How to honor our parents?

17th of Cheshvan, 5771

‘Honor your father and your mother… ” (Shemot 20.12)

This is the Fifth of the 10 Commandments.

It is the first of the 10 Commandments that deals with our responsibilities toward others.

Unlike ‘respecting’ parents (‘to obey them’, see previous HOTD) this commandment is primarily directed to adults – not to children.

Honoring parents refers to the care and attention we should provide our parents when they are old and need our assistance. Normally, this commandment takes place after the children become husbands, wives and parents themselves and their parents become dependents.

The rabbis explain that this Mitzva consists in helping and assisting one’s parents in practical ways, as much as we can.

If they are sick or weak and need help to eat, we should feed them. If they need help to get dress, or to clean themselves, or to walk, or to go to the doctor, etc., we should assist them.

Think about it: feeding, getting dress, walking, going to the doctor: those are precisely the things our parents did for us when we were children.

Now, when they depend on us, God Almighty commands us to take care of them and help them. It is very important to remember that Kabod means ‘dignity’. Thus, this Mitzvah means to dignify one’s father and mother, to keep their dignity. Therefore, when assisting the parents one should be very careful and mindful to preserve their dignity and never become what the Talmud critically calls ‘a parent to his own parents’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How did Rabbi Tarfon honor his elderly mother? [http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?llr=jp7o69dab&et=1103827239583&s=705&e=001ZUpcO4R0wYkj6062GsVDNWDJ2LCn32cQ2hzrRXbz71mThK-GdxDwNGVqBw0CtzHKCKLcQ3m44HKWMTKFApBr0M0mJQWVIu3FmKzBPjTWDodUStbtCGjHoiSfFB3CWbvRuH67CflEEB_xmEBrKdT4IAKtlyZu21zH

DJ2LCn32cQ2hzrRXbz71mThKGdxDwNGVqBw0CtzHKCKLcQ3m44HKWMTK

FApBr0M0mJQWVIu3FmKzBPjTWDodUStbtCGjHoiSfFB3CWbvRuH67CflEE

B_xmEBrKdT4IAKtlyZu21zH]

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024

‘My father’s honor is not for sale’

10th of Cheshvan, 5771

Respecting one’s parents means: avoiding anything which would bother them or would make them feel uncomfortable.

For example, it is forbidden to wake up one’s parents from their sleep. Unless the son knows that waking them up will be for their own benefit-if they have to take an important medicine- or if the parents asked the son to wake them up, he should not disturb his parents’ sleep.

The Talmud illustrates this rule with the story of Dama ben Netina, a gentile:

‘It happened once that one of the precious stones fell out of the High Priest’s breastplate, and was lost. Seeking a replacement, the sages were referred to Dama ben Netina who had the exact jewel they sought. They offered him 100 dinar (gold coins), and Dama accepted their offer. When he went to fetch the jewel, he discovered that he could not access it without waking his father up. So he returned and informed his clients that he could not provide them with the expensive jewel. Assuming that he was trying to renegotiate the price, they increased the offer until they reached a sum of 1000 dinar. When his father finally woke up, he brought them the jewel. When the sages gave him the 1000 dinar Dama refused, and he only took 100 dinar as they had initially agreed, saying: “Do you think I would sell the honor of my father for gold coins? I refuse to derive any material benefit from having honored my father!”.

Dama ben Netina is both, an example of respect for his parents, because he refused to wake him up, and an extraordinary example of honor and integrity, because he declined to extract a material benefit from honoring his father.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024

Naming your baby after your parents.

As we’ve explained, there are two Mitzvot which regulate our relationship with our parents: ‘yir’a’ -respect- what we cannot do to our parents, and ‘kabod’, what we should do to honor them.

‘Names’ are a good example of the dynamics of these two Mitzvot.

on the one hand, there is a strict prohibition to call our parents by their name. We have to address them as ‘Father’, ‘Mother’. The Sephardic Minhag was to address the parents in the third person, when language allows it (similar to the English: “Your honor’, or “Your majesty” “, when addressing a judge or a King!).

According to the Ashkenazi tradition, this restriction includes ‘to mention’ one’s parent’s name, even when calling somebody else. For example; if my father’s name is Yaakob and a friend of mine is called Yaakob, I shouldn’t call my friend by his name in the presence of my father, because it will ‘sound’ disrespectful to mention my father’s first name in his presence, even when addressing somebody else.

