TESHUBA ¿Is It OK To Feel Shame?

כיצד מתוודה? אומר אנא ה ‘חטאתי עוויתי פשעתי לפניך, ועשיתי כך וכך, והרי ניחמתי ובושתי במעשיי, ולעולם איני חוזר לדבר זה

For Maimonides it is necessary to be specific when you verbalize your wrongdoing or mistakes. Additionally, we need to express (and/or awake) two specific feelings during our confession: “regret” and “shame”  The Viduy is not a mechanical and cold verbal confession, lips service. It must be accompanied by sincere feelings of remorse.

But why should we feel ashamed?

Our rabbis said that “shame” is one of the three elements of the Jewish people’s emotional make-up. They explained that a Jew inherits “genetically” three qualities. 1. A Jew is innately shy and easily feels embarrassed (bayshanim). 2. Jews are innately benevolent (gomle hesed) and 3. Compassionate (rachmanim). The rabbis of the Talmud were so confident about these “genetic character traits” that they claimed if a Jew does not have one of these three characteristics “their ancestors were not present at Mount Sinai” (a euphemism to say that such individual might not be ethnically Jewish).

In addition to considering “shame” as an innate condition of the Jewish character –in contradiction to the “chutzpah” that is supposedly attributed to the Jews– our Hakhamim indicated that “shame” is a necessary step for our Teshuba or repentance.

Maimonides writes that when an individual commits a sin against God, he should confess and say “… I am ashamed of my wrong actions.” The feeling of shame is a critical step in the process os sincere Teshuba. Why? Because unlike the feelings of “guilt” which is intimate and private, we feel “shame” when we know that our bad deeds are known by others. Therefore, feeling “shame” while reciting the Viduy (= confession) before God, means that we really feel the Presence of God at that very moment. HaShem is invisible, and it is extremely difficult to be aware of His constant presence. Therefore, we do not easily feel ashamed when we do something wrong privately, because we are not in front of other people. Now, feeling ashamed of our sins when we are in private before God,  means that we have reached a very high level of Emuna (faith); it means that we have clarity regarding His existence. And that His presence is as real to us as the physical presence of other individuals.

This idea, feeling the Presence of God at the same level that we feel the presence of other people, was famously expressed by Ribbi Yohanan ben Zakai. When his students came to visit him on his deathbed, he blessed them saying: יהי רצון שתהא עליכם מורא שמים כמורא בשר ודם, “I wish you would fear and respect God as you fear and respect men.” His students were puzzled and asked their master:  “And no more than that?” And Ribbi Yohanan explained that feeling the presence of God with the same clarity that we feel the presence of other individuals, demonstrates a very high level of faith.

The greater our awareness of the Presence of God, the greater the feeling of shame that we will feel when we confess our sins to Him. And vice versa.



HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:10. Why should we forgive? (part 7)

Mishne Tora , Hilkhot Teshuba: Chapter 2, Halakha 10.
“It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to forgive … when someone approaches him asking forgiveness, he must forgive him with all his heart and with a positive spirit … without seeking revenge or hold a grudge … this it is the attitude of the descendants of Israel [zera ‘Israel] “

The days of Elul are days of Teshuba. I have to apologize to HaShem for any transgression that I could have done against His Tora, voluntarily or involuntarily.

I must also apologize to my colleagues, friends and family for any offenses or damage I could have caused.

And I have to be willing to forgive.

True “forgiveness” includes the ability to forget. I must remember the lessons I’ve learned from all my negative experiences, which will help me to grow emotionally. But I must do everything possible to erase the desire for revenge, resentment, and feelings of hatred that might be nesting inside me, and which I’m not realizing.

Forgiving does not mean that I justify the bad or terrible things that another person did to me or told me. It does not mean that I have to suppress all my feelings or thoughts about the bitter experience. What it does mean is that when I forgive, I take emotional distance from what happened and rescue the positive elements I’ve learned.

