כָּל דֶּרְֶך אִישׁ יָשָׁר בְּעֵינָיו
An individual always feels that his way of acting is the normal one…
Mishle / Proverbs 21: 2
A few years ago I read an eye-opening book: “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The book presents a very simple but extremely important idea: we do not express our love for others in one unique and universal way. In fact, all of us convey our affection in different ways. I helped and counseled many couples experiencing Shalom Bayit (lit. “Peace at Home”) issues, and I must confess that since I learned about this idea I was able to identify and assess better the conflicts at hand and assist the couple in a more effective way. Moreover, now I wonder if it is possible for husband and wife to live in harmony when you ignore the concept of “love languages”. It is only when you realize that it is normal for your spouse NOT to express his or her affection in the same way you do that you can overcome the misleading and often unconscious expectations which reflect your particular way of conveying affection. And if you fail to identify —and value— your spouse’s love language and you standardize your unique way of expressing love instead, you might feel he doesn’t love you properly, or enough.
Here is a summary of the five ways people express love.
- WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. Many express their love for others , husband-wife, parents-children, through words of affection, praise and admiration which convey our deepest feelings. Other people are less expressive with words. A loving husband may feel a great love for his wife and kids, but for some innate or acquired reason, he may not feel the need —or he might not even be capable— to verbalize his love and formulate it with words. And when your love language is “words”, and you don’t know that people express love in different languages, you would probably feel frustrated and even unloved by your spouse.
- TIME SHARING. Some individuals channel their love —and feel loved— when they spend time together with the person they love. For them “to love is to share… time together”. It makes them happy to be with their spouse: walking, talking, visiting a park, playing or reading something, enjoying each other’s company, regardless of what specifically you are doing. If you express your love in this way, for you ”it is not about WHAT you do but WHO you are with”.
- GIFTS. For some people “gifts” are the main way, or one of the main ways, of expressing love in marriage. They would also process love through gifts: when you love me, you give me something, and vice versa. If your love language is “gifts” it does not mean that you are necessarily materialistic. In all cultures of the world giving gifts is a traditional way of showing gratitude or recognition. In marriage gifts might be symbols of love for one another. In a normal relationship the point is not the material value of the gift, but the fact that my wife thought about me or I thought about her in our wedding-anniversary, birthdays and other special occasions (particularly Jewish Holidays: there is a Mitzva, a religious duty, to make your wife happy by giving her gifts in Pesach, Shabuot and Sukkot!).
- ACTS OF SERVICE. This means doing something for your spouse when he or she is not expecting it. Something that makes your spouse happy and at the same time is not part of your usual job description. A random act of service or kindness (chesed) done without expecting anything in return, but just to express love. A wife might, for example, feel that her husband is conveying his affection for her if he does something unexpected that is not part of his agreed upon duties. If, for example, he helps her with some specific chores that she usually does for herself (cleaning her car, taking care of dinner, etc.) without being asked to do so. Now, if the wife does not share this love language, she may not regard her husband’s special performance as an act of love, and she might overlook his affection. You see the problem?
- PHYSICAL CONTACT. Many people convey their love for each other mainly through physical contact: a soft touch, a spontaneous hug, holding hands, etc. For many this is the “natural” way to convey affection, not only to one’s spouse but also to one’s children. When you express your love through this language, you also expect your spouse to express herself in this way, because you process love through physical contact.
But what happens, in this and other cases, when for example the husband expresses his love in one language, and his wife fails to identify this as love, and feels unwanted or even rejected? What to to in these cases to plead each other, understand each other, and improve our Shalom Bayit?
To be continued
