After the Ketuba is read, it is signed by two witnesses. The role of the witnesses is obviously witnessing to the marital status of the couple when necessary. In this respect, the requirement of the presence of witnesses in a Jewish wedding is similar to the requirement of witnesses in any other legal, religious or secular events and ceremonies. Most states in the United States, for example, require the presence of two witnesses in a civil marriage (though in some states, like California, you can have a private wedding without witnesses).

In Jewish law, witnesses play another very important role. The witnesses actually validate the marriage. Technically speaking, the presence of a rabbi is not a requirement sine-qua-non for the validity of a Jewish marriage, as it is for other religions, or as it is the presence of a judge in a civil marriage. In theory, all that is needed for a Jewish couple to be considered legally married is the presence of two witnesses during the key moments of the ceremony (see below). The witnesses act as “notaries” who validate and give a public (as opposed to private) status to the marriage ceremony. Without the presence of two witnesses, a ceremony of Jewish marriage is invalid, even if a rabbi was present.

The presence of witnesses is required twice during the ceremony:

(1) qiddushin: When the groom gives the bride the ring, saying: “Behold you are consecrated to me as my wife, by this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel.”

(2) Ketuba: When the Ketuba is accepted by the bridegroom through the qinyan. The two witnesses also sign the Ketuba.

Although halakhically not necessary, in many communities it is customary for those who act as witnesses of the act of qiddushin to be also the witnesses of the qinyan and sign the Ketuba.

According to what we have explained earlier, that the witnesses actually validate the marriage ceremony, the reader will understand that one of the most important responsibilities of the rabbi who presides the wedding ceremony, perhaps the most critical responsibility, is to select the witnesses. Because if a witness is not suitable to act as such, the marriage is not valid.

We will see now some rules related to the assignation of the witnesses.

a. How many witnesses are needed? In the wedding ceremony two witnesses are needed. This is the general rule not only in the case of marriage but also for almost all legal acts (there are very few exceptions where the testimony of one witness is sufficient, for example, aguna). The rabbi who presides over the ceremony is in charge of assigning the witnesses, and he would usually ask the groom to reassign the witnesses he chose “to the exclusion of any other witness.” This is necessary because if someone were to act on his own as an additional eyewitness, and he is unfit to be a witness (for example, a relative of the bride or groom) the entire testimony and the wedding itself will be invalidated. That is why the groom has to assign explicitly the witnesses, usually by saying, atem tihyiu ‘eday, excluding any other person from functioning as an additional witness.

The Ketuba is the document that records the obligations of a Jewish husband toward his wife. Its text has three parts:

1. The date and place of the wedding and the names of the bride and groom (see KETUBA, Part 1).

2. The husband’s obligations toward his wife while they are married, summarized in the three principal biblical duties (see The Rights Of A Jewish Wife).

3. The financial obligations the husband assumes, in particular the monetary compensation his wife is to receive if, God forbid, the marriage is dissolved. This is in fact the most important section of the document and by far the longest, roughly 75% of the text. The amount is calculated from three elements:

1. Iqar Ketuba, the basic sum of the Ketuba.

2. The Nedunya, or dowry.

3. The Tosefet, or additions to the principal sum.

IQAR KETUBA: this is the sum Jewish law sets as the minimum compensation a woman is entitled to receive from her husband if the marriage is dissolved. There is a debate among the rabbis as to whether this compensation is biblical in origin (Rashi) or rabbinic (Maimonides). The sum, also called the mohar, is two hundred zuz. While the present-day monetary value of those two hundred zuz is disputed among contemporary authorities, in Talmudic times two hundred zuz was what a person needed to support himself for one year: food, clothing, lodging. In other words, it is the equivalent of a year’s basic wages.

NEDUNYA: the second element is the nedunya, often translated as “the dowry.” It includes all the valuables and assets the wife brings into the estate of her new family. The Ketuba gives as examples silver and gold items, jewelry, utensils, bedding, clothing. These are mentioned explicitly to show that the woman is not arriving at the marriage empty-handed. Technically the husband has the right to use the assets of the dowry if he needs to, but he accepts responsibility for any losses. These assets become for him what Talmudic Hebrew calls “iron sheep” (tson barzel), meaning that his financial responsibility for them never expires. So if the marriage is dissolved, the husband must restore to his wife the dowry recorded in the Ketuba, or its value, over and above the sum mentioned earlier.

