SHALOM BAYIT: Complain more. Criticize less.

Conflicts and disagreement are inevitable in any healthy long term relationship. Marriage is no exception. Each of us has his or her own personality, character and point of view. Each one of us was raised and educated by different parents. And on top of all that, one of us is male and the other female, which as the Tora hints, were created “opposite” (kenegdo) to each other.

The key for achieving domestic harmony in this area consists in regaining control at how we argue. Are we disagreeing in a way that tensions would probably escalate, or in a way that words would eventually lead to a conflict-resolution?

To succeed, we must become aware of the difference between complaint and criticism.  While complaint is natural and sometimes necessary, criticism is always destructive.
1. Complaint is about specific issues, criticism is an attack on your spouse.  When you complain, you express your frustration with an unsolved problem or uncomfortable situation. When you criticize, you aim, intentionally or unintentionally, at hurting your spouse’s feelings.

COMPLAINT: We don’t go out as much as I ‘d like to, we need to go out more often….
CRITICISM: You are so insensitive, all you want is to go out with your friends…
COMPLAINT: “I have a problem with you not calling when you’re going to be late. I get worried. “
CRITICISM: “Why don’t you call when you’re going to be late? You just don’t care about the rest of us.”

2. When I complain I talk mainly about my feelings. When I criticize, is always about your flaws.
COMPLAINT: “It upsets me when I see the dirty dishes in the kitchen”  
CRITICISM: You left dirty dishes all over the kitchen again….

3. The ideal complaint should have 3 components.
1. A description of my feelings. 2. A description of the actions or things that upsets me. 3. A suggestion of what to do, say, or change.
COMPLAINT: (1) It upsets me when (2) I see your clothing out of their place (3) let me show you how to hang those pants. CRITICISM: You are just incapable of keeping your bedroom clean, are you? I hate to see the type of lazy person you have become.

Unlike complaints, criticism will trigger a defense or a counterattack from your spouse. Which will probably lead to more ad hominem verbal conflicts, quarrels, etc.   It is a loss / loss situation for both, and when pervasive, a self destructive cycle for your marriage.

Identify when you practice criticism, and if you cannot avoid it, turn criticism into complaints. 





TEHILIM # 01 True happiness and strong trees

In this Psalm David haMelekh explains that for a Jew the pursue of happiness begins by avoiding the company of bad or shallow people. Why? Because consciously or not bad people will impact us negatively and will drive us away from the path to happiness.
For a Jew, true happiness consists in following the ways of HaShem our God, by studying and following His Tora.
The third verse of this Psalm says that the man who follows the path of HaShem…
“…will be like a tree planted on streams of water, bearing fruits each season, its leaves will never wither, and he will prosper in all he will do”
PLANTED
David haMelekh compares a happy man with a tree. Why? First, because both grow. There is probably no bigger frustration than realizing our own stagnation. If we see that we are in the same spot year after year, we will become depress. Happiness is the effect of realizing that we have grown. When we study Tora, King David says, we are constantly growing. Emotionally, intellectually and in perfecting our character. The ideal tree is “planted” on watered ground. This is a strong tree, which will withstand to destructive winds. Water is constantly feeding its roots and stimulating its development. The ideal Jew constantly absorbs the waters of Tora, allowing the words of HaShem to nurture his soul and strengthen his principles.
FRUITS
This tree will bring forth its fruits. “Fruits” are the biggest reward for a man’s life of virtue. The fruits are man’s children, those who will continue the path of HaShem.  As oppose to the feelings of stagnation and unproductiveness of those who live idle lives, when a man bears fruits, he sees that his path will continue, even after he is gone.
LEAVES
Unlike fruits which are beneficial to the tree itself and its continuity,  leaves produce a shadow that can be enjoyed by others. Man’s happiness consists not just in assuring the perpetuity of his actions, beliefs and principles but also by becoming kind and productive to others.  Like a tree that freely offers its shadow to everyone that needs it, a good man practices charity and offers helps to those in need.
For David HaMelekh, a happy man is the one who nurtures from Tora, develops strong principles, sees his children following the right path and is generous with those who seek his help, “He will prosper in everything he does”.
Dedicated to Rivkah and Jacob Bitton for the birth of their baby boy.
 

