The final Parashiot of the book of Bereshit, Genesis, tells the story of Yosef and his brothers. One of the many points worth analyzing is Yosef’s reaction when he sees his brothers, who betrayed and sold him into slavery in Egypt 20 years earlier, coming to Egypt to obtain food. Yosef must decide what to do: ignore them, seek revenge on them, or forgive them.
REVENGE? The first option for Yosef was to seek revenge on his brothers. Naturally, he was tremendously hurt by their cruelty and the suffering he endured all those years away from his father’s house. The sadness and pain of slavery were no doubt overwhelming. Now, when Yosef’s brothers come to Egypt, he is in a position of power and has the ability to “make them pay for all the suffering they caused him.” But revenge was not what motivated Yosef. Yosef had unilaterally overcome his resentment. How do we know this? Among other things, because when his first son is born, he gives him the beautiful name of “Menashé,” explaining that God has benefited him so much that he has made him “forget (nashani) all the suffering” his brothers caused him. Yosef did not allow the pain and anger of the past to define his future. Yosef was not thinking of revenge. He had overcome that self-destructive feeling.
INDIFFERENCE
The other option for Yosef was simply to “ignore” his brothers. While Yosef did not want to seek revenge, he could have chosen to act as if he did not see them and continue his extraordinary life and successful career in Egypt, the most powerful country in antiquity. Why would he want anything to do with his brothers, who had acted as his worst enemy? He didn’t need them! But Yosef doesn’t ignore them, and when he sees them, he comes up with a master plan to redeem them. First, he accuses them of spying and demands they bring his younger brother Benjamin. When Benjamin arrives, he has him imprisoned on false charges and proposes that the brothers return to their homes “safe and sound,” leaving Benjamin as a slave in Egypt. In this way, Yosef recreates in the best possible way a similar scenario that took place 20 years earlier and allows the brothers to correct themselves and demonstrate that they are now willing to give their lives for each other. When Yosef realizes his brothers have changed and learned from their mistakes, he reveals his identity and forgives them.
RECONCILIATION The level of forgiveness that we observe from Yosef is exceptional. Almost superhuman. Since Yosef’s is not forgiveness followed by reproaches or resentment: it is a total reconciliation. And completely disinterested, because in the strictly personal, Yosef has nothing to “gain” regarding his career or prestige in Egypt by forgiving his brothers. Yosef’s is pure altruism. An extraordinary act of kindness. And Yosef takes one more step: he doesn’t want his brothers to live with feelings of guilt remembering their mistake. And then he shares his generous interpretation of what really happened: the tragic actions of the past “were not the responsibility of his brothers.” The Almighty orchestrated events to save his family and so many innocent people from starvation. From the theory of forgiveness, Yosef now moves to action. Yosef, his father, and his brothers will live together in Goshen and will be a united family again. Rab Sabato of Bircat Moshé, explains that Yosef is called Yosef haTzadiq, Yosef the righteous, for all these incredible acts of forgiveness.
EXONERATION To better understand what Yosef did, let’s look at what Dr. Stephen Marmer, a psychiatrist at the University of California, UCLA, explains: there are three types of forgiveness: 1. Exoneration. 2. Tolerance (forbearance), and 3. Release.
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“Release” is the most basic level of forgiveness, and it occurs when the person who caused the harm does not apologize to the victim. There is no repair or reconciliation. But the victim, for their own convenience and mental health, chooses to “forget” the incident and does not allow the perpetrator to live in their mind. They are released from the toxic effect of their resentment.
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“Tolerance” is when the victim has only received a partial or insincere apology, and the person who hurt them has not taken sufficient responsibility for their actions. Nevertheless, the victim chooses to forgive their perpetrator because the relationship is important to them, and they prefer to continue maintaining it, although now with some distance and much caution.
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“Exoneration” is the highest level of forgiveness. It occurs when one, in addition to forgiving, seeks to restore the relationship and bring it back to the level before the offense occurred. Exoneration usually occurs in situations where the injured party realizes (or decides to assume, as Yosef did) that the offense was an accident, or the perpetrator did not feel that they were causing pain to the victim, or that they acted impulsively, or providentially (as Yosef assumed). Yosef granted all these levels of forgiveness. First, unilaterally, he released himself from resentment. Then he sought to re-establish his relationship with his brothers. But his forgiveness did not end there. Yosef completely exonerated his brothers. He sought to prove and decided to assume that they acted impulsively and that now they have made Teshubá, they have repented and changed. And finally, he assumed that what he had suffered was part of a Divine master plan that ended with a happy ending. (Perhaps, as some hyper-responsible people do, Yosef also remembered that in his youth, he had behaved arrogantly towards his brothers, and now he magnanimously assumes part of the responsibility for what happened…)
Yosef turns the page, restores his relationship with his family, holds no grudges, and takes his relationship with his brothers to a higher level than they had in the past. And he leaves us with a lot to learn
Yosef sees his brothers, who betrayed him 20 years ago and sold him into slavery. They came to Egypt to get food. Now, Yosef has to decide what to do with his brothers: take revenge on them, ignore them, forgive them?