Now, regardless of the actual value of the dowry, the ancient custom is to record the wife’s assets at the fixed sum of “one hundred pieces of silver” (mea zequqim dekhesef), which by some opinions, at today’s silver prices, would be roughly $17,000. That was the average value of what a bride brought in her dowry. Why record a uniform sum rather than what each bride actually brings? Jewish tradition holds that this uniformity avoids any distinction between a bride from a wealthy family and one who is not. It spares the embarrassment of the one and the ostentation of the other. So whatever the value of the dowry a bride brings into her marriage, the husband obligates himself to restore it, if the marriage is dissolved, at the fixed sum of one hundred pieces of silver.

TOSEFET: the third component is the voluntary additions. Two are normally added. First, the increment on the dowry, traditionally equal to the dowry itself: the husband doubles its value with another hundred pieces of silver. Second, there is an increment to the principal Ketuba that the husband pledges to his wife. In some communities the amount of this increment is stated in local currency. In others, to avoid mentioning sums of money at a wedding ceremony, the text says only that the husband will add an increment to the principal sum without specifying an amount. The figure is generally set according to local custom.

As the reader will understand, the money mentioned in the Ketuba has nothing to do with money the husband “pays for the bride” or to her family. Those are prejudices based on ignorance of what the Ketuba actually says. The Ketuba is a marriage insurance policy, in which the man declares that if the marriage is dissolved he will compensate his wife with a significant sum, restore the assets she and her family contributed, and add to that whatever additional increments local custom calls for.

THE KETUBA AS A COLLECTIBLE DEBT

עד שבא שמעון בן שטח ותיקן שיהא כותב לה: כל נכסי אחראין לכתובה (כתובות פ”ב)

The Ketuba, then, is similar to marriage insurance: if the marriage is dissolved, it establishes the sum the husband has to pay his wife as compensation. Its function is to protect her. Without the Ketuba, a divorced woman could be left alone and unprotected, as was the case in most non-Jewish civilizations until modern times. The Ketuba makes sure this does not happen to a Jewish woman. And at the same time, as the rabbis explained, it serves as a powerful deterrent against a husband making the rash decision to divorce his wife, knowing that if he does he takes on a serious financial burden.

Originally the Ketuba was more of a mohar, a gift or inheritance the husband voluntarily left his wife. This created a situation in which many women remained unmarried, out of fear that their husbands would leave them with nothing. For that reason a number of clauses were added at the end of the text so that it could be collected even if the husband did not have enough liquid assets to cover its value. The text states that if the husband does not have the money to compensate his wife in the event of divorce or death, his property will be seized and executed by the Bet Din, the rabbinical court, to pay the value of the Ketuba to his ex-wife or his widow.

This clause was established by Rabbi Shimon ben Shatah (120–40 BCE), who is credited with formulating, or reformulating, the Ketuba. In other words, he turned the Ketuba into a collectible debt rather than a voluntary gift or bequest. So after calculating the total compensation, the text lists a long series of clauses stating that all real property (qarqa) and movable possessions (metaltelim) are mortgaged to this Ketuba. The groom commits to paying the Ketuba even with “the shirt on his shoulders.” And he commits that the Ketuba will be binding on his heirs, who may not necessarily be his wife’s children, during his lifetime and after it.

THE SIGNING OF THE KETUBA

Finally, the Ketuba is signed by two witnesses. But before that, it is formally and legally accepted by the husband through a legal procedure called qinyan. The qinyan is done as a barter (qinyan sudar or halifin), an exchange in which goods or services are traded for other goods or services. Here the officiating rabbi hands the groom an object — usually a handkerchief, a pen, or anything else except food or coins — and the groom declares qibbalti alay beqinyan…, “I formally accept upon myself all the obligations of the Ketuba.” Then, lifting the object he received from the rabbi, the groom acquires it, and in exchange transfers the rights of the Ketuba to his wife.

