Honoring parents is a Mitzva that extends after our parents pass away. The Laws of Abelut (mourning) are stricter for parents that for any other relatives. There is a natural reason for it: unlike any other family member (spouse, children, brothers) we can only have one father and one mother. But the main reason is that this is part of honoring our parents after they are deceased.

From Me’am Lo’ez: “A person must honor his parents even after they are dead. if he mentions them or says something in their name during the first twelve months after their death he should add: hareni kaparat mishkabo (‘I’m the atonement for their resting place’). Indicating his readiness to accept any retribution destined to be meted out to the parent. After the twelve moths are over one should say: zikhrono librakha lechaye ha’olam habba “May his or her memory be for a blessing in life in the future world”. One should do this when mentioning his parents in speech or in writing”.

More examples:

When we do the keri’a -tearing apart our clothing in sign of mourning- for any other relative we cut our right side. But for our parents we cut on our left side, specifically because that is the side of the heart.

For our parents we keep 12 months of full mourning, while for every other relative we mourn for 30 days.

When a holiday cancels out the mourning, one can shave even before 30 days are over. Except for our parents that the 30 days have to be actually counted before shaving.

The rabbis explained that we come closer to God to the extent that we are willing to sacrifice, for the sake of the truth, material benefits for ourselves. The ultimate test of our appreciation for the truth is not philosophy, but our willingness to lose in business or in any other personal area, for the sake of the truth.

This is what the Torah intends when says: vehalaktha bidrakhav “And you shall conduct yourself -in your daily life- in His paths”. (Debarim 28, 9).

Think of of a person, who is considered knowledgeable in Real Estate, and he is asked by a friend or family member, to give his advice about buying certain property that just came to the market. This person, instead of telling truthfully that it is a good deal, lies saying that he is not sure about it, or that something might be wrong with that property, because he is interested in acquiring that property for himself. The same applies for example in the area of Shidukhim -dating- . If someone asks your opinion about certain girl -which you consider her to be a very
good person- but you don’t give a good reference about her, because you’re interested in her for yourself. These are all examples of harmful lies.

In all these cases, when a person is asked to give an opinion, and he tells the truth, despite having a conflict of interest, and he sacrifices his own benefit for the sake of the truth, this person is behaving with real yrat shamayim, fear and respect of God, and is “conducting himself through the paths of God”.

Every day, my father in law, who lives in Ashdod, Israel, would go to the market and come home with some delicious fruit or treat–declaring that he bought it in honor of Shabbat.

• This is the attitude with which we are supposed to welcome the Shabbat queen.Preparing ourselves to welcome Shabbat, every day of the week!

Maimonides (Rambam) writes in Hilkhot De’ot Ch. 1, that we all have different personalities and tendencies.

To illustrate, Maimonides brings a few examples of extreme character traits:

There are people who are constantly angry, they would explode for any small thing. From the other side, there are individuals who are so cold and indifferent, that nothing moves them to anger. There are people who are so greedy, nothing is ever enough for them. Others, are materially conformist with very few desires in their heart. There is a very proud man and one who is extremely humble.

These behaviors, explains Maimonides, are some times a product of our genetic build-up and sometimes they are acquired seeing our friends, family members, etc. . With time they become an integral part of our personalities.

Maimonides asserts that in this area, the good path is the middle path. The path which is equidistant from both extremes.

Anger, should be reserved for very special circumstances and only when by showing anger we will help to avoid something bad from happening again. Greed, should be balanced: desire all what you need, not all what you want. Don’t be stingy, neither ostentatious.

“This is the path of the wise man. Every man whose character is balanced and moderated, is considered a wise man (chakham)”

As a good doctor, Maimonides does not end just by telling us what is right and what is wrong. He will also teach us, next week, how to get to (and stay in) the middle path.

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Rabbi Yosef Bitton. YMJC | 130 Steamboat Rd. | Great Neck | NY | 11024

It is permitted to set an alarm system on a private residence which will operate on Shabbat, especially when there is a real possibility of life threatening situations.

The alarm system must be activated before Shabbat begins. If possible, one should by-pass one of the doors to be used by the family (some people would recommend to by-pass the front door, which ironically is less used by burglars to break in) and leave all other doors and windows ‘activated’. If this cannot be done, please consult a rabbi how to set the alarm system.

When the alarm is activated, there are motion sensors, typically located close to the ceiling, which some people cover or deactivate before Shabbat begins. In any case, it is not forbidden to walk though those sensors, although small led lights are activated by the motion of family members inside the house (pesik resheh derabanan dela nicha leh).

If the alarm accidentally goes off on Shabbat, and won’t stop by itself, one should try to have a gentile to turn it off. If that is not possible, it would be permitted for a Jew to shut off the alarm, because 1. the noise is disturbing the entire neighborhood, and it could affect sick people, etc. and 2. preventing or stoping the flow of electrical current is not Biblical -deoraiita- prohibition, (adapted from Practical laws of Shabbat, I, 335).

