In the Tora, there are two commandments that regulate parent-child relationships. The first one is “kabbed et abikha ve-et imekha,” which translates to “Honor your father and your mother.” This is the fifth of the Ten Commandments.
A second Mitsva is found in Parashat Qedoshim (Vayiqra) 19:3, one of the two sections of the Tora that we are about to read this Shabbat which states “ish immo veabiv tira’u,” meaning “A person must respect his mother and father.” These two mitzvot are different and, in fact, complement each other, as we will now see .
RESPECTING PARENTS
The language that the Tora uses is “tira’u,” which literally means “to fear.” However, this commandment is not about being afraid or scared of our parents but respecting them.
What is the difference between fear and respect?
“Fear” is associated with a feeling beyond our control that usually paralyzes us. “Respect,” on the other hand, is a proactive attitude: considering the authority of our parents in our behavior.
Respecting parents usually pertains to what we should NOT do.
Some examples:
I cannot call my parents by their names: out of respect, I should address them “mom”, or “dad” .
I cannot disobey or disrespect my parents.
A son or daughter should not sit in the designated place for their father or mother. For example, at the head of the table, in a special chair, or in the father’s seat in the synagogue, etc.
Respect for parents is a way to establish clear lines: “I am the father or the mother, and you are my son or my daughter: I love you, but we are not the same.” This distance is absolutely necessary, not for the parents’ ego but for the children,’s emotional well-being. Why? Because these principles set limits and define authority, without which a child cannot be well-educated. In a practical sense, the Mitzva of “respecting” our parents applies when we are children or adolescents and we depend on our parents. A Jewish child is educated to act with discipline and accept the authority of their parents, something that will eventually train him or her to respect the authority of God. In other words, only when you are trained to respect your parents, you are prepared to respect God.
HONOR
The Mitsva of “Honoring” our parents is a little different. It is not about what we are NOT allowed to do to our parents, but what we should do for them. Essentially, honoring our parents means caring for and looking after them. This is the meaning of the Fifth Commandment.
Our sages explained that honoring parents includes, for example, helping our parents, visiting them, accompanying them, taking them out and bringing them in, and if necessary, feeding and dressing them. This Mitsva emphasizes the duty of gratitude and recognition to those who fed us, clothed us, and cared for us when we were children.
Respect for parents mainly applies when children depend on their parents while honoring parents primarily applies when parents are older and depend on their children.