I must realize that when I do not forgive, I’m causing great harm to myself. If I do not remove from my mind the feelings of animosity toward the offender, I’m allowing that person –his image and the negative memories associated with him– to hijack my feelings, my thoughts and my heart (in some cases: my entire life!). When I do not forgive, in some cases and without realizing it, I’m perpetuating myself in the role of a victim, and I do not allow myself to move on. Or worse, unconsciously I might turn my resentment into anger, and thus I would become and irritable person. Everything and everyone makes me angry and makes me lose my patience…

It is true that forgiveness is good for the one who offended me because I am generously offering him or her the opportunity for reconciliation. But surely, who benefits most from forgiveness is ME, the victim, the one who was offended. By forgiving, I get rid of my self-destructive feelings; I begin to heal mentally, and I regain control of my emotional stability.

Forgiving is a very complex psychological act, and sometimes it is emotionally arduous. But in these days of Teshuba, when I’m asking HaShem to grant me His forgiveness, I must be willing to forgive those who have offended me.

I cannot expect be forgiven by God if I’m not able to forgive others
.

(Clarification: in this Halakha I’m referring to forgiving minor offenses, in particular, social grievances. That is, when a friend, a family member or a neighbor, said something negative about me or did something that hurt me or offended me, etc. I’m referring to crimes, acts of terrorism, etc.)

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:10. Teshuba via email (part 6)

אין התשובה ויום הכפורים מכפרים אלא על עבירות שבין אדם למקום

Teshuba, repentance for what we did wrong, can happen in two separate areas. First, with “ritual” offenses . This category includes, for example, when one transgresses the Shabbat or Holidays or does not care about the laws of kashrut, or when we disconnect from God, we do not pray or thank Him for all He has given us, etc. All these offenses are repaired by doing Teshuba. That is, 1. accepting that we made a mistake, 2. repenting; having remorse 3. articulating verbally our transgressions (confession / Viduy) and 4. making the decision to change and improve. If we do all this, our Sages explain, forgiveness is “guaranteed” (ומודה ועוזב ירוחם).

Second are the offenses to other people. If I harm someone financially, or if I hurt someone physically, or if I damaged someone emotionally offending him, insulting or embarrassing him. These offenses are NOT forgiven on Yom Kippur without a previous step. We can not fix with God the damages we did to other individuals. That would be religious hypocrisy. The damage inflicted intentionally or unintentionally to another person should be repaired first, with that person: the victim.

I have to amend materially what I did wrong: if I stole, return the stolen item. If I broke my neighbor’s window, pay for its repair. If I hurt someone physically (חובל) take care of medical costs. After I materially repaired the damage I did, I must also apologize to the victim. And finally, ask forgiveness from God for having hurt one of my peers.

Now, what happens when the damage had no material or financial consequences? In the event that the damage was emotional, I have to get close to that person and ask for his or her forgiveness. From a practical standpoint, the cases of emotional harm are more difficult to fix, since there is no material compensation to make up for the suffering of the victim.

Apologizing to people we have offended or damaged emotionally is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks we face before Yom Kippur.

As we prepare ourselves to ask forgiveness, we must overcome our shame (how am I going to admit that I acted wrong? !!), Our fear of rejection (what if he or she does not forgive me?) And especially our pride (No! I did not act wrong! He deserved it!).
Asking forgiveness is very difficult but absolutely necessary for our Teshuba on Yom Kippur.

Question: Can I apologize by phone or email? I do not think there is a single answer to cover all possible cases. But in my opinion, it is a matter of common sense. I believe that sometimes it is easier for those who ask forgiveness not to face their victim. So calling or emailing might work. I would say that regardless of the tools we use to ask forgiveness, the most important thing is that my apology would be sincere and credible: that is, not mixed with excuses, and as accurate as possible. There are some apologies that are not apologies: if I say, for example: “I’m sorry you felt offended by what I said.” Here I’m not admitting I did something wrong. What’s more, indirectly, I’m blaming the victim of being “too sensitive”! Which not only will not serve to repair my error, but it can magnify it.

