HONORING PARENTS and other relatives.

Today is the 12th day of Shebat , 5771

The Mitzva of honoring parents extends to other relatives. The main difference between our parents and any other relatives is that toward our parents we have two obligations:
1. Honor and 2. Obedience/respect of their authority (mora). While toward other relatives is limited to honoring.
1. One should honor his older siblings. For example, it is customary that a younger brother or sister will stand up when the older brother goes (‘ole) to the Torah, etc.
2. In our community grandchildren stand up for their grandparents when they go to the Torah. They would also kiss their grandparents hands when they come down from an ‘alia, as a sign of love and honor, and after Friday night’s Kiddush. Grandparents are also honored in special occasions, like being the Sandak in a Berit Mila, etc.
3. Honoring also applies to one’s in-Laws. We learn this from David haMelekh who called King Shaul : ‘My father’ (Shmuel I, 24, 11. David was married to Shaul’s daughter, Mikhal) that one should honor his father and mother in-Law as one honors his own parents. This rules applies even if one’s father or mother in-Law are of a young age. The son/daughter in law should stand up for them, etc. In Sephardic communities it is also customary not calling in-Laws by their first name, but addressing them with the honor one addresses an important person. Or calling them ‘father’ / ‘mother’ as one does with his own parents.
(Yalkut Yosef, Kibbud Ab vaEm, bet. 496-515)



Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024



Balanced parenting

Today is the 5th day of Shebat , 5771

Honoring parents is one of the most important Mitzvot of the Torah.
Children are commanded to respect, obey and honor their parents.
From the other side, parents are advised to inspire their children to respect and care of them, behaving toward them in an honorable and affectionate way. Parents are expected to build a relationship with their children balancing ‘authority’ with ‘love’. When one of these two elements is not there, the relationship will turn into a dysfunctional one.
The rabbis offered some guidelines and examples on how to maintain this delicate balance.
A parent should not be extremely demanding with his children, imposing on them duties they won’t be able to perform. Because in this way his children will be involuntarily forced to transgress the Mitzvah of respecting and obeying one’s parents.
A parent is also advised to inspire respect (yir-ah) without imposing fear (pachad) in his home. Unlike respect-balanced-with-love, fear is recognized when a son or a daughter would be terrified to tell his or her parent about a mistake he or she made. If a son does not feel comfortable talking to his parents about a mistake he made, the possibility of a healthy dialogue is compromised. The Rabbis explain that ‘respect’ based on intimidation is a formula for long-term serious problems within the family. (The same is true for husband and wife).
(From Yalkut Yosef, Kibbud Ab vaEm, Bet, 317-325)

RECOMMENDED BOOK ON JEWISH PARENTING


The Delicate Balance
Love and Authority in Torah Parenting by Sarah Chana Radcliffe

This timeless parenting book, now back in print by a popular author, educator, and parenting expert, shows us how to win the whining war the Jewish way. Exploring a complete range of parenting strategies including the details of conveying love, building trust, and developing effective disciplinary skills, it presents explicit parenting scenarios with “right way” and “wrong way” dialogues to illustrate essential parenting skills and their consequences.
(See www.targum.com or your local Jewish bookstore)

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024



HONORING PARENTS After they pass away

Today is the 27th day of Tebet, 5771

Honoring parents is a Mitzva that extends after our parents pass away. The Laws of Abelut (mourning) are stricter for parents that for any other relatives. There is a natural reason for it: unlike any other family member (spouse, children, brothers) we can only have one father and one mother. But the main reason is that this is part of honoring our parents after they are deceased.

From Me’am Lo’ez: “A person must honor his parents even after they are dead. if he mentions them or says something in their name during the first twelve months after their death he should add: hareni kaparat mishkabo (‘I’m the atonement for their resting place’). Indicating his readiness to accept any retribution destined to be meted out to the parent. After the twelve moths are over one should say: zikhrono librakha lechaye ha’olam habba “May his or her memory be for a blessing in life in the future world”. One should do this when mentioning his parents in speech or in writing”.

More examples:

When we do the keri’a -tearing apart our clothing in sign of mourning- for any other relative we cut our right side. But for our parents we cut on our left side, specifically because that is the side of the heart.

For our parents we keep 12 months of full mourning, while for every other relative we mourn for 30 days.

When a holiday cancels out the mourning, one can shave even before 30 days are over. Except for our parents that the 30 days have to be actually counted before shaving.

Read about the book Me’am Lo’ez in Wikipedia (notice that the author’s name have been mistransliterated: It is Ya’akob “KHOLI”). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meam_Loez

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024



Senile parents, a case study from the Talmud

The rabbis of the Talmud addressed the question of honoring one’s parents when they are senile or mentally disabled.

They examine a case of a famous rabbi, Rab Asi, who lived with his elderly senile mother. He took very good care of her and did whatever he could to please her, honor her and not to contradict her. The Talmud illustrates his mother’s erratic behavior: and Rab Asi’s reaction: one day she asked him for jewelry and he brought her some. Another day she ask him to look for a husband for her. Trying to appease her, he told her, he will look for one… The situation got to a point where her requests were increasingly eccentric and her behavior turn more violent. Rab Asithen decided to leave her.

