Do the bride and groom fast on their wedding day?

In many Jewish communities the bride and groom fast on their wedding day, until the Hupa. The reason is that according to the Talmud Yerushalmi (Bikurim 3:3), on the day a person marries, all his sins are forgiven. The wedding day is, in that sense, a personal Yom Kippur, and the fast is the expression of repentance and atonement that such a day calls for.

Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains it this way: with marriage a person begins a new stage of life. Marriage means a complete change of lifestyle, and the couple is given the chance to begin it with a clean soul. The love they feel for each other on their wedding day can undo whatever misdirected passion they may have had in the past. And they also fast looking forward, to merit the Divine guidance that will let them get through whatever problems come.

In Ashkenazic communities this fast is taken very seriously.

THE SEPHARDIC CUSTOM

In most Sephardic communities, by contrast, the custom is not to fast.

Rabbi Obadia Yosef is explicit about this and advises Sephardic couples not to fast. Other Sephardic rabbis go further and forbid it outright. The reason is practical and it is common sense: the bride and groom need to be strong enough to handle the pressure of the day, the ceremony, and the celebration. A groom who has not eaten, after a sleepless night and with all the tension of that day, is in no condition to enjoy his own wedding.

And the underlying argument is the one that interests me most: the process of Teshuba does not depend on fasting. It can be achieved just as well by devoting that important day to Torah study and Tefila.

Rabbi Obadia Yosef adds a suggestion for couples who still want to do something. Instead of a fast from food, he proposes a taanit dibbur, a “fast of words.” Watching what you say that day, not talking too much, not speaking badly of anyone. And he is right that for most of us, that is harder than not eating.

THE VIDUY

In many communities, both Ashkenazic and Sephardic, the bride and groom recite the Viduy, the confession, before the Hupa, using the text of the Minha service of Yom Kippur or something similar.

That is the heart of this custom: not the restriction of food, but the fact that two people stand, each one separately, a few hours before getting married, and take an accounting of their life up to that point. And then walk out and start over.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton



SHUSHBINIM: When your friends paid for the wedding

Everyone knows what a wedding costs. And everyone knows a young couple who pushed off the date because the numbers did not work. It turns out our Sages thought about this, and the solution they built is one of the most ingenious institutions in Judaism. It is called shushbinut, and it survives today shrunk down into something much smaller: the best man.

SHIMSHON’S THIRTY

The word shushbin already appears in Tanakh. When Shimshon married, thirty young men were brought to be the close members of his wedding party (Shofetim 14:11). In Talmudic times the wedding feast was held as a communal meal, and those who took part were called shushbinim.

So far this sounds like an old word for “the groom’s friends.” It was not.

A COMMON FUND AMONG FRIENDS

Maimonides describes it plainly in the Mishne Torah, in the laws of Zekhiya uMatana. The custom in every land, he writes, is that when a man marries, his friends and acquaintances send him money to help him cover the expenses of the wedding. Those same friends who sent the gift then have the right to come and eat and drink with the groom during the week of celebrations. Those who sent the money are called shushbinim.

And here is what changes everything. That money was not a gift. It was a loan with a very particular due date: the day the friend himself would marry.

The groom who received the money is legally obligated to return the same sum when each of his friends’ turn comes. And “legally” means legally: the Talmud (Bava Batra 145a) establishes that shushbinut is a debt collectible in Bet Din. If the friend does not pay up, he can be sued. And there is more: it is one of the few debts the Shemita year does not cancel, because it has not yet come due.

In other words: a group of young friends, none of whom can afford a wedding on his own, builds a revolving fund together. The first to marry receives from everyone. Then he pays back, one at a time, as each of the others marries. Nobody is left out, and nobody has to pay it all at once.

THE RULES OF THE GAME

The Talmud works out the details with a seriousness that is surprising. Rav Kahana lays down the general rule: if the man who owed the shushbinut was in town when his friend married, he should have come. If he was nearby and heard the sound of the drum announcing the wedding, he should have come. If he was far away and did not hear it, the groom should have notified him; and if he did not, the friend has a legitimate grievance… but he still has to pay.

