The best age to get married

The first Mitsva mentioned in the Tora is Piryia veRibyia, the commandment (and God’s first blessing to mankind) to get married and bring children to this world

Two thousand years ago, in Pirqe Abot, the Rabbis said that a man should get married when he reaches 18 years old. They said that God himself “watches him and waits for him from 18 to 20 to see him getting married”. However, the Rabbis themselves explained that if the boy is busy with his studies and fears that once married he will have to stop studying (itbabtel min haTora ) he could postpone his marriage (Shulhan Arukh, Eben haEzer 1:3). Some rabbis suggest that marriage should not be postponed beyond the age of 24 years old, even in these circumstances.

Clearly, according to our Rabbis, it is preferable to get married young. But they themselves acknowledged that there are other elements beyond age to be taken into consideration. For example, the maturity of the boy and the girl, which is essential to have a happy life and a successful marriage (=Shalom Bayit), and the possibility to provide for the basic expenses of a family. Maimonides writes on this las point: “Those who are emotionally-balanced (derekh ba’ale hade’a) is that they first secure a job which enables them to provide for their livelihood; then they get a home, and then, they get married. But those who are emotionally immature (tipeshim), first, they get married, then they try to get a place to live, and then they look for a job…” (De’ot 5:11).

We can see that, in the Rabbis’ opinion, the younger one gets married, the better. Especially when one is emotionally mature and has the means to live a decent life, then marriage should not be postponed unnecessarily.

Can a younger sibling get married before the older?

Normally, every family expects the older daughter or son to get married first. This is the accepted tradition and there are two sources to support this idea. One is an allusion to this ancient custom from the words of Laban to Ya’aqob, when Laban refused to give his younger daughter Rahel in marriage before Leah. He said: “In our place, this will not be done, giving the younger (to marriage) before the older” (Bereshit 29:26). The second and more solid source is the case of the five daughters of Tzelofhad, who according to our rabbis got married according to their age.

Nevertheless, the Rabbis see this tradition not as a matter of law but as a matter of preference. They do not mention any prohibition for the younger brother or sister to get married first, if she or he are at the age of marriage.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein has a very interesting interpretation of this tradition. In his opinion (IGM, EH’E 2:1) giving the priority to the older sibling to get married, applies only when both of them are engaged. Then, the wedding of the older sister or brother must take place first. But other than that, if the younger sibling finds her spouse first, she should not be prevented from the opportunity.

In many communities it is customary that in this case, the younger brother or sister asks formally permission from his older sibling (let us not forget that honoring the older sibling is part of the Mitsva of Kibbud Ab va-Em), and the older sibling is expected to give his or her blessing wholeheartedly.

The day of the Wedding: Sephardic and Ashkenazi traditions

Although the basic elements of the Jewish wedding are exactly the same , there are some customs which different from community to community and even from family to family. In the following lines I will present very briefly a few examples of customs that vary between the Sephardic and the Ashkenazi tradition.

FASTING BEFORE THE WEDDING

In many Ashkenazi communities, the custom is that the groom fasts on the day of his wedding. This fast is part of the process of Teshuba that the bride and groom undergo, since according to the Gemara in Yebamot 63b and the Talmud Yerushalami in Bikurim 3:3, the transgressions of the Hatanim are forgiven when they get married, if they do Teshuba. The tradition of Sephardic Jews, particularly according to Rabbi Obadia Yosef, is that the groom should not fast because, among other reasons, for the groom his wedding day is like a Yom Tob, a festive day, and the process of Teshuba should be carried out differently, for example, by praying and studying more intensely that day.

BEDEKEN

In the Ashkenazi tradition, prior to the actual wedding ceremony, the groom accompanied by his parents, friends, and the Rabbi amidst joyous singing of his friends, covers the bride’s face with a veil. The veiling and unveiling of the bride reminds the event in which Ya’aqob Abinu took Leah as his first wife believing that she was Rachel. The bride wears this veil until the conclusion of the Hupa ceremony. In Sephardic communities the bride enters to the Hupa veiled, but the veil is removed in the qiddushin, when the groom gives the ring to the bride and consecrates her as his wife, since the witnesses must be able to recognize the bride.

