TENTH COMMANDMENT: You Shall Not Covet

While the highest ideal of a Yehudi is to develop a character that is immune to the feeling of envy, the reality is that it is almost impossible to prevent a thought of envy from “seeping” into our mind. But what we can definitely do is avoiding that thought from being installed in us, “controlling” our mind and causing us great emotional damage.

Controlling or channeling envy is perhaps the oldest lesson HaShem taught mankind. When Cain saw that HaShem had received the offering of his brother Hebel (Abel) and had rejected his, Cain was filled with envy and became depressed. What had happened? While Hebel had offered to HaShem, as a gesture of gratitude, the best of his harvest, Cain offered Him what he no longer wanted, what he would have anyways discarded. HaShem explained to Cain what he had to do to have his offerings received: “Cain, why are you depressed? If you simply do things better [and you are a little less selfish] your offering will be received” הלא אם תטיב שאת ” … And if you do not, I want you to know that this sin [envy] will make you fall, because if you do not control it, it will end up controlling you … “. As we all know, Cain did not listen to the words of HaShem and instead of concentrating on doing things better to get his offering received, he chose the easiest way: to kill the competition. Thus, envy destroyed the victim and the perpetrator. Envy killed Hebel and condemned Cain to live a nomadic life and being permanently persecuted.

In Melakhim 1, chapter 21 we have another example in which envy led to murder. Nabot , an honorable citizen of Israel (circa 900 BCE) was the neighbor of King Ahab, of the Kingdom of Israel. Nabot had a vineyard. And Ahab the king wanted his vineyard. And Ahab said to Naboth, “Sell me your vineyard, which is near my palace, that I may make for myself a beautiful garden.” Naboth replied to Ahab that he could not sell his vineyard, for it was the inheritance of his ancestors. Ahab returned to his palace, sad and depressed (like Cain). The king, who had everything, was now a prisoner of his envy. He became obsessed with having the field of Nabot. He could not think of anything else. He felt that his happiness and personal fulfillment depended on possessing that vineyard. Envy seized his mind. His Phoenician wife, Izabel, a woman of reprehensible behavior, asked the same question that HaShem asked Cain: “Why are you depressed?” And when Ahab told her the cause of her sadness, Izabel advised her husband exactly the opposite of what HaShem advised Cain. Instead of minimizing the importance of that vineyard and encouraging her husband not allowing himself to be controlled by envy, he said to him, “Are you not the king of Israel? Now you will see how I will give you the vineyard of Nabot.” Izabel planned a plot against Nabot, falsely accusing him of having blasphemed God and the king, a capital crime. She paid two indecent men to act as false witnesses and incriminate Nabot. Finally, the court found Nabot guilty. He was sentenced to death and executed. And Izabel said to Ahab, “Now you may confiscate the vineyard, take possession of it and do with it as you please.”

It is interesting to note in this case that violating the last Commandment, “YOU SHALL NOT COVET,” led to the transgression of the Ninth Commandment, “DO NOT GIVE FALSE TESTIMONY,” when Nabot was falsely accused. And also the Eighth, “YOU SHALL NOT STEAL,” when Ahab “confiscated” the property of Nabot. And the Sixth Commandment, “DO NOT KILL”, when they executed poor Nabot. Envy leads to all that, and more.

The last commandments prohibit criminal acts: “6. You shall not kill, 7. You shall not commit adultery, 8. You shall not steal, and 9. You shall not bear false witness.” The Tenth Commandment, “You shall not envy” forbids what eventually might lead to transgressing any or all of the previous four Commandments. Envy is the root of many destructive actions. It pushes us to destroy others and ends up destroying our own lives.
(To be continued…)


NINTH COMMANDMENT: Lie and Don’t Feel Guilty

לא תענה ברעך עד שקר

Following our analysis of the Ninth Commandment, “You shall not bear false witness,” we will now see some examples of exceptional cases where lying may be justified.