There is one legal consequence of all this that says a great deal. The Mishna (Sanhedrin 3:5) rules that a shushbin is disqualified from testifying in a case involving the groom. Why? Because the relationship is too close. Being someone’s shushbin was a public declaration of deep friendship, with consequences in a court of law.

WHAT IS LEFT OF ALL THIS

Today we have far more than thirty guests at a wedding, and the word shushbin has narrowed down to a single person: the one who stands at the groom’s or the bride’s side, takes care of their needs on the day, announces the honors at the ceremony, and makes sure everything runs smoothly. A brother, a cousin, the closest friend. What in English is called the best man.

What got lost along the way is the most interesting part: that being a shushbin was not a decorative honor but a financial commitment, and that the community had a binding, enforceable mechanism to make sure no couple had to give up on marrying for lack of money.

Sometimes it is worth looking at what our grandparents did before deciding we already know everything.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton



The bridal gown

The Talmud describes how two thousand years ago brides were made up and perfumed as to enhance their beauty.  The Midrash speaks of twenty-four different adornments with which the bride was beautified. These are the twenty-four bridal adornments mentioned in Isaiah (3:18-24). Everything was done to make the bride look as lovely as possible.
There are no special requirements as to the the style of the wedding gown, except modesty. Today the custom is that the color of the wedding gown is white, which represents purity.  Although in some Chasidic circles the brides would marry in light pastel shades.
What should a bride do with her gown after the wedding? 
Some brides rent a gown and others, who can afford it, buy the dress. In this last case it is a very fine custom to make the gown available to brides who cannot afford it. In many communities there is a registry of such bridal gowns, along with their sizes, so that girls who wish to borrow a gown will have ready access to those available.
In our community and in many other communities many brides choose to donate their gowns to institutions in Israel who make them available to poor brides there. Doing this, is a holy deed on the part of the bride. When such plans are made before the wedding, the merit of this action enhances the merit of the wedding itself.
This form of Tzedaqa, considered a category by itself, is known as hakhnasat kalla: helping a needy bride to get married. It is a very special merit for individuals and for a community to assist a bride  (or a groom) with insufficient means, to get married. According to the shulchan ‘arukh (yore de’a 249:15) hakhnasat kalla, takes precedence over all other types of Tzedaqa.


THE RING: Why plain, why gold, and why no stones?

At a Jewish wedding, the moment the groom hands the ring to the bride is not a romantic gesture or a formality. It is the legal act that creates the marriage. Everything else — the Ketuba, the blessings, the party — comes afterward. That is why Jewish law has so much to say about that ring: what it should be made of, what it should look like, and who it has to belong to.

WHY A RING?

The first thing to understand is that the ring is not required. The Torah never mentions it. Qiddushin is performed by giving the bride something of monetary value, and the minimum the law demands is one peruta, the smallest coin in circulation in Talmudic times. The amount is deliberately tiny, so that no man would be prevented from marrying for lack of money.

So the ring is a custom, not an obligation. A very old custom: Tosafot (Kiddushin 9a) suggests that a ring may already have been used for this purpose in biblical times. And it was never universal. Some Syrian and Iraqi communities used a silver coin instead of a ring, and the Syrian Jewish community of New York still does. In Georgia the custom was to place the ring inside a cup.

Why did the ring win out? For a very simple reason: a ring is worn all the time. It is a permanent reminder of the commitment, unlike a coin, which ends up in a drawer.

There is an image here I find beautiful. Our Sages compared the covenant between God and Israel to a marriage. And every morning, when a Jew puts on Tefillin, he winds the strap around his middle finger and says ve’erastikh li le’olam, “I will betroth you to Me forever.” The same gesture, on the same finger, meaning the same thing.

GOLD, SILVER, AND NO STONES

The common custom is a gold ring. But there is a rule far more important than the material, and it explains everything else: the value of the ring has to be obvious at a glance.

The reason is legal, not aesthetic. Qiddushin is not performed with the ring as an object but with its monetary value. For the act to be valid, the bride must be able to know, at the moment she receives it, what it is she is receiving. Three practical consequences follow:

1. The metal cannot be disguised. No gold-plated rings that are really made of something else. What it looks like has to be what it is.

2. No stones. This is the best-known rule and the one that surprises brides most. A stone is a “blind” object: you cannot determine its value by looking at it. A diamond might be worth a hundred dollars or a hundred thousand, and no one can tell just by seeing it. So the qiddushin ring is plain.

3. No engravings or designs. For the same reason: an inscription or fine metalwork can change the value of the ring in ways that are not easy to calculate.

Some add another reason for avoiding a stone, and it is a very Jewish one: so as not to embarrass the groom who cannot afford one. If everyone uses a plain ring, nobody is exposed. It is the same principle behind recording a uniform sum in every Ketuba, without distinguishing between brides from wealthy families and brides who are not.

One practical clarification. In my community we ask couples to bring a plain ring, but if by mistake they bring an engraved one, we use it without any problem.

THE RING HAS TO BELONG TO THE GROOM

You cannot give as qiddushin something that does not belong to you. That is why the officiating rabbi normally asks the groom, in front of everyone, whom the ring belongs to. It is not an empty formality: he is verifying that the ring is in fact the groom’s, and that he has not already given it to the bride before the ceremony. If the ring was already hers, there is nothing to hand over, and there is no qiddushin.

ONE MORE REASON

There is an additional explanation, brought by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, for why a ring was chosen and not some other object. In the Torah, handing over a ring is the gesture of transferring authority. Pharaoh gave his ring to Yosef. Ahashverosh gave his to Haman, and later to Esther. In each case the king was delegating his power over the kingdom.

When a man gives a ring to his wife, he is symbolically doing the same thing: giving her authority over his home and over everything he owns. From that moment on, everything in their lives is shared.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton



CHUPA: The wedding ring

Once the Rabbi who presides the wedding (Mesadder Kiddushin) pronounces the first two blessings (see here), the ceremony of Kiddushin (=consecration) takes place.  The consecration of the bride is done by the means of a qinyan (a legal process) by which the bride and the groom are officially engaged.

This qinyan could be done in a different ways. For example, by the groom giving the bride a document (shetar) that states his intention to betroth her in accordance to Jewish Law. Alternatively, it could be done by the groom giving to the bride anything of a minimal value, not necessarily a ring. However, the custom in our days is that the qinyan Kiddushin is performed by giving a ring–the wedding band–to the bride.
There are different traditions regarding the metal used for the band. In some communities they would require to use only a band made of gold, or silver, etc.  In our community we allow any metal. The ring, however, should be plain without any stones or accessories. This is why grooms would refrain from having any inscriptions on the back of the ring, so its value is clear and visible.
If the ring is lost and could not be found, technically, any other ring or anything of a minimal value could be used by the groom to formalize the act of Kiddushin. Provided the object by which the Kiddushin is performed belongs formally to the groom. This is the reason the Rabbi would make sure that the ring belongs to the groom and, for example, he has not yet given it to the bride, etc.
It is only the groom that gives a ring to the bride. In our community we ask the groom to wear his own ring (if he wishes to do so) before the Chupa begins.
Click here to read: “Mayim Bialik, ‘mikve connoisseur'”
The ‘Big Bang Theory’ star speaks frankly about her frumkeit 
From Times of Israel


One step down

 

