Can we lie to avoid embararsement?

The Tora instructs us to stick to the truth and stay away from lies. In some exceptional cases, however, the Rabbis acknowledged that it was permitted or even recommended to withhold the true facts (see this). The Rabbis also considered that when a person is faced with an embarrassing situation, he is also allowed to change the story.

For example, if a person goes to see a doctor, a therapist or visits the hospital, and he meets a friend or a neighbor, and he does not wish others to know about his problem, he is allowed to withhold the truth and conceal the real reason for his visiting to the hospital.

It is important to remember that all cases in which we are allowed to withhold the truth are situations where our narrative does not affect, damages or hurts somebody else. If there are two partners in a business, for example, and one of them made an embarrassing mistake that somehow affects the company, he can not conceal his mistake from his partner adducing embarrassment.

Also, a son or a daughter should not lie to his or her parents (or teachers) when they made a mistake, in an attempt to avoid embarrassment. Parents are supposed to know (and accept!) that a son or a student might fail or make a mistake. And adults are there to guide and teach their children on how to learn from those mistakes. By the way, it is very important is for parents to praise our children when, despite the embarrassment, they have the courage to tell us the truth. When children find a mature, confident and empathetic parent who helps the child processing his embarrassing experience in a positive way, that child will have no reason to hide his future mistakes from his parents and will be in a better position to avoid repeating them in the future.

RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: The Honest YES

In the Tora it is written: (vayiqra 19:36) “Use honest scales and honest weights, an honest ephah and an honest hin ; I am the LORD your God, who brought you out from the land of Egypt.” Epha and hin are Biblical units of measurements (like pounds or ounces). The Tora instructs the seller to keep his commercial scales well adjusted and clean. So there is no dishonesty in trade and business transactions. Otherwise, even a little dirt on the scale will affect the final weight. And the buyer will get less than what he or she is paying for.

Our Rabbis extended the scope of this Mitzva. To remember this rule they explained that the word hin –a liquid measure unit– is similar to the word hen which in ancient Aramaic means YES. They said: in the same way we must have an honest scale (hin) we need say an honest “yes” (hen). In a business transaction our YES has to be always an honest YES.

Illustration: A client is willing to buy a car from me right now if I assure him that I will deliver the car at the end of the week. I know that I will not get the car by the end of the week. But I say to myself: ‘I will close the deal now, and tomorrow or the next day I just tell him that there was an unexpected delay’. So I say YES and we close the deal. That would be an example of a dishonest YES. I should have told the truth to my customer. Even when I know that by saying NO he might go somewhere else to buy his car. If I lie to my customer and I say a dishonest YES I’m transgressing the Mitzvah of keeping a right YES, and a right NO.

Rabbi Eliezer Papo (1785-1828) in his book Pele Yo’etz assures that although in the short term the seller might lose a good deal, in the long term, the honest YES and the honest NO is not just the right thing to do but the smartest business decision as well. Because, he explains, there is no bigger asset for a seller than his good name and a good reputation.

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RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Robbing and stealing

Stealing, in Hebrew geneba is when I take something that doesn’t belong me without the owner of that object knowing. While robbing, gezela, is to take something from a person by force. Someone can steal your belongings when you’re not home. However, if a person approaches you on the street and forces you to give them your watch, you have been robbed.

In both cases, the perpetrators must restitute the object they took or its monetary value to its owner. But in ancient Jewish Law, the one that stole (sic) had to pay twice the value, while the one that rob had to restitute just whatever he took by force (this point will be explained later on).

Stealing is forbidden regardless of the value of the object I take. Even if I steal something of an insignificant monetary value (pachot mishave peruta) I have perpetrated and act of stealing. Moreover, even if I take something temporarily from somebody else, i.e., I said to myself that I’m borrowing an object to use it for a while without the owner’s knowledge and with the intention to bring it back to him, it is still considered stealing.

It is forbidden to steal from a fellow Jew or from a gentile. If the gentile made a mistake and, for example, gave me extra change, although it is technically his mistake and legally I could hold the extra money, it might be an opportunity to fulfill one of the most important Mitzvot of the Tora: Kiddush haShem, sanctifying God’s name. Which will happen when a non Jew would see an exemplary moral behavior of a Jew and would be inspired to praise God for having given the Jewish people a Law of fairness and wisdom (=The Tora). Furthermore, according to Sefer haChasidim those who made money out of a mistake of a gentile did not see any blessing from it.

READ: GUSH KATIF, seven years later.

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RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: When all depends on the intention

We have explained the prohibition of genebat da’at, i.e., when I falsely pretend that I care or I want to help, just to benefit from leaving a positive impression in somebody else mind. Our Rabbis classified these actions as “stealing peoples’ mind”.

