HILKHOT TESHUBA 4:1-2. Obstacles in the way of Teshuba

In Chapter 4 of Hilkhot Teshuba Maimonides enumerates twenty-four actions, personality patterns or attitudes which prevent or make very difficult for a person to begin or undergo the process of repentance.

Three illustrations.

DOMINO EFFECT (4:1)

Those who because of their teachings or their bad example…. induce or influence other people to sin. Sometimes, if we have taught or inspire other people to act in the wrong way, we have triggered a negative domino effect which eventually gets out of our hand. In this case repentance is virtually impossible. Why? Because part of the process of repentance consists in repairing what I have done wrong. So, even if I personally repent from my wrong actions, how could I be able to repair the damage other people have caused because of my wrong teachings or bad example? In this

scenario, I’m virtually beyond redemption. Because despite my own personal repentance my example is still exerting a negative influence in other people to an unknown extent.

CALCULATED TESHUBA (4:1) Sinning with the intention of repenting later. Maimonides refers here to a situation in which I’m about to commit a sin and before I do it I say to myself : “I will sin now and repent for this sin later on.” Or I say to myself: “Since Yom Kippur is the day of forgiveness, I will sin now and God will forgive me for this sin in Yom Kippur”. In these conditions Teshuba is unacceptable. Because Teshuba is welcomed by the Creator when it comes from a sincere remorse, not when it is part of a calculated game-plan.

DEFENSIVE PERSONALITY (4:2) Someone who refuses to be corrected or criticized. Imagine a person incapable of accepting a minimal dose of positive criticism, even when coming from those who care for his or her well being. Many times, this type of personality-disfunction is a consequence of a low self esteem or other psychological issues which prevent a person to cope with any criticism. This person, Maimonides concludes, will likely continue with his or her bad habits because is incapable of seeing himself as other people perceive him.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Great minds talk about ideas.

Average minds talk about things.

Small minds talk about people.

Eleanor Roosevelt

HILKHOT TESHUBA 3:14 Maimonides on Bullying

In the third chapter of Hilkhot Teshuba, Halakha 5, Maimonides asserts that the Jews, and the righteous among the gentiles (haside ummot ha’olam), will be granted a share in ‘olam habba, the afterlife.

Then Maimonides writes about the exceptions to the above-mentioned rule. Those individuals who are excluded from the world to come because of the severity of their sins (unless they repair the damage they have caused and repent during their lifetime). Maimonides enumerates twenty-four categories of sins. These include heretical statements-such as denying the existence of God, and sins with irreparable effects, like committing national treason (moredim, moserim) killing, and slandering (ba’ale leshon hara’).

Toward the end of the chapter (3:14) Maimonides refers to eight cases, seemingly of a lesser severity, which were also mentioned by the Rabbis as sins for which one would lose his or her part in the world to come.

Four of these cases could be translated in modern term as “bullying” (nicknaming, verbal abuse, etc.). Bullying is a verbal offense which can cause as much damage as physical violence. Unlike physical violence, though, bullying is usually not penalized by secular law and could go unseen for a long time. Victims of bullying, especially if they suffer from low self esteem, usually do not denounce the perpetrators (and low self-esteem is an effect of bullying-do you see the vicious cycle here?). Because of this, abusive bullying tends to continue with devastating emotional effects for long periods of time.

Unfortunately, in our days bullying has become epidemic. In some cases the classroom or bus is divided into three groups: the bullies, the victim/s of bullying and those who watch and do nothing.

As parents, we need to be alert and detect the symptoms of bullying. We should educate our children in the following ways: First, to identify and denounce bullying if they are victims of it. Second, to not be passive bystanders when they witness acts of bullying. Third and most importantly, to respect the dignity of every human being and keep away from this hideous behavior.

A great educational movie about bullying, recommended for parents, to watch with their children

HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:1: Forgiveness and quality of life

Yesterday we explained that when somebody apologizes for an offense or for a wrong thing he or she did to us, we should be willing to forgive and also forget. After all, we are asking from God to forgive us. And by taking the fist step forgiving others, we certainly become more deserving of God’s forgiveness .

Question: Can we forgive others on our own, or should we wait for their request for forgiveness?

There is a fundamental difference between asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. Granting forgiveness can be done unilaterally. Obviously, it is nicer and more appropriate when the offender comes and apologizes. But sometimes people are too shy or have too many psychological barriers or pride (=low self esteem) which impairs them from the possibility of taking charge of their wrongdoings and apologize.

And still, we can forgive.

In the Talmud, Megila 28a, we read that the elder R. Nehunya ben haQane was asked by his disciples: “In virtue of what have you reached such a good old age? He quoted the verse. ‘Never thecurse of my fellow man came up to my bed with me’. This was explained [=exemplified] by Mor Zutra who every night when going to bed would say: ‘I forgive all those who have offended me'”.

