תניא, היה רבי מאיר אומר מפני מה אמרה תורה נדה לשבעה? מפני שרגיל בה וקץ בה אמרה תורה תהא טמאה שבעה ימים כדי שתהא חביבה על בעלה כשעת כניסתה לחופה. נדה ל”א, ע”א
Yesterday, we began to explain the Seventh Commandment: “You shall not commit adultery.” The Tora teaches us that in order to reinforce fidelity, it is not enough to “keep this commandment in mind”. Our commitment to conjugal fidelity is strengthened by a particular attitude towards sexuality. First, knowing the nature of sexuality in marriage. Second, by having the appropriate behavior toward the people of the opposite sex. And thirdly, by exercising control over our thoughts and our eyes. B’H, we will talk about each of these three points in the next few days.
Let’s start from the beginning. The nature of sexuality in marriage.
One of the most important Mitsvot in the Jewish family is Taharat haMishpaha (or Nidda), which is usually translated by “family purity.” In Jewish marriage, intimate relationships are limited for about 12 days a month. The excluded days are related to the woman’s cycle and seven additional days. When the Sages of the Talmud explained the logic of this regulation, they said that after these days without physical contact, husband and wife are intimately reunited and they “feel the same [passion] as they felt on their wedding night.” In other words, this period of separation, far from affecting negatively sexual desire, renews and increases it. Avoiding falling into one of the greatest problems of modern marriage: sexual boredom.
This “boredom” has to do with the theoretically unlimited potentiality of sexual intimacy, and it is part of the “nature” of a marriage where sexuality is not regulated. The “sexual routine” syndrome is one of the factors that most influence the search for novelty, which can lead to adultery. By its very nature, the peak of sexual attraction occurs near marriage. But over the years (and I am NOT referring now to an age problem), physical attraction to one’s wife does not increase but almost inevitably diminishes. Sexual intimacy in marriage begins to become less intense, monotonous and too predictable. Passion progressively decreases. This phenomenon is very well known to psychologists and sexologists.
Close to 2000 years ago, Ribbí Meir explained that during the days of physical separation in a Jewish couple, the husband begins to “miss” his wife, and his physical attraction towards her grows more and more. As the day of the Mikve (the ritual immersion that concludes the days without sexual intimacy) approaches, his passion is renewed. And when his wife arrives from the Mikve, Ribbí Meir asserts that husband and wife, even years after their marriage, will be reunited with the same passion that they felt for each other on their wedding night. This cycle, which is repeated every month (except when the woman is pregnant) avoids the sexual routine and renews the sexula desire in marriage.
Let’s understand it better (from a man’s perspective). Imagine a young Jewish husband who is in his room alone with his wife whom he loves and to whom he is attracted. And without nothing more than this abstract Mitsva of Taharat haMishapaha (a delicate “Hedge of roses”, as rabbi Norman Lamm calls it) the young couple is able to say to themselves “Not now”. Would the husband’s desire for his own wife diminish or increase? His wife, as Ribbí Meir explains, becomes now the exclusive “object” of his desire, since what it is forbidden is more attractive. During those days of separation from the woman he loves, the husband can not even think of another woman, other than his own wife. Moreover, in these circumstances and during these days the young Jewish man goes through an excellent training in his ability to control his sexuality. Which is critical not to fall into a fatal attraction that might lead to adultery.
Lastly, this period of physical separation also promotes a very profound level of communication between husband and wife. In those days without sexual activity, and from the beginning of their marriage, the couple learns to communicate with affection but on a plane that we could well call “platonic.” In Judaism, the highest level a couple should aspire to is the level of “friendship” (re’ut), which will strengthen their marriage for the rest of their lives. Even in those years when hormonal passion declines (in modern society, more and more couples get divorced after 50 . According to the Huffington Post, in 2010 in the US, 1 in 4 couples who divorced belonged to this Group, see ). Contrary to biological sexual desire, friendship between husband and wife, supposed to grow over the years, and it is the greatest guarantee of fidelity and solidity in a marriage. This deep level of closeness in which your wife is also your best friend develops and grows in those days without sexual intimacy.
(To be continued)
