אמר רבי אלעא: אין העולם מתקיים אלא בשביל מי שבולם עצמו בשעת מריבה, שנאמר: תולה ארץ על בלימה
“The world is sustained by the merit of those who control themselves and do not escalate a conflict “
YOU WILL NEVER WIN
Many times in our closest personal relationships, particularly in a husband and wife relationship, we face a difficult decision: to convince the other side that we are right, or to give in and live in peace. I first realized the nature of this type of choice as a teenager when I read Dale Carnegie’s famous book “How to Make Friends and Influence People.” Carnegie shows that when you argue you always have the risk of losing. Why? First, because it is possible that you would lose the argument. And second, because when you win the argument you might lose a friend. The possibility that the person with whom we are arguing will change his or her mind when hearing our argument is very small. Most people are guided by emotions rather than reason, especially in personal conflicts. It is highly unlikely that the other side, even a spouse, will say: “Thank you for enlightening me with your wisdom” or “You are right, now I understand your point of view.”
BEING HAPPY OR BEING RIGHT?
Many couples fall into this trap: we cannot resolve our conflicts because I want to prove that I’m right! However, if we think with a little more humility, we will recognize that in every conflict each side is “a little right” and “a little wrong”. There is no single way of looking at things. It is not rational to think that only “I” know what I am doing, and only “I” understand the situation. To achieve this change in attitude and be willing not to focus so much on “being right” it is convenient that we remind ourselves that our main objective in marriage is to live in peace and enjoy the happiness of being married and having a family. To have a happy life I have to be willing to make some compromises. In marriage, in particular, I often need to sacrifice my ego to be happier …
WHY DO “I” HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?
Many years ago a friend from Mexico, Mr. Jacobo Sofer, taught me something I will never forget: in Japan when two people argue, the one who is right is the first to apologize. In that culture, apologizing is not an admission of guilt: it is an admission of responsibility. Whoever apologizes first takes responsibility for improving the current challenging situation and shows that he or she is willing to put the ego aside. This is not just a very smart attitude; it is also a deep act of love. By apologizing, even when I feel I am right, I am showing that I value the other person, and or my marriage, above anything else. Im conveying that I care about preserving our relationship and that is why I am willing to focus on the relationship instead of focusing on the conflict (I clarify that I am not referring to discussions about values or moral principles, but rather banal and everyday situations: poor communication, isolation, interpretation of what I or she said or meant, etc.). In marriage you have to choose between “being right of being happy”. You usually cannot have both at the same time.
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS
It takes emotional maturity to prioritize a good relationship over the need to feed the ego. And the people who have the most conflicts are those who “are willing to go all the way” to prove that they are right. This psycholgixl “need” to be always right is more common in people who have a low self-esteem. For an individual with low self-esteem, apologizing is a mission impossible. Because by admitting that one is wrong it seems to him that his “inner security”, “the image of herself” colapeses. To make matters worse, people who have a hard time to apologize often “blame the other person” for their own mistakes. And blaming your spouse and never admitting your guilt is unfortunately the perfect formula for living miserably and in permanent conflict. On the other hand, mentally healthy people should have no problem apologizing and taking responsibility, even when they feel —or know— that part of the blame is not theirs. Probably the three most important words in marriage are not “I love you” but “I was wrong” (so long as these words are said sincerely!), because they convey the message that my main concern is not to protect my ego, but to maintain a good relationship with my spouse.
