The Sages explained that the commandment to honor our parents continues beyond this life. This idea, in the first place, helps us to understand a little better the difference between two Biblical obligations that seem very similar: to respect and to honor our parents. “Respect” basically consists in not disobeying and not antagonizing our parents. Obviously, this does not apply when our parents are no longer alive. The second Mitsva, however, which refers to the honor of the parents, can also be fulfilled after our parents pass away by honoring their memory.
One of the most respected honors observed by virtually all Jews, regardless of the different religious levels, is the recitation of Kaddish by the children of the deceased. The Kaddish text contains no direct allusion to the deceased or to death, but it is one of the highest prayers of praise to God. Why? Because in Kaddish we declare that our ability to recognize and appreciate His greatness, His wisdom, and all that HaShem does for us, is very limited. And that consequently our praises will always be insufficient. This deep reflection (which I tried to summarize in very few words) makes from the Kaddish, philosophically, a very special prayer. So much so that although in the Kaddish the Divine Name is not specifically mentioned, it can only be recited in the presence of a Minyan (10 Jewish men, over 13 years of age). Reciting the Kaddish, and inspiring the congregation to participate in this unique praise, is considered an honor that Jewish tradition confers to the mourners, to honor the memory of their loved ones.
The Kaddish for one’s parents is recited every day, practically for a year, after the passing. After that year, the sons will recite the Kaddish during the week of the anniversary of the parents’ passing. This commemoration is called in Hebrew “hazkara”, and it is also known as yohtrtzait, that is, the anniversary of the death of the father or mother, which the children commemorate during the rest of their lives. The Ashkenazi custom is also to recite the Yizkor, a recitation prayer said at major Jewish Holidays, only by those whose parents are no longer alive.
There are other ways to honor the memory of our parents.
Studying Tora, spread the words of Tora, organizing or sponsoring the Tora classes, etc. is also considered a way to honor the memory of our parents. And that’s why books, Tora lectures, etc. are often promoted. “Leiluy nishmat” in memory (lit. for the elevation of the soul) of our loved ones. Unlike the Kaddish, which only the sons recite, these good deeds can and should be done by the sons and daughters of the deceased.
Without a doubt, the most basic way to honorthe memory of our parents is related to the way we carry out our lives. The more significant and dignified our lives are, the greater the honor that will be attributed to our parents (and vice versa). Think, for example, of extraordinary acts of integrity, works of charity, social assistance, helping orphans, widows, visiting the sick, etc. When a person acts nobly, inspired by the example of his or her parents, it is not uncommon to hear phrases such as: “I knew his father, and I see that his son is following in his footsteps”; “Worthy daughter of her father”, “If his mother would be alive, how proud she would be of him!”.
The good name of the children and the actions of kindness practiced by the children, represent without a doubt the most natural way of honoring the memory of our deceased parents.