The Rabbis first explained that Rab Asi did not abandon her but left her with a kind person whom he hired to take care of his mother.

The rabbis explain that Rab Asi believed that otherwise, in those circumstances, he will be forced to disrespect his mother and perhaps be coerced to physically restrain her.

They also explained that, for some reason, Rab Asi’s mother’s behavior would turn more aggressive in his presence but with somebody else she will be calmer.

Based on this precedents the rabbis conclude that in certain circumstances the son or daughter might leave his elder parents under the care of another individual.

Obviously, each case is completely different from the other and must be addressed specifically. I strongly advice that in no circumstances children will make this kind of decisions based just on intuition. Rather, they should consult with a social worker and with a Rabbi to determine what is the best thing one can do for his or her parents.

Mr. Jack Ezrahian sent me this beautiful video clip in Farsi.

For those who do not understand Farsi: The father asks a few times: ‘what is that?’ The son answers “Gonjeshk” a bird. After a few times repeating the same question, the son gets very angry at the father and yells at him “I told you, it is just a bird, nothing else!”
The father goes and comes back with his diary and asks his son to read one of the pages in a loud voice. The son reads: “My son is almost 3 years old and we went to the park. My son asked me 21 times ‘what is that?’ And I answered him each time “Gonjeshk” with patience. And each time he asked the question again,I hugged him and answered him back, because I love my son so much”.

The end does not require translation…

 



Disobeying parents for their own good

Today is the 13th day of Tebet, 5771

Honoring our parents includes obeying them and pleasing their wishes, especially when dealing with something they wish for their own benefit.

But, what if the parents ask their son or daughter something which will be detrimental for them? For example: What should a son do if his father asks him to bring for him liquor, and the son knows the father will become intoxicated. Does the son still needs to obey his dad and bring the liquor, following blindly his father’s order or should he refuse the order?

Most rabbis agree that in this case the son should refuse to buy or get the liquor for his father, but he should do so with utmost respect, trying to dissuade his father reasoning with him. The son is not allowed to fight, yell at or disrespect his father in any way, even when the son is right.
The rabbis bring a few other common cases. If the parent is diabetic and asks his son to bring him a sweet food or when a father ask his son or daughter to bring cigarettes or anything that would cause a ‘significant’ damage to the father’s or mother’s health, i.e. anything the physician will forbid them to have.

The rabbis agree that the son or daughter should refuse the order, but they insist that in all these cases, it is critical to maintain a respectful approach and avoid, God forbid, to offend or humiliate one’s parents while trying to protect them from harm. (Yalkut Yosef, Kibbud Ab va-Em, Bet, 46-60)

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024



Sephardic customs

6th day of Tebet, 5771

Kiddush and Aliya la-Tora

In most Sephardic families, children pay a special tribute to their grandparents and parents on the occasion of the Kiddush. The children would come to be blessed by their father and mother on Friday night, even when they are older. The parents or grandparents blesses the child with the Priestly benediction (yebarekhekha haShem veYishmerekha… Many parents would also say: yesimekha/yesimekh Elokim ) and any additional prayer that he wants to offer to see his desires for his child fulfilled. Immediately after that, the children will kiss the hand of the grandparents and parents as a signal of filial love and devotion.

When a grandparent or father is called for a Aliya la Torah, all the members of the family will rise at their seats in the synagogue in order to express respect for their elder. This recognition is accorded by children, younger brothers, and sometimes nephews of the elder, who has been called to the Sefer Torah. As he returns to his seat, his grandchildren and children express their reverence for him kissing the back of his hand.

When an older patriarch of the community is called to the Torah it is not uncommon to find dozens of people rising in his honor. This is a major symbolic public expression of the deep and abiding respect for family which has preserved the ‘congregational family’ as well.

(Adapted from ‘A treasury of Sephardic Laws and Customs’ by Rabbi H. Dobrinsky)

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024



The reward for honoring one’s parents

15th day of Kislev, 5771

Honoring one’s parents refers mainly to our behavior toward our parents when they are old.

When a son/daughter is serving or assisting his parents he should do so with happiness and a positive body language. If a son or a daughter helps his parents making them feel that they are a burden, untold emotional pain is generated for the parents, especially when they depend exclusively on this son or daughter.
The Rabbis explained that we should talk to our parents softly, using nice words and with the respect one owes to a higher authority.
When the parents come to visit one’s home, they should be welcomed with love, and honor and the son or daughter should be mindful to teach their children to honor and respect their grandparents.
Once I heard a beautiful explanation on the 5th of the 10 commandments: the Tora says: “Honor your parents lemaan yaarikhun yamekha“, which is usually translated as: “Honor your parents so you will merit long days on earth…”
The alternative reading is: so will you merit when you’ve lived long days on earth“. In other words: Honor your parents and you will merit to be honored when you grow old, because your children will honor you the way you have honored your parents.
In my experience as a rabbi I learned that this is a rule with almost no exceptions: when we grow old, we will be treated by our children they same way they SAW we treated and honored our own parents.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024



Financial support to one’s parents

8th of Kislev, 5771

The Mitzva of honoring ones’ parents consists of assisting one’s parents and devoting to them part of our time and our physical effort. As we mentioned before (http://rabbibitton.blogspot.com/2010/10/kibbud-horim-how-to-honor-our-parents.html), this Mitzva applies mainly when our parents are older and need our help.

