Teshuba and blame displacement

In Maimonides’ opinion Teshuba consists of three steps:
1. hakarat hachet, or admission of our personal responsibility .
2. viduy, or confession with sincere remorse for the wrong we have done
3. ‘azibat hachet ,or the resolve to abandon our bad habits.
hakarat hachet is probably the most difficult challenge in Teshuba. Because we naturally tend to justify and rationalize whatever wrong we have done. Or, we might be tempted to play the oldest human game: “blame displacement”.
Everyone knows that God punished Adam and Eve expelling them from Paradise. But why did He punish them? Was it because they ate from the forbidden tree?
Try this. Put on a table all kind of candies, sweets, and cakes in front of a six years old child. In the middle of the table place a simple cherry-tomato. Now, tell the child: ‘You can eat whatever you want except for the tomato’. It will be only a matter of time until the child disobeys, leaves all the carb-loaded foods and grabs the tomato. The forbidden fruit syndrome triggers an irresistible curiosity and desire for what we cannot have, just because we cannot have it. According to Rabbi Yosef Albo (Spain, 1380-1444), Adam and Eve’s sin was not eating from the fruit. God, he reasons, knew they will succumb. God wanted to train the first couple to take charge, confess and repent for their wrong actions. Knowing that making mistakes is part of the human nature, HaShem was teaching them the way to repair and reset: Teshuba!
Adam’s original sin happened when God approached him and asked him: ‘What did you do?’ and instead of admitting his responsibility and asking for God’s forgiveness Adam ‘transferred’ the blame to Eve saying: ‘the woman that You gave to me (You=God. Adam was now blaming God!) she offered me the fruit’. Then God approached Eve and she said: ‘It wasn’t me! The serpent made me do it’.
‘Blame displacement,’ i.e., holding others responsible for our own misdeeds, is probably the main obstacle for repentance, or at least the oldest one.
 
 
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
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HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:10: Unilateral forgiveness

 

Yesterday we explained that when somebody apologizes for an offense or for a wrong thing he or she did to us, we should be willing to forgive and also forget. After all, we are asking from God to forgive us: taking the fist step will be the best way to demonstrate that we deserve to be forgiven (see here).
I was asked by a reader of HOTD yesterday: Can we unilaterally forgive or should we wait for a request for forgiveness?
There is a fundamental difference between asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. As the reader (D.A.) hinted, granting forgiveness can be done unilaterally. It is nice if the offender comes and apologizes. But sometimes people have too much psychological barriers or pride (i.e., low self esteem) or shyness, which impairs them from the possibility of taking charge and ask forgiveness.
And then, we still can forgive.
How and why?
In the Talmud, Megila 28a, we read that R. Nechunya ben haQana, who was very old, was asked by his disciples: “In virtue of what have you reached such a good old age? He quoted the verse. ‘Nor did the curse of my fellow go up on my bed with me’. This is illustrated by Mor Zutra, who, [every night] when going to bed would say: I forgive all those who have offended me”.
This unilateral and unrequested forgiveness released Rabbi Nechunya from hatred and resentment and it impacted positively the length (and I would guess also the quality) of his life.  I’m sure it might work for us as well!
There is a beautiful prayer, inspired by the example of Mor Zutra, found in any prayer book which is recited as part of the reading of the Shema Israel before going to sleep. When said with the proper understanding it helps us to cultivate the habit of forgiveness and prepares us emotionally for such a difficult task. (See below).
I must clarify once again that I’m referring particularly to social and personal offenses, i.e.,  when a friend, a family member, a colleague, a neighbor, etc. did or say something wrong. Political forgiveness or criminal cases are a more complicated matter which can not be addressed in these brief lines. 
The  prayer RIBBONO SHE OLAM HARENi MOCHEL VESOLEACH to say before we go to sleep. 
“Master of the Universe; Behold, I forgive anyone who angered or offended me, whether it was directed toward my person or my money or my honor or anything which pertains to me. [I forgive them] whether the action was performed by total accident or willingly, through neglect or premeditation, whether it was done through speech or physical action. [I forgive them and I request You]: may no person be punished because of me…”


HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:1. Credibility and repentance

 

