Mourning and Festivities

Cancellation of the Seven Days (Shiv’a)

The days of the holiday also count toward the thirty-day mourning period (Sheloshim), with one exception: when mourning for a father or mother, the full thirty days must be completed before the mourner may shave or get a haircut.
Calculation of the Sheloshim — Pesach:

The days of mourning observed before Pesach count as seven days.
The eight days of Pesach are added to that count.
Fifteen additional days remain to complete the thirty.

 

Shabuot:

  • The mourning observed before the holiday counts as seven days.
  • The first day of Shavuot counts as another seven.
  • The second day of Shavuot is counted as day fifteen.
  • Fifteen additional days remain to complete the thirty.

Sukkot:

  • The mourning observed before the holiday counts as seven days.
  • The seven days of Sukkot are added.
  • The day of Shemini Atzeret counts as an additional seven days.
  • Simchat Torah marks day twenty-two.
  • Eight additional days remain to complete the thirty.

Rosh Hashanah:

  • The mourning practiced before Rosh Hashanah is counted as seven days.
  • At the end of Yom Kippur, the thirty days are completed.

Yom Kippur:

  • The mourning practiced before Yom Kippur is counted as seven days.
  • At the end of Shemini Atzeret, the thirty days are completed.

Cancellation of the Thirty Days (Shloshim):

If one is in the thirty-day mourning period (after completing the seven days of Shiva) for a relative who is not a father or mother, the start of a major festivity cancels the thirty-day mourning. In this case, the mourner (Avel) is allowed to shave or get a haircut before the holiday, on the eve of the festivity. However, for a father or mother, the thirty days must be fully counted by the mourners before they may shave or cut their hair.

If the death occurred during the holiday (on Yom Tov), the seven days begin to be counted only once the holiday ends.

During the holiday, the laws of Onen and the usual mourning prohibitions (Avelut) do not apply. However, the mourners must observe the norms of private mourning as they would on Shabbat during the seven days.

When Death or Burial Occurs on Chol HaMoed:

If a person passes away or is buried during Chol HaMoed (the intermediate days of Pesach or Sukkot), the burial is carried out as usual, including performing the tearing (Keria). However, upon returning home, the mourners must change out of their mourning clothes, as mourning during these days is private, similar to the rules for Shabbat during the seven days.

The Seudat Havra’ah (meal of condolence) should still be held, but instead of the usual foods (like eggs or lentils), coffee or tea with cookies or pastries should be served. After this meal, mourning is suspended until the holiday concludes. Only then does the seven-day mourning period begin.

If the burial occurs during Chol HaMoed of Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret counts as one day toward the calculation of the thirty days. Although mourning is not observed on Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot (the second day of Yom Tov), it is still counted as the first of the seven days of mourning.

When thirty-one days have passed after the burial of a father or mother during Chol HaMoed and there is social reproach, the mourner may shave or cut their hair during Chol HaMoed.



Rules for the shib’a, the first seven days of mourning

The Abelim -the seven direct relatives who keep the mourning: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister and spouse –are subject to certain limitations in what they should or should not do. These prohibitions decrease in intensity as time passes. The first period is the shib’a, the seven days of mourning counting from when the burial concluded. During those days, the mourner mainly remains in the house where the mourning occurs, usually the house that belonged to the deceased, sitting on a low chair or bench, receiving the sympathies and condolences of relatives and friends who come to bring them comfort.

1. BASIC RULES. During the seven days of mourning, the Abelim cannot cut their hair or shave; it is also forbidden to cut their nails during this period. Shoes during these seven days should not be made of leather. The mourners should wear cloth-made shoes, like sneakers, even when leaving the house. In the house of mourning, the Abelim should sit on low chairs or on a low sofa or bench. The mourner should not wear the Tefilin if the burial occurred on the same day of the passing of his loved one. If the burial did not occur during the Hebrew day of the passing, Abel (mourner) should wear his Tefilin that day, after the burial, discretely and without saying the Berakha.