The Talmud (Kiddushin 32) asserts that children are not obligated to support their parents financially when the parents have the means to support themselves.

However, when the parents cannot work because they are too old, and they don’t have the means to support themselves, and the children have the means to do so, it is a Mitzva to support one’s parents financially and provide them with food, clothing, shelter, and to provide them at least with the minimum necessary for a livelihood with dignity.

It is imperative for a child who is providing support to his parents, to do so in the most honorable way possible.

The obligation to support parents in these circumstances, must be divided amongst the children based upon each one’s ability.

If the parents have the means to support themselves but they don’t want to spend from their own assets and/or they choose to live in a very low standard of living, then the children are not obligatedto provide additional financial assistance to their parents. The children, however, should not discouragetheir parents from spending more to improve their own standard of living.

For a interesting article comparing Jewish Law and American Law in assisting one’s
parents, click here http://www.yousendit.com/download/dklvN3RUY1NVVGxFQlE9PQ

INVITE A FRIEND. SEND AN EMAIL TO: HALAKHAOFTHEDAY@GMAIL.COM

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024



How NOT to honor our parents

24th of Cheshvan, 5771

Actions and attitudes

Keeping our parent’s dignity while performing the Mitzvah of Honoring our parents, is learned from a passage in the Jerusalem Talmud, which states that it is possible to feed one’s parents succulent hens and still be considered a wicked son, while it is also possible to force one’s parent work on a grindstone and be considered a righteous son.

The Talmud illustrates these two cases with two real stories:

First case, a son gave his father succulent luxurious food, but when the father asked where the food came from, the son answered “Quiet, old man. A dog eats quietly, so you should eat quietly.” This son, the Talmud says ‘inherits hell’.
The second case involved a son who worked at the grindstone for his father. One day, the King summoned grindstone workers to the palace to endure back-breaking work. The King expected one worker per family. The son decided to tell his fatherto take his place at the family’s grindstone and to work, so that the father would not suffer or be treated in an undignified manner before the king. The son goes to do back-breaking work for the King instead of his father. This son, the Talmud says, ‘inherits paradise’.

Many times honoring our parents depends mainly on our attitude.

When we take care of our parents, we should do our best so they should never feel they are a burden for us. They should never feel humiliated while we attend their needs.

Adapted from The Jewish Encyclopedia of Moral and Ethical Issues (Rabbi Amsel)


Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024



How to honor our parents?

17th of Cheshvan, 5771

‘Honor your father and your mother… ” (Shemot 20.12)

This is the Fifth of the 10 Commandments.

It is the first of the 10 Commandments that deals with our responsibilities toward others.

Unlike ‘respecting’ parents (‘to obey them’, see previous HOTD) this commandment is primarily directed to adults – not to children.

Honoring parents refers to the care and attention we should provide our parents when they are old and need our assistance. Normally, this commandment takes place after the children become husbands, wives and parents themselves and their parents become dependents.

The rabbis explain that this Mitzva consists in helping and assisting one’s parents in practical ways, as much as we can.

If they are sick or weak and need help to eat, we should feed them. If they need help to get dress, or to clean themselves, or to walk, or to go to the doctor, etc., we should assist them.

Think about it: feeding, getting dress, walking, going to the doctor: those are precisely the things our parents did for us when we were children.

Now, when they depend on us, God Almighty commands us to take care of them and help them. It is very important to remember that Kabod means ‘dignity’. Thus, this Mitzvah means to dignify one’s father and mother, to keep their dignity. Therefore, when assisting the parents one should be very careful and mindful to preserve their dignity and never become what the Talmud critically calls ‘a parent to his own parents’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How did Rabbi Tarfon honor his elderly mother? [http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?llr=jp7o69dab&et=1103827239583&s=705&e=001ZUpcO4R0wYkj6062GsVDNWDJ2LCn32cQ2hzrRXbz71mThK-GdxDwNGVqBw0CtzHKCKLcQ3m44HKWMTKFApBr0M0mJQWVIu3FmKzBPjTWDodUStbtCGjHoiSfFB3CWbvRuH67CflEEB_xmEBrKdT4IAKtlyZu21zH

DJ2LCn32cQ2hzrRXbz71mThKGdxDwNGVqBw0CtzHKCKLcQ3m44HKWMTK

FApBr0M0mJQWVIu3FmKzBPjTWDodUStbtCGjHoiSfFB3CWbvRuH67CflEE

B_xmEBrKdT4IAKtlyZu21zH]

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024