UNDER THE STARS

In many Ashkenazi communities the custom is to get married under the stars, i.e., weather permitting, the Hupa would take place outdoors and at night. In Sephardic communities there is no such custom, and wedding ceremonies take place outdoors or indoors indistinctly. According to the Sephardic tradition (Minhag Yerushalayim) the wedding ceremony should take place preferably during the day, prior to sunset.

ASHES ON THE GROOMS FOREHEAD

Similarly, when a groom marries, he should place ashes on his forehead, on the place where one wears tefillin.

Maimonides Ta’aniyot 5:13, Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chaym 560:2

וּכְשֶׁהֶחָתָן נוֹשֵׂא אִשָּׁה לוֹקֵחַ אֵפֶר מַקְלֶה וְנוֹתֵן בְּרֹאשׁוֹ מְקוֹם הֲנָחַת הַתְּפִלִּין.

WALKING AROUND THE GROOM

In most Ashkenazi communities, when the bride comes under the Chupa she walks around the groom seven times. According to Kabbalistic sources, the seven rounds represent the seven days of Creation: “Since every marriage is a re-enactment of the creative process, she walks around the groom to indicate that these seven cycles are now repeated”. Sephardic Jews do not practice this custom.

THE CHEDER YCHUD

In the Ashkenazi tradition, immediately after the wedding, the groom and the bride seclude themselves in a Cheder yichud, a locked room in which they remain together and alone for a few minutes. Most Sephardic Rabbis, and particularly Rabbi Obadia Yosef, reject this Minhag. They explain that the Yichud of the Hatan an the Kala takes place not after the Hupa ceremony but after the party ends, and the bride and the room go to their private room.

Who can act as a witness, and who can not?

As we have explained yesterday Jewish Law requires the presence of two adult male witnesses in a marriage ceremony.

Not any man is competent to act as a witness.

Some illustrations:

Biblical Law disqualifies the testimony of a relative. This is learned from the verse in Deut. 24:16 which describes capital punishment “Parents are not to be put to death for their children…. nor children put to death for their parents”

Jewish Law explains that in the same way relatives are not competent to testify in a criminal case, they are disqualify to testify in any other case, civil, commercial, etc. Now, once we know that relatives are disqualified as witnesses, we need to clarify what is the degree and nature of the closeness which would disqualify a person from bearing testimony in a wedding ceremony. For example: is a second or a third cousin considered a close relative? Is a brother in-law considered a relative to this effect? etc. The law that explains which relatives are qualified and which are disqualified as witnesses is very complex and they can be found in the Shulhan ‘Arukh, Hoshen Mishpat chapter 33).

Three examples:

1. The Mishna in Sanhedrin 3:4 lists as disqualified witnesses the following relatives: father, brother, uncle, brother-in-law, stepfather, father-in-law, and their sons and sons-in-law. The rule was extended to cover nephews, cousins and many other in-laws.

2. There is another important rule known as “ishto kegufo”, lit. “his wife, as himself”. Which means that the husband of a relative is disqualified as his wife is. For example: if the wife is the bride’s sister or cousin, her husband cannot act as a witness, even though he is not a blood relative of the bride.

3. Witnesses who are related to one another are incompetent to testify together, even when they are not related to the bride and groom.

Aside from relatives Jewish Law also disqualifies a man to act as a witness until he reaches the age of 13. In some other legal cases, to buy o sell real estate for example, the minimum age required by Jewish Law is 20 (MT, Edut 9:6).