2. WORKING. The Abelim should not work during the seven days of mourning, whether employed by others or self-employed. If they own a business, the businesses must stay closed, even when they will not be in charge of the day-to-day operations. In a case of a partnership, the business or office should be closed. However, the other partner or partners can make economic transactions for the partnership if the actual office or shop is not open to customers.
If a person lives in poverty or in circumstances where there are big economic losses, or if there is a public need for the services and profession of the Abel, a competent rabbinic authority must be consulted to determine if the case is an exception to the prohibition of working during the initial period of mourning.
Technically speaking, if the spouse of the Abel has a job by himself/herself, for example, if the Abel’s spouse is employed in a bank or office, the spouse can continue to work as normally. But the tradition in our community is that normally the spouse joins the mourning with the deceased’s family.

3. WASHING AND BATHING. During the seven days of mourning, the Abelim cannot bathe as usual. The Abel can only clean his/her face, hands, feet, and armpits with cold water. Neither he/she can wash clothes or use clothes already washed and ironed. In principle, one should wear the same clothes during the seven-day mourning period (with the exception of Shabbat, see below) and especially the shirt where the cut (qeri’a) was performed. If the Abel needs to change his shirt, he should wear another shirt that has not been washed since the last time it was used and should perform the qeri’a in this shirt as well (no berakha). Underwear can be changed as needed.

4. INTIMACY: During the seven days, the Abelim cannot have marital relations.

5. GREETINGS. During the shib’a, the Abelim should not be greeted normally. If someone greets the Abel, during the first three days the Abel must remind the greeter that he is in mourning. After the first three days, if someone greets the Abel, he can answer as a token of courtesy. After the seven days and until the 30th day, the Abel can greet, but the rule of not greeting people is still in place. When everyone expresses their condolences, the Abel remains silent. If someone greets them when it is not proper to do so, the Abelim can speak words of gratitude so as not to offend those who do not know these customs and could get a wrong impression about the attitude of the Abel.
In some communities, it is customary to shake the hand to the Abel, and also the Abel can reciprocate because shaking hands is considered under the circumstances only an expression of comfort, more than a formal greeting. The tradition of most members of our community, however, is not to shake hands to the Abelim during shib’a.

6. STUDYING TORA. During the seven days of mourning, the Abelim cannot study Tora, except for the sections of the Tanakh (the Scriptures) where themes of pain and affliction are developed (for example, the book of Job). One can also study the laws concerning Abelut. The custom in many communities is that during the seven days, the Abelim not go up to read the Tora, even during Shabbat.

7. SHABBAT : Shabbat is counted as one of the seven days of mourning. On this day, the rules for mourning prevail only in regard to personal and intimate prohibitions (Debarim Shebesina), but no sign of mourning can be expressed in public during Shabbat. Therefore, in honor of Shabbat the Abel will change his/her clothes and wear leather shoes to attend Synagogue. However, the prohibitions about marital relations and studying Tora privately are still in place. It is also forbidden to shave, cut one’s hair, or shower for Shabbat In preparation for Shabbat; however, the mourner can wash his or her body, part by part, with warm water. At the end of Shabbat, after Habdala, the Abel returns to wear his torn clothes and his non-leather shoes to continue his or her seven days of mourning.

8. HOW ARE THE 7 DAYS COUNTED? The seven days begin when the burial has ended. Therefore, the burial day is considered the first of the seven days, provided the burial was completed before sunset, even though a whole day of 24 hours did not occur. Likewise, the seventh day will conclude during the morning of the seventh day, after the Tefila of Shacharit. Thus, for example, if a person died on a Monday night or Tuesday in the morning and was buried on Tuesday, as long as the burial finished Tuesday before sunset, Tuesday counts as the first day and the coming Monday will be the seventh day, concluding the seventh-day mourning period. And as we said, in this example, the mourning will be finalized Monday morning, after the Tefila of Shacharit. From that moment the Abel can work, bathe, wear leather shoes, change his clothes, study Tora, etc.

9. All the rules of shib’a are the same for men and women.



The End Of The Seven Days Of Mourning

1. HOW ARE THE SEVEN DAYS CALCULATED? The seven days of mourning begin when the burial has ended. Therefore, the day of the burial is considered as the first of the seven days even though a whole day of 24 hours did not pass,  provided the burial was completed before sunset,  Likewise, the seventh day will conclude during the morning of that day, after the Tefila of Shacharit. For example: if a person died on a Monday night or Tuesday morning and was buried on Tuesday, as long as the burial finished Tuesday before sunset, Tuesday would count as the first day. And the coming Monday will be considered the seventh day. In this case, the Seventh Day mourning period will be concluded Monday morning, after the Tefila, prayers,  of Shacharit.         

