Admitting that we don’t know…

Today is the 8th day of Elul, 5770

Hakarat haChet, acknowledging our mistakes, is the first step of the process of Teshuba (repentance and change).

One of the reasons admitting our mistakes becomes so challenging is because we usually act as our own judges… and we don’t know any better!

Let me offer you a personal illustration:

English is my third language. My English grammar skills are not that strong. While writing I make many mistakes, but I’m not aware of most of them. Once I wrote “If you’re seating…” instead of “sitting”… Before I send the group email I always check the spelling. Nothing was wrong! I read it a second and a third time. Everything looked fine ‘to me’… The truth is that I had no chance to correct myself because I didn’t know the difference between writing ‘seating’ and ‘sitting’! My ignorance –voluntary ignorance to a certain extent- prevented any improvement in my actions!

So, what is the solution?

Improve your ‘knowledge’! Learning more English will help me to be more perceptive and will empower me to detect future mistakes.

The same is true with Judaism. I want to do Teshuba. I want to become a better Jew. Then, first: I’ve to learn more about Judaism. Otherwise, it’s a catch-22: I think I know, but  I don’t know any better, how am I supposed to improve myself?

Learning Tora is a prerequisite to detecting our flaws and improving ourselves.



Hilkhot Teshuba 3:1-8 Teshuba and the tipping point

In the third chapter of his Hilkhot Teshuba Maimonides explains that in terms of religious behavior, there are three categories of people: rasha’, tsadiq and benoni. The rasha’ (the bad guy) is the person whose balance of good deeds against bad deeds is negative. The tsadiq (a righteous person) is the one who has done more good than harm. And the benoni (the average person) is defined by Maimonides as the person whose good and bad deeds are in a state of equilibrium (3:1). At a later Halakha (3:4) Maimonides explains that the calculation of our own fault and merits is inaccessible to us. This estimate does not depend on the number of Mitsvot we have done, as if the Tora would be a system of “points” in a scoreboard. Actually, this calculation is only known to God. Why? Because He is the only one who knows, for example, what our real positive potential is. If my potential is 10 and I reached 7, I have less merit than the person whose potential is 5 and reached 5. In another example, only HaShem knows the intensity of the negative psychological forces that might be driving a person to do what he or she does. The more intense these forces are, the more merit has the individual who overcomes them. For one person, it may not be very difficult to avoid stealing because he might have a natural inclination to honesty. For another individual, not stealing or lying might be a huge challenge. The balance of our merits and faults, says Maimonides, is only known to God. This thought leads Maimonides to the following question: Since I cannot know if in God’s eyes I am or am not a righteous person, how do I have to see myself? If I see myself as a great guy, I might rely too much on my merits and remain in a state of inertia, doing nothing to improve my life. On the other hand, if I see myself as a bad guy, I might think I’m already beyond redemption (= ye-ush, a state in which we give up) and will do nothing to improve. Maimonides concludes (3:8) that a person should always perceive itself as a perfect 50/50. As if my good and bad deeds are at a delicate balance, between merits and sins, permanently. Knowing that I am in that state of equilibrium, the next action I do will definitely count! What I will do in the next few minutes is extremely important because it will determine whether I am a good or a bad person. Thus, my next action becomes the tipping point of my entire personality. What I do next will determine who I really am.

 



TESHUBA, in front of a camera

“What is considered a perfect act of repentance? When one is faced with the same opportunity to repeat the original transgression, but now he does not do it because he has repented… however, when one does not repeat the original transgression, [and refrains from sinning] because now he fears people will find out… his repentance is still accepted, but it is not considered a perfect repentance”  
To explain a perfect scenario of Teshuba, Maimonides gives the example of a man who is involved in an adulterous relationship and later on repents. The ultimate test of his repentance would take place if that man is eventually faced with a similar opportunity but now he refrains from repeating the transgression, because he repented, and because he has reached a new understanding: now he realizes that following his material impulses will hurt him, driving him away from God.
However, if that man faces a similar scenario but now he refrains from sinning because he fears somebody will find out about his affair, his Teshuba is still acceptable, but it is not considered a complete Teshuba. Why? Because this man might have changed his conduct not because of his repentance and his renewed understanding, but just because of social embarrassment, fear of losing his job, etc.
A modern example:  Very often we read in the news about a public figure, usually someone involved in politics, who was caught doing an immoral act. Many times these people would come in front of the TV cameras and publicly express their regret and apologize for what they have done. This is definitely an act of repentance. However, because of its timing, this act of Teshuba is questionable in terms of its credibility and genuineness. Why? Because the whole process of repentance, regret and apologies happened as a consequence of being caught. It is possible that what prompts this person to repent is his fear to loss his  reputation, his job, his family etc., rather than his moral conscience.    
Following Maimonides words, the perfect act of repentance in this case would have taken place if, while still involved in an illicit relationship or other immoral act, before being caught and with no external impediment to continue with it, one would decide out of his own conscience, to stop, repent and change.