After the qinyan is performed, the Ketuba, which is written from the point of view of the witnesses, states VEQANINAN… “And we have acquired (that is, we have witnessed the procedure of acquisition, or qinyan) from the groom… to the bride… and we attest that all is valid and confirmed (sharir veqayam).” These last words are the rabbinic formula indicating that the document is complete, so nothing further may be added to the text of the Ketuba except the signatures of the two witnesses and of the groom.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton

The word Ketuba means “document.” Despite what many people assume, the Ketuba is not a contract between husband and wife. It is the document that sets out the obligations of the husband toward his wife while they are married, and the provisions that protect her financially if the marriage is dissolved or if the husband dies. In that last sense the Ketuba is a marriage insurance policy, where the beneficiary is the wife and the benefactor is the husband. It is not strictly a contract, since the wife’s obligations toward her husband are not recorded in it. For that reason the Ketuba is signed by the husband and two witnesses, but not by the wife.

Now that we understand what it is, let us go through the text itself. The Ketuba is divided into three parts.

FIRST PART: THE DATE, THE PLACE, AND THE NAMES

The Ketuba records, first of all, the basic information any legal document would include: the date of the wedding, the city and state where it takes place, and the names of the bride and groom.

If we were writing a Ketuba today in Yerushalayim, it would read: “On the fourth day of the week (Wednesday), the thirtieth day of the month of Sivan, which is the first day of Rosh Hodesh Tamuz, in the year 5775 from the creation of the world, in the city of Yerushalayim…”

Next come the names of the couple. First the groom’s name followed by his father’s name — for example, YOSEF BEN YAAQOB — and the family name. It must also be noted whether he is a Kohen or a Levi. Then the bride’s name and her father’s name, likewise noting Kohen or Levi.

In addition, and especially outside of Israel, the names of the couple and their parents must be written in English, Spanish, or whatever the local language is. If the groom’s Hebrew name is YOSEF but everyone calls him “Joseph,” the Ketuba will read YOSEF DEMITQARE JOSEPH, that is, “Yosef, also known as Joseph.”

The names of the bride, the groom, and their parents have to be written with extreme care. The rabbi who writes the Ketuba must know not only how to spell the Hebrew names correctly, but also how to render non-Hebrew names in Hebrew letters, which is sometimes tricky, since not every consonant or diphthong has an exact Hebrew equivalent.

The first part of the Ketuba also states the bride’s previous marital status. If she has not been married before, the Ketuba says betulta. Some communities simply write kalata, “the bride.” If the bride is a widow or divorcee, the Ketuba must record it: metarakhta or armelata — divorcee or widow — in Aramaic, the language of the Ketuba.

SECOND PART: THE HUSBAND’S OBLIGATIONS

The second part sets out the husband’s obligations toward his wife. The groom declares that he is legally taking her as his wife “according to the law of Moshe and Israel,” which means he accepts all the responsibilities of a Jewish husband.

The Torah established the three principal duties of a husband toward his wife (Shemot 21:10):

1. she-erah: providing his wife with food.
2. kesutah: providing her with clothing and shelter.
3. onatah: living with her.

These three obligations are explained in detail, with Maimonides’ illustrations, in MISHPATIM: The Rights Of A Jewish Wife.

THIRD PART: THE FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS

The third part, which is the longest section of the document, sets out the monetary compensation the wife receives if the marriage is dissolved, and the clauses that make the Ketuba a collectible debt. It is explained in KETUBA (Part 2): The financial obligations and the signing.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton

Immediately after the ceremony of the giving of the ring (qiddushin) the groom wears a Talit (a prayer shawl). The custom is to use a new Talit, usually given to the groom by the bride. If it is still daylight time, the groom should recite two blessings: lehit’atef betsitsit and Sheheheyanu. If it’s already nighttime, he would recite only one blessing: Sheheheyanu.

