Forgiving Those Who Won’t Say Sorry
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The best way to do Kapparot
In many communities, there is a Minhag of doing Kapparot in the eve of Yom Kippur, what is the best way to do the Kapparot, slaughtering a chicken or with money for charity?
First of all, we need to clarify that there is no Mitsva in the Tora to perform the Kapparot or any kind of animal sacrifice on the eve of Yom Kippur. In the days after the Bet HaMiqdash, as Maimonides explains, “en sham el-la teshuba,” there is nothing else but Teshuba to atone for our sins. Teshuba is a serious mental and emotional process of retrospection, which consists of the admission and confession of our flaws and bad habits, ultimately leading us to improve our behavior.
Kapparot is a practice that was initiated by the common people—not by the rabbis—at the time of the Geonim (800-1000 CE). The Kappara made with a live animal is supposed to help inspire our Teshuba. By witnessing the Shehita (slaughtering) of the chicken, we realize the extreme fragility of our lives, prompting us to do Teshuba and reflect on our own mortality. This is, by the way, the frequent explanation for the effect that the qorban, in the times of the Bet haMiqdash, had on the sinner’s consciousness.
However, soon after the custom of Kapparot became more popular, some prominent Rabbis like Ramban (Nahmanides) raised their voices against this practice. Maran Rabbi Yosef Caro (1488-1575), the author of the Shulhan Arukh, the supreme Code of Law for all Jews, explicitly disapproved of the practice of Kapparot with chickens on the eve of Yom Kippur, and he used very harsh terms. In the first edition of the Shulhan ‘Arukh (Venice 1565), it is written in the title of siman 605, where Rabbi Yosef Caro discusses Kapparot: מנהג כפרות בערב יום כפור מנהג של שטות הוא. “The custom of Kapparot on the eve of Yom Kippur is a foolish custom.” In later editions, the editors erased the last line (see the original edition of the Shulhan ‘Arukh here).
Why such opposition to the Kapparot?
First, as Nahmanides said: mishum darke haemori—”because it is similar to the practice of idol worshipers.” (Even today, many cults like Macumba, Vodoo, etc., use a small chicken as a sacrifice to their deities. You can Google, for example, “Eshu” or “Elleggua,” major idol-warriors of Santeria, who must be worshipped by sacrificing a small chicken).
Second, the fact that the Kappara performance resembles the Korbanot performance made many rabbis very concerned because slaughtering an animal as a sacrifice outside the Bet haMiqdash (haqrabat hutz) is a serious Biblical transgression. For this reason, many rabbis in the past forbade the consumption of the chicken that was slaughtered in this fashion (or intention) of a qorban. The Rishba, while still opposed to Kapparot with chickens, allowed eating the chicken, which was usually given to the poor, because it is not one of the animals that were offered as sacrifices in the Bet haMiqdash.
Third, since so many people want to do Kapparot on the eve of Yom Kippur, the Shehita might not be done with enough care and attention in terms of checking the knives and other ritual details. This is the point brought by Rabbi Obadia Yosef z”l (who in the past supported the Kapparot) to favor the performance of Kapparot with Tsedaqa (see this).
There is yet another problem, which should be of great concern when considering doing chicken Kapparot. Because of the great demand and the short time to slaughter so many animals, the chickens are too often mistreated in the process, left for days in cages without food or water. This is a serious transgression of an explicit Biblical prohibition instructing us to treat animals with respect and avoid unnecessary suffering (tsa’ar ba’ale hayim). The new Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi of Israel, Rabbi David Lau, addressed this issue last year (see here).
Lastly, if the person who does the Kappara would give the slaughtered chicken directly to a poor person, as was done in the past, then we could view this Kappara as a form of Tsedaqa. But people who perform the Kapparot often take seriously the idea of transferring their sins into the chicken, and therefore, neither they nor needy people would eat those chickens “full of sins.” Many of these chickens are not eaten but wasted. If one kills an animal unnecessarily (not to be eaten), one transgresses another explicit Biblical prohibition: bal tashchit, i.e., unnecessary waste of the blessings, in this case, an animal’s life, that God granted us.