A typical example: If one of my friends is preparing a party or an event for which manpower is required, and my help is definitely needed. And, for whatever the reason might be, I don’t come to help. But when I estimate that everything is done and ready and my help is not needed anymore, I come to my friend’s house to offer my help. And when my friend tells me that everything is already done, I pretend as if I’m sorry and regret that I can not be of help… For me, it might look like a win/win situation: I have not helped, and I still enjoy the benefit of having left a positive impression on my friend as if I had really helped him!

The Tora condemns this type of cynical attitude and considers it a form of “stealing”.

There are some cases, however, in which one can sincerely be offering his or her help, even though one knows that his offer will be refused. If for example, I come to my friend’s house and I see that he has an unexpected guest or event, etc. and then I sincerely offer my help, not to cause a false impression, but to show that I care, knowing that my empathy will make my friend feeling good, then it is absolutely valid.

In other words, the issue of genebat da’at depends on one’s intention and cannot be judged by a third party based just on the facts at sight. genebat da’at pertains to a category of actions that are judged only between oneself and God.

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RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Leaving involuntarily a false positive impression

The Rabbis defined geneabt da’at (stealing other people mind) as a situation in which I mislead other people to think favorably about me or about an action I did (see here).

Some times however, there are borderline circumstances, in which a positive but misleading impression is leftinvoluntarily. The Rabbis argued about the merits of this matter.

A real example: It was customary that when a Rabbi would come to town his students or colleagues would go to welcome him before he reached the city. It happened that two rabbis, Raba and Rab Safra, left their city to take care of some personal matters and to their surprise on the way they met a distinguished rabbi, Mor Zutra, who was coming into their city. Mor Zutra thought that they came to welcome him, and with a deep sense of gratitude he said: “I’m so honored that such distinguished Rabbis like you have come all the way to welcome me!”. Rab Safra, which was famous for being extremely straightforward and truthful said: “Well, the truth is that we did not know that you were coming. We were in our way for a different matter and we happened to meet you. However, if we would have known of your coming, we would have received you with more honors”. Later on Raba questioned Rab Safra’s attitude and said to him: “Why did you have to hurt Mor Zutra who thought that we were coming to honor him?”. Raba added “In this case we did not initiate anything proactively with the intention of leaving a false big impression on him! We did not want to mislead him. But now we have actually hurt him and embarrass him!”.

When the other Rabbis heard and analyzed this case they thought that Raba was right and they asserted that the prohibition of causing a positive false impression on someone applies when we initiate the misleading action, but if the other person brings himself to that impression, and especially in this type of situations bordering with embarrassment, then we do not need to rectify the false positive impression we left.

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RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Fictitious invitations

Last week we explained the prohibition of genebat da’at, to steal people’s mind. Which means among other things, to make someone feel that we care about him, when we really don’t (seehere).

For example: we should not invite to our party someone that we had no intention to invite since now we found out that he is not going to be in town that day. That is genebat da’at.

But what if I really wanted to invite that person to my party, and now I find out that he is going to be out of town. Could I still insist to him to come to my party anyways, knowing that he will not be able to come? Is that also considered genebat da’at because I know he will not be coming. Rabbi Melamed (penine halakha 3:71) indicates that in this last case, although it is a fictitious invitation, since I had the intention to invite him, there is no harm in inviting him anyways. On the contrary, it is possible that if I don’t invite him he might get offended. In this case there is nogenebat da’at because the host really loves that person and he had sincerely wished for him to be in his party.

But when I had no intentions to invite someone and then, when I know that she is going to be out of town I pretend as if I’m sorry that she cannot come to my party, that is genebat da’at. Because all the purpose of my fictitious invitation is just a big act to gain some points to my favor from this relationship, and my invitation is based on false pretenses, i.e., an insincere demonstration of interest and love for that person.

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√ Click here to read and excellent article by Spangler

√ Click here to read a view from a non-Jewish

perspective

RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Stealing people’s mind

Last week we explained the nature of the prohibition of genebat da’at (see here). We defined genebat da’at as stealing people’s minds. genebat da’at takes place when we do or hide something or say something which is not true, with the intention that people will have a good or better impression about us or about an item we want to sell.

Some examples of genebat da’at:

√ A seller should be sincere with a customer. If a woman is trying on a dress and the seller sees that the dress is not a good fit for her, the seller should not tell the woman that the dress looks amazing on her or anything of that sort.

√ Similarly, a seller must tell the buyer the pros and the cons of the product he tries to sell. And if the product has any defect he should not hide it from the buyer. Misleading deliberately a buyer is defined in the Shulchan ‘arukh as genebat da’at (choshen mishpat 228:6).

√ The Talmud (Cholin 94a) brings a different category of examples: If I have an unexpected guess at my house and I already had the intention of opening an expensive wine that evening I should not say to my guest: “We are opening this wine in your honor” to make a good impression on him. Or, the Gemara says, if the wine is a simple wine I should not overpraise it to impress my guest and make him feeling that he owes me or he should be extra grateful to me.