According to rabbi Obadia Yosef, if the Hupa takes place during the day, the groom wears the Talit in the same way he wears it every morning: first, covering his head with it (‘atifa) and then, placing it on his shoulder. If the wedding takes place during the night, then the groom does not need to cover himself with the Talit.

After that, and in both cases, the talit is placed over (or “on”, depending on the custom ) the heads of the groom and the bride (Yalqut Yosef p. 136).

Before wearing the Talit, the groom pronounces the blessing Sheheheyanu. This is a blessing of praise to HaShem for the privilege of being able to live a particular new happy occasion. When the groom says this blessing for his new Talit, he has to bear in mind that he is also giving gratitude to HaShem for the merit of his new wife, his new home, etc.

Why does the groom use a Talit during the Hupa?

Rabbi Obadia Yosef mentions many reasons (and pesuqim, see Yalqut Yosef p. 132). One of them is that the Tora mentions the Mitsva of Tsitsit, next to the Mitvsa of marriage ( Debarim 22:12, marriage; 22:13, Tsitsit). It is interesting to notice that, because of this reason, whereas in Sephardic and German Jewish communities it is customary that a Jewish boy wears the Talit once he becomes Bar-Mitzva (or even before), in Eastern European Jewish communities it is customary for the Jewish man to begin wearing the Talit only after he gets married.

In his book “Made in Heaven” Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan mentions a very original reason. He explains that the Talit is given to the groom by the bride as a token of reciprocity for receiving a ring from him. “Just as the wedding ring symbolizes that she is bound to him, to the exclusion of all other men, the Talit symbolizes that he is bound to her, to the exclusion of all other women” .

After the groom wears the Talit and recites Sheheheyanu, the Ketuba is read.

Tomorrow, BH, we will begin to explain what a Ketuba is.

Previously, we explained that the Jewish wedding consists of two steps: Qiddushin and Hupa, which today are integrated into one single ceremony.

We will begin by describing the Qiddushin.

THE RABBI: There could be many Rabbis invited to participate of the wedding, but the bride and groom should appoint one Rabbi to be the mesadder qiddushin, the Rabbi who would preside over the ceremony. This Rabbi will be responsible for the order of the wedding and for all the legal aspects of the wedding. Among other things: 1. Verifying previous to the marriage the Jewishness of the bride and the groom. 2. Preparing and writing the Ketuba. 3. Appointing or approving the witnesses (this will be explained later on). etc. The Rabbi mesadder qiddushin recites the first two blessings, known as “birkat irusin”.

BIRKAT IRUSIN: Holding a cup of wine in his hand the rabbi would say first: “Bore Peri haGefen” (Blessed are You, HaShem, the Creator of the product of the vineyard). The main Mitsva of the wedding ceremony is “happiness”, i.e., to make the groom and his bride happy. Wine represents happiness, as it says in Tehilim (Psalms 104) “and wine would make man’s heart happy” (see video below for another original explanation). The second berakha says: meqaddesh amo Israel ‘al yede hupa bekiddushin. “Blessed are You HaShem, our God, Who consecrate us with His commandments … and allowed us to be married by the Hupa with the Qiddushin”, which is a blessing by which we praise HaShem for establishing in His Tora the institution of marriage, for the sake of preserving our morality and the sanctity of the Jewish family.

After reciting these two blessings, the Rabbi drinks from the wine, gives the cup of wine to the groom, and after the groom tastes the wine, the cup is given to the bride’s mother and she gives it to her daughter. One of the reasons that the mother, and not the groom, brings the cup to the bride, is that at this moment (the betrothal/qiddushin) the bride is still more “the daughter of her parents” than “the wife of her husband”.