Shelom Bayit: Lying to promote or maintain peace in the family is justified, as long as this lie does not cause harm to any other person. The rabbis deduced this important principle from Yosef’s brothers. When Yosef was young, he was betrayed by his brothers who abducted him and sold him as a slave. After many years, Yosef became the ruler of Egypt. Yosef behaved with them without resentment, but they thought (mistakenly) that Yosef still held grudges and that he behaved positively with them only to prevent more anguish to his father, Ya’aqob. When Ya’aqob Abinu died, the brothers thought that now Joseph would take revenge on them. So they lied to Yosef (Genesis 50: 15-18). The brothers asked, “What will happen if Yosef still holds a grudge against us and makes us pay for all the evil we did to him?” Then they sent a message to Joseph, saying: Your father ordered the following before he died: Say to Yosef, please: forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin…”. In fact, Ya’aqob, had not sent any message to Yosef (it is possible that Ya’aqob never knew, or did not want to find out, what the brothers did to Yosef). The Hakhamim justified this lie because Yosef’s brothers thought that otherwise the harmony of the family would have been compromised forever. And the Hakhamim also observed that this type of “white lies” is only allowed when this lie does no harm any other human being, as in the case of Yosef and his brothers.

  

There are other cases in which the Rabbis indicated that the truth could be modified (leshannot min ha-emet): when it contradicts other important Jewish values.

Illustrations:

  

1. Masekhta (Talmudic Treaty). According to Rashi, if a person, for example, knows perfectly and by heart, a Talmud treatise and someone asks him how well he knows this Talmudic treatise, one can hide the truth and say that he does not know it very well. We Jews value humility immensely, and since in this case, by modifying the truth, no harm is done to anybody, is permitted. Other rabbis (Magen Abraham) added that in this same way one could also behave with humility in other religious or spiritual areas. For example: if someone is doing an act of Hesed (charity) or practicing an extra severity (humra) he can (or should!) hide it from others.

  

2. Puraya (sexual intimacy): In matters of intimacy, it is also allowed not to reveal the whole truth or even modify the truth. If someone asks something inappropriate, for example: “Will your wife go to the Mikve tonight?” or something similar, you can hide the truth for reasons of Tseni’ut (= discretion).

3. Ushpiza (guest): Ba’ale haTosafot explain it this way. In the past, there were no hotels, and travelers often looked for someone that would offer them a bed for the night and a piece of bread for breakfast. Now, I stayed in someone’s house, and they treated me exceptionally well. And I suspect that if I make public my praise to my hosts, many other travelers –some of whom might not be honest or could behave abusively– will try to stay in that house, it is permissible to deviate from the truth and hide the praise to the host for his exceptional treatment. Since otherwise everyone will want to stay in that house, and involuntarily, I might be causing a possible abuse situation towards my generous host. In this and other similar circumstances (a generous donor, etc.), it is allowed to hide the identity of my benefactors or to minimize their generosity.

  

As we see, although the truth is a very high value in Judaism, and the Tora warned us to move away from lying, sometimes, to behave humbly, with morality or to avoid harm or abuse to generous people, we can deviate from the truth.
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NINTH COMMANDMENT: How to Run Your Business by The Book

לא תענה ברעך עד שקר

The Ninth Commandment, “You Shall Not Bear False Witness” introduces us to a very important subject in Judaism: the value of truth and honesty. In the coming days, through some examples, we will explore how we Jews view the dynamics of these values.

Telling the truth and acting honestly is seen in Judaism as one of the highest religious imperatives. So much so that our Rabbis affirmed that upon our arrival in the World to Come (= life after this life) we will have to answer three questions before the Celestial Tribunal, in order to evaluate the spiritual level that we have reached in our worldly existence. The first question the heavenly court will ask us has to do with our behavior with money. ? נשאת ונתת באמונה “Have you conducted yourself with integrity in your business?” Clearly, our way of acting in our business is considered by our Tora as the most accurate indicator of our religious level.

Illustration: I sell cars and a customer tells me that he wants his new car before the end of the month. And I know that I will not get that car by the end of the month, should I tell the truth to my client and lose a sale, or I should lie to him and tell him that I will get the car. Then, a few days before the end of the month I make some excuses? In this way, I will not be losing a client. Our Tora is very strict about the prohibition of lying. In Shemot 23: 7 the Torah says categorically: מדבר שקר תרחק, “You shall keep yourself away from the lying.” Therefore, even when I know that by telling the truth to my customer, the customer will go somewhere else to buy his car, I must tell the truth.

  

2000 years ago our Rabbis affirmed that the “seal” of HaShem (God) is: “The Truth”. What does this mean? In antiquity, the seal of a King was what today is a signature. A visual mark that served to identify, for example, that a letter had been written or dictated by the King. Likewise, the presence of HaShem is represented by His signature “The Truth”. In other words: every time we act honestly, especially in our business, we “sign” the name of HaShem. When we are willing to act with integrity, especially when financial losses can be significant, we are affirming with our actions that we value His instruction and we acknowledge His Presence. And so, an honest action is transformed into His signature. My righteousness becomes His seal. Since indirectly and without words, I demonstrate that HaShem exists. And the people who see how I acted will be inspired to declare, “This honest proceeding comes from HaShem (= from His Tora).”