 



Rabbi Shaul haLevi Mortera (1596-1660)

Rabbi Shaul haLevi Mortera was born in Venice, Italy, in 1596. He was a descendent of Portuguese Jews. In 1616 Rabbi Mortera escorted the body of the famous Jewish doctor Eliyahu Montalto, the personal physician of Maria di Medici, from Paris to Amsterdam. There, the new Sephardic community appointed him as their new Rabbi.
In Amsterdam, Rabbi Mortera continued his studies under rabbi Ytshaq Uziel, a rabbi from Morocco. He founded the school Keter Torah, in the highest class of which he taught Talmud and Jewish Philosophy. After a few years he was appointed as the Head of the rabbinical court of the  community of Amsterdam.
Later, he founded and taught in the famous Yeshiba Ets haHayim. Among his students were Rabbi Moshe Zacuto, Rabbi Abraham haCohen Pimientel (author of the book “Minhat Cohen”) and Baruch Spinoza.   Rabbi Mortera was one of the three dayanim which pronounced the excommunication (herem) against Spinoza on July 27, 1656.
Rabbi Mortera’s most famous book is Gib’at Shaul (here) written in Hebrew, Amsterdam, 1645. A collection of fifty sermons, selected from over 500 sermons, on the weekly sections of the Tora.
Rabbi Mortera was an expert in compared religions, and at that time, when many Jews who lived under the Inquisition for generations were coming back to embrace Judaism, it was critical to teach these “New Jews” (most of them educated in convents) the principles of Judaism, and particularly the differences between Judaism and Christianity.    He wrote many books for these Jews, in Portuguese  and Spanish. Among them: Tratado de la Verdad de la Ley de Moshe, written originally in Portuguese. In this work he defends Judaism against the attacks of Christianity and explains the Jewish view on the Mashiach, immortality of the soul, God’s revelation,  etc. clarifying the Jewish understanding of the Biblical verses the Church used to sustain their beliefs.
 
SOME OF THE BOOKS RABBI MORTERA  
WROTE for the “NEW JEWS”
 
Preguntas Que Hizo Un Clerigo de Ruan de Francia. 
A defense from the attacks of a Catholic priest against the talmud.  
Providencia de Dios con Israel
Why God chose the Jewish people? How this choice is manifest? 
  
Memorable relacion para confucion de aquellos que niegan la providencia divina
The Jewish belief in God’s constant providence and supervision (hashagcha)   
Obstaculos y opociciones contra la religion Christiana
A critical view on the principles of Christianity   
Tratados varios relativos a la religión judía
Basic principles of Judaism for “new Jews”.    
La eternidad de la ley de Mosseh
The eternal Law of Moshe, the Tora, cannot be replaced by a new testament. For more information see this

 



Pirqe Abot, 2:8: Rabbi Magriso on overeating

He [Hillel] used to say  “the more meat [i.e., food] the more maggots”.
In this Mishna we are taught that excess in the satisfaction of our basic needs is not necessarily good. On the contrary, it hurts us.  Anticipating the modern medical view on the destructive consequences of overeating Rabbi Ytzhaq Magriso (18th Century Turkey) writes: “Hillel explains that all wordily things are meaningless, fleeting and impermanent. One may expect pleasure from these vices, but the effect is often the opposite. The first vice [mentioned by Hillel] is overeating…  one feels good and strong after a large meal, and feels that he can go in this manner forever. But the net result is often obesity… Overindulgence in eating and drinking can bring about many sicknesses, an much human illness is the result of not keeping one’s mouth closed.  If one eats too much, he ends up shortening his life span.”
Judaism does not preach to suppress our basic needs. But when we indulge in excesses, these needs turn into vices or what we call today addictions. Overeating; the insatiable craving for wealth; excessive laziness; excessive attention to sex. etc. are all self destructive
Rabbi Magriso concludes:
“Thus, the more a person indulges in worldly vices believing that this will lead to a good life, the more the opposite becomes true.  A man should get along with the minimum required to live a respectable life, and not seek more. The opposite of the vice of overindulgence in eating and drinking which shortens one’s life, is the increase in the study of Torah. As the master says, ‘The more Torah the more life’ .”
The Tora we learn “is not merely an external gain, but it becomes an integral part of a person. It is thus something that one carries with him even after death. In this respect it is the exact opposite of worldly vices, which are entirely external. Nothing of these [food, material wealth, etc] can be taken along when one dies.  No matter how much one gains of the worldly, everything is left behind”.

