This Shabbat morning (July 17th) we will begin reading the book of Debarim and at the end we will read a special Haftara from the book of Yesha’ayahu (Isaiah). This Haftara is known as “Chazon” (from its first word) and by extension the Shabbat before the 9th of Ab is called Shabbat Chazon. This text of the Haftara is found in the book of Isaiah 1: 1-27, and is a prophetic vision in which this great Jewish prophet rebukes the inhabitants of Jerusalem for their lack of integrity and corruption.

The Haftara describes the sins that caused God to ignore their prayers and pleads and eventually led to the destruction of our first Bet haMiqdash. By reading and remembering the mistakes of our ancestors, we can reflect on our own behavior, improve our actions, and deserve to see our Bet haMiqdash rebuilt very soon, in our days.

Among the points the prophet mentions, his criticism of religious hypocrisy is worth recalling.

1: 14-15: “Thus said the prophet to the people of Yerushalayim in the name of haShem: [Thus says God], when you stretch out your hands in prayer, I will take My eyes away from you; Even if you offer Me many prayers, I will not listen to you, [because] your hands are full of blood. “

Yesha’ayahu denounces the corrupt people who kill steal, cheat in their businesses, practice bribery and corrupt justice, and simultaneously pray to God, expecting God to hear their prayers! As the prophet Yesha’ayahu says: these people came to the Temple, “with their hands stained with blood,” and offered sacrifices, as if God could be bribed with gifts or offerings in order to ignore their wrongdoings. These individuals, who were possibly very powerful, had a very immature and pagan idea of God. Yesha’ayahu explained to them that there cannot be a divorce between what a person does and how he prays. A Jew cannot practice all kinds of immoralities, and then go to the Temple and pray as if nothing had happened and everything is fine. As if God does not know, or is not interested, in his affairs outside the Temple. This is a completely pagan concept, in which the pagan gods are limited to the affairs within the sanctuary and had no involvement in the lives of their worshipers.

Yesha’ayahu explains to them that this is unacceptable: that honesty and morality, and the protection of the weakest, is an imperative religious obligation. And if a person behaves piously in the Temple but is corrupt in his business, he is a hypocrite! And HaShem detests religious hypocrisy more than non-religiosity. God is not secluded in the Temple. He knows what we do. He rejects the prayer of the corrupt and demands that our life be honest and virtuous not only in the Temple, but also (or especially) outside it.

Yesha’ayahu also tells them that they are not condemned to be forever ignored by God. He explains to them that if a corrupt person repents, improves his behavior and becomes honest, HaShem will accept him or her again. For this situation to be reversed and for God to be willing to listen to their prayers, they need to change: (1: 16-17) “… Purify yourselves [of your wrong deeds]. Stop doing evil, learn to practice justice, seek righteousness, defend the oppressed, fight for the cause of the orphan, and defend the widows.”

When HaShem sees our repentance ,He accepts us again and hears our prayers. This is what we can do to have the merit of seeing our Bet haMiqdash rebuild again.

כֹּה אָמַר ה’ צִיּוֹן שָׂדֶה תֵחָרֵשׁ, וִירוּשָׁלַיִם עִיִּים תִּהְיֶה

We are explaining now one of the five tragic events that we remember on the 9th of Ab, the Jewish National Day of mourning. This terrible event, perhaps the least known, is called in Hebrew: “the city (of Jerusalem) was plowed” (חרישת העיר).

As we explained yesterday, after the Roman Emperor Hadrian retraced his steps and suspended his decision to rebuild the Bet HaMiqdash, relations between the Jews and the Roman Empire began to worsen.

One of the most tense moments was when Hadrian, traveling through the Middle East,  (129-130 CE) identified a common practice that took place in that region, which belonged almost entirely to the Roman Empire: castration, especially of slaves and servants (eunuchs). Let me explain by the way, that following Biblical Law, Jews never practiced castration, even with animals, something that was (and still is) fully accepted in the non-Jewish world. Hadrian, then, banned castration and made it punishable with the death penalty.  The problem was that, for some reason, Hadrian extended the banning of castration…. to Jewish circumcision!

Despite the desperate efforts of the Sages to explain the Romans the nature of  circumcision, and the obvious differences between these two acts, Hadrian still prohibited circumcision and punished it with death. Some speculate that in doing so Hadrian was influenced by early Christians, who opposed the practice of circumcision because they believed that circumcision was replaced by baptism. Abolishing circumcision then, was considered a great victory for Christian’s theological cause.

