One step down

In the Talmud Yebamot 63a the Rabbis gave many advices on the issue of shidukhim (=finding your spouse. See here). One of them is: “nachit chad darga unsib iteta.” Descend one step to find a wife”. What did they mean by that?

I will present two interpretations.

The first, based on Rashi’s commentary, views these ‘steps’ as socio-economic steps and focuses on one aspect of married life: financial differences between husband and wife. A man who himself does not come from a rich family might be tempted to look for a spouse that comes from a wealthy family. What he might overlook is that, generally speaking, a woman’s natural expectation is to upgrade or at least maintain her financial status once she gets married. A woman that as a daughter was raised with luxury, being able to afford not only what she needs but also what she wants, will not easily adapt to a lower lifestyle. Soon the differences might come up. Items that her husband considers them as luxurious extravagances, for her are part of her normal lifestyle or a matter of need. Although people change (and many people easily adjust to lower financial situation) the appreciation of what we have depends in great part on what we used to have.

To avoid this type of financial tensions the rabbis–two thousand years ago–gave this practical advice: when looking for a wife, don’t look one step above you. You might not be able to meet your wife’s material’s expectations.

Instead, they said, “look one step below your own socio-economic level, and take a wife”. That, at least in the material aspect, will be a win/win. Your wife feels that she has upgraded herself financially with you (haisha ‘ola ‘im ba’alah), and a lifestyle that for you is normal and affordable, for her will be a luxury! Everyone is happy.

For a different perspective on this issue READ Financial inequity . Her parents have more money to give. Does that create a problem? by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc. (From Aish.com)

Rabbinical Advice on Shidukhim

In the matter of Shidukhim –finding the future spouse– the Shulchan Arukh (eben ha’ezer 2:2) writes that one should be mindful of certain red flags in the family of the prospective candidates.

1. It mentions that it is not a good sign if a family is always fighting within themselves or with another family. One should look for a spouse that comes from a peace-loving family.

2. It says that if a family is always trying to delegitimize other families is suspicious of being of an illegitimate ancestry (pesulim). As a rule, our Rabbis asserted that when one is overly critical of others in one specific area, it is probably due to his own guilt or remorse feelings in that specific area. For example, if someone is obsessively looking to prove that other people are stealing, it is possible that he himself is guilty of it. The rabbis described this behavior with four words: kol hapoesel bemumo posel, “When someone [arbitrarily] criticize others, he is projecting his own flaws”. In our case then, if a family has an obsession for legitimacy, it is possible that they lack legitimacy. (This pattern of behavior extends beyond the matter of ‘legitimacy’)

3. Furthermore, the Shulchan Arukh identifies the genetic setup of a Jewish person with the following words: Jews are innately compassionate, shy, and actively kind (rachmanim, bayshanim, gomle chasadim). So ingrained are these character traits in a Jew that the Rabbis declared that whoever acts with cruelty towards others, or does not show sensitivity toward other’s suffering or does not have a minimal dose of decency or displays a shameless behavior, might not be of a Jewish ascendence.

Back to Shidukhim, the more identifiable these three virtues are in a candidate, the stronger the case for considering him or her a suitable partner, and vice versa.

I dedicate today’s HOTD to my son Abraham, who yesterday became a Paratrooper (tzanchan) in the IDF. (See here a clip of the Paratroopers ceremony in the Kotel).

Rabbis and Shidukhim (finding your spouse)

The Rabbis of the Talmud (=chazal) have given a few practical advices on Shidukhim, i.e., looking for the right spouse. The decision should be made based on two factors, which must be in agreement: our emotions and our mind. In other words, if we have feelings toward a person but the mind says that is not a good idea, or if the mind says ‘yes’, but there are negative feelings toward that person, the Shidukh must be reconsidered.

In the area of the mind, one is advised to make sure that the other person has middot tobot, good qualities; comes from a decent family, and that the communication channels and that values and character traits are more or less compatible. In the Talmud Yerushalmi the rabbis saw favorably to take a bride “from his tribe and (extended) family (i.e., community) lidabbeq beshibto ubmishpachto. (Qiddushin, 4:4) because the cultural and traditional common grounds are obviously greater. Some bad traits should be seen as red flags like: arrogance, greed and a short temper. Those are character flaws which are difficult to correct and one should avoid.

In the area of emotions, the rabbis did not to say that we must feel an immediate attraction toward the prospective candidate, on the contrary, that might be a sign of looking superficially at a person. “Falling in love”, and especially, “love at first sight”, might be a dangerous trap. Because “falling” in love might imply a temporary shutting-off of our mind, indispensable to make a good decision. What the Rabbis warned us against is having an emotional antagonism toward the other person =’rejection at first sight’. If those negative feelings are there, then, one should not proceed.

Most couples I know, the first times they met, did not feel an automatic attraction nor an automatic rejection for each other, they were emotionally ‘parve’ . Then, they invested some time for the emotions to be nurtured, as they interacted as a couple in the dating process and got to know each other better.

Dating and Lashon haRa

Lashon haRa, i.e, telling something negative about somebody else, is one of the most serious prohibitions in our Tora and its effects could be devastating. Yet, there are a few instances in which we are allowed or even required to speak up to and reveal certain negative information to prevent someone else’s damage, for example, in the world of business (see here ).

In the area of Shiddukhim (=dating) Lashon haRa might cause tremendous and long-lasting damage in the emotional and psychological life of the victims. I know many engagements which were tragically broken, because of Lashon haRa; people –friends, relatives–made negative comments about the bride or the groom, innocently or sometimes deliberately, out of jealousy or resentment.

Still, there might be some ‘negative’ information about the bride and the groom that we know, and we believe it should be known to the other party. Should we disclose that information?

I will summarize the matter of Lashon haRa and Shiddukhim, with the following two basic rules:

1. If you have first-hand information of a ‘serious/objective’ matter that affects the bride or groom, you can (or sometimes ‘you should’) reveal this information to the potential partner. For example, a major issue in the past, like a previous marriage; a life threatening disease, a serious mental problem, etc. However, in other ‘subjective’ areas–where you apply your judgment more than your knowledge of certain facts, like ‘compatibility’, character, rumors, etc. you should not interfere. Different personalities might complement each other and make for beautiful marriages.

2. FOR ALL CASES, and before you say one word, PLEASE, always seek the advice of an experienced Rabbi or an expert counselor, to help you assessing if the information you have, it is indeed a ‘serious/objective’ matter which deserves to be disclosed, or if it pertains to your own subjective judgment, and therefore you need to let the bride, the groom and their families, to decide by themselvesif and when they want to reveal it. A good advisor will also help you decide when and how to reveal the information, as well as verify if this information has been already disclosed, and you did not know about it.

READ: “Full disclosure”. Dating advice from Aish.com