INTRODUCTION
The Abelim are the seven close relatives who keep the mourning: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, and spouse. During the mourning period they follow certain restrictions, which become lighter as time passes.
The first stage is the shib’a, the seven days of mourning, counted from the end of the burial. During these days the mourners stay mostly in the house of mourning, usually the home of the deceased. They sit on a low chair or bench and receive relatives and friends who come to comfort them.
1. BASIC RULES
During the seven days, the Abelim may not cut their hair, shave, or cut their nails.
They may not wear leather shoes. They wear cloth shoes, such as sneakers, even when they leave the house.
In the house of mourning, they sit on low chairs, a low sofa, or a bench.
If the burial took place on the same Hebrew day as the passing, the mourner does not put on Tefilin that day. If the burial took place on a later day, the mourner puts on Tefilin on the day of the burial, after the burial, discreetly and without saying the Berakha.
2. WORKING
The Abelim may not work during the seven days, whether they are employees or self-employed. A business they own must stay closed, even if they are not the ones running it day to day.
In a partnership, the office or shop must be closed. The other partners may still carry out business for the partnership, as long as the office or shop is not open to customers.
If the mourner is poor, would suffer a major financial loss, or provides a service the public needs, a competent rabbi must be consulted to decide whether an exception applies.
Strictly speaking, the spouse of a mourner who has his or her own job, for example at a bank or an office, may keep working as usual. However, the custom in our community is that the spouse stays home and joins the family in mourning.
3. WASHING AND BATHING
During the seven days, the Abelim may not bathe as usual. They may wash only their face, hands, feet, and armpits, with cold water.
They may not wash clothes or wear freshly washed and ironed clothes. In principle, the mourner wears the same clothes all seven days (except on Shabbat, see below), especially the shirt on which the qeri’a (tear) was made.
If the mourner needs to change shirts, he should wear one that has not been washed since it was last worn, and make the qeri’a on that shirt as well, without a berakha. Underwear may be changed as needed.
4. INTIMACY
During the seven days, the Abelim may not have marital relations.
5. GREETINGS
During the shib’a, the Abelim are not greeted in the usual way.
If someone greets a mourner during the first three days, the mourner should tell him that he is in mourning. After the third day, the mourner may answer a greeting out of courtesy.
From the end of the seven days until the 30th day, the mourner may greet others, but others should still not greet him.
When visitors offer their condolences, the mourner stays silent. If someone greets the mourner when it is not appropriate, the mourner may answer with words of thanks. This avoids offending people who do not know these customs and might misread the mourner’s silence.
In some communities, people shake hands with the Abel, and the Abel may shake hands back. In these circumstances, a handshake is seen as a gesture of comfort, not a formal greeting. In our community, however, most people do not shake hands with the Abelim during the shib’a.
6. STUDYING TORAH
During the seven days, the Abelim may not study Torah. They may study parts of the Tanakh that deal with pain and suffering, such as the book of Job, and the laws of Abelut.
In many communities, the mourner is not called up to the Torah during the seven days, even on Shabbat.
7. SHABBAT
Shabbat counts as one of the seven days of mourning. However, mourning on Shabbat is limited to private matters (Debarim SheBetsin’a). No sign of mourning may be shown in public.
For this reason, in honor of Shabbat, the Abel changes out of the torn clothes and wears leather shoes to go to the synagogue.
The private restrictions remain. Marital relations are forbidden, and so is studying Torah privately.
Before Shabbat, the mourner may not shave, cut his or her hair, or shower. He or she may, however, wash the body one part at a time with warm water.
After Shabbat ends and Habdala is recited, the Abel puts the torn clothes and non-leather shoes back on and continues the seven days of mourning.
8. HOW ARE THE SEVEN DAYS COUNTED?
The seven days begin when the burial ends. The day of the burial counts as the first day, as long as the burial was finished before sunset, even though a full 24 hours have not passed.
The seventh day also counts as a full day, even though the mourning ends that morning, after Shacharit.
For example: a person passed away Monday night or Tuesday morning and was buried on Tuesday before sunset. Tuesday is the first day, and the following Monday is the seventh day. The mourning ends on Monday morning, after Shacharit. From then on, the mourner may work, bathe, wear leather shoes, change clothes, study Torah, and so on.
9. All the rules of shib’a are the same for men and women.