In conclusion, the best way to do Kapparot is by giving Tsedaqa (charity for needy people). In this case, none of the above-mentioned problems would apply, and in addition, before Yom Kippur begins, you will be fulfilling the beautiful Biblical commandment of charity. This is a Mitsva with no negative side effects. On the contrary, Tsedaqa was regarded as the most important Mitsvat ‘ase, as Maimonides writes: “We have to care about the Mitsva of Tsedaqa more than [we care about] any other positive commandment” (MT, Matanot ‘Aniyim 10:1). Tsedaqa brings great zekhut (merit) to the giver and great relief to the recipient—וצדקה תציל ממות.
See this video where Rabbi Shelomo Aviner, Rosh Yeshibat Ateret Cohanim, explains the ways of doing Kapparot and mentions, among other things, that Rabbi Kaddouri z”l and Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach z”l did Kapparot with Tsedaqa instead of chicken (here).
See this video where rabbi Shelomo Aviner, Rosh Yeshibat Ateret Cohanim explains the ways of doing kapparot and mentions, among other things, that rabbi Kaddouri z”l and Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach z”l made kapparot with Tsedaqa instead of chicken.
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Leather shoes on Yom Kippur
Written in 2015
Wearing leather shoes on Yom Kippur – is it a Minhag or a strict Jewish law?
Wearing leather shoes is one of the five prohibitions of Yom Kippur. Just as a reminder, the five prohibitions are: (1) Eating and drinking, (2) washing or (3) anointing the body, (4) having marital relations, and (5) wearing leather shoes. Wearing leather footwear is a strict prohibition connected to the verse in Vayikra 23:27 “On the 10th of Tishri you shall deprive yourself”, which means refraining from the most basic physical needs, comforts, or pleasures for a day. And not wearing leather shoes is one of these prohibitions. The Torah did not command us to be barefoot but just to avoid wearing shoes made of leather. This prohibition is the same for men and women. Moreover, unlike other Yom Kippur’s prohibitions, such as fasting, the prohibition of wearing leather shoes should also be taught to children, even when they are still not at the age of fasting.
If it is such an important issue, why do so many people in our community not know about it?
The Jews in Iran, or at certain times in Syria or Morocco, did not live in open and respectful societies. Jews were, in the best case, tolerated by the local population, and they had to be very discreet in what they did. It is often difficult to determine if a specific element or behavior concerning religious customs is a Minhag or a consequence of living under entirely different circumstances. For example, I had previously wondered why my grandmother, who came from a very traditional family in Syria, did not know about Tebilat Kelim (immersing the utensils in the Mikveh before using them). And I remember that when I asked her this question, she resented it, implying that if Tebilat Kelim had been such an important Mitzvah, she should have known about it. She hinted that I was trying to bring a new Minhag or new Mitzvot, etc. Later on, I discovered that in Damascus, some Jews were so poor that they never got to buy new utensils or tableware in their lifetime. They used what they had inherited from their parents, so there was never an opportunity for them to practice Tebilat Kelim. It was not because they did not know about it, but because they did not have to. Since then, I have become more cautious when classifying certain traditions. Sometimes it is a real Minhag that should be kept, and sometimes, our grandparents did not do certain things in the past because of living in a different scenario. Mr. Nassim Bassalian told me that in Iran and in many other Muslim countries, snickers or other fabric shoes were not available many years ago, and even when available, it did not look good for a respectable person to be walking with those fabric shoes. I also heard that on Tisha beAb and Yom Kippur, many people wear leather shoes to walk to Kanissah. Then, at Kanissah, they would leave the shoes outside and be inside the Synagogue barefoot, stepping on comfortable carpets. Mr. Nassim Bassalian told me that a few people in Teheran wore slippers or even socks, but most people did not know the importance of it.
