Based John Gottman’s: The Seven Principles for making marriage work
1. CRITICISM vs COMPLAINT
Criticism
• Attacks personality or character
• Uses “always / never”
• Creates defensiveness
Complaint (Gentle Start-Up)
• Focuses on behavior
• Uses “I feel”
• Makes a clear request
Formula for a Healthy Complaint:
I feel ___ about ___, and I need ___.
2. CONTEMPT (Most Dangerous)
What It Looks Like:
• Sarcasm
• Mocking
• Eye-rolling
• Name-calling
• Superiority
Why It’s Toxic:
• Destroys respect
• Creates shame
• Predicts divorce
Antidote:
Practice respect, appreciation, and repair.
3. DEFENSIVENESS
What It Sounds Like:
• “It’s not my fault”
• Excuses
• Counterattacks
• Playing the victim (DARVO:
Why It Fails:
• Blocks responsibility
• Prevents repair
Antidote:
Take even partial responsibility.
