20th of Cheshvan, 5771

Last week we explained the prohibition of hatred and how to become free of resentment by communicating to the offender our feelings and emotions.

The best antidote to ‘prevent’ hatred, however, is the fulfillment of a very important Mitsvah. ‘Giving the benefit of the doubt’ (betsedek tishpot amitekha).

Illustration: I’m coming out the supermarket with a many shopping bags. I don’t have a car. When, I’m about to cross the street to take the bus, I see my next door neighbor (who knows I don’t have a car!) driving by, and to my disappointment he does not stop to offer me a ride…

My first impulse is to think “What a bad guy!”. That thought naturally triggers feelings of hatred (Torah prohibition # 1), resentment (# 2), seeking revenge (#3) and eventually will lead me to comment on his terrible behavior to my friends and family! (# 4).

Judging with the benefit of the doubt consists on stopping ‘negative’ thoughts in my mind before they become hatred, resentment, revenge and Lashon haRa.

How? I must force myself to have a second positive thought, a ‘possible’ reason which would excuse his behavior. Why didn’t he stop?May be he didn’t see me. Or may be he wasn’t going home, but to the doctor or to pick up his son. I must focus my mind to advocate my neighbor!

Giving the benefit of the doubt aborts the whole negative emotional process: hatred/revenge/Lashon haRa before it becomes unstoppable.

MUST READ for PARENTS! (from Aish):

http://www.aish.com/ci/w/beauty_industry_vs_modesty_105241523.html

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024

13th of Cheshvan, 5771

Last week we explained that the Torah commands us to ‘love’ our fellow men as we love ourselves. ‘Love’ means to take care of others when they need and advocate for them in our mind when they make a mistake.

The Torah also warns us against a serious issue, the other side of the coin of ‘love’: Hatred. lo tisna et achikha bilbabekha… ‘You shall not hate your brother in your heart’. This Mitzvah does not refer only to a baseless hatred (sinat chinam) but even when somebody had offended us, the Torah forbids us to harbor hate in our hearts.

But how can God expect us to control an emotion? The feelings of our heart?

Maimonides explains in Mishne Torah (deot 6,6) that ‘hatred’ could be controlled:

“When somebody wrongs to you, you shouldn’t keep your resentment quietly inside.
Because that is a symptom of ‘hatred’ (Maimonides quotes the case of Abshalom and the silent treatment he gave to Amnon for years… Shemuel II, 13). Instead, you are required by a the Torah to approach the offender and respectfully ask him:
Do you realize what you did to me? Why did you do this to me? And if the offender regrets his offense and ask your forgiveness, you should forgive him.”

The silent treatment is defined by Maimonides as minhag hareshaim. ‘A habit of the wicked ones’.

Communicating our feelings, directly to those who offended us, mitigates the hatred in the heart of the victim and constitutes the best first step toward a healthy reconciliation.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024

3rd of Cheshvan, 5771

It is really challenging to swallow that we are ‘commanded’to love… After all, love is probably the
noblest of all ‘feelings’. A naturalbond we experience toward certain people. Right?

Love is ultimately a feeling. But not just a spontaneous feeling. It is a feeling we can acquire when we do certain things and we develop a right attitude.

Let me offer two examples.

1. Love is ‘care’.

The Torah would not order us to feel in certain way. But it can command us to ‘take care’ of others, as we take care of ourselves. When we actively care for others, we fulfill this Mitzva. Which comes with some extra points. When we take care of others, in return, we feed our own positive feelings. As Rabbi Dessler explained: We naturally ‘take care’ of those we ‘love’, but we also develop deep feelings of ‘love’ for those we take care of.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024