Another classic question: “What if I badmouth a person, and that person does not know what I did… Do I have to apologize? Because if I ask forgiveness, maybe things would get worse?.” In this particular case, I think I can apologize without specifying what I did and said. However, when the victim knows what I did, my apology must be specific.

 



TESHUBA 5:3. I’m what I do in the next 5 minutes

In the third chapter of his Hilkhot Teshuba, Maimonides explains that in terms of religious behavior there are three categories of people: rasha ‘tsadiq and benoni.
The rasha ‘(the bad guy) is the individual whose balance of good and bad actions is negative. The tsadiq (righteous person) is  the one who has done more good than harm. And benoni (average) is defined by Maimonides as the person whose good and evil deeds are in a state of equilibrium (3: 1).
In a later Halacha (3: 4) Maimonides explains that this calculation of good and bad deeds is inaccessible to us. I cannot know if God considers me a righteous or an evil person. The difference between these two states is very subtle. And since this evaluation does not depend on the “quantity” of commandments that have observed, or transgressions that I have made, as if they were red and blue “dots” on a scoreboard. Actually, this calculation is only known to God. Why? Because He is the only one who knows, for example, what our true potential is. If my potential to do Mitsvot is foe example 10, because I have the means, the time, the knowledge, etc., to reach 10, but I reach only 7, I have less merit than the person whose potential is 5, because maybe he did not have the means or possibilities of reaching higher than 5, and has reached 5. Sometimes 5 is more than 7! (as in 5/5 > 7/10).
Another example: only God knows the negative psychological forces that could be influencing a person to drive him or her to do something he should not do. The more intense these forces are, the more merit that individual has when he overcomes and controls his impulses. For some people it can be very difficult to avoid a desire to steal, a person could have a natural inclination to theft, or she might have been raised to get always what she wants…  For other individuals, stealing or lying might not be a great challenge, because his nature or education dictates to behave with honesty.
In sum, the positive or negative balance of our merits is inaccessible, even to ourselves, says Maimonides. It is known only to God.
This thought leads to the next question: Since I can not know if in the eyes of God I am a good or a bad person, how do I have to see myself?
If I see myself as a righteous man, I may rely too much on my merits and remain in a state of inertia and stagnation. I have nothing to improve. In fact, I might think, I have some credit to commit some sins … At the other extreme, if I see myself as a bad guy, I might think I’m already beyond redemption (this is what the Rabbis called, ye-ush, a state of psychological abandonment) and might I believe that I have nothing left to do to save myself.
Maimonides deviates from the conventional explanation that distinguishes righteous from sinners, and as a great teacher he was, uses a principle that today we would define as “behavioral psychology”.
Maimonides concludes (3: 8) that a person should always perceived himself or herself as being in a perfect state of balance, 50/50. As if my good and my bad deeds are in a delicate balance between merits and sins. And therefore, the next action I do, will tip the balance to the positive or the negative side.
My next moral decision, to perform or not perform a Mitsva, to commit or not commit a transgression is not going to be “just” one more point in the score board. It is extremely important because my next action will tip the scale one way or the other, and it will determine if I am a good or a bad person.
The secret, according to Maimonides is to perceive ourselves always in this state of balance.: “I am what I do with my life in the next five minutes.”

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 5:3: Free will and human progress