This decree, which took place around the year 129, further affected the spirits of the Yehudim, who from one side were willing to sacrifice everything in order to fulfill the first commandment for a Jewish child, and from the other side, were in a state of collective despair. Jews had already lost hope of seeing the reestablishment of their Bet haMiqdash, and now they saw that the same tyrant was compromising the future of our Tora ands religion. Some Jews felt as if the Jewish people was at the verge of extinction. Ribbí Yishmael ben Elisha said: “Perhaps the time has come for us to stop getting married and bringing children into the world (Baba Batra 60 b)”.

But the banning of the Berit Mila was just the prelude to something as bad, or worse, that was about to happen … In that disastrous trip to the Middle East, Hadrian made another catastrophic decision that caused so much harm ands more despair to the Jewish people: Hadrian decided that he indeed will rebuild Jerusalem, but, the Jewish city was going to be transformed into a new Roman colony. Hadrian plan was to “erase” all Jewish memory of the city, and changing its name, so very soon Jews would forget “Yerushalayim” and stop asking for their Temple again! To make it worse,  Hadrian’s plans included the construction of a pagan temple for the Roman idol Jupiter… in Har-haBayit, the Temple Mount, the holiest place for the Jewish people.

Hadrian’s decision provoked an indescribable state of indignation and mayhem , motivating the Yehudim to start a rebellion against the powerful roman empire. But we will speak of this rebellion later. Now I would like to refocus on understanding what is the meaning of “the city of Jerusalem was plowed”.

Hadrian decreed that the name of Yerushalayim should be eradicated, and the new city would be known from now on as: “Aelia Capitolina” . “Aelio”, in honor of Hadrian, since it was one of his names, and “Capitolina” “, in honor of the Roman mythological deity, Jupiter Capitolino, to whom the pagan shrines of the new city were dedicated.

Now, what did the Romans do to rededicate a new city? Especially a new city that will be built over the ruins of an older city, and needs to be renamed?  In modern times, there are many different dedication ceremonies: such as the inauguration of the foundation stone in a building, the cutting of a ribbon, etc.  The inauguration ceremony for a Roman city or colony consisted of “plowing the city”, and establishing with the plow the new edges of the city. The act of plowing Yerushalayim and its temple Mount, symbolized its eradication ח”ו, and the inauguration of the new pagan city Aelia Capitolina. This “ceremony” took place on the 9th of Ab.

The event was “celebrated” by the Romans, as was their custom, by minting a commemorative coin. The text of this coin, which can be seen in the image above, says: Col(onia) Ael(ia) Capit(olina). On the coin you can clearly see Hadrian, representing Rome, plowing the soil of Jerusalem to dedicate the new Roman colony.

Now we understand better why the plowing of Jerusalem is one of the five tragedies for which we fast, we sit in mourning and we weep on Tisha B’Ab … Obviously, by remembering that on that day the city was plowed and renamed, we also remember with great pain all what we suffered under the rule of the cruel Romans, and its tyrant emperor Hadrian.

Note from 2018: I’m in Erets Israel these days, and as I’m writing these lines, I cannot hide my emotions, my pride, my gratitude to HaShem and my amazement at witnessing this  miracle: no one remembers today Hadrian, יש”ו, or his Aelia Capitolina. But every human being in the planet knows and recognizes nowadays the holiest city in the world, by its real name “YERUSHALAYIM”. And evryone knows now that Yerushalayim עיר הקודש  is our capital again!  Yerushalayim, its very existence, its beauty, its intense life, is the greatest existing miracle in our times.

Once the month of Ab begins, “our happiness decreases”, because we are preparing ourselves, gradually and emotionally, for the 9th of Ab, the day of national mourning of the Jewish people. Thus, Jewish tradition indicates that we should avoid certain activities associated with joy or celebration, engagement parties or weddings are not allowed during these days, in addition to the other restrictions that are already in effect from the 17 of Tamuz. See here and here.

We will focus our attention now on other topics mentioned by the Shulchan Arukh:  1. MASA UMATAN, 2. NETIA, 3. UBINYAN SHEL SIMHA (buying, shopping; planting and building in a context of celebration ).

MASA UMATAN SHEL SIMCHA:

It is customary to refrain from buying  new clothes, jewelry or other luxury items from Rosh Chodesh Ab until after the day of fasting, especially clothing that is needed for a celebratory occasion, i.e., a wedding. Now, if one has a wedding (his own wedding, or the wedding of one of his children, for example) immediately after the 9th of Ab, and he or she was unable to buy clothing or other supplies for the wedding before the month of Ab begins, or if the wedding will be held a few days after 9 Ab, but if he won’t buy certain items now, these articles will be more expensive after the 9th of Ab, it is allowed to acquire the items needed for the wedding.