In other words: Every night before going to sleep Rabbi Nehunya practiced forgiveness of his own initiative. This unilateral exoneration freed Rabbi Nehunya from the curse of hatred and resentment, and impacted positively in the length (and probably also on the quality) of his life.

There is a beautiful prayer, inspired by the example of Rabbi Nehunya found in every prayer book in the section of Qeriyat Shema’ ‘al haMita. The following is an excerpt of that prayer “RIBBONO SHE OLAM, HARENI MOHEL VESOLEAH…” to be said before we go to sleep.

“Master of the Universe! Behold, I forgive anyone who has angered or offended me. Whether it was directed toward my person or my money or my honor or anything which pertains to me. [I forgive them], whether his or her actions were performed by total accident or willingly; through negligence or premeditation; whether it was done through speech or physical action. [I forgive them and I request from You]: may no person be punished because of me…”

I must clarify once again that in this Halakha I’m referring particularly to forgiveness in the context of social and personal minor offenses, when a friend, a family member, a colleague, a neighbor, etc. did or said something wrong to us. Forgiveness for criminal or major offenses belong to a different category and can not be addressed in these brief lines.

HILKHOT TESHUBA 1:1: to be or not to be specific?

Maimonides explains that the commandment of Teshuba is fulfilled when we recite the Viduy. Viduy is the verbal confession of our transgressions, while feeling regret and shame for the wrong things we have done.

The Viduy/confession is done privately. We do not disclose our sins in front of other people or a minister, but only in front of God. Whispering the confession to ourselves.

There is a discussion in the Talmud (Rabbi Yehuda ben Baba vs. Rabbi Aqiba) if one needs to specify his or her wrongdoings or one can just state in general terms that he has acted wrongly. It is similar to the situation we would face when we want to apologize to someone we have offended: should we apologize mentioning the specifics of our wrongdoing or should we just say a general “I’m sorry for what I have done to you “?

According to the Shulhan Arukh it is not necessary to mention every specific sin that one has committed. This leniency aims specifically at not discouraging a person who wants to repent. Since he might not be capable –or courageous enough– to recalling the particulars of his wrong behavior. A general confession facilitates the process of Teshuba.

Maimonides, however, rules like the first opinion and indicates that one should mention in his private confession everything wrong he has done. Teshuba 1:1, “and then one shall confess, I have done so and so…”.

If we wish to follow Maimonides opinion we need to apply ourselves to a deep process of introspection. Exercising our memory and struggling against our impulses of denial and self advocacy. While reviewing our past actions it might help to write down all misdeeds we can remember. Including obviously, unpaid debts and apologies we owe to our peers.

In the context of Maimonides opinion the text of the Viduy –the one we say for Selihot, for example– should be seen as a reminder of the points we should recall, repent for, and hopefully correct.

This challenging spiritual/ethical/intellectual activity cannot be done overnight. We dedicate to it forty days, from the beginning of Elul until Yom Kippur: the day we devote ourselves entirely and exclusively to the exercise of Teshuba/Viduy.

SELIHOT: Training for a Marathon day

From the second day of the month of Elul (today!) until Yom Kippur, the Sephardic custom is to recite the Selihot prayer.Selihot is a special Tefila which inspires us to reflect on our actions and ask forgiveness from our peers and from the Almighty for our mistakes and wrongdoings. Selihot is traditionally said before the morning prayer (Shaharit), although technically, Selihot could be said also during nighttime (after midnight) or even during the day.The Ashkenazi Minhag is to start Selihot services the last Sunday before Rosh haShana. However, when Rosh haShana falls on a Monday or Tuesday (it can never fall on a Sunday) Selihot will begin two Sundays before Rosh haShana.

Also, during the entire month of Elul the Ashkenazim and many Sephardim (Moroccans, Persians, etc. but not Syrians) have the custom to blow the Shofar.

The goal of Selihot and the blowing of the Shofar is to inspire us to begin the process of Teshuba. Teshuba consists of introspection and repentance. But ultimately it means coming back or closer to God (depending on one’s point of departure). This high spiritual goal cannot be achieved overnight or just by making a decision to change. It demands a serious and patient course of actions in which we revisit our deeds and particularly our values. We reexamine our goals and the distractions that have driven us away from those goals. This intense spiritual intellectual process begins today and culminates during Yom Kippur. Think of Yom Kippur as a spiritual marathon: a whole day consecrated exclusively to appealing to HaShem, begging His forgiveness and committing ourselves to major changes in our lives. No one will run a marathon without a previous training. Similarly, to be in good shape for Yom Kippur we make an intense forty-days training of which Selihot is a most essential part.