What is considered a perfect repentance? When one is faced with the same opportunity to repeat the original transgression, but now he does not do it because he has repented… however, when one does not repeat the original transgression, [and refrains from sinning] because now he fears people will find out… his repentance is still accepted, but it is not considered a perfect repentance 
Maimonides gives the example of a man who was involved in an illicit relationship and later on repents. The ultimate test of his repentance would take place if that man is eventually faced with a similar opportunity but now he refrains from repeating the transgression because of his new understanding and remorse.
However, if that man is not faced again with similar circumstances as those leading to his earlier sin (he definitely should not seek them!) or if he faces a similar scenario but now he refrains from sinning because he suspects somebody will find out about his affair, his Teshuba is still accepted. But it is not a perfectTeshuba. Why? because this man might now have changed not because of his conscience, but because of the new circumstances.
A modern example: Sometimes we read in the news about famous people caught doing immoral things. Almost invariably, they would come in front of the cameras and publicly repent and apologize for what they have done. That act is definitely an act of repentance. However, it is at least questionable in terms of its credibility and genuineness, since the whole process of repentance happened as a consequence of having been caught. It cannot be known if they would have really repented from their wrongdoing had they not been caught…
Following Maimonides, the perfect repentance in this case would take place when, while still involved in an illicit relationship or other immoral act, and with no external impediment to continue with it, one decides out of his own conscience (not because of the media!), to stop, repent and change.
That is a perfect and credible Teshuba.


HILKHOT TESHUBA: 1:1. The ultimate regret

 

In his monumental book, Mishne Tora, Maimonides dedicates ten chapters to the subject of Teshuba (repentance). In those chapters he describes and explains the technical issues involved in the process of repentance. He also deals in length with the idea of freedom of choice and how it relates to Teshuba. In the eighth Chapter he clarifies the Jewish view on the afterlife (‘olam-habba) and in the last chapter he elaborates on the proper way to serve God: if we should serve God expecting a reward or out of our unconditional love for Him. 
In this month, Elul, B’H I will try to cover some of these important issues. 
Hilkhot Teshuba 1: 1:
“All the commandments of the Tora, when a person transgress a prohibition or when he fails to perform a positive commandment… when he regrets….”.
Normally, we think of Teshuba/repentance as regretting our mistakes, flaws, misdeeds, etc. But according to Maimonides’ statement we also, or primarily, need to regret what we have notdone. We are accountable not just for our actions but also for our inaction and idleness. For not doing all the good and right things we should have done.
Many times, when I’ve visited in the Hospital patients who knew they will die soon (and they were conscious) I’ve seen that they do not focus their regret on the mistakes they might have made. Rather, at those most sacred last moments, when their whole life lies in front of them and there is not more time to change anything, invariably, I found out, people regret the good things they should have done and they didn’t do. The many opportunities they’ve missed to make a change. Big or small. At these moments, when they realize more than ever the preciousness of time, they regret to have waisted so much of it in material-fruitless efforts instead of giving more, helping more, fighting for what is right and getting closer to God.  People regret they have missed their full potential.  The greater the person or the highest position or the power that person had, the bigger the feeling of frustration for having missed so many opportunities to impact positively his own life and the life of others.
Following this simple idea, Teshuba implies, first of all, the realization of our talents. Taking charge and being responsible for maximizing our potential to make a change, to give, to inspire and to come closer to God.
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Should we forgive?

The days of Elul are days of Teshuba. We ask forgiveness from God, for any ritual transgressions we might have done. And we should seek our peer’s forgiveness for any offenses we might have caused them.

We also need to be willing to forgive.

In Chapter 2, Halakha 10, Maimonides talks about the appropriate attitude of the victim of an offense. He says: “It is forbidden for a person to be insensitive (akhzari) and refuse to be appeased… rather, when someone approaches him seeking his forgiveness, he should forgive him wholeheartedly and with a positive spirit”.

Forgiving is one of the most difficult emotional acts we might be performing in our lives, but at the time we ask forgiveness from God, we should be willing to forgive others as well.