It is also permitted to buy jewelry or clothing when you do it as a business or investment. Because then the acquisition is part of your commercial activity (which does not need to be interrupted during this period) and not a direct function of joy or celebration.

Buying something that is intended for a Mitsva is also allowed. For example, you can buy a new Tefillin or a new book of Tora. You are also allowed to buy non-leather shoes to use during Tish’a Beab.

NETIA SHEL SIMCHA

Our rabbis also forbade “planting for joy”, that is,  planting intended for ornamental purposes, such as flowers, myrtle, or other ornamental bushes. Watering or taking care of flowers or ornamental plants, however, is allowed.

Any planting intended for a real practical purpose is permissible. Therefore it is permitted to plant fruit trees in the Nine Days and it is also permissible for a person who earns a living from growing ornamental shrubs and flowers to plant them in order to sell them.

BINYAN SHEL SIMCHA

The Rabbis also forbade to build  “a house for the groom”: in the past, the parents will build a small one-room house in their premises for their soon-to-be-married son, and the new couple would use that house for the first year, i.e., until they have a child.  Therefore, initiating or continuing the construction of such a house would not be permitted because it is an extension of celebrating a wedding.

Modern rabbis also extended this regulation for other types of buildings and renovations: you should not start any unnecessary renovation or construction in your home, like painting the walls of the house or renovating the kitchen, once the month of Ab begins. However, if you need to build something, for example, you need an extra room for a  guest, or you need to fix or renovate something in the kitchen which can not wait until after the 9th of Ab, it can be done. Similarly, if one has already started to build, repair or renovate, one does not need to stop the job during the Nine Days. It is also allowed to build or repair in order to prevent a physical risk, for example, building a fence on the roof or near a window.

Building something that is for the benefit of the community (לצורך רבים) is allowed. It is permitted to build or renovate a Synagogue or a school during the Nine Days.

According to the Sephardic tradition one is allowed to buy, rent or moving into a new house until the beginning of the month of Ab. Now, if by not moving to a new house that one has already bought or rented, one would incur into a significant financial loss, then it will be permitted for to move into the new house during these days (המנהג להורות שלא להיכנס לדירה חדשה, קנויה או שכורה, בתשעת הימים. אבל אם עיכוב הכניסה יגרום להפסד גדול, מותר להיכנס ).

In short, what is forbidden during these days, from the beginning of the month of Ab until after Tish’a beAb, is to do any shopping, acquisition or construction or renovation when it is done primarily for enjoyment or celebration because in order to reach a mindset of “mourning” we need first to disconnect from celebrations and other forms of happiness.  However, when we buy or build or renovate or we moved into a new home for necessity, for business or to avoid a significant economic loss, it is allowed.

MUSIC AND MOURNING

As we have already explained, during the three weeks between the 17th of Tammuz and the 9th of Ab we observe certain customs of mourning. We do not celebrate weddings, we do not recite Shehecheyanu, etc.  What about listening to or playing music during these three weeks? The answer is not a simple “yes” or “no”, and ultimately depends on the tradition of each community. Why? Among other reasons, because the Shulchan ‘arukh, when mentioning the customs and restrictions of these three weeks, and in particular the restrictions once the month of Ab begins, does not indicate anything explicit about listening to or playing music during these days.

In the following lines, we are going to explain the different points of view about music and mourning in Jewish sources 

HAPPY AND SAD MUSIC

Music is one of the highest expressions of happiness. When the people of Israel crossed the Red Sea and realized that they were finally free from their Egyptian masters, they were led by Moshe Rabbenu’s sister, Miriam, to sing and play musical instruments expressing joy and happiness for their freedom. From Talmudic times or earlier, we know that music was also played at weddings and on many other festive and joyous occasions. Jewish tradition also refers to music in times of mourning. A person who is in mourning cannot play or listen to music, or attend a celebration where music is played, in the case of one’s father or mother, for an entire year. Thus, when a grieving person attends, for example, a Bar Mitsva, he may participate of the religious ceremony but does not participate of the party when music is played at that event.  With all these elements in mind,  we must ask ourselves: since music is one, or the greatest, expression of happiness, and music is avoided in times of mourning, is it allowed to play or listen to music during these three weeks, when we are remembering the destruction of the Bet haMiqdash?

