We are a few days away from Yom Kippur. And before the most important day of the year begins, we must apologize to anyone we might have offended, insulted, hurt, embarrassed, etc. Our Sages explained that the offenses we have committed against others are NOT forgiven in Yom Kippur unless we first apologize to those we have offended. We must be especially aware of apologizing to our parents, to whom we owe unlimited respect and honor.
It is also essential to forgive family, friends, loved ones, and colleagues (we are not referring here to forgiving crimes, acts of terrorism, or other extreme situations). When friends or family members apologize for having offended us, we must be willing to forgive completely, without resentment. After all, on Yom Kippur we ask God to forgive us and forget our wrong actions. Forgiving others will undoubtedly make us more deserving of Divine forgiveness.
What happens when someone offended me or hurt me but didn’t ask for my forgiveness? Can I forgive others without being asked, or should I wait until my offenders ask forgiveness?
There is a fundamental difference between apologizing and forgiving. While I need an interlocutor -a dialogue- for apologizing, I can forgive on my own, unilaterally. Obviously, receiving an apology from those who offended me is more satisfying- and legitimate. But we all know that asking for forgiveness is not easy. Apologizing takes a lot of humility and courage. Most people are too shy, too proud, or have too many psychological barriers, like low self-esteem, which prevents them from taking charge of their mistakes and verbalizing their apologies.
However, there is something we can do about it.
We can and should forgive, even if we did not get the apology we deserve.
And why is that? For our benefit! Resentment is a poison that primarily affects the victim, not the offender. I need to free myself from hatred and bitterness in my heart for my own sake. Sometimes we get caught up in endless circles of resentment. Then, horrible feelings of grudge take over our emotional system, causing great harm. If I get depressed, angry, and obsessed because I feel someone “has to pay” for their offenses against me, I grant enormous power to those who hurt me, and I allow them to harm me from within and have control over my mind and my emotions.
Our Sages taught us the great benefits of forgiving and encouraged us to reach emotional closure, even unilaterally.
In Masekhet Megilla 28a, the students of the elder Ribbi Nehunya ben haQana asked their teacher what he did do to reach such a long life. Ribbi Nehunya replied that he never went to sleep before “forgiving” all those who might have harmed him that day. “I never took my neighbor’s offenses to my bed.” And Mor Zutra explained his words: every night, at bedtime, Ribbi Nehunya declared in his heart: “I forgive all those who have offended me.” Before going to sleep, Ribbi Nehunya practiced unilateral forgiveness. He forgave those who offended him on his initiative, although his offenders did not come to apologize. This proactive amnesty, among other things, freed Rabbi Nehunya from the destructive effects of hatred and resentment. As we see, it had a tremendous positive impact on his life’s length (and probably also on the quality of his life!).
There is a beautiful Tefila (= prayer), inspired by the example of Rabbi Nehunya ben haQana, that you can find in any Siddur (= prayer book) in the section of Qeriyat Shema ‘al hamita, the Shema Israel that we say when we are going to sleep.
The following is a summary of that prayer:
“Ribbono shel ‘olam …Master of the Universe! I declare in my heart that I forgive all those who have harmed or offended me. Whether they have caused any harm against my name or my honor, or physically or emotionally, whether these offenses against me were committed inadvertently or deliberately, negligently or with premeditation, with words or with physical actions. I declare that I forgive every Jewish individual. And I beg you, HaShem, do not punish anyone because of me. ”