Naming one’s children after the parents is considered one of the highest ways of paying honor (kabod) to the parents. It is an ancient tradition, very carefully kept in Sephardic communities.

The Ashkenazi tradition, however, is NOT to name one’s children after one’s parents, while the parents are alive. Why? Because if one names his son Yaakob, like his father, every time he will address his son by his name in the presence of his father, it will be considered disrespectful.

This rule explains the difference between Sepharadim and Ashkenazim in this very important
tradition.

KIBBUD HORIM: Love and authority

26th of Tishri, 5771

HONORING ONE’S PARENTS:The difference between ‘respect’ and ‘honor’.

Two Mitzvot regulate children/parents relationship. The first one is kabbed et abikha ve-et imekha “Honor your father and your mother”.
This important Mitzva is the fifth of the Ten Commandments. There is a second Mitzva (vaikra-Leviticus- 19, 3) ish immo veabiv tira’u “A man should fear/respect his mother and his father”. These two Mitzvot are different from each other and actually supplement each other.

‘Honoring‘ includes all what we must do for our parents: watch them, and if necessary feed them and help them to get dress; take them out; drive them to the doctor, etc. In other words: take good care of them. ‘Honoring’ is a function of ‘love’.

‘Respect’, on the other side, is about what we are not allowed to do to our parents: we can’t call our parents by their name, we can’t sit in their seat; we can’t contradict them, etc. ‘Respecting’ our parents is a recognition of their ‘authority’.In a practical sense, the Mitzva of ‘respect’ applies mainly when we are young and we depend on our parents. A Jewish child observes a system of discipline and behavior which trains him to accept a higher authority.

The second Mitzva applies mainlywhen our parents are older, and (or when) they depend on us. We have a direct obligation to take good care of them. This Mitzva emphasizes the duty of gratitude and payback for those who fed us, dressed us, and took care of us when we were children.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC 130 Steamboat Rd. Great Neck NY 11024

HONORING OUR PARENTS: Showing respect

Today is the 29^th of Av, 5770

Last week we described the two Mitzvot which regulates parents/children relationship: ‘honoring parents’ and ‘respecting parents’.

Respecting parents is a way of establishing clear lines: “I am the parent and you are the child. We are not equals”. This distance is absolutely necessary for the child, not for the parents’ ego. These principles set up the boundaries of authority, without which a child cannot be educated.

*A child should not sit in a place that is designated for his father or mother. For example, in his mother’s seat at the dinner table or at his father’s special easy chair, or at his father seat in the Synagogue or at work.

This rule applies even when the parents are not present there or are not going to sit in that place.

If there is no fixed place for the parent to sit, then the son/daughter can sit anywhere. In my house, for instance, we eat dinner in the kitchen during weekdays and I would not sit in the same place all the time.

*There is another very important Mitzva: to stand up in respect when your father or mother comes into the room. Or, if the parent is talking to his child, it’s considered disrespectful for the son to sit while his parent is standing.

As a general rule, a parent has the right to suspend his ‘honor’ and allow his child to sit or not to stand up, etc.

HONORING ONE’S PARENTS: The difference between ‘respect’ and ‘honor’.

Today is the 22^nd of Av, 5770

In The Torah there are two Mitzvot which regulate children/parents relationship. The first one is kabbed et abikha ve-et imekha “Honor your father and your mother”.

This important Mitzva is the fifth of the Ten Commandments. There is a second Mitzva (vaikra –Leviticus- 19, 3) ish immo veabiv tira’u “A man should fear/respect his mother and his father”. These two Mitzvot are different from each other and actually complement each other.

‘Honoring’ includes all what we must do for our parents: watch them and when necessary feed them and help them to get dress, take them out, drive them, etc. In other words: take good care of them.

‘Respect’, on the other side, is about what we are not allowed to do to our parents: we can’t call our parents by their name, we can’t sit in their seat, we can’t contradict them, etc.

In a practical sense, the Mitzvah of ‘respect’ applies mainly when we are young and we depend on our parents. A Jewish child observes a strict system of discipline and behavior which trains him to accept authority.

The second Mitzva, honoring, applies mainly when our parents are older, and (or when) they depend on us. We have a direct obligation to take good care of them. This Mitzva emphasizes the duty of gratitude and payback for those who fed us, dressed us, and took care of us when we were children.