Yosef’s first option, the most “average”, course of action, would have been to take revenge. He suffered tremendously all those years away from his father’s home. The sadness and pain of slavery were undoubtedly overwhelming. When Yosef’s brothers come to Egypt, he is in a position of power and can “make them pay for all the suffering they caused him.” But revenge was not what moved Yosef. Yosef had “unilaterally” overcome his resentment. How do we know? Because when his first child is born, he names him “Menashe”; that is: “God has benefited me so much that made me forget (nashani) all the suffering” caused by my brothers. . Yosef did not allow the pain and anger of the past to define his future. Yosef was not thinking of revenge. He had gotten over that self-destructive feeling.
IGNORE?
Yosef’s other option was to “ignore” his brothers. If Yosef didn’t want revenge, he could have chosen to be indifferent, pretend he didn’t see them, and continue his extraordinary life and brilliant career in Egypt: the most powerful country of antiquity. Why would Yosef want to rebuild his relationship with his brothers, who acted worse than his worst enemies? He didn’t need them in his life again! But Yosef does not ignore them. When he sees them, he comes up with a master plan of several moves: he accuses them of espionage and demands that they bring in Binyamin, his younger brother. When Binyamin arrives, he has him imprisoned on a false accusation and proposes to the brothers that they return home “safe and sound,” leaving Binyamin as his slave in Egypt. In this way, Yosef reenacts and reconstructs –in the best or only way possible– a scenario similar to the one that took place 20 years ago. Yosef allows them to redeem themselves and show that they are now willing to sacrifice one for the other. When Yosef realizes that his brothers have learned their lesson and are unwilling to repeat their mistakes, he reveals his identity and forgives them.
RECONCILIATION
The level of forgiveness we see in Yosef’s story is exceptional and almost superhuman. Since Yosef does not forgive them with a speech full of reproaches or resentment: it is a total reconciliation. In the first place, Yosef’s gesture is absolutely selfless since Yosef has nothing to “gain” in terms of his career or prestige in Egypt by forgiving his brothers.
Yosef acts out of pure altruism and extraordinary kindness. Secondly, Yosef takes one more unexpected step. Far from accusing them, he does his best to relieve his brothers of their feelings of guilt and tries to convince them — with a euphemistic version of the events– that the tragic actions of the past “were not their responsibility.” Those were events orchestrated by the Almighty to save millions of Egyptians, and his own family, from starvation. Far from looking for distance, Yosef offers his brothers to live “with him” in the prestigious neighborhood of Goshen, in the Nile delta. Yosef achieves what seemed impossible: reuniting a family that was completely broken. Rabbi Sabato, from Birkat Moshe, explains that Yosef is called Yosef haTzadiq, Yosef the Just, not only because of what he went through (or did not go through) with Potiphar’s wife but because of his incredible ability to forgive.
EXONERATION
Dr. Stephen Marmer, a psychiatrist at the University of California, UCLA, describes three types of forgiveness: 1. Release. 2. Tolerance and 3. Exoneration (we are referring here to forgiveness between family members, friends, and colleagues, and not to forgive crimes, terrorism, etc.).
“Release” is unilateral forgiveness. In other words, when the offender does not apologize to the victim and does not have the will to repair or ask forgiveness. But the victims choose to “forget” the incident, thus, preventing the toxic memory of the offender from living inside their mind and freeing themselves from the poisonous effects of resentment. There is no reconciliation here, and the parties remain estranged.
“Tolerance” is when the victim has received a partial or insincere apology because the offender, for example, has not taken sufficient responsibility for their actions. However, the victim chooses to forgive and rebuild the relationship since it is important for him to maintain it, although now he will act more cautiously.
“Exoneration” is the highest level of forgiveness, which occurs when one seeks to restore the relationship to the level it was before the offense occurred. Exoneration often occurs when the victim realizes (or voluntarily or strategically chooses to assume) that the offense was an accident. Or the offender acted impulsively without realizing they were causing you pain. Or when the offender sincerely regrets his mistake, takes full responsibility, and apologizes for what he did.
Let’s go back to Yosef. First, even before he saw his brothers, Yosef unilaterally decided to forgive, and as an act of free will, he freed himself from resentment. Later, he chose not to ignore his brothers and sought to reconnect with them. But his nobility did not end there. Yosef completely forgave his brothers. He understood – or chose to assume – that they acted impulsively and now they did Teshuba. That is, they repented and changed. Yosef does not turn the page. Yosef starts a new book. The new relationship between the brothers will not be as it was in the past. It’s going to be better! This type of reconciliation and exoneration between siblings, friends, or husband and wife can be “magical”, and it has the power to take us from the depths of hostility to an unimaginable, higher than before, level of relationship, where the sky is the limit.