 



PIRQE ABOT, Rabbi Eliezer on character assassination

…המלבין פני חבירו ברבים… אע”פ שיש בידו תורה ומעשים טובים
אין לו חלק לעולם הבא
Rabbi Eliezer from the city of Modi’in says in Pirqe Abot that when a person embarrasses someone else in public, he might loss his share in the world to come, the afterlife. He emphasizes that even thought the perpetrator might be a fully observant Jew and a kind and generous person, if he is abusive, offends or embarrasses  someone else publicly, he looses his part in the next world.  Why such a terrible punishment for something apparently so trivial?   For the rabbis embarrassing, offending or bullying a person in public, is not a small thing. They actually compare this type of abusive behavior with “murdering”. 
Like murdering, public embarrassment is a sin beyond repair.   It could happen in our work place or even to our children at school or in the bus. These crimes could go unseen for a long time, because many times the victims of bullying, especially if they suffer from low self esteem, usually do not denounce the perpetrators (and low self-esteem gets lower as an effect of this bullying. Do you see the vicious cycle here?).  Maimonides (Hilkhot Teshuba 3:14) explains that in order to prevent these destructive behaviors, the rabbis warned us that embarrassing or offending someone else, carries the maximum possible penalty: loosing our afterlife.  
 Surprisingly, it seems that today general society has arrived to the same conclusion as the Rabbis of the Talmud in terms of the similarities between verbal offenses and murder. The following is a priceless text quoted directly from Wikipedia (“Character assassination”) which captures what the Talmud explained in the 5th Century. “For living individuals targeted by character assassination attempts, this may result in being rejected by their community, family, or members of their living or work environment. Such acts are often difficult to reverse or rectify, and the process is likened to a literal assassination of a human life. The damage sustained can last a lifetime or, for historical figures, for many centuries after their death.”



KOSHER MONEY: Loving HaShem with all your possessions

The economic life of a Jew, his attitude toward material assets, his ethical conduct in buying and selling, etc. should reflect the religious values of Judaism. 
Although many Jews, and the same goes for people from other religions, tend to dissociate economic behavior from religious practice, the truth is that the Tora deals with financial matters, as much or perhaps more than with other areas of religious life.  Integrity in business, aspiring to financial equality, helping the needy, free-interests loans, terumot uma’aserot (taxes) etc. are just some examples of the ample spectrum of financial subjects the Tora deals with.  
Many times, observing the laws of the Tora implies the sacrifice of financial gains.  The rabbis referred to this type of situations analyzing two words from the Shema Israel ובכל מאדך 
We say in the Shema, “You shall love HaShem your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all of your power.” “All your heart” and “all your soul” we understand easily. But what does “with all your powers” mean? The rabbis explained that “power” means possessions, money, assets. The Gemara explains: your love for your God has to exceed your love for your money. If we keep the laws of the Tora in financial matters, for example, sharing our profits with the needy, rejecting any participation in fraudulent activities, etc. we might be loosing money. Loving HaShem  בכל מאודך means that a Jew has to be willing to sacrifice his money for the sake of his love to HaShem. As we will explain BH in the coming weeks, the Tora does not require us to take oaths of poverty or renounce material wealth. On the contrary, rabbis have a positive attitude to honestly gained wealth. “With all your possessions” means that HaShem and His Tora should be placed above money. Shabbat is a great example.  When a Jew in retail business closes his store in Shabbat, or when a young Jewish professional rejects a good job offer because she won’t work during Shabbat, they are doing exactly this: serving God with our possessions,  by placing HIM above them. 



Rabbi Isaac Cardoso (1608-1687)

Rabbi Isaac Cardoso was a Jewish physician, philosopher and polemic writer. He was born as Fernando Cardoso into a marrano family in Beira, Portugal in 1604. His family, as many other Jewish families in Portugal, kept Jewish observance secretly for many generations. 