On the other hand, if a Yehudi lies, fabricates stories or acts deceptively to earn money, he “pushes HaShem away.” By acting deceptively in his or her business, by not signing his action with HaShem’s seal, he is causing people to not “seeing” HaShem. His dishonest action, in some way, makes His signature disappear. It is as if that person had “sold” the Presence (or the reputation) of HaShem for money …

Finally, in his book Pele Yo’etz, a mini-encyclopaedia of Jewish moral values, Rabbi Eliezer Pappo refers among other subjects to commercial honesty. And it shows us a different angle about the value of truth and honesty in business. Rabbi Pappo states that apart from his inestimable spiritual value, acting honestly in business is good for our business. Since the most valuable product in the business world is “a good name”. When we act honestly, many times we lose some business and we don’t make money. But in the long term, by acting honestly we are building a good name, a reputation that will surely attract more businesses and more customers to our company. In other words, honesty is not only a very important religious value; acting honestly is also a very intelligent business decision. There is no better asset and advertisement for a businessman or a professional than a good name and a good reputation.

 



NINTH COMMANDMENT: “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor”

לא תענה ברעך עד שקר
The Ninth Commandment says, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor,” which is explained by Jewish tradition as “You shall not lie in a court of justice.”

As we have explained, DO NOT STEAL refers to the highest level of stealing: stealing a life (kidnapping, human trafficking, enslavement, etc.). The Ninth Commandment also refers to the highest form of lying: lying in the court of law. If lying in court was not criminalized, justice could not possibly be served. And without justice, we would have corruption, anarchy, and impunity. And human society would collapse. The Tora warns us severely about the manipulation and distortion of the judicial system, criminalizing, for example, bribery of judges or other court officials. The Ninth Commandment warns us specifically about lying in court, what is known as “perjury.”

Jewish law takes the matter of judicial testimony very seriously. There are several conditions that need to be met for someone to serve as a witness. For example, witnesses can not be relatives of the accused or of one of the parties. In a Jewish court, a single witness can not testify. At least two witnesses are needed. The fact that two witnesses are required, instead of one, while cannot entirely stop perjury, drastically diminishes the possibility of false testimony.

There are also maters of character that can disqualify a witness. The wicked (resha’im) are incompetent to act as witnesses. This includes people who have committed crimes: delinquents, scammers, thieves, usurers, etc. Neither can gamblers serve as witnesses, or people who deliberately and without justification cease to work or study, as they are suspected of spending their free time in criminal activities (see further details in Shulhan ‘Arukh Hoshen Mishpat Chapter 34).

A man who has no basic knowledge of Tora (the Bible) or Mishna, or of the basic norms of civilized behavior (derekh erets), is presumed to live a questionable life and therefore is not considered competent as a witness. This presumption, however, is refutable if there is evidence that, despite this person’s ignorance, his conduct is unblemished.

All these requirements and limitations (and more) are intended to avoid, as much as possible, that the Jewish judicial system could be manipulated or defrauded.

Returning to the topic of false witnesses; in the time of the Rabbinic courts, there were severe penalties for false witnesses. For example, if false witnesses were challenged by other witnesses, proving that they could not have been at the crime scene during the date they mentioned in their testimony (‘edim zomemim), the first witnesses would receive the penalty or punishment corresponding to the crime they wanted to adjudicate the accused. Thus, for example, if based on the testimony of these false witnesses, the accused would have to pay compensation of a 1,000 dollars, the false witnesses would have to pay 1,000 dollars. What is more, if the false witnesses accused someone of a crime that carries the death penalty, these false witnesses were to be sentenced to death.
In spite of all these efforts for justice to be served, sometimes a false witness can not be detected. The Tora, however, guarantees that when human justice is deceived, Divine Justice will soon arrive.

We read in the book of Mishle, the proverbs of King Solomon, that a false witness who deceived the court, will have to face Divine Justice. HaShem will not absolve or forgive a false witness. עד שקרים לא ינקה ויפיח כזבים לא ימלט, “A false witness shall not go unpunished, and he who declares lies shall not escape [Divine justice],” Proverbs 19: 5.

