Yesterday we explained that when somebody apologizes for an offense or for a wrong thing he or she did to us, we should be willing to forgive and also forget. After all, we are asking from God to forgive us: taking the fist step will be the best way to demonstrate that we deserve to be forgiven (see here).

I was asked by a reader of HOTD yesterday: Can we unilaterally forgive or should we wait for a request for forgiveness?

There is a fundamental difference between asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. As the reader (D.A.) hinted, granting forgiveness can be done unilaterally. It is nice if the offender comes and apologizes. But sometimes people have too much psychological barriers or pride (i.e., low self esteem) or shyness, which impairs them from the possibility of taking charge and ask forgiveness.

And then, we still can forgive.

How and why?

In the Talmud, Megila 28a, we read that R. Nechunya ben haQana, who was very old, was asked by his disciples: “In virtue of what have you reached such a good old age? He quoted the verse. ‘Nor did the curse of my fellow go up on my bed with me’. This is illustrated by Mor Zutra, who, [every night] when going to bed would say: I forgive all those who have offended me”.

This unilateral and unrequested forgiveness released Rabbi Nechunya from hatred and resentment and it impacted positively the length (and I would guess also the quality) of his life.  I’m sure it might work for us as well!

There is a beautiful prayer, inspired by the example of Mor Zutra, found in any prayer book which is recited as part of the reading of the Shema Israel before going to sleep. When said with the proper understanding it helps us to cultivate the habit of forgiveness and prepares us emotionally for such a difficult task. (See below).

“Master of the Universe; Behold, I forgive anyone who angered or offended me, whether it was directed toward my person or my money or my honor or anything which pertains to me. [I forgive them] whether the action was performed by total accident or willingly, through neglect or premeditation, whether it was done through speech or physical action. [I forgive them and I request You]: may no person be punished because of me…”

Maimonides gives the example of a man who was involved in an illicit relationship and later on repents. The ultimate test of his repentance would take place if that man is eventually faced with a similar opportunity but now he refrains from repeating the transgression because of his new understanding and remorse.

However, if that man is not faced again with similar circumstances as those leading to his earlier sin (he definitely should not seek them!) or if he faces a similar scenario but now he refrains from sinning because he suspects somebody will find out about his affair, his Teshuba is still accepted. But it is not a perfectTeshuba. Why? because this man might now have changed not because of his conscience, but because of the new circumstances.

A modern example: Sometimes we read in the news about famous people caught doing immoral things. Almost invariably, they would come in front of the cameras and publicly repent and apologize for what they have done. That act is definitely an act of repentance. However, it is at least questionable in terms of its credibility and genuineness, since the whole process of repentance happened as a consequence of having been caught. It cannot be known if they would have really repented from their wrongdoing had they not been caught…

Following Maimonides, the perfect repentance in this case would take place when, while still involved in an illicit relationship or other immoral act, and with no external impediment to continue with it, one decides out of his own conscience (not because of the media!), to stop, repent and change.

That is a perfect and credible Teshuba.

“All the commandments of the Tora, when a person transgress a prohibition or when he fails to perform a positive commandment… when he regrets….”.

Normally, we think of Teshuba/repentance as regretting our mistakes, flaws, misdeeds, etc. But according to Maimonides’ statement we also, or primarily, need to regret what we have notdone. We are accountable not just for our actions but also for our inaction and idleness. For not doing all the good and right things we should have done.

Many times, when I’ve visited in the Hospital patients who knew they will die soon (and they were conscious) I’ve seen that they do not focus their regret on the mistakes they might have made. Rather, at those most sacred last moments, when their whole life lies in front of them and there is not more time to change anything, invariably, I found out, people regret the good things they should have done and they didn’t do. The many opportunities they’ve missed to make a change. Big or small. At these moments, when they realize more than ever the preciousness of time, they regret to have waisted so much of it in material-fruitless efforts instead of giving more, helping more, fighting for what is right and getting closer to God.  People regret they have missed their full potential.  The greater the person or the highest position or the power that person had, the bigger the feeling of frustration for having missed so many opportunities to impact positively his own life and the life of others.

Following this simple idea, Teshuba implies, first of all, the realization of our talents. Taking charge and being responsible for maximizing our potential to make a change, to give, to inspire and to come closer to God.