Fernando studied medicine, philosophy, and natural sciences at the prestigious university of Salamanca, Spain.  He excelled in his medical practice and in 1632 he became the chief physician of Madrid.   In Madrid he published an article on Mt. Vesuvius, analyzing the causes of earthquakes. He also composed a funeral poem (elegy)  for the famous Spanish poet Lope de Vega and a treatise on the uses of cold water, dedicated to King Philip IV of Spain.  Fernando Cardoso left Spain and settled in Venice where he embraced publicly Judaism.  In Venice he changed his name  to “Isaac.”  After a short stay in Venice he settled in Verona, where he remained until his death, highly honored by Jews and Christians.

Aside from the works already mentioned, Cardoso published a comprehensive treatise on cosmogony, physics, medicine, philosophy, theology, and natural sciences, printed at Venice in 1673 under the title Philosophia Libera in Septem Libros Distributa.

He wrote his most famous Jewish book in Spanish,  “Las Excelencias y Calumnias de los Hebreos”, printed in 1679 at Amsterdam.  In the first ten chapters of this long book he describes the “excelencias” (distinguishing features) of the Jews, their selection by God, their separation from all other peoples by special laws, their compassion for the sufferings of others, their philanthropy, chastity, faith, etc.; and in next ten chapters he refutes the “calumnias” (calumnies) brought against them; that they worship false gods, they have a tail,  smell badly, are hard and unfeeling toward other peoples, have corrupted Scripture, blaspheme holy images and the host, kill Christian children to use the blood for ritual purposes, etc.

This book was submitted in 1679 to Rabbi Shemuel Abohab in Venice. Rabbi Abohab praised the book and thanked rabbi Cardoso for his splendid work. 

Those who can understand classic Spanish can read now “Las Excelencias y Calumnias de los Hebreos”, directly from the original source, thanks to Hebrewbooks.  See  THIS.  

A brief text from the introduction


“El pueblo de Ysrael, al mismo passo amado de Dios que perseguido de los hombres, ha dos mil anios desde el tiempo de Nebuhadnezar que anda esparzido en las naciones….de unas maltratado, de otras herido, y de todas desespreciado, sin que haya monarquia o reyno que no haya desembainado contra el la espada…”

My translation (Y.B.): 
The people of Israel, at the same time loved by God and persecuted by men, has been two thousand years, from the times of Nebuhadnezzar,  scattered among the nations…. abused by some, wounded by other, and despised by all, there is no monarchy or kingdom that has not drawn its sword against him



YOM HAATZMAUT: 66 years of reconciliation

The 5th of Iyar, or May 14th, 1948, was one of the greatest days in the history of the people of Israel. That day, Israel’s Independence Day or Yom haatzmaut, we regained our political independence and sovereignty over the land of Israel. After almost 1900 years of exile, at the mercy of uncountable tyrants, we finally are able to determine our own destiny, have our own army and defend ourselves from our restless enemies.  
But there is more to Yom Haatzmaut: the establishment of the State of Israel is the atchalata de-gueula, the first step toward our redemption.  A very important Sephardic rabbi, rabbi Yehuda Bibas,  (1776-1852) explained that the return to the land of Israel is our return to HaShem, and His return to us. A reconciliationbetween HaShem and His chosen people. 
What is the source of this beautiful idea?  Let’s read carefully the first 5 pesuqim of Debarim (Deut.) Chapter 30. 
In the previous verses, the Tora anticipated that if the people of Israel abandons God’s Tora, they will be taken to exile and live oppressed and persecuted among the nations. Now, the Tora says, a new thought might awake inside you. 30:1 “And when all these things come upon you (=the exile, the captivity, the suffering)…  and then you introspect in your heart, while you are among all the nations where HaShem your God has driven you…“. This pasuq describes the beginning of Teshuba, our return to HaShem. Teshuba begins from us. First, with a new thinking: all this suffering, what is happening to the nation of Israel, was predicted by the Tora thousands of years ago! If abandoning haShem has caused all this suffering, coming back to Him will redeem us. 
This thought has to awake a feeling (…in your hearth…), the feeling of longing to HaShem, our Father who loves us and whom we love.   30:2 and then, if you return to HaShem your God, and obey His voice, as all that I command you today, you and your children, with all your heart and with all your soul. These thoughts and emotions are translated into actions.  Now, we are coming back to HaShem. With heart and soul. With passion. We are back in track. Reengaged in God’s covenant.  
Then is HaShem’s turn. The biggest miracle is about to be described: 30:3 then HaShem your God will bring back those captives(=the Jews who were exiled among all the nations of the earth),and He will have mercy on you, and he will gather you again from all the peoples where HaShem your God has scattered you.  God’s response to our Teshuba is “gueula”, gathering us from among all the nations. 30:4 Even if your captives are in the ends of the horizon, from there HaShem your God will gather you, and from there He will take you. No matter how far we are, He will make it happen. He will bring us back from the “galut”  
30:5 and HaShem your God will bring you into the land that your fathers possessed, so that you may possess it. And he will make you more prosperous and more numerous than your ancestors.  The process of Teshuba is taking place in our days.   More and more Jews are coming back to haShem, to His land or to His Tora, or to both. Israel is prosperous, and growing in numbers. Every year tens of thousands of Jews come back from the end of the planet. Our reconciliation with haShem has began. We are the most privileged generation of Jews. We are living the fulfillment of prophecy.  We ARE this prophecy.
Yom HaAtzmaut Sameah!  



