The Abelim -the seven direct relatives who keep the mourning: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister and spouse –are subject to certain limitations in what they should or should not do. These prohibitions decrease in intensity as time passes. The first period is the shib’a, the seven days of mourning counting from when the burial concluded. During those days, the mourner mainly remains in the house where the mourning occurs, usually the house that belonged to the deceased, sitting on a low chair or bench, receiving the sympathies and condolences of relatives and friends who come to bring them comfort.
1. BASIC RULES. During the seven days of mourning, the Abelim cannot cut their hair or shave; it is also forbidden to cut their nails during this period. Shoes during these seven days should not be made of leather. The mourners should wear cloth-made shoes, like sneakers, even when leaving the house. In the house of mourning, the Abelim should sit on low chairs or on a low sofa or bench. The mourner should not wear the Tefilin if the burial occurred on the same day of the passing of his loved one. If the burial did not occur during the Hebrew day of the passing, Abel (mourner) should wear his Tefilin that day, after the burial, discretely and without saying the Berakha.
2. WORKING. The Abelim should not work during the seven days of mourning, whether employed by others or self-employed. If they own a business, the businesses must stay closed, even when they will not be in charge of the day-to-day operations. In a case of a partnership, the business or office should be closed. However, the other partner or partners can make economic transactions for the partnership if the actual office or shop is not open to customers.
If a person lives in poverty or in circumstances where there are big economic losses, or if there is a public need for the services and profession of the Abel, a competent rabbinic authority must be consulted to determine if the case is an exception to the prohibition of working during the initial period of mourning.
Technically speaking, if the spouse of the Abel has a job by himself/herself, for example, if the Abel’s spouse is employed in a bank or office, the spouse can continue to work as normally. But the tradition in our community is that normally the spouse joins the mourning with the deceased’s family.
3. WASHING AND BATHING. During the seven days of mourning, the Abelim cannot bathe as usual. The Abel can only clean his/her face, hands, feet, and armpits with cold water. Neither he/she can wash clothes or use clothes already washed and ironed. In principle, one should wear the same clothes during the seven-day mourning period (with the exception of Shabbat, see below) and especially the shirt where the cut (qeri’a) was performed. If the Abel needs to change his shirt, he should wear another shirt that has not been washed since the last time it was used and should perform the qeri’a in this shirt as well (no berakha). Underwear can be changed as needed.
4. INTIMACY: During the seven days, the Abelim cannot have marital relations.
5. GREETINGS. During the shib’a, the Abelim should not be greeted normally. If someone greets the Abel, during the first three days the Abel must remind the greeter that he is in mourning. After the first three days, if someone greets the Abel, he can answer as a token of courtesy. After the seven days and until the 30th day, the Abel can greet, but the rule of not greeting people is still in place. When everyone expresses their condolences, the Abel remains silent. If someone greets them when it is not proper to do so, the Abelim can speak words of gratitude so as not to offend those who do not know these customs and could get a wrong impression about the attitude of the Abel.
In some communities, it is customary to shake the hand to the Abel, and also the Abel can reciprocate because shaking hands is considered under the circumstances only an expression of comfort, more than a formal greeting. The tradition of most members of our community, however, is not to shake hands to the Abelim during shib’a.
6. STUDYING TORA. During the seven days of mourning, the Abelim cannot study Tora, except for the sections of the Tanakh (the Scriptures) where themes of pain and affliction are developed (for example, the book of Job). One can also study the laws concerning Abelut. The custom in many communities is that during the seven days, the Abelim not go up to read the Tora, even during Shabbat.
7. SHABBAT : Shabbat is counted as one of the seven days of mourning. On this day, the rules for mourning prevail only in regard to personal and intimate prohibitions (Debarim Shebesina), but no sign of mourning can be expressed in public during Shabbat. Therefore, in honor of Shabbat the Abel will change his/her clothes and wear leather shoes to attend Synagogue. However, the prohibitions about marital relations and studying Tora privately are still in place. It is also forbidden to shave, cut one’s hair, or shower for Shabbat In preparation for Shabbat; however, the mourner can wash his or her body, part by part, with warm water. At the end of Shabbat, after Habdala, the Abel returns to wear his torn clothes and his non-leather shoes to continue his or her seven days of mourning.
8. HOW ARE THE 7 DAYS COUNTED? The seven days begin when the burial has ended. Therefore, the burial day is considered the first of the seven days, provided the burial was completed before sunset, even though a whole day of 24 hours did not occur. Likewise, the seventh day will conclude during the morning of the seventh day, after the Tefila of Shacharit. Thus, for example, if a person died on a Monday night or Tuesday in the morning and was buried on Tuesday, as long as the burial finished Tuesday before sunset, Tuesday counts as the first day and the coming Monday will be the seventh day, concluding the seventh-day mourning period. And as we said, in this example, the mourning will be finalized Monday morning, after the Tefila of Shacharit. From that moment the Abel can work, bathe, wear leather shoes, change his clothes, study Tora, etc.
9. All the rules of shib’a are the same for men and women.