Yesterday we explained that the idea of free will is, according to Maimonides, the essential foundation of the Tora and its mitzvot. We also said that what makes us different from animals, is not only our intelligence, but above all, our power to make moral decisions. In the animal world there are no “moral choices”. Just survival instincts.  See this.
Man, thus, is a privileged being, and thanks to its free will a “super-natural” creature. This ability to choose is what, according to Maimonides, brings us closer to God.
How?
Let’s deepen this concept a little further.
Maimonides (MT, Teshuba 5: 4) explains that HaShem designed us deliberately with free will: “In the same way the Creator established natural laws, for air to rise and water to descend, … and  animals to be driven by their natural instincts, so decided [the Creator] that man will have freedom of choice, and all his [moral] actions would depend on him …. “
In the natural world,  progress does not consist in a series of choices. Animals progress towards the reaching of their maximum fulfillment in an involuntary,  “automatic”, way. The only exception is man. Human beings have an enormous intellectual and spiritual potential, which’s development depends solely on the choices he or she make. If a man chose to progress, say, intellectually, he would study, learn, instruct himself. But if he wants, he can also relegate his progress and remain as ignorant as he was when he was born into this world. The realization of man’s potential  is not a involuntary, automatic, “natural” process which happens by itself. It depends exclusively on the individual. Ironically,  man is the only creature that can choose to remain less than he can be. This is the essence of “free will”.
We are in an intermediate state, as the philosophers say, between  “angels and beasts.” Thanks to our free will, we can elevate ourselves toward HaShem, or descend to an animal state. The more we exercise our free will, that is, when we learn and grow intellectually and spiritually, when we train ourselves to control our impulses, we get closer, we resemble, God,  Who is,  as we explained, the epitome of free will.
Conversely, the more we relegate our intellectual and spiritual progress, doing nothing to learn,  doing nothing to master and learn to control our urges,  we move away from God and we get closer, we resemble, animals .
In this sense Teshuba means to become conscious that we have a huge potential, and the realization of this potential depends  whether we choose to get closer to HaShem, learning and growing spiritually. The commandments of the Tora train our basic impulses . For example: Kashrut, trains us to control our urge to eat. Taharat haMishapjá, our sexual instincts.  Shabbat, the day we stop making money, teaches us to control our material ambitions. etc.  And so is the case with every Mitsva of the Tora.

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA: The difference between animals and men

In his book Mishne Tora, Hilkhot Teshuba, Maimonides presents the doctrine of “free will” (behira hofsheet), that is, the idea that a human being is free to choose his or her actions, and therefore is responsible and accountable for what he does or does not do.
The issue of free will is quite complex, and Maimonides devotes three chapters to it: Hilkhot Teshuba chapters 5, 6 and 7.
In 5:3 he says “And (free will), is a cardinal principle, and a fundamental pillar of the Tora and the commandments. As it is written: “[Now] Look, I have put before you today life and goodness, or death and evil, and you should choose life” (30:15 Debarim).
Only humans have the power to choose. In the material physical world, and even in nature, free will does not exist. Atoms can not “choose” to act differently than what they are determined to act. And living beings, all but humans, are completely conditioned to act by their survival instincts. It is true that, as Aristotle said, an animal that is both starving and thirsty, can choose whether to eat or to drink first. Animals can choose between two instincts, but no animal can make a moral choice, that is, choosing between an instinct and a value.  A starving animal can not choose “not to eat”. Animals act by instinct, and they can not control it, let alone suppress it. The verse says: “ומותר האדם מן הבהמה אין” “and the superiority of man over the animal is not”  (Kohelet 2: 3). Allegorically, some rabbis use this verse to teach us a lesson,  changing the very last word: “and the superiority of man over the animal is ‘NO’”, in other words, the difference between animals and men is human’s ability to say NO to survival instincts. Man has the “freedom” to satisfy his needs, but he also has the power to delay or even renounce to satisfy his needs. Maimonides explains 5: 1 “This is the meaning of the verse that says: ‘Man is now like one of us.” That man is super-natural., above nature. What distinguishes man from all living beings, is free will. God’s likeness in man is precisely free will, because God “all-mighty” is the epitome of free will.
This moral freedom that man possesses implies that man is responsible for what he does. A person can not justify his or her actions by saying: “I steal money because I have an uncontrollable desire to be rich”, or something like that. Granted that we humans have tendencies or temptations of all kinds, but we have the power to control them. This is free will.
If man were not morally free, it would not make sense that the Tora would command us what to do or not to do. And it would make no sense to be rewarded for what we do right or punished for what we do wrong.
And what does Teshuba, repentance, has to do with all this? Just as we are free to act, and our moral actions are not determined by our instincts, our lives are not irremediably determined by our past. God has given us the power of Teshuba. We are free to repent, which means that in the same way that our future actions are not determined by our instincts,  our past is not irreversible. And if we truly repent, we have the power to “erase” what we did wrong and start over.
As the reader can see the subject of freedom of choice is very complex and triggers plenty of questions. B’H we will devote a little more to it in the coming days.


