כי האדם עץ השדה
Debarim 20:19
Towards the end of this week’s Parasha, the Tora addresses the laws of war and teaches the Jewish soldier to behave with respect and dignity, even on the battlefield. One of the most notable details refers to not destroying the city or the fields without reason. Trees are specifically mentioned, suggesting they should not be seen and attacked as “the enemy.” The unusual language used by the Tora on this occasion lends itself to metaphorical interpretations that arise when comparing men and trees.
Today I would like to extend this comparison to the area of our children’s education (parenting) and reflect on the inexhaustible patience that this task demands.
At times, our children seem to stagnate, not maturing at the pace we hoped for. This concern intensifies when they have brothers or sisters who do seem to progress. Parents sometimes do not understand the influence of time on the development of our children and find themselves caught up in worries, suffering unnecessary tensions. We forget what an expert once mentioned: that most of the behavioral problems of children are resolved over time.
I remember certain students from our Talmud Torah: in fifth and sixth grade, they were a constant challenge. Restless, they kept talking and interrupting. They bothered their peers, disobeyed the teachers, and often the only solution was to send them out of the classroom. They spent more time with the principal than with their classmates. But, over time, after 15 years or more, I have seen many of these “unbearable” children transform into exemplary parents, successful entrepreneurs, brilliant professionals, or people with admirable religious discipline.
What happened?
They were maturing at their own pace or, as neurologists say, “the brain needed time to build and strengthen the connections between its areas and hemispheres”.
Having patience does not mean that we parents will sit around waiting —and praying— for our children to mature. It is essential that we are always there to talk, guide, and encourage our children. We must never stop doing it.
To better understand the growth process many of our children go through and understand our role as parents in this process, I would like to share with you the story of the growth of the bamboo tree.
Initially, it is essential to prepare the soil, choose an optimal location with enough light and moisture. Then one sows the seeds. During the first year, the soil with the seeds is constantly watered, but nothing visible happens. In the second year, it is watered and fertilized, but still, not a single shoot sprouts. The third year continues watering and taking care of the area, hoping to see some change, but there are still no signs of bamboo. In the fourth year, you look at the ground and see no progress. The fifth-year comes, and, seeing no results, one might think they have failed in their attempt to grow bamboo. However, surprisingly, in the middle of that year, the bamboo starts to grow rapidly and, in just six months, reaches an impressive height of up to 30 meters!
The million-dollar question is: How long did it take the bamboo to grow? The immediate answer seems to be “six months”. But in reality, it took the bamboo five and a half years to grow. That is, to break through the ground, literally, and begin to grow. And once it started, nothing can stop it.
It should also be noted that, although the progress was not noticeable, during those five and a half years, the bamboo was growing downwards: it was forming a robust root system capable of supporting its great size.
Our children often experience a process similar to bamboo. Their growth requires constant care, “even if the results are not noticeable”, with inexhaustible patience. Remember the bamboo: if, during the first five years, one had given up and stopped watering or protecting the bamboo, that tree would never have emerged.
Every word of encouragement we give them, even in their moments of rebellion or immaturity, is uplifting. They are like water to the bamboo. Our children grow and develop in ways we don’t see. We don’t know when that internal growth will begin to manifest outwardly and reach surprising heights, sometimes even surpassing their siblings, who seemed to develop more quickly.
Like bamboo trees, our children need us to nurture them with love and care constantly.
Over time, and with divine help, they will mature and flourish.
Rabbi Yosef Bitton