2. THE EVE OF THE SEVENTH DAY: The Sephardic tradition is to have a session of Tora studying and Tora sermons on the last evening of the Seven Days of mourning (in our community, this is called the “haft”).   This session is followed by a Seuda or meal. Originally, this Seuda was served as an act of Chesed and Tsedaqa to feed the poor and the needy in memory (leiluy nishmat) or a loved one that passed away. 

3. THE MORNING OF THE SEVENTH DAY: Once the mourning is concluded, after the prayers of Shacharit, it is customary to visit the cemetery to do an informal memorial (Patach Eliyahu) the recitation of Kaddish (only if ten men are present) and the Hashkaba.

4. RETURNING FROM THE CEMETERY: Upon returning from the cemetery, the mourners remove their mourning torn cloths. From that moment the mourners can wash, bathe, wear leather shoes, change his clothes, go to work, study Tora, etc.

For the laws of the 30 days, see here



SHELOSHIM: Mourning for the 30 days and the 12 months

MOURNING FOR PARENTS AND OTHER RELATIVES
The mourning periods differ depending on whether one is mourning for parents or other relatives. For a father or mother, the mourning period is twelve months, while for other relatives—husband, wife, brothers, and children—it is thirty days.
We keep a stricter mourning period for our parents because it is part of the Mitzva of Kibbud Ab vaEm, honoring one’s parents, which does not expire when our parents pass away.

COUNTING THE 30 DAYS
The thirty days are always calculated from the day of burial. The day of the burial counts as day one. Then you count twenty-nine additional calendar days. When you reach the thirtieth day, the period of Shloshim is completed.

KADDISH
The most important honor rendered for the memory of a loved one is the recitation of Kaddish, which requires the sons to participate in daily Minyanim. Torah study—whether through courses, classes, study groups, or even self-study—in memory of the deceased is also a meaningful way to pay respect. It is equally meritorious to participate in charitable causes, educational projects, or religious volunteer work. According to our tradition, all these actions represent a tribute to our parents.

SHAVING, HAIRCUTS, AND NAILS
For thirty days, counting from the day of burial, mourners for parents or other relatives are forbidden to shave or cut their hair or nails. In the case of mourning for a father or mother, this period is extended by one additional day, according to the Mashadi tradition. Women may fix or cut their hair after seven days. However, the Mashadi tradition is that older women and widows refrain from cutting or dyeing their hair for thirty days, and the same rule applies to trimming nails. For men, a holiday cancels the prohibition against cutting nails and dyeing hair, but not against shaving.

RESTRICTIONS
Mourners should not wear any new garments during mourning: twelve months for a father or mother, and thirty days for other relatives. They should also refrain from participating in festive events while the mourning period lasts. In most cases, these events are defined as occasions where happiness is expressed with festive music, especially live music.

CEREMONIES
If there is a wedding, the mourner may participate in the ceremony (Chupa) but not in the party. When the bride’s or groom’s parents are in mourning, one must consult a competent Rabbinic authority about the possibility of participating in the wedding celebrations.
A mourner may attend other religious ceremonies, such as a Brit Mila, Pidyon haBen, or any other Seudat Mitzva where music is not played. The exception is Sheba Berakhot: during the year of mourning, the mourner should not participate, even if no music is played. For Shabbat Aroussi—when the Sheba Berakhot falls on Shabbat and the presence of the mourner is meaningful for the bride and groom—the mourner may attend that Shabbat Sheba Berakhot.



The house of mourning (Bet haAbel)

1. Once the burial ceremony ends, the mourners come back to their house. Usually, the house of mourning is the house of the deceased, but this obviously varies according to the circumstances. This is the house where people will gather to pray and/or pay their respect to the mourners during the following seven days.

2. Many families in our community would opt however, to have the prayers in one of our Synagogue Minyanim because of the difficulty to gather a Minyan at their house or for other reasons. And although the ancient customs was to have the Minyanim at the house of mourning, our community is lenient in this matter, and attentive to the personal needs and preferences of each family.