Seeking revenge or even bearing a grudge is actually a Biblical prohibition. According to Maimonides, these altruistic values have had such an impact in the Jewish nation that it became already a ‘second nature’, or part of the Jews present genetic makeup. “[forgiving is part of] the nature (darkan) of the descendants of israel and the inclination of their hearth”

I must clarify, however, that we are referring here to social and personal forgiveness: when a friend, a colleague, a neighbor, etc.did something wrong to me.

 

Political forgiveness is a more complicated matter (I urge the reader to read this): we have no right to forgive the perpetrators and accomplices of the Shoa or those who had any involvement in brutal terrorists acts in Israel or in the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Actually in this week’s Persaha the Torah states clearly that some instances, like the irrational hatred of Amaleq, should never be forgiven or even forgotten, but constantly remembered, lest it repeats itself.

 

SHABBAT SHALOM!

 

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Rabbi Yosef Bitton.

130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024.

Email: rabbibitton@yahoo.com

 

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The original sin and blame displacement

In Maimonides opinion Teshuba consists of three steps:
1. hakarat hachet or, admission of our personal responsibility .
2. viduy, or confession with sincere remorse for the wrong we have done
3. azibat hachet or the resolve to abandon a bad habit.

Personally, I believe that hakarat hachet is the most difficult challenge in Teshuba. Because naturally, we tend to justify and rationalize whatever wrong we have done. Or play the oldest human game: “blame displacement“.

Everyone knows that God punished Adam and Eve expelling them from Paradise. But why did He expel them? What did they do wrong? Eating from the forbidden tree?

Try this. Put on a table all kind of candies, sweets, and cakes in front of a six years old child. In the middle of the table place a simple cherry-tomato. Now, tell the child: ‘You can eat whatever you want except for the tomato’. It will be only a matter of time until the child disobeys, leaves everything else and eats the tomato. The ‘forbidden fruit’ syndrome triggers an irresistible curiosity and desire. According to Rabbi Yosef Albo, Adam and Eve’s sin was not eating from the fruit. God, he said, knew they will succumb! God wanted to train them to take charge, confess and repent for one’s wrong actions. He was teaching them to do Teshuba!

Adam’s real error happened when God approached him and asked him: ‘What did you do?’ and instead of admitting his responsibility and asking for God’s forgiveness, Adam ‘transferred’ the blame to Eve. He said: ‘the woman that You (You=God. Adam was blaming God!) placed next to me, she offered me the fruit’. Then, God approached Eve, and she said: ‘It wasn’t me! The serpent made me do it’.

‘Blame displacement,’ blaming others for our misdeeds, is probably the main obstacle for repentance, or at least the oldest one.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton.

130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024.

Email: rabbibitton@yahoo.com

 

 

Click here to see what the three most important words in a relationship are.



Teshuba and the end of life

Maimonides enumerates four different categories of transgressions for which Teshuba represents an atonement. The first category is repenting for Mitzvot ‘Ase, or positive commandments (1:4).

Lately, I thought a lot about this apparently simple idea. “Transgressing a positive commandment” means: failing to do something good!. Normally, when we think of Teshuba we recall our mistakes, flaws, misdeeds, etc. But according to Maimonides’ statement: we need to regret (and act upon!) not only for what we have done wrong but also or primarily for what we have not done!

It reminds me of one of the deepest experiences I’ve been exposed to as a rabbi. When I visited in the Hospital patients who knew they will die soon, I found out that they are not focused that much on the mistakes they have made. Rather, those patients, at these sacred last moments, are regretful for the good things they should have done and they didn’t do. For the many opportunities they’ve missed to help others, to learn more Torah, to give more Tsedaqa, etc. In other words, people regret they have missed their full potential to do good. They feel they have had the capacity to do more than what they did. The greater the person was, or the highest position that person had, the bigger the feeling of having missed so many opportunities to make a positive change in himself and in others.

In a sense, if we take seriously the Jewish concept of Rosh haShana: the rabbis’ idea that every new year we are judged weather to be granted or not an additional year of life, the days before rosh haShana are well suited to reflect, not just in our flaws, but (mainly?) in our potential to learn, to grow, to give, to help, to make a real change.

 

 

 

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Viduy (confession) and Alcoholism

Anyone familiar with the process of Teshuba (repentance) delineated by Maimonides, would not be surprised to learn how the A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) or other agencies who help people with all type of addictions have developed a program which includes: “admission of one’s problem” as one of the first steps in the way of recovery.