Every day, three times a day, we ask in our Tefilot [= prayers, specifically, the ‘amida] from HaShem to renew the courts of justice, and thus, when righteousness reigns, many of our sorrows will disappear. We declare at the end of this prayer that HaShem, is מלך אוהב צדקה ומשפט, is a King [ “King” here means “Supreme Judge”] who loves righteousness and justice.  And therefore, He will not let impunity reign.

 



Rabbi Isaac Abendana (1640-1699), professor at Cambridge University

Rabbi Abendana was born in Spain. He was the son of Yosef Abendana, a famous banker. He was sent by his parents to the city of Hamburg, Germany, where he was ordained as a rabbi and then to Leyden, Holland, where he studied medicine. His older brother Rabbi Ya’aqob Abendana also studied for the rabbinate at the famous Rabbinical Academy of the Pinto brothers in Amsterdam. In 1655 Rabbi Ya’aqob was appointed as the rabbi of the city of Rotterdam and, later on he became the Rabbi of the Sephardic community in London. Among other things, he translated Yehuda haLevi’s book Cuzarí into Spanish (see THIS).
Once in London, Rabbi Isaac Abendana taught Hebrew at the University of Cambridge. And although this data is not documented, it is said that Isaac Newton (1642-1726), who besides being a great scientist was a great Hebraist, was one of his disciples. In Cambridge Rabbi Abendana completed a project that he had begun 30 years earlier: the translation of the Mishna to the Latin. At that time the interest in Jewish subjects in the Gentile world was very great. Let’s see why.
The Jews were expelled from England by King Edward in 1290. This expulsion, as in other European countries, meant that it was prohibited by law for any Jew to live in that country. With the arrival of Oliver Cromwell (1599-1658) to power and the creation of the new republic, the readmission of the Jews began to be debated in the government. Cromwell was in favor, but the opposition was very strong. Even those who were in favor of readmitting the Jews, speculated that the Jews who would arrive in England would be quickly converted to Christianity (which did not happen), something that many Christians considered a signal of the Apocalypse or the Second Advent. Between 1655 and 1656, and after intense debates, it was authorized to readmit the Jews in England. On the condition that they would not worship in public and would not convert Gentiles.
The first Jews to resettle there were Sepharadic Jews  from Amsterdam. In 1657 Antonio Fernandez Carvajal and Simon de Cáceres bought a piece of land for a Jewish cemetery. Carvajal finally received some Royal documents for himself and his son, and was the first Jew to be guaranteed certain rights of citizenship after the Expulsion. Solomon Dormido, a nephew of Rabbi Menashe Ben Israel, the chief responsible for the return of the Jews to England, was admitted to the Royal Exchange as a stock-broker duly licensed by the City of London, and he was not required to take the usual oath involving a declaration of faith in Christianity.
The interest for Jewish religion surged after the readmission of the Jews into this country. This curiosity came mainly from intellectual and academic circles. The study of Hebrew language and rabbinic literature became very popular.
In this context, Rabbi Isaac Abendana translated the Mishna into Latin, which was the language frequently used in universities. And Rabbi Abendana also wrote a very important book. This book was the first book on Judaism written in the English language. It is called “Discourses of the ecclesiastical and civil polity of the Jews” and is a work that introduces Judaism to a non Jewish audience.
It seems to me that this book is not only for non-Jews. I believe it contains educational and historical material that represents an extraordinary introduction to Judaism for many Jews as well. In my opinion, it should be re-published, since it is not a superfluous book.
I will present in the following lines the titles of the main sections of this work:
Rabbi Abendana begins his work with a presentation of the Jewish legal system. Explaining what the Oral Law and Sanhedrin are, and how the Jewish courts determined the laws.
He then explains the Mitsva of Teruma and  Ma’aser, which includes some aspects of tsedaqa (social assistance).
Thirdly, he speaks of the institution of the Kehuna (the Priests of the people of Israel).
Then, on the Hebrew liturgy, that is, the Tefilla, prayers.
He then describes the Jewish academies, especially the Yeshibot of the time of the Mishna and the Gemara.
In the end he writes about Jewish festivities, fasts, the Hebrew calendar and ends his work with an appendix on the contemporary equivalences of the coins and the measures of biblical time.
Until 5 or 10 years ago it was impossible to get this book outside of specialized libraries. Today, it can be downloaded for free from Google books (see HERE).

 



SEVENTH COMMANDMENT: Boundaries in Relating to the Opposite Sex

In these past days, we have been learning about Jewish morality in the area of sexuality. Knowing the moral codes of the Tora is essential to protecting marriage and faithfulness. Today I want to finish the study of this commandment with one last reflection.