The wicked (resha’im) are incompetent to act as witnesses. This includes: criminals, swindlers, perjurers and informers. Individuals who have committed capital offenses, thieves and robbers, usurers, tricksters, gamblers and gamesters, as well as idlers who are suspected of spending their leisure in criminal activities (see more details in Shulḥan ‘arukh Ḥoshen Mishpat Chapter 34).

A man who has no basic knowledge of Tora (Bible) or Mishna, nor of civilized standards of conduct (derekh erets), is presumed to be idle and disorderly and therefore is considered to be incompetent as a witness. This presumption, however, is rebuttable by evidence that, notwithstanding the man’s illiteracy, his conduct is irreproachable.

A person called to attest or testify together with another person whom he knows to be incompetent as a witness must decline to testify, since the incompetence of any one witness invalidates the testimony of the whole group of witnesses.

This is why in a marriage ceremony the Rabbi will very carefully select two witnesses and indicate to the groom to appoint them “to the exclusion of all others”, i.e., other people who are incidentally witnessing the ceremony and who might not qualify as witnesses.

The witnesses of the KETUBA

After the Ketuba is read, it is signed by two witnesses. The role of the witnesses is obviously witnessing to the marital status of the couple when necessary. In this respect, the requirement of the presence of witnesses in a Jewish wedding is similar to the requirement of witnesses in any other legal, religious or secular events and ceremonies. Most states in the United States, for example, require the presence of two witnesses in a civil marriage (though in some states, like California, you can have a private wedding without witnesses).

In Jewish law, witnesses play another very important role. The witnesses actually validate the marriage. Technically speaking, the presence of a rabbi is not a requirement sine-qua-non for the validity of a Jewish marriage, as it is for other religions, or as it is the presence of a judge in a civil marriage. In theory, all that is needed for a Jewish couple to be considered legally married is the presence of two witnesses during the key moments of the ceremony (see below). The witnesses act as “notaries” who validate and give a public (as opposed to private) status to the marriage ceremony. Without the presence of two witnesses, a ceremony of Jewish marriage is invalid, even if a rabbi was present.

The presence of witnesses is required twice during the ceremony:

(1) qiddushin: When the groom gives the bride the ring, saying: “Behold you are consecrated to me as my wife, by this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel.”

(2) Ketuba: When the Ketuba is accepted by the bridegroom through the qinyan. The two witnesses also sign the Ketuba.

Although halakhically not necessary, in many communities it is customary for those who act as witnesses of the act of qiddushin to be also the witnesses of the qinyan and sign the Ketuba.

According to what we have explained earlier, that the witnesses actually validate the marriage ceremony, the reader will understand that one of the most important responsibilities of the rabbi who presides the wedding ceremony, perhaps the most critical responsibility, is to select the witnesses. Because if a witness is not suitable to act as such, the marriage is not valid.

We will see now some rules related to the assignation of the witnesses.

a. How many witnesses are needed? In the wedding ceremony two witnesses are needed. This is the general rule not only in the case of marriage but also for almost all legal acts (there are very few exceptions where the testimony of one witness is sufficient, for example, aguna). The rabbi who presides over the ceremony is in charge of assigning the witnesses, and he would usually ask the groom to reassign the witnesses he chose “to the exclusion of any other witness.” This is necessary because if someone were to act on his own as an additional eyewitness, and he is unfit to be a witness (for example, a relative of the bride or groom) the entire testimony and the wedding itself will be invalidated. That is why the groom has to assign explicitly the witnesses, usually by saying, atem tihyiu ‘eday, excluding any other person from functioning as an additional witness.

KETUBA (Part 2): The financial obligations and the signing

The Ketuba is the document that records the obligations of a Jewish husband toward his wife. Its text has three parts:

1. The date and place of the wedding and the names of the bride and groom (see KETUBA, Part 1).

2. The husband’s obligations toward his wife while they are married, summarized in the three principal biblical duties (see The Rights Of A Jewish Wife).