3. In the ‘house of mourning’ where prayers will take place and/or visitors will come to pay their respect and condolences during the seven days, the following arrangements should be made:

a. The mourners should sit in short chairs or shallow couches or benches.

b. The mirrors of the house should be covered.

c. It is customary to leave one candle lid, during the seven days. One could use one special seven days candle or light a different candle every day. Each time, before lighting the candle it should be said:

LEILUI NISHMAT… for the elevation of the soul ( in memory ) of… and then one should mention the name of the deceased.

4. When arriving to the house of mourning, the mourners should change their leather shoes for cloth shoes (see the chapter that describes the rules of the seven days or shib’a). Some communities have the tradition to change the shoes in the cemetery, once the burial has finished.

5. When the mourners arrive at the house of mourning, they should eat a special meal called se’udat habra-a , the first meal after the burial.

This meal consists solely of bread and hard-boil eggs without salt. In some communities it is customary to eat lentils as well.

What characterizes this meal is:

a. It must be prepared by the friends, family members or neighbors of the mourners.

b. The mourners must eat this meal while seating on pillows on the floor, or short chairs or stools.

c. After saying haMotzi for the bread, the pieces of bread must be distributed by the one who recites the berakha, handing it into the hand of the mourners.

d. At the conclusion of this meal the Bircat haMazon (blessing after a meal with bread) is recited, adding one special text for this occasion Nachem. . . et Abele Zion etc…). In this text, two berakhot are recited instead of the regular ones, Bone Yerushalaim and Birkat haTob. The zimun or invitation to say Birkat haMazon, is also modify to Nebarekh Menachem Abelim, etc. This special Birkat haMazon and zimun should be recited in this manner during the seven days of mourning, and even during Shabbat if there is no one else present there, except the mourners.

6. When the prayers take place in the house of the mourners, some parts are omitted like the Tachanun, Lamnatzeach mizmor leDavid, the first part of Uba LeZion, Tefila leDavid. And other prayers are added: Lamnatseach Libne Korach Mizmor and Siduk Hadin at the end of services.

7. In some Sephardic Communities it is customary to say Bircat Cohanim when praying in the house of mourning; however, if the Abel is Cohen, he should not participate of this berakha. He should walk into another room while the Birkat Cohanim is recited (during Shabbat, in the synagogue the Cohen in mourning does the Bircat Cohanim normally).

8. During Rosh Chodesh (first day/s of the Hebrew month) the Halel (prayer of praise) is recited in the house of mourning, but the mourner himself will no say it. In some communities it is customary that on Mondays and Thursdays, after praying Shacharit in the house of mourning, those who were present there, excluding the mourners, will go to the Synagogue to read the Tora.

9. When the mourners come to the Synagogue during the seven days of mourning (shib’a) in our community we omit the recitation of the Tachanunim (prayers for repentance and forgiveness). In other communities, the mourner does not say it, but the rest of the congregation does.



Cohanim in the Cementery

1. The Cohanim males can enter a cemetery but cannot get close to a grave or a dead body. They must keep a distance of approximately 6 feet (4 Amot) from a lifeless body or a grave. Likewise, it is forbidden for them to be under a roof or even under a tree, which covers a lifeless body, even though the distance might be more than 6 feet.

2. In some Jewish cemeteries, there is a special area where all the Cohanim remain during the ceremony. The Cohanim stand on the sidewalk in our community cemetery during the burial ceremony. Usually, the grave site for Cohanim that passed away is close to the edge of the burial site, so they don’t have to walk through the other graves. Depending on the time of the year, in the community cemetery (New Montefiore) the tree branches cover the whole avenue of access to the grave site. In that case, the Cohanim should not stand or walk under those trees. They should find an alternative access route by one of the lateral streets.

3. In case one of the seven direct family members passes away (father, mother, son, daughter, brother, single sister, and spouse), the Cohen comes near the lifeless body, and he is allowed to have contact with it or the coffin until the end of the burial ceremony.

4. When there is no other possible way, the direct relatives could go in proximity to other graves to accompany the coffin to its final destination. When the ceremony is over, they should leave the burial site by the shortest way.

5. Women who are daughters of a Cohen or married to a Cohen do not have any restriction regarding access to the cemetery or being in contact with a dead body.