THE RING: Once the Rabbi who presides the wedding pronounces the first two blessings, the ceremony of qiddushin takes place. The consecration of the bride is done by the means of a qinyan, a legal process by which the bride and the groom are officially engaged. Technically, this qinyan could be done in a different ways. For example, by the groom giving the bride a document (shetar) that states his intention to betroth her in accordance to Jewish Law. Alternatively, it could be done by the groom giving to the bride anything of a minimal value. However, in most communities the custom in our days is that the qinyan qiddushin is performed by giving a ring, he wedding band, to the bride (to the best of my knowledge, the only exception is the Syrian community in NY, where the qiddushin many times is done with a silver coin instead of a ring).
The ring to be used at the qiddushin should be plain without any stones or accessories. The ring needs to belong to the groom. This is the reason why he Rabbi would normally ask the groom about the ownership of the ring, making sure that the ring belongs to the groom, and he has not giving it yet to the bride, etc.
During the ceremony there is no exchange of rings between the bride and the groom. It is only the groom who gives a ring to the bride. The groom consecrates the bride as his wife, and the bride consecrates herself to the groom. Exchanging rings at the ceremony would be an imitation of a gentile ceremony. In many communities, however, the groom would wear his ring, if he wishes to do so, before the Hupa begins.

Maimonides explains that the institution of marriage is a Biblical innovation (MT Hilkhot Ishut 1:1). Before the Tora was given to the Jewish people, he says, a man would find a woman, bring her to his home and they would live together and bring children without any public commitment or formal ceremony. Also, since in ancient times there was no institution of marriage there was no formal process of divorce. If one of them wished to leave the family, he or she could do so at any moment.

The Tora established the Mitsva of marriage: when a man and a woman wish to live together, first, they should get married . This is learned from the Pasuq in Debarim 22:13 “When a man takes (=marries) a woman …” .

Jewish marriage is a ceremony of a public nature and therefore it requires the presence of two witnesses. It is also an accepted standard that, in normal circumstances, the wedding will be held in the presence of at least a Minyan, ten adult men.

The wedding consists of two steps: qiddushin (or irusin) and hupa (or nisuin). The first one, qiddushin is the formal and legal betrothal or engagement (not to be confused with the proposal/engagement we do today). The qiddushin is done mainly to seal the formal commitment to getting married. The qiddushin is performed by a legal process called qinyan (lit. acquisition) . The standard custom today is doing this qinyan by giving a ring to the bride. Although, in some Syrian communities, following a very ancient custom, the groom gives the bride a silver coin instead of a ring. When the groom gives the ring to the bride, he consecrates her saying: “Behold, you are consecrated to me (to be my wife ), with this ring, according to the law of Moshe and Israel”. Upon receiving the ring, the two are formally engaged. However, the couple still cannot live together. They will be considered formally married only after the Hupa.

It is very important to mention that in Talmudic and pre-Talmudic times, this first step of the wedding, or qiddushin, was celebrated usually one year before the actual wedding ceremony or Hupa took place. During that year between the qiddushin and the Hupa the couple was formally engaged but not married. They would still live each in his or her parents home. Still, the woman was considered me-orasa or formally betrothed. Thus, if the couple decided to disolve the qiddushin, the process of a formal divorce was required.

The year between the qiddushin and the hupa was consecrated to building the new house, preparing the wedding dresses, the food and everything needed for the Hupa and for the seven-days party which follows the Hupa (sheba berakhot). That year also served to strengthen and build up the relationship between the bride and the groom in the spiritual and emotional realms, in anticipation for their intimate life as husband and wife.

This year period between the qiddushin and the Hupa is not in practice anymore. In our days, the qiddushin is done under the Hupa, as part of the same ceremony. Why? There were many practical issues that demanded this change. For example, the persecutions Jews suffered in exile. Imagine if the groom had to run away to save his life. If that happened, the bride, who was now in a state of betrothed-but-not-married, will not be able to marry to someone else in the future because she needed now a GET, a formal divorce bill, from her groom. Because of this and similar circumstances, we do now the qiddushin and the Hupa at the same time.

Today, the Jewish wedding ceremony consists of the giving of the ring (qiddushin) and the Hupa. These two steps are now completely integrated, and most people would not know or realize that, formally, these are two different ceremonies.

In many Jewish communities the bride and groom fast on their wedding day, until the Hupa. The reason is that according to the Talmud Yerushalmi (Bikurim 3:3), on the day a person marries, all his sins are forgiven. The wedding day is, in that sense, a personal Yom Kippur, and the fast is the expression of repentance and atonement that such a day calls for.

Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains it this way: with marriage a person begins a new stage of life. Marriage means a complete change of lifestyle, and the couple is given the chance to begin it with a clean soul. The love they feel for each other on their wedding day can undo whatever misdirected passion they may have had in the past. And they also fast looking forward, to merit the Divine guidance that will let them get through whatever problems come.

In Ashkenazic communities this fast is taken very seriously.

THE SEPHARDIC CUSTOM

In most Sephardic communities, by contrast, the custom is not to fast.

Rabbi Obadia Yosef is explicit about this and advises Sephardic couples not to fast. Other Sephardic rabbis go further and forbid it outright. The reason is practical and it is common sense: the bride and groom need to be strong enough to handle the pressure of the day, the ceremony, and the celebration. A groom who has not eaten, after a sleepless night and with all the tension of that day, is in no condition to enjoy his own wedding.

And the underlying argument is the one that interests me most: the process of Teshuba does not depend on fasting. It can be achieved just as well by devoting that important day to Torah study and Tefila.

Rabbi Obadia Yosef adds a suggestion for couples who still want to do something. Instead of a fast from food, he proposes a taanit dibbur, a “fast of words.” Watching what you say that day, not talking too much, not speaking badly of anyone. And he is right that for most of us, that is harder than not eating.

THE VIDUY

In many communities, both Ashkenazic and Sephardic, the bride and groom recite the Viduy, the confession, before the Hupa, using the text of the Minha service of Yom Kippur or something similar.

That is the heart of this custom: not the restriction of food, but the fact that two people stand, each one separately, a few hours before getting married, and take an accounting of their life up to that point. And then walk out and start over.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton

Everyone knows what a wedding costs. And everyone knows a young couple who pushed off the date because the numbers did not work. It turns out our Sages thought about this, and the solution they built is one of the most ingenious institutions in Judaism. It is called shushbinut, and it survives today shrunk down into something much smaller: the best man.

SHIMSHON’S THIRTY

The word shushbin already appears in Tanakh. When Shimshon married, thirty young men were brought to be the close members of his wedding party (Shofetim 14:11). In Talmudic times the wedding feast was held as a communal meal, and those who took part were called shushbinim.

So far this sounds like an old word for “the groom’s friends.” It was not.

A COMMON FUND AMONG FRIENDS

Maimonides describes it plainly in the Mishne Torah, in the laws of Zekhiya uMatana. The custom in every land, he writes, is that when a man marries, his friends and acquaintances send him money to help him cover the expenses of the wedding. Those same friends who sent the gift then have the right to come and eat and drink with the groom during the week of celebrations. Those who sent the money are called shushbinim.

And here is what changes everything. That money was not a gift. It was a loan with a very particular due date: the day the friend himself would marry.

The groom who received the money is legally obligated to return the same sum when each of his friends’ turn comes. And “legally” means legally: the Talmud (Bava Batra 145a) establishes that shushbinut is a debt collectible in Bet Din. If the friend does not pay up, he can be sued. And there is more: it is one of the few debts the Shemita year does not cancel, because it has not yet come due.

In other words: a group of young friends, none of whom can afford a wedding on his own, builds a revolving fund together. The first to marry receives from everyone. Then he pays back, one at a time, as each of the others marries. Nobody is left out, and nobody has to pay it all at once.

THE RULES OF THE GAME

The Talmud works out the details with a seriousness that is surprising. Rav Kahana lays down the general rule: if the man who owed the shushbinut was in town when his friend married, he should have come. If he was nearby and heard the sound of the drum announcing the wedding, he should have come. If he was far away and did not hear it, the groom should have notified him; and if he did not, the friend has a legitimate grievance… but he still has to pay.

There is one legal consequence of all this that says a great deal. The Mishna (Sanhedrin 3:5) rules that a shushbin is disqualified from testifying in a case involving the groom. Why? Because the relationship is too close. Being someone’s shushbin was a public declaration of deep friendship, with consequences in a court of law.