YOM HAZIKARON: 23,169 z”l

Israel Independence Day, YOM HA’ATZMAUT, which will begin tonight, celebrates the anniversary of the establishment of the State of Israel. 
  
Today, YOM HAZIKARON, the day preceding this celebration, is devoted to honor the memory of those who sacrificed their lives for the achievement of Israel’s Independence and its continued existence.
  
They are Israel’s heroes and, as Nathan Alterman called them, “The silver platter on which the State of Israel was given to us” . 
Today in Israel tens of thousands of people attend the local cemeteries to mourn their children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, and friends.    23.169 soldiers and victims of terrorism who fell on the wars of Israel, from the Independence war in 1948 until today. 
In the morning, at 11.00 am, a siren sounds across the country. Everyone and everything stops for two minutes: people, cars, businesses, public transportation, etc. honoring the memory of the fallen heroes. Many Israelis would spend the day at home watching on the Israeli National TV the short clips prepared especially for the occasion, in which they show the lives, the bravery and the heroism, particularly of the soldiers and victims of terror who were murdered this year.
  
  

Please, light a candle in their memory. 
  
May HaShem treasure their souls in the Gan Eden.
May HaShem protect our soldiers and shield them from the hands of our enemies.   
May HaShem bring peace, everlasting peace, to Medinat Israel. AMEN  



JEWISH BUSINESS ETHICS: Introduction

“Many of us have a mistaken idea of what is within the compass or scope of our religious traditions. People know that lighting Hanukah candles is something you talk about with a rabbi, observance of the Shabbat, the laws of Kashrut, etc., but many people have an attitude that if I don’t tell the rabbi how to run his business, the rabbi shouldn’t tell me how to run mine. Very often, we live fragmented dichotomized lives where what we do in the office from 9 to 5 (or if you’re a workaholic from 8 to 7), is our own private affair and then at home we observe the holidays, or the rituals of Judaism, on the weekends, or three-days-a-year, or whatever.
And yet we find in the Talmud a very interesting statement. The Talmud discusses what types of questions people are asked by God after their deaths. They come up to heaven, God asks them a variety of questions. The very first question that we are held accountable for after our deaths is “nasata venetata be-emuna?” which means “did you conduct your business affairs with honesty and with integrity?” This question is were we ethical in the conduct of our business. If you look throughout the Torah, you will see a constant juxtaposition between the ritual commands of Judaism and the ethical obligations between one human being and another. One verse may say, don’t eat meat and milk together and the other verse will say, do not cheat in business, do not misrepresent, do not engage in fraud, because these are all part of the same religious structure. The notion of a dichotomy between ritual behavior and social behavior is a division that is totally foreign to Judaism because all of them are part of the same God-given basis of morality.”
Adapted from “Jewish Business Ethics: An Introductory Perspective” by Rabbi Yitzchok Breitowitz
SHABBAT SHALOM!
Candle lighting in NYC             7:33 pm
Shabbat ends in NYC                 8:34 pm