In the Talmud Yebamot 63a the Rabbis gave many advices on the issue of shidukhim (=finding your spouse. See here).  One of them is: “nachit chad darga unsib iteta.” Descend one step to find a wife”. What did they mean by that?
I will present two interpretations.
The first, based on Rashi’s commentary, views these ‘steps’ as socio-economic steps and focuses on one aspect of married life: financial differences between husband and wife. A man who himself does not come from a rich family might be tempted to look for a spouse that comes from a wealthy family. What he might overlook is that, generally speaking, a woman’s natural expectation is to upgrade or at least maintain her financial status once she gets married. A woman that as a daughter was raised with luxury, being able to afford not only what she needs but also what she wants, will not easily adapt to a lower lifestyle. Soon the differences might come up. Items that her husband considers them as luxurious extravagances, for her are part of her normal lifestyle or a matter of need. Although people change (and many people easily adjust to lower financial situation) the appreciation of what we have depends in great part on what we used to have.
To avoid this type of financial tensions the rabbis–two thousand years ago–gave this practical advice: when looking for a wife, don’t look one step above you. You might not be able to meet your wife’s material’s expectations.
Instead, they said, “look one step below your own socio-economic level, and take a wife”. That, at least in the material aspect, will be a win/win. Your wife feels that she has upgraded herself financially with you (haisha ‘ola ‘im ba’alah), and a lifestyle that for you is normal and affordable, for her will be a luxury! Everyone is happy.
 
For a different perspective on this issue READ Financial inequity . Her parents have more money to give. Does that create a problem? by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc. (From Aish.com)


Rabbinical Advice on Shidukhim

In the matter of Shidukhim –finding the future spouse– the Shulchan Arukh (eben ha’ezer 2:2) writes that one should be mindful of certain red flags in the family of the prospective candidates.
1. It mentions that it is not a good sign if a family is always fighting within themselves or with another family. One should look for a spouse that comes from a peace-loving family.  
2. It says that if a family is always trying to delegitimize other families is suspicious of being of an illegitimate ancestry (pesulim).  As a rule, our Rabbis asserted that when one is overly critical of others in one specific area, it is probably due to  his own guilt or remorse feelings in that specific area. For example, if someone is obsessively looking to prove that other people are stealing, it is possible that he himself is guilty of it.  The rabbis described this behavior with four words: kol hapoesel bemumo posel, “When someone [arbitrarily] criticize others, he is projecting his own flaws”.  In our case then, if a family has an obsession for legitimacy, it is possible that they lack legitimacy.  (This pattern of behavior extends beyond the matter of ‘legitimacy’)
3. Furthermore, the Shulchan Arukh identifies the genetic setup of a Jewish person with the following words: Jews are innately compassionate, shy, and actively kind (rachmanim, bayshanim, gomle chasadim). So ingrained are these character traits in a Jew that the Rabbis declared that whoever acts with cruelty towards others, or does not show sensitivity toward other’s suffering or does not have a minimal dose of decency or displays a shameless behavior, might not be of a Jewish ascendence. 
Back to Shidukhim, the more identifiable these three virtues are in a candidate, the stronger the case for considering him or her a suitable partner, and vice versa. 
I dedicate today’s HOTD to my son Abraham, who yesterday became a Paratrooper (tzanchan) in the IDF. (See here a clip of the Paratroopers ceremony in the Kotel). 


Rabbis and Shidukhim (finding your spouse)

The Rabbis of the Talmud (=chazal) have given a few practical advices on Shidukhim, i.e., looking for the right spouse. The decision should be made based on two factors, which must be in agreement: our emotions and our mind. In other words, if we have feelings toward a person but the mind says that is not a good idea, or if the mind says ‘yes’, but there are negative feelings toward that person,  the Shidukh must be reconsidered.
 
In the area of the mind, one is advised to make sure that the other person has middot tobot, good qualities; comes from a decent family, and that the communication channels and that values and character traits are more or less compatible.  In the Talmud Yerushalmi the rabbis saw favorably to take a bride “from his tribe and (extended) family (i.e., community) lidabbeq beshibto ubmishpachto. (Qiddushin, 4:4) because the cultural and traditional common grounds are obviously greater. Some bad traits should be seen as red flags like: arrogance, greed and a short temper. Those are character flaws which are difficult to correct and one should avoid.
 