That would be a perfect a and complete Teshuba



Teshuba and Jiminy the cricket

Our conscience is an integral part of the makeup of our Neshama (human soul). Like Pinocchio’s cricket, Jiminy, its mission is to warn us whenever we are about to do something wrong. Conscience, moral awareness, is the most effective mental mechanism which protect us from bad behavior. For instance: If we are about to say something negative about someone else (lashon haRa) ideally, our conscience will scream from within and demand us to stop: ‘Don’t do it! This is very wrong!’ .

But, what happens when we don’t listen to the first alert-call of our conscienceand we still do it? How many times our conscience will keep warning us?
As a rule, our conscience would shout very loudly the first time or two. But then, if we keep doing the wrong thing, the conscience’s voice becomes weaker and lower. To the point that, if we persist, our conscience turns virtually mute.
Maimonides describes very vividly this passive moral-state as ‘the lethargy of our conscience’.


The Torah’s cure for the sleeping conscience is the Shofar. The Shofar is the alarm-clock of our consciences. The Shofar has a shocking positive effect on us.Its loud voice represents and helps us to retrieve the original loud voice of our dormant consciences.
In the words of Maimonides (3:4) the Shofar of Rosh haShana carries a strong message :
‘Wake up you sleepy ones from your lethargy, and you who slumber, wake up! Inspect your deeds, repent and remember your Creator…Look at your souls. Improve your ways and actions, and abandon your evil paths and bad thoughts’
 
 
 


HILKHOT TESHUBA 4:2 When the King repents

Maimonides explains the difficulties of admitting to ourselves that we have sinned. Taking charge of our misdeeds -hakarat haHet- is probably the hardest step in the process of Teshuba. In the days before Rosh haShana we are expected to act as our own judges evaluating objectively our past actions. “Objectivity” is not an easy state of mind. It goes against our normal mental behavior. We naturally tend to justify our actions. Everything we have done becomes right in our own eyes.
David haMelekh committed a terrible sin. He took bat-sheba, a married woman, and sent her husband, a soldier, to a sure death in the battlefront. David did not repent by the call of his own conscience. Natan the prophet was sent by God to admonish the King and help him realize the seriousness of the sins he committed. Natan came to the court of King David (back then, the King was also the supreme Judge) and presented him with a fictitious case to judge: A rich man owned thousands of animals. His poor neighbor had only one lamb. One day the rich man had an important guest coming to his house. In order to spare one of his own animals the rich man decided to slaughter his neighbor’s lamb, which he dearly loved.  As Natan expected the King reacted angrily toward this injustice. King David said: “That man (=the rich guy) deserves to die!” Natan the prophet then turned to David and said: atta ha-ish…. “You are that man!”.  Faced now with the objective facts and having issued the harsh sentence against himself King David recognized his wrongdoing. He repented and humbly confessed: ‘hattati laHashem…’ , ‘I have sinned against God’. 
Due to the irreparable damage caused by these transgressions, David was not permitted to build the bet-haMiqdash. But God accepted his repentance.
Natan opened the King’s eyes. And helped him realize the gravity of his actions objectively. By presenting him a fictitious case he forced the King to play the role of an impartial judge. Allowing him to “watch at himself from the balcony”. Freeing him from the psychological mechanisms of self-defense. Which often represent the biggest obstacle in the way to repentance.

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 4:1-2. Obstacles in the way of Teshuba

In Chapter 4 of Hilkhot Teshuba Maimonides enumerates twenty-four actions, personality patterns or attitudes which prevent or make very difficult for a person to begin or undergo the process of repentance.
Three illustrations.
DOMINO EFFECT (4:1)
Those who because of their teachings or their bad example…. induce or influence other people to sin. Sometimes, if we have taught or inspire other people to act in the wrong way, we have triggered a negative domino effect which eventually gets out of our hand. In this case repentance is virtually impossible. Why? Because part of the process of repentance consists in repairing what I have done wrong. So, even if I personally repent from my wrong actions,  how could I be able to repair the damage other people have caused because of my wrong teachings or bad example? In this
 scenario, I’m virtually beyond redemption. Because despite my own personal repentance my example is still exerting a negative influence in other people to an unknown extent. 
CALCULATED TESHUBA (4:1) Sinning with the intention of repenting later. Maimonides refers here to a situation in which I’m about to commit a sin and before I do it I say to myself :  “I will sin now and repent for this sin later on.” Or I say to myself: “Since Yom Kippur is the day of forgiveness, I will sin now and God will forgive me for this sin in Yom Kippur”. In these conditions Teshuba is unacceptable. Because Teshuba is welcomed by the Creator when it comes from a sincere remorse, not when it is part of a calculated game-plan.
DEFENSIVE PERSONALITY (4:2) Someone who refuses to be corrected or criticized. Imagine a person incapable of accepting a minimal dose of positive criticism, even when coming from those who care for his or her well being. Many times, this type of personality-disfunction is a consequence of a low self esteem or other psychological issues which prevent a person to cope with any criticism.   This person, Maimonides concludes, will likely continue with his or her bad habits because is incapable of seeing himself as other people perceive him.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND
Great minds talk about ideas. 
Average minds talk about things. 
Small minds talk about people. 

Eleanor Roosevelt

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 3:14 Maimonides on Bullying

 In the third chapter of Hilkhot Teshuba, Halakha 5,  Maimonides asserts that the Jews, and the righteous among the gentiles (haside ummot ha’olam), will be granted a share in ‘olam habba, the afterlife.
Then Maimonides writes about the exceptions to the above-mentioned rule. Those individuals who are excluded from the world to come because of the severity of their sins (unless they repair the damage they have caused and repent during their lifetime).  Maimonides enumerates twenty-four categories of sins. These include heretical statements-such as denying the existence of God, and sins with irreparable effects, like committing national treason (moredim, moserim) killing, and slandering (ba’ale leshon hara’).
Toward the end of the chapter (3:14) Maimonides refers to eight cases, seemingly of a lesser severity, which were also mentioned by the Rabbis as sins for which one would lose his or her part in the world to come.
Four of these cases could be translated in modern term as “bullying” (nicknaming, verbal abuse, etc.). Bullying is a verbal offense which can cause as much damage as physical violence. Unlike physical violence, though, bullying is usually not penalized by secular law and could go unseen for a long time. Victims of bullying, especially if they suffer from low self esteem, usually do not denounce the perpetrators (and low self-esteem is an effect of bullying-do you see the vicious cycle here?). Because of this, abusive bullying tends to continue with devastating emotional effects for long periods of time.
Unfortunately, in our days bullying has become epidemic. In some cases the classroom or bus is divided into three groups: the bullies, the victim/s of bullying and those who watch and do nothing.
As parents, we need to be alert and detect the symptoms of bullying.  We should educate our children in the following ways: First, to identify and denounce bullying if they are victims of it.  Second, to not be passive bystanders when they witness acts of bullying. Third and most importantly, to respect the dignity of every human being and keep away from this hideous behavior.

 

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:1: Forgiveness and quality of life

Yesterday we explained that when somebody apologizes for an offense or for a wrong thing he or she did to us, we should be willing to forgive and also forget. After all, we are asking from God to forgive us. And by taking the fist step forgiving others, we certainly become more deserving of God’s forgiveness .
Question: Can we forgive others on our own, or should we wait for their request for forgiveness?
There is a fundamental difference between asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. Granting forgiveness can be done unilaterally. Obviously, it is nicer and more appropriate when the offender comes and apologizes. But sometimes people are too shy or have too many psychological barriers or pride (=low self esteem) which impairs them from the possibility of taking charge of their wrongdoings and apologize.
And still, we can forgive.
In the Talmud, Megila 28a, we read that the elder R. Nehunya ben haQane was asked by his disciples: “In virtue of what have you reached such a good old age? He quoted the verse. ‘Never thecurse of my fellow man came up to my bed with me’. This was explained [=exemplified] by Mor Zutra who every night when going to bed would say: ‘I forgive all those who have offended me'”.
In other words: Every night before going to sleep Rabbi Nehunya practiced forgiveness of his own initiative. This unilateral exoneration freed Rabbi Nehunya from the curse of hatred and resentment, and impacted positively in the length (and probably also on the quality) of his life.
There is a beautiful prayer, inspired by the example of Rabbi Nehunya found in every prayer book in the section of Qeriyat Shema’ ‘al haMita. The following is an excerpt of that prayer “RIBBONO SHE OLAM, HARENI MOHEL VESOLEAH…” to be said before we go to sleep. 
  