√ Similarly, if I know that someone is not going to come to my wedding party because in that particular day he is going to be out of town, and I had not intention to invite him anyways, I should not give him an invitation or tell him: “I wish you could have come to my wedding”, to make a good impression on him.

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RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Stealing people’s mind

In the previous weeks we explained the prohibition of lying. Today we will start to explore a similar concept which is called in Hebrew genebat da’at. genebat da’at could be understood as a form of “stealing” (stealing one’s mind).As such, this prohibition is learn from the pasuq in Vayqra lo tignobu (19:11) “You shall not steal”.

It is important to clarify that this prohibition is different from the Eighth of the Ten Commandments. The Eighth Commandment is understood in Judaism in the context of “stealing another human being”, in other words “kidnapping”, while the Pasuq in Vayiqra applies to stealing valuables.

In any case, some Rabbis (Ritba) explained that the pasuq of Vaiqra also extends to other forms of stealing, among them genebat da’at, stealing people’s mind. Other Rabbis asserted that the source of genebat da’at is a different Mitzva (Vayqra 19:18) “And you shall love your fellowman as yourself”, which means, do not do to others what you would not want others to do to you. Stealing one’s mind is different from stealing, because the intention is not to steal money from the victim. Stealing people’s minds is when I pretend that I care about someone and I do everything as if I’m trying to help that person, but after all, I just care about my own interest, which I will do every possible effort to conceal.

A common example of the transgression of genebat da’at is if a politician disguises his own personal interest and agendas, and acts as if he would care just for the poor or the weak, etc. concealing his intention for advancing his own private agenda. To achieve that, such a politician would hire professionals to teach him techniques to create a convenient perception in the public’s opinion and to build a image of himself as champion of somebody else’s cause. Obviously, genebat da’at does not occur solely in the world of politics, it could also take place in the world of business, in dating, in our social life, and much more. (to be continued…) From the book Penine Halakha

RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Can we lie to avoid embarrasment?

The Tora instructed us to stick to the truth and stay away from lies. We have already seen, however, that in some exceptional cases the Rabbis acknowledged that it was permitted or even recommended to withhold the true facts (see here).

The Rabbis also considered that when a person is faced with an embarrassing situation, he is also allowed to change the story. For example, if a person goes to an hospital to see a doctor or a therapist and he does not want people to know about his or her specific problem, and he meets his neighbor in the hospital, he is allowed to withhold the truth and conceal the real reason for his visit to the hospital.

It is important to remember that all the exceptions we have mentioned so far, i.e., all the cases in which we can depart from the truth, refer to situations where our narrative does not affect, damages or hurts somebody else. If there are two partners, in a business, for example, and one of them made a mistake that somehow affects the company, he can not conceal his mistake from his partner adducing embarrassment.

Similarly, a son or a daughter should not lie to his or her parents (or teachers) in an attempt to avoid embarrassment. Adults are supposed to know (and accept!) that a son or a student might fail or make a mistake. And adults are there to guide and teach him or her to learn from mistakes.

By the way, we see how important is for parents to praise our children when, despite the embarrassment, they dare to tell us the truth. When children find a mature, confident and empathetic adult that helps the child processing his embarrassment in a positive way, learning for the future, in all likelihood, that child will have no reason to hide his mistakes from his parents, and he will be in a better position to avoid repeating them in the future.

RELIGIOUS INTEGRITY: Three Kosher Lies (Part 2 of 2)

Last week we examined two of three cases in which the Rabbis said that one can deviate from the truth. The first one was masekhta, when out of humbleness, one can pretend that he does not know some material so well, even though, one knows it very well. The second case, has to do with tzeni’ut: discretion. In some circumstances, particularly in the field of intimacy, one is authorized (or expected) to hide the whole truth, since talking or discussing openly certain intimate subjects with the wrong people is not viewed as appropriate (see here)

3. USHPIZA: This third category literally means ‘guest’.

Most people think when they hear this exception, that when I’m a guest in someone’s house I’m authorized to lie to my host and praise her food and hospitality, even though it was not that great. However, and without judging the merits of this last interpretation, the case the Talmud was referring to, was explained by Ba’ale haTosafot in a different way.

In the past, people did not have so much food and comfort as we all have today. There were no hotels, and travelers would often look for generous hosts for bed, breakfast and more. Our case means that if I were a guest in someone’s house, and they treated me exceptionally well, if I suspect that by my public praise of their hospitality other travelers–some of whom might not be honest or might behave in an abusive manner–would now try to be hosted in that house, I’m allowed to deviate from the truth and hide the praise for their exceptional treatment, because otherwise everyone will want to come to that house. And I might cause involuntarily a financial damage to them or generate a possible situation of abuse to my generous host. In this and similar circumstances, I’m allowed to hide the identity of my benefactors or belittle their generosity.

As we see, although the truth is a very high and esteemed value in Judaism and the Tora warned us to stay away from lies, sometimes, for humbleness, morality or in order to avoid damage or to save generous people from abuse, the Rabbis permitted us to deviate from the truth.

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