One of the symbolic customs instituted by our Sages to remember the destruction of the Bet haMiqdash—particularly during moments of great joy—is the placing of ashes on the head of the groom (chatan) before the chuppa.
Talmudic Source
The Talmud in Baba Batra 60b records:
אמר רבא: בשעה שחרב בית המקדש גזרו חכמים שלא ישא אדם אשה, ולא יוליד בנים… אמרו לו: נניח ישראל בלא פריה ורביה?! אלא כך אמרו: סד אדם ביתו בסיד, ומשייר דבר מועט… עושה אדם כל צרכי סעודה ומשייר דבר מועט… עושה אדם תכשיטי אשה ומשייר דבר מועט… עושה אדם חתונה לבנו ומשייר דבר מועט. מאי היא? אמר רב פפא: אפר מקלה בראש חתן.
Translation:
Rava said: When the Bet haMiqdash was destroyed, the rabbis enacted decrees to limit joy… Among these: “A man may prepare a wedding for his son, but he must leave something out.” What is this omission? Rav Pappa said: He places ashes from the hearth on the groom’s head.
Halakhic Codification
This halacha is codified in Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 560:2:
נוהגים לשום אפר מקלה בראש החתן במקום הנחת תפילין…
Translation:
It is customary to place ashes from the hearth on the groom’s head, at the spot where the tefillin are placed (i.e., the top of the forehead).
The Rema (Rabbi Moshe Isserles) adds:
וכן נוהגין בכל המקומות…
And this is the practice in all communities.
Details of the Practice
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The ashes used are traditionally ashes from a cooking fire (called efer mikleh), symbolizing mourning.
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They are placed specifically on the spot of the tefillin shel rosh—the holiest part of the head—indicating that even at the peak of joy, a Jew remembers the destruction of the Temple.
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Some communities recite the verse from Tehillim 137:6 at that moment:
אִם אֶשְׁכָּחֵךְ יְרוּשָׁלִָם, תִּשְׁכַּח יְמִינִי. תִּדְבַּק לְשׁוֹנִי לְחִכִּי, אִם לֹא אֶזְכְּרֵכִי…
“If I forget you, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget its skill. Let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth if I do not remember you…”
Contemporary Practice
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Many Sephardic and Ashkenazic communities still maintain this custom today.
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In modern weddings, it is often carried out right before the groom walks to the chuppa, sometimes by the rabbi or officiant.
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The act is intended to be brief, symbolic, and discreet, but deeply meaningful.