In the area of emotions, the rabbis did not to say that we must feel an immediate attraction toward the prospective candidate, on the contrary, that might be a sign of looking superficially at a person. “Falling in love”, and especially, “love at first sight”,  might be a dangerous trap. Because “falling” in love might imply a temporary shutting-off of our mind, indispensable to  make a good decision.    What the Rabbis warned us against  is having an emotional antagonism toward the other person =’rejection at first sight’. If those negative feelings are there, then, one should not proceed.
 
Most couples I know, the first times they met, did not feel an automatic attraction nor an automatic rejection for each other, they were emotionally ‘parve’ . Then, they invested some time for the emotions to be nurtured, as they interacted as a couple in the dating process and got to know each other better.
 


Dating and Lashon haRa

 

Lashon haRa, i.e, telling something negative about somebody else, is one of the most serious prohibitions in our Tora and its effects could be devastating. Yet, there are a few instances in which we are allowed or even required to speak up to and reveal certain negative information to prevent someone else’s damage, for example, in the world of business (see here ). 
In the area of Shiddukhim (=dating) Lashon haRa might cause tremendous and long-lasting damage in the emotional and psychological life of the victims. I know many engagements which were tragically broken, because of Lashon haRa; people –friends, relatives–made negative comments about the bride or the groom, innocently or sometimes deliberately, out of jealousy or resentment. 
Still, there might be some ‘negative’  information about the bride and the groom that we know, and we believe it should be known to the other party. Should we disclose that information? 
I will summarize the matter of Lashon haRa and Shiddukhim, with the following two basic rules:
1. If you have first-hand information of a ‘serious/objective’ matter that affects the bride or groom, you can (or sometimes ‘you should’) reveal this information to the potential partner. For example, a major issue in the past, like a previous marriage; a life threatening disease, a serious mental problem, etc.  However, in other ‘subjective’ areas–where you apply your judgment more than your knowledge of certain facts, like ‘compatibility’, character, rumors, etc. you should not interfere. Different personalities might complement each other and make for beautiful marriages.
2. FOR ALL CASES, and before you say one word, PLEASE, always seek the advice of an experienced Rabbi or an expert counselor, to help you assessing if the information you have, it is indeed a ‘serious/objective’ matter which deserves to be disclosed, or if it pertains to your own subjective judgment, and therefore you need to let the bride, the groom and their families, to decide by themselvesif and when they want to reveal it.  A good advisor will also help you decide when and how to reveal the information, as well as verify if this information has been already disclosed, and you did not know about it. 
 
 
READ: “Full disclosure”. Dating advice from Aish.com


Minhaguim of Sheba Berakhot

Today is the 21 of Sivan, 5771

As we have explained last week (see HERE), part of the celebration of the seven days of celebration after the wedding is the recitation of the Sheba Berakhot (seven blessings).

These blessings are recited only when a few conditions are met:

According to the Sephardic custom in Israel (Rabbi O. Yosef)

1.There must be ten adult males present (the chatan is considered one of them)

2.The meal has to take place in the residence of the bride and groom (bet chatanim)

3. There must be at least two new guest (panim chadashot).

When one of these conditions is not met, then if at least three adult male are partaking of the formal meal, they recite just the last berakha (ashe bara…)

The custom in the Mashadi community is the same except that the sheba berakhot are recited, regardless of where the meal is taking place (Rabbi Ben Hayim).

The Ashkenazi custom also allows to recite the sheba berakhot even if the meal does not take place in the residence of the new couple, and even if just one new guest, not two is present (Rabbi Knohl).

When the Sheba Berakhot are recited, the custom is to have two cups of wine: with the first cup, one says Birkat haMazon and at the end of the Sheba Berakhot, he himself says “bore peri hagefen”. With the second cup, they say the other six berakhot. After bore peri hagefen, the wine of the two cups is mixed and given to the bride and the groom (R. O. Yosef)

When only the berakha Asher Bara is recited, the custom is to say first bore peri hagefen and then asher bara.

 

Click HERE to watch “Four Ways to Marry the Wrong Person”