3. The financial obligations the husband assumes, in particular the monetary compensation his wife is to receive if, God forbid, the marriage is dissolved. This is in fact the most important section of the document and by far the longest, roughly 75% of the text. The amount is calculated from three elements:

1. Iqar Ketuba, the basic sum of the Ketuba.

2. The Nedunya, or dowry.

3. The Tosefet, or additions to the principal sum.

IQAR KETUBA: this is the sum Jewish law sets as the minimum compensation a woman is entitled to receive from her husband if the marriage is dissolved. There is a debate among the rabbis as to whether this compensation is biblical in origin (Rashi) or rabbinic (Maimonides). The sum, also called the mohar, is two hundred zuz. While the present-day monetary value of those two hundred zuz is disputed among contemporary authorities, in Talmudic times two hundred zuz was what a person needed to support himself for one year: food, clothing, lodging. In other words, it is the equivalent of a year’s basic wages.

NEDUNYA: the second element is the nedunya, often translated as “the dowry.” It includes all the valuables and assets the wife brings into the estate of her new family. The Ketuba gives as examples silver and gold items, jewelry, utensils, bedding, clothing. These are mentioned explicitly to show that the woman is not arriving at the marriage empty-handed. Technically the husband has the right to use the assets of the dowry if he needs to, but he accepts responsibility for any losses. These assets become for him what Talmudic Hebrew calls “iron sheep” (tson barzel), meaning that his financial responsibility for them never expires. So if the marriage is dissolved, the husband must restore to his wife the dowry recorded in the Ketuba, or its value, over and above the sum mentioned earlier.

Now, regardless of the actual value of the dowry, the ancient custom is to record the wife’s assets at the fixed sum of “one hundred pieces of silver” (mea zequqim dekhesef), which by some opinions, at today’s silver prices, would be roughly $17,000. That was the average value of what a bride brought in her dowry. Why record a uniform sum rather than what each bride actually brings? Jewish tradition holds that this uniformity avoids any distinction between a bride from a wealthy family and one who is not. It spares the embarrassment of the one and the ostentation of the other. So whatever the value of the dowry a bride brings into her marriage, the husband obligates himself to restore it, if the marriage is dissolved, at the fixed sum of one hundred pieces of silver.

TOSEFET: the third component is the voluntary additions. Two are normally added. First, the increment on the dowry, traditionally equal to the dowry itself: the husband doubles its value with another hundred pieces of silver. Second, there is an increment to the principal Ketuba that the husband pledges to his wife. In some communities the amount of this increment is stated in local currency. In others, to avoid mentioning sums of money at a wedding ceremony, the text says only that the husband will add an increment to the principal sum without specifying an amount. The figure is generally set according to local custom.

As the reader will understand, the money mentioned in the Ketuba has nothing to do with money the husband “pays for the bride” or to her family. Those are prejudices based on ignorance of what the Ketuba actually says. The Ketuba is a marriage insurance policy, in which the man declares that if the marriage is dissolved he will compensate his wife with a significant sum, restore the assets she and her family contributed, and add to that whatever additional increments local custom calls for.

THE KETUBA AS A COLLECTIBLE DEBT

עד שבא שמעון בן שטח ותיקן שיהא כותב לה: כל נכסי אחראין לכתובה (כתובות פ”ב)

The Ketuba, then, is similar to marriage insurance: if the marriage is dissolved, it establishes the sum the husband has to pay his wife as compensation. Its function is to protect her. Without the Ketuba, a divorced woman could be left alone and unprotected, as was the case in most non-Jewish civilizations until modern times. The Ketuba makes sure this does not happen to a Jewish woman. And at the same time, as the rabbis explained, it serves as a powerful deterrent against a husband making the rash decision to divorce his wife, knowing that if he does he takes on a serious financial burden.