Dedicated to baby Yosef Bitton, son of Jacob and Rivkah.

Teshuba and blame displacement

In Maimonides’ opinion Teshuba consists of three steps:

1. hakarat hachet, or admission of our personal responsibility .

2. viduy, or confession with sincere remorse for the wrong we have done

3. ‘azibat hachet ,or the resolve to abandon our bad habits.

hakarat hachet is probably the most difficult challenge in Teshuba. Because we naturally tend to justify and rationalize whatever wrong we have done. Or, we might be tempted to play the oldest human game: “blame displacement”.

Everyone knows that God punished Adam and Eve expelling them from Paradise. But why did He punish them? Was it because they ate from the forbidden tree?

Try this. Put on a table all kind of candies, sweets, and cakes in front of a six years old child. In the middle of the table place a simple cherry-tomato. Now, tell the child: ‘You can eat whatever you want except for the tomato’. It will be only a matter of time until the child disobeys, leaves all the carb-loaded foods and grabs the tomato. The forbidden fruit syndrome triggers an irresistible curiosity and desire for what we cannot have, just because we cannot have it. According to Rabbi Yosef Albo (Spain, 1380-1444), Adam and Eve’s sin was not eating from the fruit. God, he reasons, knew they will succumb. God wanted to train the first couple to take charge, confess and repent for their wrong actions. Knowing that making mistakes is part of the human nature, HaShem was teaching them the way to repair and reset: Teshuba!

Adam’s original sin happened when God approached him and asked him: ‘What did you do?’ and instead of admitting his responsibility and asking for God’s forgiveness Adam ‘transferred’ the blame to Eve saying: ‘the woman that You gave to me (You=God. Adam was now blaming God!) she offered me the fruit’. Then God approached Eve and she said: ‘It wasn’t me! The serpent made me do it’.

‘Blame displacement,’ i.e., holding others responsible for our own misdeeds, is probably the main obstacle for repentance, or at least the oldest one.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Albert Einstein

HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:10: Unilateral forgiveness

Yesterday we explained that when somebody apologizes for an offense or for a wrong thing he or she did to us, we should be willing to forgive and also forget. After all, we are asking from God to forgive us: taking the fist step will be the best way to demonstrate that we deserve to be forgiven (see here).

I was asked by a reader of HOTD yesterday: Can we unilaterally forgive or should we wait for a request for forgiveness?

There is a fundamental difference between asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. As the reader (D.A.) hinted, granting forgiveness can be done unilaterally. It is nice if the offender comes and apologizes. But sometimes people have too much psychological barriers or pride (i.e., low self esteem) or shyness, which impairs them from the possibility of taking charge and ask forgiveness.

And then, we still can forgive.

How and why?

In the Talmud, Megila 28a, we read that R. Nechunya ben haQana, who was very old, was asked by his disciples: “In virtue of what have you reached such a good old age? He quoted the verse. ‘Nor did the curse of my fellow go up on my bed with me’. This is illustrated by Mor Zutra, who, [every night] when going to bed would say: I forgive all those who have offended me”.

This unilateral and unrequested forgiveness released Rabbi Nechunya from hatred and resentment and it impacted positively the length (and I would guess also the quality) of his life. I’m sure it might work for us as well!

There is a beautiful prayer, inspired by the example of Mor Zutra, found in any prayer book which is recited as part of the reading of the Shema Israel before going to sleep. When said with the proper understanding it helps us to cultivate the habit of forgiveness and prepares us emotionally for such a difficult task. (See below).

I must clarify once again that I’m referring particularly to social and personal offenses, i.e., when a friend, a family member, a colleague, a neighbor, etc. did or say something wrong. Political forgiveness or criminal cases are a more complicated matter which can not be addressed in these brief lines.

The prayer RIBBONO SHE OLAM HARENi MOCHEL VESOLEACH to say before we go to sleep.

“Master of the Universe; Behold, I forgive anyone who angered or offended me, whether it was directed toward my person or my money or my honor or anything which pertains to me. [I forgive them] whether the action was performed by total accident or willingly, through neglect or premeditation, whether it was done through speech or physical action. [I forgive them and I request You]: may no person be punished because of me…”

HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:1. Credibility and repentance

What is considered a perfect repentance? When one is faced with the same opportunity to repeat the original transgression, but now he does not do it because he has repented… however, when one does not repeat the original transgression, [and refrains from sinning] because now he fears people will find out… his repentance is still accepted, but it is not considered a perfect repentance

Maimonides gives the example of a man who was involved in an illicit relationship and later on repents. The ultimate test of his repentance would take place if that man is eventually faced with a similar opportunity but now he refrains from repeating the transgression because of his new understanding and remorse.