The end of the burial ceremony

1. After the qeri’a is performed, the officiant reads the prayer Patach Elyahu hanabi. Then, when the burial is completed and the sign with the name of the deceased is placed at the head of the grave, the mourners say the first Kaddish, known as Kaddish deHu Atid. This is a special Kaddish which the mourners will recite only on this occasion. Is the only Kaddish that has any allusion to death, resurrection, and a prayer to God to stop sickness, and other calamities from us.

2. The recitation of this Kaddish is usually said by the mourners following the officiant, because some Aramaic words are unusual and difficult to pronounce.

3. Once the Kaddish dehu atid is said, the officiant recites the prayer: siduq hadin, which is said to inspire the mourners into the acceptance of the divine decree. The Siduq hadin, which is recited by the officiant includes the hashkaba, which is the memorial prayer where the Hebrew name of the deceased and his or her father are mentioned.

4. At the end of the siduq hadin, the officiant recites the Mishna “Rabbi Chanania ben Aqashia omer…” and the mourners together with all the attendees who wish to say Kaddish say the Kadish Al Israel.

5. At the end, the officiant or one of the family members announces where they will be sitting Shib’a, the time for Mincha, Arbit, the date for the Didan, etc. The officiant also informs the mourners of the basic laws and traditions of Jewish mourning. After the burial is finished, the attendees are allowed to visit other graves, say hashkaba, place a little pebble on the stone, etc.

6. Before leaving the cemetery, all those present must wash their hands, pouring water three times on each hand, starting with the right hand. The hands should be left to dry naturally, and no paper or towel should be used.



Kaddish ál-Israel

Play Sound Kaddish



KADDISH DEHU ATID

This Kaddish is said by the mourners at the cemetery, at the end of the burial ceremony.

 



The burial ceremony.

At the moment of creation of man the Almighty announced “Let us make man on our image and likeness.” This plural form (Let “us” make…) implies that God was speaking to another entity, and was object of multiple and profound interpretations. One of them says that the Creator addressed the Earth, inviting the earth, so to speak , to create man. The Creator provides the divine soul and the earth the body. The human body, indeed, is mad of earth, atoms. When death occurs, each element returns to its source of origin. The soul goes back to its celestial dimension and the body is reunified with the Earth…”Because you are made of dust of the earth and you shall return to dust of the earth”. The soul arrives by its own means to its heavenly soul, but the body has to be taken by the family members to its final resting place, inside the earth.

There is no formal protocol regarding an universal burial ceremonies for all Jewish communities. Beyond the basic steps, the order of the funeral varies from community to community. In the following lines I describe in detail the steps of the burial ceremony as is done in our community cemetery.

First, the coffin is downloaded from the car and placed in a special carrier. Then, it is carried by the relatives of the deceased. Women do not take place in carrying the coffin. In other communities, which follow Minhag Yerushalaim, the sons are not allowed to carry the coffin. In our community, however, we do not hold such restrictions and we allow any male to take part of it.

The body inside the coffin is transported until the grave, by hand. We have the tradition to make some stops for men, not for woman. Usually we make seven stops, but if it is Friday or the eve of a Jewish holiday or if there is more than one funeral service to do, we stop only three times.

While the body is carried, the rabbi or the officiant recite yosheb beseter elyon (Psalm 91) for a man or eshet chayil (Proverbs 30), for a woman.

Once the people arrive to the gravesite the cemetery employes place the body to be downloaded into the grave. There is a mechanic switch to lower the body, that switch is activated by the officiant or by one of the family members.

Once the body is lowered to the ground, the children begin to shovel earth. First, the sons, three times each. Our custom is to stick the shovel into the ground after the third time, without handing it to somebody else. In our community, we allow women to take part in this ritual. They either pour some earth from the land of Israel, which is specially brought for them, or they take a fist of earth from the gravesite and throw it into it, three times.

After the coffin is covered with one layer of earth, and while people still shovel earth into the gravesite, we do the qeri’a.

Before we explain the qeri’a let me clarify that it is absolutely permitted to allow the gentile workers to shovel earth into the grave, by hand or by the means of a machine. In our community, most families cover the first layer of the coffin by themselves and then allow the workers to finish the job. Other families, prefer to cover the entire gravesite by themselves. In any case, this should not be a reason for machloqet, because there is not prohibition involved and every family should be allowed to decide in this matter. Except if it is Friday or the eve of a holiday, when it must be done only what is required.