We have explained that sexuality in Judaism is sacred and exclusive. The sanctity of this act has to do with the framework where it takes place: marriage.

There is another element that also belongs exclusively to the relationship of husband and wife, of utmost importance, and of which much less is spoken. Let’s see. The first time the Tora describes a sexual relationship, it says: “And Adam KNEW Eve his wife.” This knowledge is not physical but emotional and is conducive to sexuality. Therefore, it should also be reserved for the husband-wife relationship and should not take place outside of marriage.

Adultery often occurs without premeditation. That is, feelings between two people might develop without one realizing it. As we have often explained, the Jewish strategy to protect marriage loyalty is to set certain barriers or preventative measures, such as Iyhud, i.e., not to seclude with another woman or another man, other than one’s spouse, or to avoid physical contact with the opposite sex, etc. We must also be aware that when we relate to people of the opposite sex, we must maintain an emotional distance, knowing that adultery usually happens as a consequence of a previous emotional connection.

Good relationships between human beings begin with “respect”. I can not relate to someone, to my neighbor for example, if he does not respect me, or if I do not respect him or her. Respect is the most primary requirement of every human relationship. Then, when that relationship grows a little more, we would be talking about “cordiality”, which is one level above respect. In a relationship based on cordiality, there is positive communication, a good understanding and a healthy exchange of ideas. Then the relationship can reach the next level. And this is where the Hakhamim teach us to be careful. The next level is a level of “emotional trust” or “emotional closeness” (in Hebrew, qirub da’at). In a relationship of cordiality ideas and thoughts are exchanged, but in a relationship of emotional trust feelings, secrets and more private information is exchanged. This relationship, which may not necessarily have to do with the sexual at the beginning, is a more intimate relationship. KNOWLEDGE (da’at), and as we saw in Adam’s case, it usually leads to the next level: intimacy. For example, when a young couple begins the dating process, they treat each other with respect, then with cordiality, and then if the relationship grows, a more intimate, more emotional, and more trusting “knowledge” of each other will unfold. When this happens, it is a good indication that the couple can go forward, towards marriage.

Now we can understand better the warning of the Rabbis of Musar (Jewish ethics) regarding qirub da’atwith people of the opposite sex. What can happen if a married man starts an emotional relationship with one of his employees? If he shares with his secretary, for example, the problems he has with his wife? What happens when a married woman reaches this level of emotional trust with her dentist, her coach, her teacher, etc.? Of course, this “emotional relationship” does not happen overnight. It had to have passed first for respect and then for cordiality. And somehow, perhaps unconsciously, it reached a higher level.

To protect conjugal fidelity one must be aware of the levels at which a human relationship develops. And a married man or woman should always keep respect and cordiality towards every human being, but they should avoid reaching a level of an emotional relationship when they relate to people of the opposite sex.

Faithfulness is the basis of the Jewish family. Protecting fidelity guarantees our marital happiness and the emotional stability of the people we love most. Protecting fidelity involves the self-imposition of certain codes of behavior and interaction with people of the opposite sex. An awareness and the application of certain “boundaries”. This will avoid men and women getting into situations that are more difficult to control.


THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT: Socialization or strategic planning?

We continue with some thoughts about the Seventh Commandment: “You shall not commit adultery”. Last Thursday we talked about the difficulties a Jewish person has in maintaining his code of moral conduct in a society with opposing codes. We explain that sexuality in Judaism takes place exclusively in the intimacy of marriage. This not only has to do with the Jewish view on premarital relations or adultery, but also with the phenomenon of the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the sexual industrialization that characterizes modern society. Take as an example the hyper-sexualization of girls, a phenomenon of which modern society still ignores the consequences in the long run. Girls 8, 9 or 10 years old use make up, dress in a seductive way and behave like adult women. And all this comes through the influence of the media, television, internet, and smartphones.

 

What should we do then with this media invasion that threatens to transform Jewish values and the Jewish codes of sexual behavior?
SOCIALIZATION: Socialization means that people absorb the values of the society in which they live without evaluating or questioning those values (since it is usually the only values they know) and integrate them into their personality. Many Jews do not know enough about Judaism, or have not been well informed, and have no other frame of reference to evaluate what surrounds them. These people are probably “socialized”. And  that state one assimilates to what he sees and happens around him. When we talk about assimilation we should not only think about mixed marriages. It is the assimilation of values, of non-Jewish moral codes, which must first concern us.
Now, when you study Tora and learn the morality and the codes of the people of Israel, you develop an awareness of what is going on around you. And then you can look at it and evaluate the reality around you “from the balcony” (an expression used in psychology to describe an objective view, from outside of oneself, and in this case, from outside the culture that surrounds us). Only then one is able to compare one moral code against the other and make an informed evaluation.

 

But, is there anything that can be done once one is aware of the negative impact of sexual banalization?
Following the example we mentioned before, parents who do not want their children to be “socialized” into the modern moral codes, there are at least two possible strategies.

 

FILTERS: There are parents who will let their children have and use computers, smartphones and the Internet, but with certain limits. I’m not talking about time-limits but content limits. Examples: today there are routers that can be programmed to limit access to adult material. There are also free virtual filters like K9. And the most popular and effective ways of controlling internet are the “Jewish” Internet providers, which will filter out inappropriate material (see here ). TAG, for example, is one of the most important companies in this area and has offices in many cities around the world. See http://www.taghelpline.org/. Another provider is KOSHERNET www.koshernet.com which also has subsidiaries all over the world.  There are also  “parental control” apps for smartphones. See THIS.  All these filters would drastically reduce the exposure of our children to sexual mediatic banality, and other distortions of modern society.

 

BLOCKING: Many Jewish families would choose not to have access to TV or internet or cell phones with internet, altogether. These families establish these virtual barriers since they think that otherwise it would be impossible to avoid exposure to modern moral trivialization. While it is not easy to close your home hermetically to your cultural surroundings, these Jewish families, without electronic screens in their homes, create their own environment, where studying, reading and relaxed family conversations fill the spaces that other homes occupy with the internet.

 

It is not my intention to pass judgment on which strategy is the best or the most effective. I think both have their logic and merit. And both require great effort and sacrifices.  What is most critical is the understanding of the problems of socialization in modern society, and the sense of urgency to avoid the trivialization of something as intimate, sacred and delicate as sexuality.

 

It is true that society exerts an influence that seems impossible to overcome. But after all, we are descendants of Abraham Abinu. A man who, convinced of his values, was able to resist social pressure and was willing to make huge sacrifices to turn away from what separated him from HaShem, and stay on the side of truth.


THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT. Fidelity, and modern society (Part 1).

In the third part of the Shema Israel we read a basic indication of the moral standards that the Tora demands of a Jewish person. VELO TATURU AHARE LEBABKHEM … This pasuq tells us that we should not be carried away by our instincts. And that these passions, are fed from what we see with our eyes. What happens around us, what we see, affects us and our thoughts and values, whether or not we are aware of it.

This is also the Biblical source from which the sexual code of conduct of Jewish men and women is learned. This code has as its main objective to teach us that in Judaism sexuality is confined “exclusively” to intimacy between husband and wife.

This simple but fundamental idea implies that the interaction between men and women, who are not spouses, should not go over the limits of cordiality. This should be reflected, for example, in the way a Jewish man speaks and looks at a woman. A Jewish man should not talk or behave sensually to any woman other than his wife. Or, in the way a Jewish woman dresses and presents herself when she is away from home. A Jewish woman should reserve her physical “appeal” to her husband.

This simple concept (comprehensive monogamy?) is NOT very friendly to modern society, where sexuality has become a commercial product through advertising, pornography, media, etc. These are all “industries” whose primary purpose is to make money. They sell by appealing to one of man’s most basic and powerful instincts. And this generalized exploitation of sexuality-for-profit has radically redefined the culture of the modern Gentile society, in a way that seems irreversible. Sex is no longer a “private” issue between husband and wife. It became a banal product, which, or through which, they sells more and better.

The industrialization of sex leaves psychological and emotional sequels. Girls, for example, from a young age are directly or indirectly indoctrinated to dress to direct the man’s eyes more towards her body than toward her eyes. Women lost the most in this sexual revolution, since, unfortunately, have been the victims of an “objectification” of their person.
Men also lost a lot. Young men are constantly bombarded with sensual images, pornography, and over-stimulation. In this context so hostile to the Jewish mores, values, and codes, how could Jewish young men and women associate the sexual with purity, with holiness, with the imitation of the Divine or at least with intimacy? It is very difficult to reach this level of understanding when one lives in a society where sexuality might not longer be even associated with love.

One of the most difficult challenges that the Jewish people face today is how to preserve our Jewish codes of conduct in a society with completely different values. This is a very profound subject that worries not only Rabbis and Jewish educators, but also fathers and mothers of Am Israel.

(To be continued, BH,  Monday)

 



THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT: Yihud, protecting conjugal fidelity

Yesterday we wrote about the seventh commandment: “You shall not commit adultery” and we explained how the Mitsva of Taharat haMishpaha helps to maintain and strengthen the attraction between husband and wife.
Today we will begin to see another aspect of the Jewish attitude towards sexuality. There are Jewish laws and codes of conduct that have as one of their fundamental objectives to safeguard marital fidelity. One of these important rules is called “Yihud”, or seclusion.
We read in the book of Shemuel II, chapter 13, about a young man named Amnon, son of King David. Amnon was obsessed with Tamar, also the daughter of David, but from a different mother. Amnon pretended to be ill, he locked himself in his room and asked his father David to ask Tamar to prepare for him something to eat. When Tamar arrived, Amnon demanded everyone to leave his room and asked Tamar to feed him. When Tamar arrived, Amnon, abused her. This affected King David, who felt partly responsible for not having avoided this tragedy. Together with his Court of Justice (דוד המלך ובית דינו) he established, or according to most opinions, “extended” this law of Yihud (גזרו על פנויה, let us clarify that the Jewish Courts of Justice have the right to establish new regulations, as any the Supreme Court in the modern world countries).
The law of Yihud states that a Jewish man should not be alone in a locked room with a woman other than his wife (or his mother, or daughter, etc.).
This rule belongs to the category of gedarim or siyaguim, that is, fences or Halakhic barriers, to prevent the risk of “falling” into a greater prohibition.
A “siyag” is what forest ranger establishes, erecting a fence a few steps before the cliff so that those who visit the forest do not get too close to the cliff, and by distraction or because of the attractiveness of the landscape, they come to close and fall.
There are many examples of this type of behavioral fences in modern society. A person who suffers from alcohol addiction and wants to be rehabilitated is advised not to frequent bars or parties where people drink or go out with friends who drink alcohol. All these additional restrictions and “fences” are necessary for those who want to recover from their addiction, to protect themselves from themselves, and from a temptation that can become irresistible. It is much easier to resist entering a bar than to resist drinking alcohol, once you have a drink in your hand.

The Rabbis of the Talmud expressed that the sexual instinct is so powerful that one should not rely only on his common sense and decency (אין אטוטרוסוס לעריות). But there must be additional norms, fences, in order to avoid facing a potentially destructive scenario. And while loyalty is fundamentally a matter of values and mores, if a man strictly respects the laws of Yihud, the possibility of committing adultery, especially without premeditation, would drastically diminish. Yihud’s law states that a man and a woman should avoid seclusion or remain alone in a room or office that is locked or inaccessible. However, the presence of other people in that scene, or even the fact that the room or office where they are, is accessible from the outside, significantly avoids or diminishes the possibility of any kind of temptation, harassment or sexual abuse.

The concept of Yihud is today, I believe, better known and more accepted than ever in the non-Jewish society as well.
At US airports, if someone passing security checks carries something unusual underneath his or her clothes, he will have to be escorted to a closed office, where he will be ordered to take off his clothes. And all that time, from the moment one enters until he leaves, he will be always accompanied not by one, but by “two” officers of his or her same gender. This simple rule reduces to the minimum the possibility that something inappropriate might happen. It is as if the concept of Yihud, far from out of fashion, is increasingly better understood and applied to avoid potentially improper situations.
I remember a few years ago I participated in a conference of rabbis organized by the Orthodox Union (OU), and in one of the lectures, a prestigious lawyer recommended to the rabbis that whenever we see a community member for counseling, etc. we should let the door of our office semi-open, or at least unlocked, as a general code of behavior. He told us that in the United States, there is a great awareness on this subject. And that many Jewish and non-Jewish professionals, doctors, dentists, psychologists have established similar rules in their offices, avoiding being alone with a patient or client in a closed room, to prevent potential inappropriate situations, cases or allegations of sexual abuse.
An American rabbi had an audience with the previous Pope, Benedict. It was at a time when the Boston Church had being sued for hundreds of allegations of sexual abuse, pedophilia, and so on. This rabbi suggested to the Pope that the church adopt the Jewish law of Yihud, and establish it as a Church’s policy: that no minister or priest can meet or be left alone with a student, a girl or a child, in a locked office. And that this simple rule would minimize the problems that had caused so much damage to hundreds or thousands of children.I do not know what happened in the end, and if the Pope followed or did not follow this advice, but I could appreciate, once again, the infinite wisdom of our Tora and our Sages that thousands of years ago established laws that today, the rest of the world, accepts, values and imitate.
(To be continued…)


THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT: How to Renew Passion in Your Marriage

תניא, היה רבי מאיר אומר מפני מה אמרה תורה נדה לשבעה? מפני שרגיל בה וקץ בה אמרה תורה תהא טמאה שבעה ימים כדי שתהא חביבה על בעלה כשעת כניסתה לחופה. נדה ל”א, ע”א

Yesterday, we began to explain the Seventh Commandment: “You shall not commit adultery.” The Tora teaches us that in order to reinforce fidelity, it is not enough to “keep this commandment in mind”. Our commitment to conjugal fidelity is strengthened by a particular attitude towards sexuality. First, knowing the nature of sexuality in marriage. Second, by having the appropriate behavior toward the people of the opposite sex. And thirdly, by exercising control over our thoughts and our eyes. B’H, we will talk about each of these three points in the next few days.

Let’s start from the beginning. The nature of sexuality in marriage.

One of the most important Mitsvot in the Jewish family is Taharat haMishpaha (or Nidda), which is usually translated by “family purity.” In Jewish marriage, intimate relationships are limited for about 12 days a month. The excluded days are related to the woman’s cycle and seven additional days. When the Sages of the Talmud explained the logic of this regulation, they said that after these days without physical contact, husband and wife are intimately reunited and they “feel the same [passion] as they felt on their wedding night.” In other words, this period of separation, far from affecting negatively sexual desire, renews and increases it. Avoiding falling into one of the greatest problems of modern marriage: sexual boredom.
This “boredom” has to do with the theoretically unlimited potentiality of sexual intimacy, and it is part of the “nature” of a marriage where sexuality is not regulated. The “sexual routine” syndrome is one of the factors that most influence the search for novelty, which can lead to adultery. By its very nature, the peak of sexual attraction occurs near marriage. But over the years (and I am NOT referring now to an age problem), physical attraction to one’s wife does not increase but almost inevitably diminishes. Sexual intimacy in marriage begins to become less intense, monotonous and too predictable. Passion progressively decreases. This phenomenon is very well known to psychologists and sexologists.

Close to 2000 years ago, Ribbí Meir explained that during the days of physical separation in a Jewish couple, the husband begins to “miss” his wife, and his physical attraction towards her grows more and more. As the day of the Mikve (the ritual immersion that concludes the days without sexual intimacy) approaches, his passion is renewed. And when his wife arrives from the Mikve, Ribbí Meir asserts that husband and wife, even years after their marriage, will be reunited with the same passion that they felt for each other on their wedding night. This cycle, which is repeated every month (except when the woman is pregnant) avoids the sexual routine and renews the sexula desire in marriage.

Let’s understand it better (from a man’s perspective). Imagine a young Jewish husband who is in his room alone with his wife whom he loves and to whom he is attracted. And without nothing more than this abstract Mitsva of Taharat haMishapaha (a delicate “Hedge of roses”, as rabbi Norman Lamm calls it) the young couple is able to say to themselves “Not now”. Would the husband’s desire for his own wife diminish or increase? His wife, as Ribbí Meir explains, becomes now the exclusive “object” of his desire, since what it is forbidden is more attractive. During those days of separation from the woman he loves, the husband can not even think of another woman, other than his own wife. Moreover, in these circumstances and during these days the young Jewish man goes through an excellent training in his ability to control his sexuality. Which is critical not to fall into a fatal attraction that might lead to adultery.
Lastly, this period of physical separation also promotes a very profound level of communication between husband and wife. In those days without sexual activity, and from the beginning of their marriage, the couple learns to communicate with affection but on a plane that we could well call “platonic.” In Judaism, the highest level a couple should aspire to is the level of “friendship” (re’ut), which will strengthen their marriage for the rest of their lives. Even in those years when hormonal passion declines (in modern society, more and more couples get divorced after 50 . According to the Huffington Post, in 2010 in the US, 1 in 4 couples who divorced belonged to this Group, see ). Contrary to biological sexual desire, friendship between husband and wife, supposed to grow over the years, and it is the greatest guarantee of fidelity and solidity in a marriage. This deep level of closeness in which your wife is also your best friend develops and grows in those days without sexual intimacy.

(To be continued)