Our circumstances today, BH, are entirely different:
1. We live in total freedom to practice our religion openly.
2. Snickers, of all footwear, are the most common, popular, and accessible footwear.
VIDEO: Yom Kippur for Kids (part 2)
Fasting in Yom Kippur.
Tefila of Yom Kippur.
Who should fast and who should not?
Children and fasting.
Wearing non-leather shoes.
VIP: What should we learn from the story of Yona?
VIDEO: Yom Kippur for Kids (Part 1)
What is Teshuba and what are the steps that we should follow?
Learning to apologize.
There is nothing wrong with saying, “I was wrong”.
The power of forgiving others.
What should we do every night before we go to sleep?
SELIHOT and the secret of the 13 attributes
The core of the Selihot prayer we recite before and during Yom Kippur is the Biblical text ‘Amonay, Amonay, E-l Rahum veHanun….”. These words are known as the 13 attributes of God’s compassion.
Maimonides explains that by attributes, we should not understand that these are qualities of HaShem, i.e., what God “IS” (which is beyond our comprehension), but rather, how HaShem operates in this world as it appears to us.
These words were invoked by Moshe Rabbenu at a very delicate time: when the people of Israel built and worshiped the golden calf and HaShem wanted to destroy Israel. Moshe pleaded to HaShem to forgive ‘am Israel, and as we know, He did.
Rabbi Yochanan explained that God Almighty showed Moshe Rabbenu that by invoking these 13 principles, the transgressors would be forgiven.
The 13 principles say the following:
HASHEM – God, behaving with compassion. As opposed to Eloqim, which alludes to God, acting with strict justice.
HASHEM – (we will explain below this repetition of God’s name)
E-L – mighty in compassion to give all creatures according to their need;
RAHUM – merciful, that humankind may not be distressed;
VEHANUN – and gracious if humankind is already in distress;
EREKH APAIM – slow to anger;
VERAB HESED – and generous in kindness;
VE-EMET- and truth;
NOTSER HESED LAALAFIM – keeping His kindness for thousand generations;
NOSE AVON – forgiving iniquity;
VAFESHA– and transgression;
VAHATAA – and sin;
VENAQE – and pardoning.
Rabbi Eliyahu da Vidas (1518-1592) writes in his book Reshit Hokhma (שער הענוה פרק א) that the expression of the Talmud “by invoking these 13 attributes, the transgressors will be forgiven” should not be understood as by reciting these 13 attributes but “by performing these 13 attributes”. This means that when we emulate these attributes of God with our peers, we will be forgiven by God.
A few illustrations:
HASHEM, HASHEM: The repetition of the name of God demands an explanation. Our rabbis taught that from this repetition, we learn a wonderful lesson about God’s complete forgiveness. When we truly repent for our transgressions, God will forgive us completely and will never remind us again of that sin. The repetition of God’s names teaches us thus that He will behave with us after we repent exactly as He behaved with us before we sinned. There is no grudge or resentment but total and complete forgiveness. Thus, if we want to be forgiven by God, we need to act toward others as we want God to act toward us. Namely, when we forgive others, we should delete and erase all bad feelings toward the person who offended us, and we should act toward him or her as we did before the offense.
EREKH APAYIM (Patient) HaShem waits patiently for us to repent. Instead of punishing us immediately for our sins, God gives us time to repent and avoid punishment. So too, if someone wrongs us, we should give that person time to repent and make amends.
VEEMET (Truth). He keeps His promises of good even if we do not deserve that good anymore. If we promise to do a good thing for another person, we should keep our word even if that person no longer deserves it.
NOTSER HESED LAALAFIM (Keeps His Kindness for thousand generations) If we owe a debt of gratitude to someone, we should continue to express that gratitude to that person’s descendants.
When we recite these attributes, we should learn from them, not just how HaShem behaves with us, but also how HaShem expects us to behave with others.
Good News: Your dad is the Judge!
This Shabbat is unique since it is at the center of “The Ten Days of Teshuba”, the days between Rosh haShana and Yom Kippur. During these ten days, we ask God repeatedly to inscribe us in the book of life.