In the process of Teshuba, as we have explained, the ultimate (not necessarily the ‘last’) step that leads into repentance is also the Viduy: confession, admission of one’s problem. Admission implies to stop the denial, and acknowledge to ourselves that we have a problem, an addiction, a flaw.

The first difficulty an alcoholic needs to overcome, if he wants to get cured is to do away with all his excuses. Anyone which is criticized of having an alcohol problem will probably begin by defending himself saying: “I’m NOT an alcoholic. I just like to have a few drinks a day, like everyone else. I’m in control. I can stop whenever I want”.

That is why when one attends A.A. meetings, the first step toward a cure is for the person to say loud and clear: “My name is Joe, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Notice that, same as required on the Viduy, the addict must articulate and verbalize his problem, not just think about it. This articulation is an indispensable prerequisite to overcome his conscious and subconscious denial.


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Should I be specific?

According to Maimonides, the commandment of Teshuba is fulfilled when we recite the Viduy. Viduy means ‘confession,’ and it consists on the articulation of our transgressions, admitting our responsibility and feeling regret for the wrong things we have done.

The Viduy/confession is done privately. We do not disclose our sins in front of other people or a rabbi, but right in front of God. Whispering the confession to ourselves.

There is a discussion of the Talmud if at the recitation of the Viduy one has to specify his wrongdoings (Rabbi Yehuda ben Baba) or one can just state in general terms that he has acted wrongly (Rabbi Akiba).

According to the Shulchan Arukh, there is no need to mention every specific sin that one has committed during the last year. This leniency aims at not discouraging a person who wants to repent, but does not find himself capable (or courageous enough) of recalling the specifics of his bad behavior.

Maimonides, however, rules like the first opinion and indicates that one has to mention in his private confession, everything wrong he has done.

To follow Maimonides opinion, one will need to apply himself to a deep introspection, exercising greatly his memory, struggling against his own denial, reviewing last year’s actions, and perhaps, writing a list of all misdeeds he can remember.

Additionally, the text of the Viduy that we have in the Machzorim –the one we say for Selichot for example– should be seen as a reminder of the subjects one has to review, repent for, and hopefully correct.

As we have said before, all this spiritual/ethical activity cannot be done overnight. We dedicate to it forty days, from the beginning of Elul until Yom Kippur: the day we devote ourselves entirely and exclusively to Teshuba/Viduy.

 

 

Shabbat Shalom!

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“Confession and Redemption”

by Rabbi Zev Leff (Aish.com)



Repentance and verbal confession

In his Mishne Torah, Maimonides dedicates ten chapters to the subject of Teshuba (repentance). In those chapters he describes and explains the technical issues involved in the process of repentance. He deals in length with the idea of freedom of choice and its relationship to Teshuba, and most interestingly, he clarifies the Jewish view on afterlife and the World to come (‘olam-habba). On the last chapter he elaborates on the proper way to serve God: if we should serve God expecting a reward or out of our unconditional love for Him. In this month, Elul, I will try B’H to cover some of these important issues.

 

 

At the very beginning of Hilkhot Teshuba (The Laws of Teshuba 1:1) Maimonides clarifies that Teshuba, understood as: 1.Admission of our wrong behavior. 2. Repentance and 3. Resolution to change our behavior, is a prerequisite for the performance of the Mitzvah which is explicit in the Torah: the Viduy, or “confession”.

 

“When one repents and returns from his sin, he must confess before God… as it is written: (bamidbar 5:6) “…and they shall confess the sin that they committed”. This refers to a oral confession. This confession is positive commandment”.

 

Oral or verbal confession is said to the exclusion of a mental confession. Similar to psychoanalysis, where the patient begins his metal healing when he or she is able to articulate his trauma, in the process of Teshuba, we reach the level of ‘admission of our sins’ only when we are able to articulate our transgressions with words, not with thoughts. Bad habits might remain forever in our subconscious mind unless we articulate them.

Confessing and verbalizing is the ultimate way of admitting our mistakes, which is the most important step we must take to arrive to the goal of the Teshuba process: positive behavioral change.