I present two views of two contemporary rabbis, Rabbi Eliezer Melamed and Rabbi Obadia Yosef z”l.

THREE TYPES OF MUSIC

Rabbi Eliezer Melamed (Penine Halakha, Zemanim, 141-146) explains that not all kinds of music should be prohibited during these days. In his opinion, the original restriction of the Hakhamim about not listening to music as part of our mourning for the Bet haMiqdash, refers to celebratory music, that is, when music “invites” to dance, for example, or at a live concert, that people attend specifically to enjoy music. But not all music is “celebratory” music. Classical music; inspirational music or background music in a shopping mall or gym is not related to “celebration” or “happiness.” The same could be said of taking music classes or listening to the national anthem, etc. Rabbi Melamed also refers to melancholic music. The Talmud relates that in ancient Israel, sad music was played at funerals to inspire the hearts of the bereaved to enter a mood of sadness (Shabbat 151a). Based on the distinction between these three types of music (celebratory music, inspirational music and sad music), Rabbi Melamed says that: 1. One should avoid listening to celebratory music during the three weeks. 2. And until the beginning of the month of Ab, one might listen to inspirational or non-celebratory music 3. Once the month of Ab begins and until the 9th of Ab, only sad melancholic Jewish music would be allowed.

The popular Israeli religious radio station, Arutz 7, follows this opinion (www.inn.co.il).

SONGS vs. MUSIC

Rabbi Obadia Yosef z ”l has a different opinion. Based on a text from Maimonides, Mishne Torah (Ta’aniot 5: 12-15), where he mentions the mourning traditions that the rabbis established after the destruction of the second Bet haMiqdash. Among those restrictions, he says (5:14) “וכן גזרו שלא לנגן בכלי שיר וכל מיני זמר וכל משמיעי קול של שיר אסור לשמוח בהן ואסור… . “The rabbis also forbade playing musical instruments, and all kinds of music and any form of song. It is forbidden to rejoice with this music and listen to it; because we can’t forget the destruction of the Bet haMiqdash. ” While Rabbi Melamed explains that we should distinguish between joyful and melancholic music, Rabbi Obadia Yosef distinguishes between music played with ​​”musical instruments”, which Maimonides mentions in this text, and singing songs without musical instruments.  For Rabbi Yosef, what makes music joyful or celebratory is not its content, but the fact that the music is played with or without instruments. Rabbi Yosef indicates then that it is permissible to listen to or sing songs “a cappella”, that is, without instruments, until Rosh Chodesh Ab, even if the music is of a festive or celebratory nature.

It is a great Mitsva to make the groom and the bride happy (לשמח חתן וכלה). This Mitsva is fulfilled by being present in their wedding, dance with them and praise them.

This Mitsva could be fulfilled during the day of the wedding and during the following seven days as well, known in Hebrew as shib’at yeme hamishte, the seven days of celebration.

These days are marked by specific Laws and customs. Some illustrations:

1. The bride and the groom should refrain from performing labor during the week following their wedding. This is not the same prohibition as Shabbat or festive days (Yom Tob). Rather, the couple should avoid activities that will distract them from rejoicing. Nevertheless, there are some exceptions where the couple or one of them would be allowed to perform certain works (a time-sensitive business, a public service, etc).

2. During these days the bride and the groom should wear festive clothing and hold festive meals. It is a very old custom for relatives and friends to prepare the meals for the couple and host them in different locations. In the times of the Talmud the families and friends of the bride and groom would come (with the food) to celebrate at the new couple’s home (bet hatanim).

3. During this week, the couple is not formally obligated to make from every meal a festive celebration, they are permitted to eat normal, quiet meals as well. However, when the couple attends a meal in their honor which satisfies certain conditions (as we will explain later on) then the Sheba’ Berakhot, the seven blessing for  the bride and the groom, should be recited at the end of Bircat haMazon (Grace after a meal).

4. The seven blessings are recited only when the follwoing conditions are met:

a.There must be ten adult males present (the hatan is considered one of them).

b.The meal has to take place in the residence of the bride and groom (bet hatanim).

c. There must be at least two new guest (panim hadashot), who did not participate in the wedding and previous sheba’ berakhot.

When one of these conditions is not met, then if at least three adult male are partaking of the formal meal, they recite just the last berakha, asher bara

In some Sephardic communities in the diaspora the sheba berakhot are recited, whether the meal is taking place in the house of the groom or in a different place (consult your local rabbi). The  other two conditions, panim hadashot and minyan, are identical for every Sephardic community.