And we also make a meaningful change in the text of the Amida, the central prayer: instead of saying HaE-l haQadosh, “Holy God” we say HaMelech haQadosh, “Holy King”.
These additions and changes help us get into the right mind for Yom Kippur.
What does HaMelekh Qadosh mean?
MELEKH: When we say “Melekh” we should not be thinking of a king from a fairy tale. We have to think instead of “Judge”. Why? In a monarchical state, the king acts as the Supreme Judge, the highest authority. The king also issues the final verdict in terms of the life and death of his subjects. He can sentence someone to die, and he can also spare the life of an individual sentenced to death. These days we think of HaShem as the Supreme Judge, knowing that it is in His hands whether or not we deserve the opportunity to live another year. On Rosh haShanah, the Heavenly Court inscribes human beings in one of two books: the book of life or the other book. But the final verdict is not sealed until the end of Yom Kippur, when the Judge signs the final sentence. During this time — after the ruling has been issued but before it’s signed — I have to appeal a possible “guilty” verdict. My mission is to convince the Judge that if He didn’t inscribe me yet in the Book of Life, He should reconsider. I have a few more days to prove that I sincerely regret what I did wrong. During these days, including this Shabbat, I have to prove to the Supreme Judge that I can be better. On Yom Kippur, I will stand before the Supreme Judge, acting as my advocate and pleading for my life.
QADOSH: “Qadosh”, is usually translated as “holy”. But in the context of this expression, HaMelech haQadosh means “unique”, “different”. In other words, we are saying that HaShem is a very different judge from the other judges. First, God is an invisible judge, whom we do not see, but who sees us, knows us, and knows our secrets and private lives, which no human judge can know. HaShem is “unique” and “different” because he is a Judge whom we cannot deceive with appearances or flattery… He is “unique” because nothing escapes His knowledge. Unlike a human judge, HaShem knows my thoughts, intentions, and potential.
ABINU: But if He knows everything, how will my repentance affect His final judgment and His verdict? HaShem as Judge is “unique” because He is my Creator as well, that is, my Father. And I know what to be a parent means. When one of my children makes a mistake, I want to make sure that they recognize that they have made a mistake and learned a valuable lesson from their bad experience. And once I see that my child has learned his lesson, why would I want to punish him? Suppose my child comes to me spontaneously, admits his mistake honestly, and shows me that he will take the necessary steps to not make the same mistake in the future. In that case, I will hug him, encourage him, and show him that I trust him and am happy that he has finally learned his lesson. Similarly, when we approach HaShem on Yom Kippur and admit and confess our mistakes and transgressions, showing Him that we have learned our lesson, He will surely forgive us and suspend any potential negative sentence. Because apart from being our “Judge”, God is our Father: we are the Judge’s children!
This tremendously important concept is mentioned in the beautiful prayer we say every day now until Yom Kippur, including this coming Shabbat: ABINU MALKENU, declaring and reminding ourselves that apart from being our Judge, God is also our Father.
How to miss the greatest opportunity of the year?
Yom Kippur is the most important day of the Jewish year. The day we confess our mistakes and misdeeds to God, resolving to improve our actions during the following year. Hoping that HaShem will accept our apologies, inscribe us and seal us in the book of life. Now, as important as Yom Kippur is, if we fail to do our homework previous to Yom Kippur, the most important day of the year might become the most significant wasted opportunity of the year.
BEFORE Yom Kippur begins, we must ask forgiveness from those whom we might have offended or caused any damage, emotional or material. During Yom Kippur, the transgressions between us and God (Shabbat, Kashrut, Tefilin, etc.) are effectively forgiven by confessing them and resolving to improve. But God does not forgive us for those offenses made toward another human being: bullying, cheating, lying, stealing, embarrassing, talking badly about someone (leshon hara’), etc. All these transgressions are NOT forgiven on Yom Kippur unless we first approach those we hurt and ask for their forgiveness.
