STEP DOWN ONE RUNG
Young people all over the world are finding it harder and harder to get married. And in the face of that difficulty, all kinds of metaphysical help appear: segulot, amulets, Tehilim lists with a guarantee. But they don’t always work.
Today I want to share a segula that does work — and it comes guaranteed by more than two thousand years of wisdom. It is in the Gemara, Masekhet Yebamot 63, and it consists of four words: נחית דרגא ונסיב איתתא — nachit darga unsib iteta — “go down one rung and take a wife.”
What the Sages are saying is this: don’t look for someone who is above you. Look for someone who likes you.
I once asked a single young man, past thirty, why he was still single when B”H there were so many good candidates around him. He gave me the same answer they all give me: “Rabbi, I need to feel attracted to the girl. And the girls I’m attracted to pay no attention to me!”
What he is saying, without realizing it, is that he needs someone one rung above him. A level of beauty higher than his own; sweeter than he is, more charming, better sense of humor, better family. And it never occurs to him that the girl one rung above him may be doing exactly the same thing: looking at the young men who are above her, or on her own rung.
There is the vicious circle. And it is a destructive one. If everyone is looking for an upgraded version of themselves, then no one is looking at the good people who actually are available. There is no shortage of candidates; the problem is that everyone is looking in the same direction — too far up.
There is a paradoxical phrase that is unfortunately not rare, and it sums up the whole problem: “I lost interest in her the moment I realized she liked me.”
A person who is interested in you is not worth less for being interested. It makes no sense to follow the conqueror’s instinct and chase the impossible girl. That is exactly the mechanism this segula comes to break.
“Go down one rung” — not below your level, but below where you were looking! So if you truly want to get married, repeat these four words three times, every night — nachit darga unsib iteta — and start searching in the right direction: someone at your level, someone who already likes you.
Suddenly you will discover that the candidates are not few.