However, if that man is not faced again with similar circumstances as those leading to his earlier sin (he definitely should not seek them!) or if he faces a similar scenario but now he refrains from sinning because he suspects somebody will find out about his affair, his Teshuba is still accepted. But it is not a perfectTeshuba. Why? because this man might now have changed not because of his conscience, but because of the new circumstances.

A modern example: Sometimes we read in the news about famous people caught doing immoral things. Almost invariably, they would come in front of the cameras and publicly repent and apologize for what they have done. That act is definitely an act of repentance. However, it is at least questionable in terms of its credibility and genuineness, since the whole process of repentance happened as a consequence of having been caught. It cannot be known if they would have really repented from their wrongdoing had they not been caught…

Following Maimonides, the perfect repentance in this case would take place when, while still involved in an illicit relationship or other immoral act, and with no external impediment to continue with it, one decides out of his own conscience (not because of the media!), to stop, repent and change.

That is a perfect and credible Teshuba.

HILKHOT TESHUBA: 1:1. The ultimate regret

In his monumental book, Mishne Tora, Maimonides dedicates ten chapters to the subject of Teshuba (repentance). In those chapters he describes and explains the technical issues involved in the process of repentance. He also deals in length with the idea of freedom of choice and how it relates to Teshuba. In the eighth Chapter he clarifies the Jewish view on the afterlife (‘olam-habba) and in the last chapter he elaborates on the proper way to serve God: if we should serve God expecting a reward or out of our unconditional love for Him.

In this month, Elul, B’H I will try to cover some of these important issues.

Hilkhot Teshuba 1: 1:

“All the commandments of the Tora, when a person transgress a prohibition or when he fails to perform a positive commandment… when he regrets….”.

Normally, we think of Teshuba/repentance as regretting our mistakes, flaws, misdeeds, etc. But according to Maimonides’ statement we also, or primarily, need to regret what we have notdone. We are accountable not just for our actions but also for our inaction and idleness. For not doing all the good and right things we should have done.

Many times, when I’ve visited in the Hospital patients who knew they will die soon (and they were conscious) I’ve seen that they do not focus their regret on the mistakes they might have made. Rather, at those most sacred last moments, when their whole life lies in front of them and there is not more time to change anything, invariably, I found out, people regret the good things they should have done and they didn’t do. The many opportunities they’ve missed to make a change. Big or small. At these moments, when they realize more than ever the preciousness of time, they regret to have waisted so much of it in material-fruitless efforts instead of giving more, helping more, fighting for what is right and getting closer to God. People regret they have missed their full potential. The greater the person or the highest position or the power that person had, the bigger the feeling of frustration for having missed so many opportunities to impact positively his own life and the life of others.

Following this simple idea, Teshuba implies, first of all, the realization of our talents. Taking charge and being responsible for maximizing our potential to make a change, to give, to inspire and to come closer to God.

WATCH THIS POWERFUL 1 min. CLIP

How much life are you choosing?

Should we forgive?

The days of Elul are days of Teshuba. We ask forgiveness from God, for any ritual transgressions we might have done. And we should seek our peer’s forgiveness for any offenses we might have caused them.

We also need to be willing to forgive.

In Chapter 2, Halakha 10, Maimonides talks about the appropriate attitude of the victim of an offense. He says: “It is forbidden for a person to be insensitive (akhzari) and refuse to be appeased… rather, when someone approaches him seeking his forgiveness, he should forgive him wholeheartedly and with a positive spirit”.

Forgiving is one of the most difficult emotional acts we might be performing in our lives, but at the time we ask forgiveness from God, we should be willing to forgive others as well.

Seeking revenge or even bearing a grudge is actually a Biblical prohibition. According to Maimonides, these altruistic values have had such an impact in the Jewish nation that it became already a ‘second nature’, or part of the Jews present genetic makeup. “[forgiving is part of] the nature (darkan) of the descendants of israel and the inclination of their hearth”

I must clarify, however, that we are referring here to social and personal forgiveness: when a friend, a colleague, a neighbor, etc.did something wrong to me.

Political forgiveness is a more complicated matter (I urge the reader to read this): we have no right to forgive the perpetrators and accomplices of the Shoa or those who had any involvement in brutal terrorists acts in Israel or in the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Actually in this week’s Persaha the Torah states clearly that some instances, like the irrational hatred of Amaleq, should never be forgiven or even forgotten, but constantly remembered, lest it repeats itself.

SHABBAT SHALOM!

Candle Lighting in NYC: 6.57 PM

Shabbat Ends in NYC: 8.03 PM

Rabbi Yosef Bitton.

130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024.

Email: rabbibitton@yahoo.com

Click here to see a wonderful presentation by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks on this Perasha, about forgiveness and remembrance.

To watch and to remember: SEPTEMBER 11, memorial