HILKHOT TESHUBA 4:1-2. Obstacles in the way of Teshuba

In Chapter 4 of Hilkhot Teshuba Maimonides enumerates twenty-four actions, personality patterns or attitudes which prevent or make very difficult for a person to begin or undergo the process of repentance.
Three illustrations.
DOMINO EFFECT (4:1)
Those who because of their teachings or their bad example…. induce or influence other people to sin. Sometimes, if we have taught or inspire other people to act in the wrong way, we have triggered a negative domino effect which eventually gets out of our hand. In this case repentance is virtually impossible. Why? Because part of the process of repentance consists in repairing what I have done wrong. So, even if I personally repent from my wrong actions,  how could I be able to repair the damage other people have caused because of my wrong teachings or bad example? In this
 scenario, I’m virtually beyond redemption. Because despite my own personal repentance my example is still exerting a negative influence in other people to an unknown extent. 
CALCULATED TESHUBA (4:1) Sinning with the intention of repenting later. Maimonides refers here to a situation in which I’m about to commit a sin and before I do it I say to myself :  “I will sin now and repent for this sin later on.” Or I say to myself: “Since Yom Kippur is the day of forgiveness, I will sin now and God will forgive me for this sin in Yom Kippur”. In these conditions Teshuba is unacceptable. Because Teshuba is welcomed by the Creator when it comes from a sincere remorse, not when it is part of a calculated game-plan.
DEFENSIVE PERSONALITY (4:2) Someone who refuses to be corrected or criticized. Imagine a person incapable of accepting a minimal dose of positive criticism, even when coming from those who care for his or her well being. Many times, this type of personality-disfunction is a consequence of a low self esteem or other psychological issues which prevent a person to cope with any criticism.   This person, Maimonides concludes, will likely continue with his or her bad habits because is incapable of seeing himself as other people perceive him.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND
Great minds talk about ideas. 
Average minds talk about things. 
Small minds talk about people. 

Eleanor Roosevelt

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 3:14 Maimonides on Bullying

 In the third chapter of Hilkhot Teshuba, Halakha 5,  Maimonides asserts that the Jews, and the righteous among the gentiles (haside ummot ha’olam), will be granted a share in ‘olam habba, the afterlife.
Then Maimonides writes about the exceptions to the above-mentioned rule. Those individuals who are excluded from the world to come because of the severity of their sins (unless they repair the damage they have caused and repent during their lifetime).  Maimonides enumerates twenty-four categories of sins. These include heretical statements-such as denying the existence of God, and sins with irreparable effects, like committing national treason (moredim, moserim) killing, and slandering (ba’ale leshon hara’).
Toward the end of the chapter (3:14) Maimonides refers to eight cases, seemingly of a lesser severity, which were also mentioned by the Rabbis as sins for which one would lose his or her part in the world to come.
Four of these cases could be translated in modern term as “bullying” (nicknaming, verbal abuse, etc.). Bullying is a verbal offense which can cause as much damage as physical violence. Unlike physical violence, though, bullying is usually not penalized by secular law and could go unseen for a long time. Victims of bullying, especially if they suffer from low self esteem, usually do not denounce the perpetrators (and low self-esteem is an effect of bullying-do you see the vicious cycle here?). Because of this, abusive bullying tends to continue with devastating emotional effects for long periods of time.
Unfortunately, in our days bullying has become epidemic. In some cases the classroom or bus is divided into three groups: the bullies, the victim/s of bullying and those who watch and do nothing.
As parents, we need to be alert and detect the symptoms of bullying.  We should educate our children in the following ways: First, to identify and denounce bullying if they are victims of it.  Second, to not be passive bystanders when they witness acts of bullying. Third and most importantly, to respect the dignity of every human being and keep away from this hideous behavior.

