In modern times, we often have more than thirty guests at a wedding. The shushbinim in our days are not the only attendees but the closest friends (the members of his “do-re” in Persian culture) of the groom. The bride also has her shushbinim (or bridesmaids). One of the shushbinim -writes Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan- would be at the groom’s or the bride right hand, and take care of all his or her needs. It could be a friend or a relative of the groom (a brother, a cousin, etc.)  He would act as the groom’s secretary and valet, seeing the details of the wedding. He would often announce the honors at the ceremony and would make sure that the ceremony and dinner run smoothly. In modern terms, we would call this shushbin “the best man”.

The Talmud describes how two thousand years ago brides were made up and perfumed as to enhance their beauty.  The Midrash speaks of twenty-four different adornments with which the bride was beautified. These are the twenty-four bridal adornments mentioned in Isaiah (3:18-24). Everything was done to make the bride look as lovely as possible.

There are no special requirements as to the the style of the wedding gown, except modesty. Today the custom is that the color of the wedding gown is white, which represents purity.  Although in some Chasidic circles the brides would marry in light pastel shades.

Some brides rent a gown and others, who can afford it, buy the dress. In this last case it is a very fine custom to make the gown available to brides who cannot afford it. In many communities there is a registry of such bridal gowns, along with their sizes, so that girls who wish to borrow a gown will have ready access to those available.

In our community and in many other communities many brides choose to donate their gowns to institutions in Israel who make them available to poor brides there. Doing this, is a holy deed on the part of the bride. When such plans are made before the wedding, the merit of this action enhances the merit of the wedding itself.

This form of Tzedaqa, considered a category by itself, is known as hakhnasat kalla: helping a needy bride to get married. It is a very special merit for individuals and for a community to assist a bride  (or a groom) with insufficient means, to get married. According to the shulchan ‘arukh (yore de’a 249:15) hakhnasat kalla, takes precedence over all other types of Tzedaqa.

We explained previously that the general custom today in most Jewish communities is to use a ring for the act of Kiddushin (see here), which will be giving to the bride by the groom.  The general custom is to use a gold ring, since gold is a noble metal, and according to some Rabbis, because gold is a metal associated with the Gan Eden (see Bereshit 2:11), where the first couple lived harmoniously.

In some communities they use a silver ring (Ben Ish Chay), however, Bet Yosef mentions that a silver ring should not be used (Eben haEzer 30). in any case it is important that the true metal out of which the ring is made not be disguised (gold plated, etc). The true value of the ring should be perfectly obvious because the qinyan kiddushin (=the legal procedure of the marriage) is not done with the ring itself but with the monetary value of the ring, and the bride should be able to ascertain the value of the ring at a glance.

For the same reason, it is a long established custom not to to use a ring that has any kind of stone in it. A stone is a blind item whose value is not readily apparent.   Some Rabbis explain that the reason–perhaps, an additional reason, which was mentioned by Keter Shem Tob–for not using a ring with a stone, was so as not to embarrass a poor groom which might not be able to afford a ring with a stone. So every Jewish groom uses a ring which is affordable for everyone else.

It is also customary to use a simple ring without any design, inscriptions or engravings.  An engraving or design can modify the ring value in a way that is not easily ascertainable. In our community although we tell the groom to bring simple ring if involuntarily they bring an engraved ring we still use it normally.

 (Adapted from “Made in Heaven”, by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan)

This qinyan could be done in a different ways. For example, by the groom giving the bride a document (shetar) that states his intention to betroth her in accordance to Jewish Law. Alternatively, it could be done by the groom giving to the bride anything of a minimal value, not necessarily a ring. However, the custom in our days is that the qinyan Kiddushin is performed by giving a ring–the wedding band–to the bride.

There are different traditions regarding the metal used for the band. In some communities they would require to use only a band made of gold, or silver, etc.  In our community we allow any metal. The ring, however, should be plain without any stones or accessories. This is why grooms would refrain from having any inscriptions on the back of the ring, so its value is clear and visible.

If the ring is lost and could not be found, technically, any other ring or anything of a minimal value could be used by the groom to formalize the act of Kiddushin. Provided the object by which the Kiddushin is performed belongs formally to the groom. This is the reason the Rabbi would make sure that the ring belongs to the groom and, for example, he has not yet given it to the bride, etc.

It is only the groom that gives a ring to the bride. In our community we ask the groom to wear his own ring (if he wishes to do so) before the Chupa begins.

Click here to read: “Mayim Bialik, ‘mikve connoisseur'”

In the Talmud Yebamot 63a the Rabbis gave many advices on the issue of shidukhim (=finding your spouse. See here).  One of them is: “nachit chad darga unsib iteta.” Descend one step to find a wife”. What did they mean by that?

I will present two interpretations.

The first, based on Rashi’s commentary, views these ‘steps’ as socio-economic steps and focuses on one aspect of married life: financial differences between husband and wife. A man who himself does not come from a rich family might be tempted to look for a spouse that comes from a wealthy family. What he might overlook is that, generally speaking, a woman’s natural expectation is to upgrade or at least maintain her financial status once she gets married. A woman that as a daughter was raised with luxury, being able to afford not only what she needs but also what she wants, will not easily adapt to a lower lifestyle. Soon the differences might come up. Items that her husband considers them as luxurious extravagances, for her are part of her normal lifestyle or a matter of need. Although people change (and many people easily adjust to lower financial situation) the appreciation of what we have depends in great part on what we used to have.

To avoid this type of financial tensions the rabbis–two thousand years ago–gave this practical advice: when looking for a wife, don’t look one step above you. You might not be able to meet your wife’s material’s expectations.

Instead, they said, “look one step below your own socio-economic level, and take a wife”. That, at least in the material aspect, will be a win/win. Your wife feels that she has upgraded herself financially with you (haisha ‘ola ‘im ba’alah), and a lifestyle that for you is normal and affordable, for her will be a luxury! Everyone is happy.

For a different perspective on this issue READ Financial inequity . Her parents have more money to give. Does that create a problem? by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc. (From Aish.com)

The Rabbis of the Talmud (=chazal) have given a few practical advices on Shidukhim, i.e., looking for the right spouse. The decision should be made based on two factors, which must be in agreement: our emotions and our mind. In other words, if we have feelings toward a person but the mind says that is not a good idea, or if the mind says ‘yes’, but there are negative feelings toward that person,  the Shidukh must be reconsidered.

 

In the area of the mind, one is advised to make sure that the other person has middot tobot, good qualities; comes from a decent family, and that the communication channels and that values and character traits are more or less compatible.  In the Talmud Yerushalmi the rabbis saw favorably to take a bride “from his tribe and (extended) family (i.e., community) lidabbeq beshibto ubmishpachto. (Qiddushin, 4:4) because the cultural and traditional common grounds are obviously greater. Some bad traits should be seen as red flags like: arrogance, greed and a short temper. Those are character flaws which are difficult to correct and one should avoid.

 

In the area of emotions, the rabbis did not to say that we must feel an immediate attraction toward the prospective candidate, on the contrary, that might be a sign of looking superficially at a person. “Falling in love”, and especially, “love at first sight”,  might be a dangerous trap. Because “falling” in love might imply a temporary shutting-off of our mind, indispensable to  make a good decision.    What the Rabbis warned us against  is having an emotional antagonism toward the other person =’rejection at first sight’. If those negative feelings are there, then, one should not proceed.

 

Most couples I know, the first times they met, did not feel an automatic attraction nor an automatic rejection for each other, they were emotionally ‘parve’ . Then, they invested some time for the emotions to be nurtured, as they interacted as a couple in the dating process and got to know each other better.