“Master of the Universe! Behold, I forgive anyone who has angered or offended me. Whether it was directed toward my person or my money or my honor or anything which pertains to me. [I forgive them], whether his or her actions were performed by total accident or willingly; through negligence or premeditation; whether it was done through speech or physical action. [I forgive them and I request from You]: may no person be punished because of me…”
I must clarify once again that in this Halakha I’m referring particularly to forgiveness in the context of social and personal minor offenses, when a friend, a family member, a colleague, a neighbor, etc. did or said something wrong to us. Forgiveness for criminal or major offenses belong to a different category and can not be addressed in these brief lines. 

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 1:1: to be or not to be specific?

Maimonides explains that the commandment of Teshuba is fulfilled when we recite the Viduy.  Viduy is the verbal confession of our transgressions, while feeling regret and shame for the wrong things we have done.
The Viduy/confession is done privately. We do not disclose our sins in front of other people or a minister, but only in front of God. Whispering the confession to ourselves.
There is a discussion in the Talmud (Rabbi Yehuda ben Baba vs. Rabbi Aqiba) if one needs to specify his or her wrongdoings or one can just state in general terms that he has acted wrongly. It is similar to the situation we would face when we want to apologize to someone we have offended: should we apologize mentioning the specifics of our wrongdoing or should we just say a general “I’m sorry for what I have done to you “?
According to the Shulhan Arukh it is not necessary to mention every specific sin that one has committed. This leniency aims specifically at not discouraging a person who wants to repent. Since he might not be capable –or courageous enough– to recalling the particulars of his wrong behavior. A general confession facilitates the process of Teshuba.
Maimonides, however, rules like the first opinion and indicates that one should mention in his private confession everything wrong he has done. Teshuba 1:1, “and then one shall confess, I have done so and so…”.
If we wish to follow Maimonides opinion we need to apply ourselves to a deep process of introspection. Exercising our memory and struggling against our impulses of denial and self advocacy. While reviewing our past actions it might help to write down all misdeeds we can remember. Including obviously, unpaid debts and apologies we owe to our peers.
In the context of Maimonides opinion the text of the Viduy –the one we say for Selihot, for example– should be seen as a reminder of the points we should recall, repent for, and hopefully correct.
This challenging spiritual/ethical/intellectual activity cannot be done overnight. We dedicate to it forty days, from the beginning of Elul until Yom Kippur: the day we devote ourselves entirely and exclusively to the exercise of Teshuba/Viduy.

 



SELIHOT: Training for a Marathon day

From the second day of the month of Elul (today!) until Yom Kippur, the Sephardic custom is to recite the Selihot prayer.Selihot is a special Tefila which inspires us to reflect on our actions and ask forgiveness from our peers and from the Almighty for our mistakes and wrongdoings. Selihot is traditionally said before the morning prayer (Shaharit), although technically, Selihot could be said also during nighttime (after midnight) or even during the day.The Ashkenazi Minhag is to start Selihot services the last Sunday before Rosh haShana. However, when Rosh haShana falls on a Monday or Tuesday (it can never fall on a Sunday) Selihot will begin two Sundays before Rosh haShana.

Also, during the entire month of Elul the Ashkenazim and many Sephardim (Moroccans, Persians, etc. but not Syrians) have the custom to blow the Shofar.

The goal of Selihot and the blowing of the Shofar is to inspire us to begin the process of Teshuba. Teshuba consists of introspection and repentance. But ultimately it means coming back or closer to God (depending on one’s point of departure).  This high spiritual goal cannot be achieved overnight or just by making a decision to change. It demands a serious and patient course of actions in which we revisit our deeds and particularly our values.  We reexamine our goals and the distractions that have driven us away from those goals.  This intense spiritual intellectual process begins today and culminates during Yom Kippur.  Think of Yom Kippur as a spiritual marathon: a whole day consecrated exclusively to appealing to HaShem, begging His forgiveness and committing ourselves to major changes in our lives. No one will run a marathon without a previous training. Similarly, to be in good shape for Yom Kippur we make an intense forty-days training of which Selihot is a most essential part.

Dedicated to baby Yosef Bitton, son of Jacob and Rivkah.