WHAT IS LEFT OF ALL THIS

Today we have far more than thirty guests at a wedding, and the word shushbin has narrowed down to a single person: the one who stands at the groom’s or the bride’s side, takes care of their needs on the day, announces the honors at the ceremony, and makes sure everything runs smoothly. A brother, a cousin, the closest friend. What in English is called the best man.

What got lost along the way is the most interesting part: that being a shushbin was not a decorative honor but a financial commitment, and that the community had a binding, enforceable mechanism to make sure no couple had to give up on marrying for lack of money.

Sometimes it is worth looking at what our grandparents did before deciding we already know everything.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton

At a Jewish wedding, the moment the groom hands the ring to the bride is not a romantic gesture or a formality. It is the legal act that creates the marriage. Everything else — the Ketuba, the blessings, the party — comes afterward. That is why Jewish law has so much to say about that ring: what it should be made of, what it should look like, and who it has to belong to.

WHY A RING?

The first thing to understand is that the ring is not required. The Torah never mentions it. Qiddushin is performed by giving the bride something of monetary value, and the minimum the law demands is one peruta, the smallest coin in circulation in Talmudic times. The amount is deliberately tiny, so that no man would be prevented from marrying for lack of money.

So the ring is a custom, not an obligation. A very old custom: Tosafot (Kiddushin 9a) suggests that a ring may already have been used for this purpose in biblical times. And it was never universal. Some Syrian and Iraqi communities used a silver coin instead of a ring, and the Syrian Jewish community of New York still does. In Georgia the custom was to place the ring inside a cup.

Why did the ring win out? For a very simple reason: a ring is worn all the time. It is a permanent reminder of the commitment, unlike a coin, which ends up in a drawer.

There is an image here I find beautiful. Our Sages compared the covenant between God and Israel to a marriage. And every morning, when a Jew puts on Tefillin, he winds the strap around his middle finger and says ve’erastikh li le’olam, “I will betroth you to Me forever.” The same gesture, on the same finger, meaning the same thing.

GOLD, SILVER, AND NO STONES

The common custom is a gold ring. But there is a rule far more important than the material, and it explains everything else: the value of the ring has to be obvious at a glance.

The reason is legal, not aesthetic. Qiddushin is not performed with the ring as an object but with its monetary value. For the act to be valid, the bride must be able to know, at the moment she receives it, what it is she is receiving. Three practical consequences follow:

1. The metal cannot be disguised. No gold-plated rings that are really made of something else. What it looks like has to be what it is.

2. No stones. This is the best-known rule and the one that surprises brides most. A stone is a “blind” object: you cannot determine its value by looking at it. A diamond might be worth a hundred dollars or a hundred thousand, and no one can tell just by seeing it. So the qiddushin ring is plain.

3. No engravings or designs. For the same reason: an inscription or fine metalwork can change the value of the ring in ways that are not easy to calculate.

Some add another reason for avoiding a stone, and it is a very Jewish one: so as not to embarrass the groom who cannot afford one. If everyone uses a plain ring, nobody is exposed. It is the same principle behind recording a uniform sum in every Ketuba, without distinguishing between brides from wealthy families and brides who are not.

One practical clarification. In my community we ask couples to bring a plain ring, but if by mistake they bring an engraved one, we use it without any problem.

THE RING HAS TO BELONG TO THE GROOM

You cannot give as qiddushin something that does not belong to you. That is why the officiating rabbi normally asks the groom, in front of everyone, whom the ring belongs to. It is not an empty formality: he is verifying that the ring is in fact the groom’s, and that he has not already given it to the bride before the ceremony. If the ring was already hers, there is nothing to hand over, and there is no qiddushin.

ONE MORE REASON

There is an additional explanation, brought by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, for why a ring was chosen and not some other object. In the Torah, handing over a ring is the gesture of transferring authority. Pharaoh gave his ring to Yosef. Ahashverosh gave his to Haman, and later to Esther. In each case the king was delegating his power over the kingdom.

When a man gives a ring to his wife, he is symbolically doing the same thing: giving her authority over his home and over everything he owns. From that moment on, everything in their lives is shared.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton