HILKHOT TESHUBA 2:10. Teshuba via email (part 6)

אין התשובה ויום הכפורים מכפרים אלא על עבירות שבין אדם למקום

Teshuba, repentance for what we did wrong, can happen in two separate areas. First, with “ritual” offenses . This category includes, for example, when one transgresses the Shabbat or Holidays or does not care about the laws of kashrut, or when we disconnect from God, we do not pray or thank Him for all He has given us, etc. All these offenses are repaired by doing Teshuba. That is, 1. accepting that we made a mistake, 2. repenting; having remorse 3. articulating verbally our transgressions (confession / Viduy) and 4. making the decision to change and improve. If we do all this, our Sages explain, forgiveness is “guaranteed” (ומודה ועוזב ירוחם).

Second are the offenses to other people. If I harm someone financially, or if I hurt someone physically, or if I damaged someone emotionally offending him, insulting or embarrassing him. These offenses are NOT forgiven on Yom Kippur without a previous step. We can not fix with God the damages we did to other individuals. That would be religious hypocrisy. The damage inflicted intentionally or unintentionally to another person should be repaired first, with that person: the victim.

I have to amend materially what I did wrong: if I stole, return the stolen item. If I broke my neighbor’s window, pay for its repair. If I hurt someone physically (חובל) take care of medical costs. After I materially repaired the damage I did, I must also apologize to the victim. And finally, ask forgiveness from God for having hurt one of my peers.

Now, what happens when the damage had no material or financial consequences? In the event that the damage was emotional, I have to get close to that person and ask for his or her forgiveness. From a practical standpoint, the cases of emotional harm are more difficult to fix, since there is no material compensation to make up for the suffering of the victim.

Apologizing to people we have offended or damaged emotionally is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks we face before Yom Kippur.

As we prepare ourselves to ask forgiveness, we must overcome our shame (how am I going to admit that I acted wrong? !!), Our fear of rejection (what if he or she does not forgive me?) And especially our pride (No! I did not act wrong! He deserved it!).
Asking forgiveness is very difficult but absolutely necessary for our Teshuba on Yom Kippur.

Question: Can I apologize by phone or email? I do not think there is a single answer to cover all possible cases. But in my opinion, it is a matter of common sense. I believe that sometimes it is easier for those who ask forgiveness not to face their victim. So calling or emailing might work. I would say that regardless of the tools we use to ask forgiveness, the most important thing is that my apology would be sincere and credible: that is, not mixed with excuses, and as accurate as possible. There are some apologies that are not apologies: if I say, for example: “I’m sorry you felt offended by what I said.” Here I’m not admitting I did something wrong. What’s more, indirectly, I’m blaming the victim of being “too sensitive”! Which not only will not serve to repair my error, but it can magnify it.

Another classic question: “What if I badmouth a person, and that person does not know what I did… Do I have to apologize? Because if I ask forgiveness, maybe things would get worse?.” In this particular case, I think I can apologize without specifying what I did and said. However, when the victim knows what I did, my apology must be specific.

 



SELIHOT and the secret of the Mezuza

וכל עת שייכנס וייצא, יפגע בייחוד שמו של הקדוש ברוך הוא-ויזכור אהבתו, וייעור משינתו ושגייתו בהבלי הזמן

Yesterday we mentioned the poem “Ben adam ma lekha nirdam” which is about “waking up.” We explained that the idea of waking up is, on the one hand, practical, as in the month of Elul in Sephardic communities we wake up every morning an hour earlier to say Selihot.

We also said that the deeper meaning of this “awakening” relates to waking up from spiritual lethargy or forgetfulness. It is not uncommon, unfortunately, that we suffer from a spiritual asleep. And it is very easy to detect when the neshama, our soul is not awake or active. Just analyze your own thoughts: if you are not thinking about God and about the meaning of your life, it is because you are “asleep”.

In his book Mishne Tora , Maimonides refers twice to this spiritual lethargy. The second time, when he speaks of the Shofar (BH we will see this later on). And the first time, when he discusses Mezuza . Let’s see.
Maimonides states that certain Mitsvot act as protecting or guardian angels . One of these Mitsvot is the Mezuzah. But what kind of protection grants us the Mezuza? Protection against oblivion. We live very busy lives. We are flooded with all kinds of worries and distractions. Countless material needs that need to be fulfilled urgently. Bills to pay, debts, work, competition, etc. All this demands our full attention NOW. We become so distracted taking care of these urgent matters that we forget the most important: the purpose of our existence.
Obviously, the meaning of life is only relevant for those of us who believe in God. If an individual believes that we are in this world because of a cosmic accident, he is not going to be thinking about the question of “Purpose”, he would simply go ahead doing what he has to do to survive.
However, when a person knows that God created us, he also knows that he has done so with a purpose. And living with this purpose in mind (or looking and searching for this purpose) it is what gives meaning to our lives.
Can you imagine a person who believes in God and yet he or she is so absorbed in material distractions that forgets thinking about what is life’s ultimate goal? This is virtually spiritual suicide. A tragedy.

For Maimonides the Mezuza protects us from such “tragedies”. Every time we enter or leave a room, every time we go through a door, or from one side to another, the presence of the Mezuza forces us to stop and observe or touch the Mezuza and remember our Creator. The Mezuza helps us to regain consciousness of the purpose of our life and to differentiate between what is urgent and what is really important.

Maimonides explicitly mentions this quality of the Mezuza. In Hilkhot Mezuza 6:13, he says. “A person must show great care in [the fulfillment of the Mitsva of] Mezuza. Each time a person enters or leaves [a room with a Mezuza], he will encounter the name of God [and remember Him]. And then, he will wake up from his sleep and realize his obsession with worldly concerns and recognize that there is nothing that lasts forever except the knowledge of the Creator of the world. This will motivate him to regain consciousness [of his purpose in life] and thus he will direct himself in the paths of righteousness. ”
Maimonides considers that the Mezuza (and the Tefilin and the Tsitsit) is an angel of protection. Protection from forgetting our true mission in life. “These [Mitsvot] are the angels that prevent a person from falling into sin, as it is written [Tehillim 34: 8]” “The angel of God is around those who fear Him, and protects them.”



SELIHOT and our awakenings

בֶּן אָדָם מַה לְּךָ נִרְדָּם

AWAKENING # 1.
Today is the second day of Elul. We are less than 40 days away from Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. The day consecrated to do Teshuba, to repent, asking forgiveness, confess our sins, and make the decision to be better. Yom Kippur is a very important day. And we can not arrive at that day unprepared. That’s why during the month of Elul we train ourselves in the mood of Teshuba and begin to be more aware of our actions, values thoughts.
Among Ashkenazi Jews, once Elul begins the Shofar is blown. Among Sephardic Jews once Elul begins (actually 2nd Elul, “today”!) we begin reciting the Selihot. Selihot is a daily prayer said before the morning Tefilla (Shaharit) which lasts about an hour. This means that from today until Yom Kippur, we will have to “wake up” an hour earlier than usual. One hour less of sleep, which will be dedicated to reciting this important Tefillot.
As we will see BH in the coming days, the center of Selihot is the Viduy or confession, and the recitation of the 13 attributes of Divine Forgiveness or 13 Middot. But there are also many piyutim, religious poems that inspire us to return to HaShem. The first and one of the best known of these poems is “BEN ADAM MA LEKHA NIRDAM” which I would like to present below.
בֶּן אָדָם מַה לְּךָ נִרְדָּם
“Son of man, why are you sleeping? Arise and pray [to God] with supplications!

This piyut begins with an invitation to wake up. “Awakening” in a double sense. On the one hand, being that Selihot is said early in the morning, this poem reinforces our commitment to sacrifice our sleep and go to Bet haKeneset an hour earlier than usual.

AWAKENING # 2.
A deeper meaning, and probably the original meaning of this expression, is the invitation to the awakening of our consciousness. Let me explain: Given the amount of material obligations we have, given the pace at which we live, and the huge variety of distractions at our disposal, it is quite possible that our consciences are “asleep.” How can we identify the lethargy of our consciousness? Spiritual lethargy is manifested by the absence of deep thoughts. If we are not thinking about God and what He expects of us; if we do not ask why we are here in this world; if we do not reflect on the direction in which our life is progressing; if we do not re-evaluate our values and priorities, then our consciences are asleep. The spiritual awakening consists in refreshing these questions. Moreover, being “awake” means that the search for these answers becomes the main objective of our existence.
This beautiful expression in Hebrew ma lekha nirdam “why are you sleeping?” is from the book of Yona (1: 6). The captain of the ship that is about to sink rebukes the prophet Yona (Jonas), who was asleep, away from all worries, ignoring the dangers around him. Yona was in a situation of “escaping”, in an almost suicidal mood. He was literally getting away from HaShem. In the Selihot, these words refer to our own existential escapism. A stage we set for ourselves (involuntarily) to avoid the commitment involved in formulating the deeper questions in life. We choose to “escape” from these questions, which would usually lead us to God, and we get ourselves involved in our work, our routine or our material distractions.  The first call of the Selihot is the wake-up call to leave our denial and escapism.


SIXTH COMMANDMENT: You shall not murder and organ donation

We are finishing today exploring the Sixth Commandment, through examples which illustrate the extent and relevance of this commandant in our days, beyond the actual act of murder.
We will analyze today, very briefly a very complex subject: organ donation.  There are two types of organ donation: When the organs are taken from 1. living donors  and when they are taken from 2. cadaveric donors.
LIVING DONORS
This category includes for example, kidney donation; bone marrow and blood donation.

In the past, many rabbis, among them Rabbi Yitzchak Weiss and Rabbi Eliezer Yehuda Waldenberg z'”l, had certain reservations about the permission to donate a kidney, for example, because they thought that although a person can have a normal life with one kidney, the risks involved for the living donor, during and after surgery, were too high and would endanger his life.

In our days, however, donors are carefully screened physically and psychologically, and the surgical and post-surgical risks of complications for the donor have diminished dramatically, thanks to the advances of modern medicine. In one of his rabbinical response Rabbi Obadia Yosef z”l evaluates the objections of Rabbi Weiss and Rabbi Waldenberg, and asserts that since today the risks involved in kidney donation are so low, it is considered a great Mitsva to donate a kidney, fulfilling the commandment of saving a life, (piquah nefesh). Donating a kidney to save a life, he suggests, might be also required by the Tora’s commandment “lo ta’amod al dam re’ekha”, “You shall not stand still while your fellowman bleeds to death (i.e. is dying)” .
CADAVERIC DONORS
The most common form of organ donation and the one that is debated among modern Rabbis, is the cadaveric organ donation, i.e. donating the organs after one’s death. This is the organ donation which is alluded to in the driver licenses where one authorizes or not to remove his or her organs for donation.
With cadaveric donation there is a crucial point, entirely connected with the Sixth Commandment which needs to be defined. That is: the definition of “death”. Let me explain. Some organs, like the heart for example, cannot be transplanted after it stops functioning. The heart must be removed from the body of the donor while it is still beating. Up to the 1970s, this operation was impossible because irreversible cardiopulmonary failure was the only standard for determining death. But, later on, scientists developed ventilators and respirators which would maintain the breathing, avoiding the heart from stopping. In a situation known as ‘irreversible stem brain death’, the brain might completely stop its vital activities, while the patient would still be breathing and his heart still beating. Then, is this patient considered dead because his brain is dead, or is he considered to be still alive, because his heart is still functioning?
There are two opinions on this issue:
1. HEART. The stricter opinion holds that while the heart is beating and the person is breathing, the patient is still alive, even if the breathing is caused by a ventilator and even if his brain is dead. And therefore, taking his heart would be considered murder. The Biblical source for this opinion is that when man was created God insufflated in Adam’s earthly body a “breathing of life” (nishmat hayim), this indicates that life is determined by breathing.
2. BRAIN. The more lenient opinion also holds that breathing is the capital signal of life. But they explain that in order to be considered as a sign of life, breathing has to be autonomous. The Chief rabbinate of Israel issued a ruling a few years ago, indicating that in their opinion irreversible brain-death should be considered death, even if the patient is still attached to a ventilator, and his heart is still active.  They explained that although there seem to us that the patient is still breathing, once brain-stem death is determined, the control-center of autonomous breathing is irreversibly deactivated, and it has lost forever its control over the heart. Life is “breathing”, means, autonomous breathing, i.e. the capacity to breathe. A patient with a dead brain who still breathes is not really ‘breathing’. It is as if a decapitated body would be, somehow, connected to a ventilator: the heart would still beat because the hearth is an autonomous muscle and it could be kept functioning “mechanically” even when it is not controlled anymore by the brain-stem.  But, since there is no possibility for an autonomous breathing anymore, the patient is considered dead and under certain conditions, his organs might be removed for transplant.
ORGAN DONATION CARDS
In Israel (see https://www.adi.gov.il/en/) and in the US (https://www.hods.org/ ) there are two important institutions ADI and HODS which support halakhic organ donation and give the donor the choice to choose between the two above-mentioned opinions. Their websites have very important and serious sources of information on this issue.
Today’s halakha deals with a very delicate issues and it is written  for educational purposes only. For any practical issue,  please, consult with your community rabbi. 

 



SIXTH COMMANDMENT: Abortion and genetic diseases

We continue to analyze the Sixth Commandment and its application in complex medical situations. Yesterday we explained that the Talmud discusses and allows under certain conditions therapeutic abortion, i.e., when the mother’s life is in danger.

Now, except for medical reasons, abortion is strictly forbidden by Jewish law. However, Jewish law does not consider abortion as murder, i.e., a crime that would have deserved the death penalty in the days when the Jews courts applied execution. The Tora explicitly mentions the case in which a person negligently causes a pregnant woman to miscarriage her baby (Shemot 21:22) and does not consider this case as homicide, but considers other penalty for the perpetrator (ונתן בפלילים). In this regard, Judaism is different from other religions. For the Catholic church, for example, life begins at conception and it usually equates abortion with murder.
Abortion is viewed in Jewish law as injuring someone’s body or mutilation (חבלה), not murder (רצח, there are very few rabbis who disagree on this point). Since an individual is considered a legal person only once he or she is born. Before birth, the fetus is considered yerekh immo, a limb of the mother’s body . This consideration has implications, for example, for determining the legality of abortion when a congenital malformation of the fetus is detected. Such cases represent a new challenge in Jewish law. Why? Because obviously, the rabbis of the Talmud or the Middle Ages, Maimonides or Shulchan Aruch, did not address these cases, since only today we have the ability to determine the health of a baby in the mother’s womb. As it happens with other modern scenarios or medical situations such as organ transplant, etc. there is no Talmudic legislation which we can base upon to determine the law. And it is important to know that every time we can not find a direct precedent in Talmudic law, we will generally find more than one rabbinical opinion, which based on Talmudic analogies, not legal precedents, would usually arrive to different or opposite conclusions. The issue just mentioned, abortion in a case of genetic malformation is no exception to this rule. The case of Tay-Sachs, for example, a serious genetic disease that progressively destroys the nervous system and results in the death of the individual at a very young age, has been analyzed by modern rabbinical legislators (= posqim). And while most rabbis are inclined to authorize abortion in this specific case, there is no absolute consensus on the matter. Besides the type of malformation modern rabbis would also take into consideration for example, in what month of pregnancy the problem is detected; the emotional state and mental health of the family; how would the abortion be performed, etc.
From a halakhic point of view, in cases like this, where there are no direct Talmudic precedents and there is no consensus among the rabbinical authorities, each situation must be analyzed in particular, in consultation with the rabbis of one’s community, regarding the criteria to follow.

 



THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT: Abortion and homicide

The case of abortion primarily discussed by the Talmud refers to what we call today “therapeutic abortion”, i.e., when the life of the pregnant mother is in danger, and the doctors estimate that the only way to save her life is by taking out, sacrificing the unborn baby.  Independently of how Jewish Law considers the status of an unborn baby-we will analyze that later on-in this case, the early Talmudic sources (Mishna Aholot, 7:6, written ca.200 CE) already established unequivocally that if necessary, the unborn baby should be sacrificed in order to save the mother’s life.  The connection the Rabbis established between homicide and abortion, is not what most people would normally think.  The Mishna understand that this is a case of rodef (“chaser”, a potential killer) and therefore the principle of “self defense” is applied: If  A is attacked by B, if necessary, A can kill B to save his life (habba lehorgekha, hashkem lehorgo, Sanhedrin 72a). The baby, ironically, is viewed as an “involuntary” rodef.
A few generations later, the Talmud analyzes the Mishna’s statement and asks what happens when the baby is actually at the process of birth, and the doctors determine that if the delivery continues, the mother might die. Should we still apply the same criteria of self defense and allow to sacrifice the life of the baby to save the life of the mother? After all, in this extremely difficult situation, the mother is also a rodef toward the unborn baby! The answer of the rabbis, in very simple terms, is that before the baby is born, the life of the mother has priority, because the life of the baby is still a ‘potential life’. But once the baby is born, i.e. when at least the head and /or the majority of the body is already outside, his life could not be sacrificed, and both mother and baby are in an equal situation. The doctors should do their best to save both lives.

 



SIXTH COMMANDMENT: You shall not kill or You Shall not murder?

לא תרצח

The sixth commandment, at first glance seems to be the easiest commandment to understand. However, this is one of the most complex commandments, as it must be defined again and again to understand its extent, and is also one of the most relevant in modern times.
First, we should agree that You shall not”KILL” is a misleading translation. In English, as in Hebrew, there is a difference between killing and murdering. Killing may include ending the life of animals, while “murdering” is restricted to killing people. This command should then be translated then as “You shall not murder”.
As we said, although this commandment only includes two words, six letters, is very complex regarding its extent and inclusion.

To begin with, Jewish law, like American criminal law, distinguishes between different types of “murder”. In the following lines, we will see some of these categories, according to what the Rambam mentions.

First, there is a murder which is “permitted”; that is killing in self-defense. If someone approaches with the intention of killing me (in Hebrew: “rodef”) then I could kill the potential murderer to defend myself. The same happens if someone is about to kill an innocent person. I could kill the potential killer to prevent that murder.

Secondly, the case of accidental murder. This case is explicitly legislated in the Tora with the example of two people who go to work in the fields, to cut-down trees. One of the workers accidentally hits the other worker and causes his death. In this case, there is no intention to kill and not negligence. We could compare this case today with some types of traffic accidents, where the judges determine that the circumstances of the fatal accident were completely beyond the control of the driver. In this kind of cases, in biblical times, the unintentional murderer had to go into exile to the cities of refuge.

Third case, killing another person for negligence: “A” did not intend to kill “B”, but “A” should have taken some measures to avoid the accident. The classic example today is a person who drives his or her car at full speed and “accidentally” kills another person. This is called negligence, or in Hebrew: peshi’a. And the degree of responsibility of the perpetrator is obviously higher, although there was no intent to kill.

Fourth, a situation where a person intentionally hits another person without intent to kill him, but accidentally kills him.

And fifth, the case of premeditated murder, i.e., when “A” kills “B” intentionally. In this latter case, if the intentional murder is witnessed by two valid witnesses, death penalty would apply for the murderer (although, in the times of the Sanhedrin, the Supreme Court of the Jewish people, this individual was sent to prison and sentenced to death, but the actual execution would very rarely take place.)

Maimonides also mentions other types of homicide such as: intentionally causing the death of another person; murdering through a third party; suicide, etc.

Each of these cases deserves special analysis concerning intentionality, responsibility, punishment, etc. The interested reader can find all these cases and more in Mishne Tora, Sefer Neziquín, Hilkhot Rotseaj.
As you can see, we have summarized this complex issue in very few words. And we are just beginning exploring this commandment. In the coming days, we will see some other modern examples of the prohibition of murdering. Is abortion considered murder? Is euthanasia permitted in Jewish law? Can one disconnect the ventilator from a patient in a vegetative state? etc.


FIFTH COMMANDMENT: Honoring our parents, in special circumstances

כבד את אביך ואת אמך

The rabbis of the Talmud addressed the question of honoring one’s parents in special circumstances. We will see today two examples.
SENILE PARENTS
The Rabbis examined the case of Rab Asi, who lived with his elderly senile mother. He took very good care of her and did whatever he could to please her, honor her and not contradicting her. The Talmud illustrates his mother’s erratic behavior and Rab Asi’s reaction: one day she asked him to buy for her jewelry, and he brought her some. Another day she ask him to look for a husband for her. Trying to appease her, he told her, he will look for one… The situation got to a point where her requests were increasingly eccentric and her behavior turned more violent. Rab Asi then decided to leave her. The Rabbis explained that Rab Asi did not abandon her on her own, but left her with a kind person whom he hired to take care of his mother. The rabbis explained that Rab Asi believed that otherwise, in those circumstances, he will be forced to disrespect his mother and perhaps be coerced to physically restrain her. The Sages also explained that, for some reason, in this case Rab Asi’s mother’s behavior would turn more aggressive in his presence, but with somebody else she will be calmer. Based on this precedent the rabbis conclude that in certain circumstances the son or daughter might leave his elder parents under the care of another individual.  Obviously, each case is completely different from the other and must be addressed specifically.
I would recommend  that in no circumstances children will make this kind of decisions based just on intuition. Rather, one should consult with a social worker and with a Rabbi to determine what is the best thing one can do for his or her parents.
DISOBEYING PARENTS FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT
Honoring our parents includes obeying them and pleasing their wishes, especially when dealing with something they wish for their own benefit. But, what if the parents ask their son or daughter something which will be detrimental for them? For example: What should a son do if his father asks him to bring for him liquor, and the son knows the father will become intoxicated. Does the son still need to obey his dad and bring the liquor, following blindly his father’s order, or should he refuse to attend his father wishes?  The Rabbis agree that in this case the son should refuse to buy or get the liquor for his father, but he should do so with utmost respect, trying to dissuade his father reasoning with him. The son is not allowed to fight, yell at or disrespect his father in any way, even when the son is right. Modern rabbis bring a few other common cases. If the parent is diabetic and asks his son to bring him a sweet food, or when a father ask his son or daughter to bring cigarettes or anything that would cause a ‘significant’ damage to the father’s or mother’s health, i.e. anything the physician will forbid them to have. The rabbis agree that the son or daughter should refuse, but they insist that in all these cases, it is critical to maintain a respectful approach and avoid, God forbid, to offend or humiliate one’s parents while trying to protect them from harm. (Yalqut Yosef, Kibbud Ab va-Em, Bet, 46-60)

 



THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT: The way to honoring our parents

כבד את אביך ואת אמך… למען יאריכון ימיך

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live longer in the land that HaShem your God is giving you”.

To maintain the dignity of our parents while the Mitsva of honoring them is done, is something we learn from a passage in the Jerusalem Talmud, which states that “it is possible to feed one’s parents with exotic delicacies, and still be considered a wicked son; and it is possible to force a parent to work on milling, and still be considered a good son. ”

The Talmud illustrates these cases with two real stories:

The first case, a son fed his father very fancy food, exotic birds. One day the father asked the son: “where do you have the money from to afford these foods?” And the son said: “Quiet, old man. A dog eats quietly what he is giving, you also must eat your food without asking questions”. This son, the Rabbis said, will inherit hell.

The second case concerns a child who worked in the mill of his father. One day, the king summoned the mill workers to the palace to help with a very difficult job. The king asked each family to send one worker. The son decided to volunteer to work for the king, to avoid his father to be treated in an undignified way by the king’s workers, and asked his father to take his place in the grinding of the family. This son, who sent his father to work at the mill, the Sages said, “will inherit paradise .'”

When a son or daughter are assisting or helping their elderly parents, they must do so with joy and a positive body language. If a son or daughter helps her parents but makes the parents feel they are a burden, untold emotional pain is generated for the parents, especially when they depend exclusively on this child.
The rabbis explained that when we help our parents, we should talk to them with sweetness, with good words and with the respect that is due to a higher authority.

When elderly parents come to visit the house of their children, they must be received with love and honor. And the son or daughter should teach their own children to honor and respect their grandparents.

Finally, we quoted at the head of this article, the text of the 5th commandment that indicates the obligation to honor our parents. The Tora says: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live longer in the land HaShem your God is giving you”, this is the conventional translation of this pasuq: when caring for our elderly parents, we will merit to enjoy a longer life.

There is a second alternative reading of this pasuq: Instead of translating lema’an ya-arikhun yamekha as “so that you may live longer” we can translate it as “so when you may live longer”. Briefly, and in my own words: If you honor your parents, when you grow older you will deserve to be honored by your children in the same way you have honored your parents. This is, of course, a huge “natural” reward. And in my experience as a rabbi, this is a rule that has almost no exceptions: as we age, we will be treated by our children in the same way we have treated and honor our parents. Our children may not always hear what we say, but certainly, they always see what we do, and they remember and imitate what we did.

 



THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT: Honoring our parents

כבד את אביך ואת אמך
Today we will see some examples of honoring our parents
QIDDUSH
In most Sephardic families, children pay a special tribute to their grandparents and parents on the occasion of the Qiddush. The children would come to be blessed by their father and mother on Friday night, even when they are older. The parents or grandparents bless the child with the Priestly Benediction (yebarekhekha haShem veYishmerekha... Many parents would also say: yesimekha/yesimekh Eloqim) and any additional prayer that they want to offer to see their good wishes for theirchild fulfilled. Immediately after that, the children would kiss the hand of the grandparents and parents as a signal of honor, love and devotion.
ALIYA LATORA
When a grandparent or a father is called for an Aliya laTora, all the members of the family will rise at their seats in the synagogue honoring their elder. This recognition is accorded by children, younger brothers, and sometimes nephews of the elder, who has been called to the Sefer Tora. As he returns to his seat, his grandchildren and children express their reverence for him kissing the back of his hand. When an older patriarch of the community is called to the Tora it is not uncommon to find dozens of people rising in his honor.
NAMING OUR BABIES
Naming our children after our parents is considered one of the highest ways of paying honor (kabod) to the parents. It is an ancient tradition, very carefully kept in Sephardic communities. In general, the first boy will be named after the husband’s father’s name, the first girl after his mother, the second boy after the wife’s father’s name, and the second girl after her mother’s.
Now, in the Ashkenazi community, children would not name their babies after their parents while their parents are alive. Why? It is a very practical matter. As we explained yesterday, it is not permitted to call our parents by their name. We have to address them as ‘Father’, ‘Mother’. According to the Ashkenazi tradition, this restriction includes mentioning one’s parent’s name, even when calling somebody else. For example; if my father’s name is Ya’aqob and a friend of mine is called Ya’aqob, I shouldn’t call my friend by his name in the presence of my father, because it will ‘sound’ disrespectful to mention my father’s first name in his presence, even when addressing somebody else. Therefore, if my father Ya’aqob is alive and I name my son “Ya’aqob”, every time I would call my son in the presence of my father, it would be disrespectful to my father. And this is why, according to the Ashkenazi tradition, one should not name one’s children after one’s parents, while the parents are alive.
FINANCIAL SUPPORT
The Talmud (Kiddushin 32) asserts that children are not obligated to support their parents financially if the parents have the means to support themselves.
However, when the parents cannot work because they are too old, and/or they don’t have the means to support themselves, it is a Mitsva to support one’s parents financially and provide them with food, clothing, shelter, and whatever necessary for a livelihood with dignity.
The obligation to support one’s parents in these circumstances must be divided amongst all the children, based on each one’s financial ability.
If the parents have the means to support themselves but they don’t want to spend from their own assets and/or they choose to live in a very low standard of living, then the children are not obligated to provide additional financial assistance to their parents.