 

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:1: Forgiveness and quality of life

Yesterday we explained that when somebody apologizes for an offense or for a wrong thing he or she did to us, we should be willing to forgive and also forget. After all, we are asking from God to forgive us. And by taking the fist step forgiving others, we certainly become more deserving of God’s forgiveness .
Question: Can we forgive others on our own, or should we wait for their request for forgiveness?
There is a fundamental difference between asking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. Granting forgiveness can be done unilaterally. Obviously, it is nicer and more appropriate when the offender comes and apologizes. But sometimes people are too shy or have too many psychological barriers or pride (=low self esteem) which impairs them from the possibility of taking charge of their wrongdoings and apologize.
And still, we can forgive.
In the Talmud, Megila 28a, we read that the elder R. Nehunya ben haQane was asked by his disciples: “In virtue of what have you reached such a good old age? He quoted the verse. ‘Never thecurse of my fellow man came up to my bed with me’. This was explained [=exemplified] by Mor Zutra who every night when going to bed would say: ‘I forgive all those who have offended me'”.
In other words: Every night before going to sleep Rabbi Nehunya practiced forgiveness of his own initiative. This unilateral exoneration freed Rabbi Nehunya from the curse of hatred and resentment, and impacted positively in the length (and probably also on the quality) of his life.
There is a beautiful prayer, inspired by the example of Rabbi Nehunya found in every prayer book in the section of Qeriyat Shema’ ‘al haMita. The following is an excerpt of that prayer “RIBBONO SHE OLAM, HARENI MOHEL VESOLEAH…” to be said before we go to sleep. 
  
“Master of the Universe! Behold, I forgive anyone who has angered or offended me. Whether it was directed toward my person or my money or my honor or anything which pertains to me. [I forgive them], whether his or her actions were performed by total accident or willingly; through negligence or premeditation; whether it was done through speech or physical action. [I forgive them and I request from You]: may no person be punished because of me…”
I must clarify once again that in this Halakha I’m referring particularly to forgiveness in the context of social and personal minor offenses, when a friend, a family member, a colleague, a neighbor, etc. did or said something wrong to us. Forgiveness for criminal or major offenses belong to a different category and can not be addressed in these brief lines. 

 



HILKHOT TESHUBA 1:1: to be or not to be specific?

Maimonides explains that the commandment of Teshuba is fulfilled when we recite the Viduy.  Viduy is the verbal confession of our transgressions, while feeling regret and shame for the wrong things we have done.
The Viduy/confession is done privately. We do not disclose our sins in front of other people or a minister, but only in front of God. Whispering the confession to ourselves.
There is a discussion in the Talmud (Rabbi Yehuda ben Baba vs. Rabbi Aqiba) if one needs to specify his or her wrongdoings or one can just state in general terms that he has acted wrongly. It is similar to the situation we would face when we want to apologize to someone we have offended: should we apologize mentioning the specifics of our wrongdoing or should we just say a general “I’m sorry for what I have done to you “?
According to the Shulhan Arukh it is not necessary to mention every specific sin that one has committed. This leniency aims specifically at not discouraging a person who wants to repent. Since he might not be capable –or courageous enough– to recalling the particulars of his wrong behavior. A general confession facilitates the process of Teshuba.
Maimonides, however, rules like the first opinion and indicates that one should mention in his private confession everything wrong he has done. Teshuba 1:1, “and then one shall confess, I have done so and so…”.
If we wish to follow Maimonides opinion we need to apply ourselves to a deep process of introspection. Exercising our memory and struggling against our impulses of denial and self advocacy. While reviewing our past actions it might help to write down all misdeeds we can remember. Including obviously, unpaid debts and apologies we owe to our peers.
In the context of Maimonides opinion the text of the Viduy –the one we say for Selihot, for example– should be seen as a reminder of the points we should recall, repent for, and hopefully correct.
This challenging spiritual/ethical/intellectual activity cannot be done overnight. We dedicate to it forty days, from the beginning of Elul until Yom Kippur: the day we devote ourselves entirely and exclusively to the exercise of Teshuba/Viduy.