The Ashkenazi custom also allows reciting the sheba berakhot even if the meal does not take place in the residence of the new couple, and even if just one new guest, not two, is present at the occasion (Rabbi Knohl).

5. When the Sheba Berakhot are recited, the custom is to have two cups of wine: with the first cup, one says Birkat haMazon and at the end of the Sheba Berakhot, he himself says “bore peri hagefen”. With the second cup, they say the other six berakhot. Once the last berakha is recited, the wine of the two cups is mixed and given to the bride and the groom.   When only the berakha Asher Bara is recited, the custom is to say first bore peri hagefen and then asher bara.

כָּל דֶּרְֶך אִישׁ יָשָׁר בְּעֵינָיו
An individual always feels that his way of acting is the normal one…
Mishle / Proverbs 21: 2

A few years ago I read an eye-opening book: “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The book presents a very simple but extremely important idea: we do not express our love for others in one unique and universal way. In fact, all of us convey our affection in different ways. I helped and counseled many couples experiencing Shalom Bayit (lit. “Peace at Home”) issues, and I must confess that since I learned about this idea I was able to identify and assess better the conflicts at hand and assist the couple in a more effective way. Moreover, now I wonder if it is possible for husband and wife to live in harmony when you ignore the concept of “love languages”. It is only when you realize that it is normal for your spouse NOT to express his or her affection in the same way you do that you can overcome the misleading and often unconscious expectations which reflect your particular way of conveying affection. And if you fail to identify —and value— your spouse’s love language and you standardize your unique way of expressing love instead, you might feel he doesn’t love you properly, or enough.

Here is a summary of the five ways people express love.

1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. Many express their love for others , husband-wife, parents-children, through words of affection, praise and admiration which convey our deepest feelings. Other people are less expressive with words. A loving husband may feel a great love for his wife and kids, but for some innate or acquired reason, he may not feel the need —or he might not even be capable— to verbalize his love and formulate it with words. And when your love language is “words”, and you don’t know that people express love in different languages, you would probably feel frustrated and even unloved by your spouse.
2. TIME SHARING. Some individuals channel their love —and feel loved— when they spend time together with the person they love. For them “to love is to share… time together”. It makes them happy to be with their spouse: walking, talking, visiting a park, playing or reading something, enjoying each other’s company, regardless of what specifically you are doing. If you express your love in this way, for you ”it is not about WHAT you do but WHO you are with”.
3. GIFTS. For some people “gifts” are the main way, or one of the main ways, of expressing love in marriage. They would also process love through gifts: when you love me, you give me something, and vice versa. If your love language is “gifts” it does not mean that you are necessarily materialistic. In all cultures of the world giving gifts is a traditional way of showing gratitude or recognition. In marriage gifts might be symbols of love for one another. In a normal relationship the point is not the material value of the gift, but the fact that my wife thought about me or I thought about her in our wedding-anniversary, birthdays and other special occasions (particularly Jewish Holidays: there is a Mitzva, a religious duty, to make your wife happy by giving her gifts in Pesach, Shabuot and Sukkot!).
4. ACTS OF SERVICE. This means doing something for your spouse when he or she is not expecting it. Something that makes your spouse happy and at the same time is not part of your usual job description. A random act of service or kindness (chesed) done without expecting anything in return, but just to express love. A wife might, for example, feel that her husband is conveying his affection for her if he does something unexpected that is not part of his agreed upon duties. If, for example, he helps her with some specific chores that she usually does for herself (cleaning her car, taking care of dinner, etc.) without being asked to do so. Now, if the wife does not share this love language, she may not regard her husband’s special performance as an act of love, and she might overlook his affection. You see the problem?
5. PHYSICAL CONTACT. Many people convey their love for each other mainly through physical contact: a soft touch, a spontaneous hug, holding hands, etc. For many this is the “natural” way to convey affection, not only to one’s spouse but also to one’s children. When you express your love through this language, you also expect your spouse to express herself in this way, because you process love through physical contact.
   But what happens, in this and other cases, when for example the husband expresses his love in one language, and his wife fails to identify this as love, and feels unwanted or even rejected? What to to in these cases to plead each other, understand each other, and improve our Shalom Bayit?

To be continued

The decision to select a wife or husband should be made based on two factors, which must be in agreement: our emotions and our mind. In other words, if we have feelings toward a certain person, i.e., attraction, but the mind says that “it is not a good idea”, or if the mind says “yes”, but there are negative feelings toward that person, the Shiddukh should be reconsidered.