Saying the truth, speaking and acting truthfully, is one of the principles human civilization is founded upon (pirke abot 1, 18). The Torah exhorts us to tell the truth and keep away from lying. It also teaches us that there are some exceptional cases in which we are allowed – or even commanded- to alter the truth.

First we need to understand that spiritual growing depends on grasping the ‘true’ nature of our existence and living accordingly.

The God given tools to identify the truth are our intelligence (sekhel) and reason (Rambam).

The ultimate reality is God.

But it is not easy to hold ‘constantly’ in our minds the reality of God’s existence (let alone God’s Presence!) and live according to that Truth. Why? Becuase most people do not stop their lives to reflect where are they going or what are they living for? They are driven by pure ‘imagination’, constantly escaping, eluding, mocking or ignoring the reality of God’s existence, which is
also the reality of their own existence. Even those who are believers, often ‘forget’ of His existence and fall into the tricks of imagination.

The rabbis said that: “The seal of God Almighty is EMET” (the notion of ‘truth’), which means, that we should identify the ultimate reality as the reality of God. Therefore, whatever comes from God -the Torah: the book of His will- emanates from that source of truth too.

Living a truthful life begins by identifying the world of imagination around us and have a clear notion that the only true REALITY is God’s.

Maimonides (Rambam) affirms in Hilkhot De’ot that we’re all driven by habits. These habits are part of our personalities, either because of a natural (today we would call it: ‘genetic’) tendency toward a specific behavior or because we have acquired this habit, imitating our peers, family members, etc. With time habits -good and bad habits- become a second nature.

By being more conscious of how habits are formed and how they become part of our character, we might be able to control them.

Illustration:

What is more significant in terms of character formation? To give a big amount of money to charity at once or to give one dollar at a time? (We are not examining here the merits of the different charities, just the impact of this habit on our character)

Maimonides says:

“positive behavior characteristics are not acquired by doing (a one time) great positive act but rather through the repetition of many positive acts. For example, giving one thousand gold coins to one charity will not accustom a person to the habit of ‘generosity’, whereas giving one gold coin to a thousand charities will do so. By repeating an act many times, an established behavior or emotional pattern is formed. In contrast, one great act might represent a one time arousal to good, after which that motivation might disappear”.

Over time, one simple act repeated several times -a string of small experiences- can accumulate to become strong enough to overwhelm even a major experience.

Honoring our parents includes obeying them and pleasing their wishes, especially when dealing with something they wish for their own benefit.

But, what if the parents ask their son or daughter something which will be detrimental for them? For example: What should a son do if his father asks him to bring for him liquor, and the son knows the father will become intoxicated. Does the son still needs to obey his dad and bring the liquor, following blindly his father’s order or should he refuse the order?

Most rabbis agree that in this case the son should refuse to buy or get the liquor for his father, but he should do so with utmost respect, trying to dissuade his father reasoning with him. The son is not allowed to fight, yell at or disrespect his father in any way, even when the son is right.
The rabbis bring a few other common cases. If the parent is diabetic and asks his son to bring him a sweet food or when a father ask his son or daughter to bring cigarettes or anything that would cause a ‘significant’ damage to the father’s or mother’s health, i.e. anything the physician will forbid them to have.

The rabbis agree that the son or daughter should refuse the order, but they insist that in all these cases, it is critical to maintain a respectful approach and avoid, God forbid, to offend or humiliate one’s parents while trying to protect them from harm. (Yalkut Yosef, Kibbud Ab va-Em, Bet, 46-60)

Today, the 10th of Tebet, is one of the four fast days in which we remember the destruction of our first Temple, Bet haMikdash (586 BCE). On the 10th of Tebet the enemy started the siege of Jerusalem which provoked untold starvation, epidemic , etc . The Babylonians made a first breach in the wall on the 17th of Tamuz. Three weeks later, on the 9th of Ab, the Bet haMikdash was destroyed and most of the Jewish people were taken captives to Babylonia. A small remnant remained in Israel but a few years later, they attempted to rebel against the Babylonians killing Gedaliah ben Achikam on the 3rd of Tishri. The consequences were tragic: the small Jewish
population that had remained form the destruction of the Temple was also exiled.

These four dates 10 of Tebet, 17 of Tamuz, 9 of Ab and 3 of Tishri were established by our Rabbis as fast days inviting us to remember the destruction of the Bet haMikdash causing us to introspect and repent.

Not always have we fasted during these 4 days . After 70 years in Babylonia we came back to Israel and built the Second Bet haMikdash. The prophet Zekharia (see chapter 8, v.19) and Anshe Keneset haGedola canceled these fast days and turned them into days of celebration.

When the second bet haMikdash was destroyed, in the year 68 ACE we started to fast again.

May haShem Almighty turn once again these days of fast into days of celebration biMhera beYamenu Amen.

Shabbat Shalom!

Candle lighting in NYC: 4:11 PM
Shabbat Ends: 5:20 PM