If we are serious about this, we should sit with ourselves for a few minutes with pen, paper, and a humble heart. We should review in our memories the times we might have caused pain and damage to other people: friends, colleagues or family members, parents, spouse, etc.
Then, we should think about what would be the most effective way of appeasing each particular individual. By phone or in person? By a long email or by a text? Should we describe in detail what we have done wrong, or should we ask for forgiveness in a more general way? Since every person is different and every case is unique, there is not one formula to appease every individual. We must use our common sense and find a way for our apology to be sincere, credible, and effective.
Asking for forgiveness is probably one of the most challenging tasks we might need to do. Because we need to admit and say: “I WAS WRONG”. It takes a lot of humility and emotional strength to face the victim. I think it helps if one considers the humiliation as part of the Kappara (atonement) within the Teshuba process.
A second list we should write ASAP is a list of our debts, like money we owe in our business or to providers, to friends or family members, unpaid community donations, Tzedaqa that we promised to give, etc. We should prioritize those debts that have expired or are about to expire. This is the right time to do it—today or (literally) during the next couple of days.
Preparing ourselves for Yom Kippur
We are just a few days away from Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, and probably the most important day of the year for a Jew.
In Yom Kippur we can not improvise. We have to prepare ourselves in advance. Besides knowing the details of the day of fast (who must fast, and who should not, and how to proceed when one does not fast, etc.) if we want to experience a “Day of Atonement” we have to delve first into the concept of Teshuba.
Teshuba, the repentance process, consists as per Maimonides of three or four (usually four) steps
1. Hakarat haChet. Recognize that we have done wrong. We must free ourselves from excuses, blame transference (blaming everyone of my mistakes, except myself) and acknowledge that we were wrong. We possibly damaged friends, colleagues and loved ones. And we probably betrayed our pact with HaShem. Without this recognition, repentance (or forgiveness) is not possible.
2. Tiqun. Repair. If we have not caused injury or damage to any individual, we can proceed to step 3. But if we are more humans than angels, and as such, we have done wrong to others (and it does not matter now if it was unintentionally or intentionally, or if the other deserved or not deserved) we must make every effort to repair the damage we have caused. Examples: If we have taken what is not ours, money or other material goods, we must return it. If you have personal debts, unpaid donations, etc. we should pay it NOW. If we hurt someone with our words, offending, speaking ill or making fun of someone, etc. we must arm ourselves with courage and ask forgiveness. If we do not have the courage to apologize personally, we must do it even by phone. Or even by email or WhatsApp. The main thing is that our apologies should not be half apologies, half excuses: they need to be very sincere and delivered with humbleness. Our sages say that if we do not repair what we did wrong to others, or if we did not apologize to those we hurt and offended, we will not be forgiven by God in Yom Kippur.
3. Viduy. In the process of Teshuba, the most important Mitsva of Yom Kippur is the Viduy or confession. On the day of Kippur we must confess before God, quietly, all sins we have committed to Him or to other people. It is very important to keep in mind (or make a super-private list of) the faults we have committed. According to our sages, recognizing our wrongdoings mentally is the first step of Teshuba, which is what we should do when we hear the Shofar in Rosh Hashanah. But this recognition can only be effective when we verbalize it. Only then, when we have the courage to articulate what we did wrong, we can overcome what we did wrong. That is why the sages explained that all I need in order to obtain HaShem’s forgiveness for the offenses I did against Him (shabbat, kashrut, tefila, etc.) is to recognize and articulate my flaws and faults. BH we’ll talk a little more in the coming days about the Viduy.
4. ‘Azibat haChet. the final test of a sincere Teshuba is change. Changing our behavior, our habits, improving the negative elements of our character, this is the final challenge of Yom Kippur. Contemporary Rabbis say that if we can change or improve even a small area of our behavior or personality, and this change is firm and solid, then Yom Kippur and the process of Teshuba were a great success, although there is still a long way to go. Recommendation: when choosing an area to change or improve, we have to choose something that is meaningful but also realizable, and not unattainable. The successful strategy consist of finding an area of change that represents a balance between the transcendent and the attainable.