Originally the Ketuba was more of a mohar, a gift or inheritance the husband voluntarily left his wife. This created a situation in which many women remained unmarried, out of fear that their husbands would leave them with nothing. For that reason a number of clauses were added at the end of the text so that it could be collected even if the husband did not have enough liquid assets to cover its value. The text states that if the husband does not have the money to compensate his wife in the event of divorce or death, his property will be seized and executed by the Bet Din, the rabbinical court, to pay the value of the Ketuba to his ex-wife or his widow.

This clause was established by Rabbi Shimon ben Shatah (120–40 BCE), who is credited with formulating, or reformulating, the Ketuba. In other words, he turned the Ketuba into a collectible debt rather than a voluntary gift or bequest. So after calculating the total compensation, the text lists a long series of clauses stating that all real property (qarqa) and movable possessions (metaltelim) are mortgaged to this Ketuba. The groom commits to paying the Ketuba even with “the shirt on his shoulders.” And he commits that the Ketuba will be binding on his heirs, who may not necessarily be his wife’s children, during his lifetime and after it.

THE SIGNING OF THE KETUBA

Finally, the Ketuba is signed by two witnesses. But before that, it is formally and legally accepted by the husband through a legal procedure called qinyan. The qinyan is done as a barter (qinyan sudar or halifin), an exchange in which goods or services are traded for other goods or services. Here the officiating rabbi hands the groom an object — usually a handkerchief, a pen, or anything else except food or coins — and the groom declares qibbalti alay beqinyan…, “I formally accept upon myself all the obligations of the Ketuba.” Then, lifting the object he received from the rabbi, the groom acquires it, and in exchange transfers the rights of the Ketuba to his wife.

After the qinyan is performed, the Ketuba, which is written from the point of view of the witnesses, states VEQANINAN… “And we have acquired (that is, we have witnessed the procedure of acquisition, or qinyan) from the groom… to the bride… and we attest that all is valid and confirmed (sharir veqayam).” These last words are the rabbinic formula indicating that the document is complete, so nothing further may be added to the text of the Ketuba except the signatures of the two witnesses and of the groom.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton

KETUBA (Part 1): What is the Ketuba and what does it say?

The word Ketuba means “document.” Despite what many people assume, the Ketuba is not a contract between husband and wife. It is the document that sets out the obligations of the husband toward his wife while they are married, and the provisions that protect her financially if the marriage is dissolved or if the husband dies. In that last sense the Ketuba is a marriage insurance policy, where the beneficiary is the wife and the benefactor is the husband. It is not strictly a contract, since the wife’s obligations toward her husband are not recorded in it. For that reason the Ketuba is signed by the husband and two witnesses, but not by the wife.

Now that we understand what it is, let us go through the text itself. The Ketuba is divided into three parts.

FIRST PART: THE DATE, THE PLACE, AND THE NAMES

The Ketuba records, first of all, the basic information any legal document would include: the date of the wedding, the city and state where it takes place, and the names of the bride and groom.

If we were writing a Ketuba today in Yerushalayim, it would read: “On the fourth day of the week (Wednesday), the thirtieth day of the month of Sivan, which is the first day of Rosh Hodesh Tamuz, in the year 5775 from the creation of the world, in the city of Yerushalayim…”

Next come the names of the couple. First the groom’s name followed by his father’s name — for example, YOSEF BEN YAAQOB — and the family name. It must also be noted whether he is a Kohen or a Levi. Then the bride’s name and her father’s name, likewise noting Kohen or Levi.

In addition, and especially outside of Israel, the names of the couple and their parents must be written in English, Spanish, or whatever the local language is. If the groom’s Hebrew name is YOSEF but everyone calls him “Joseph,” the Ketuba will read YOSEF DEMITQARE JOSEPH, that is, “Yosef, also known as Joseph.”

The names of the bride, the groom, and their parents have to be written with extreme care. The rabbi who writes the Ketuba must know not only how to spell the Hebrew names correctly, but also how to render non-Hebrew names in Hebrew letters, which is sometimes tricky, since not every consonant or diphthong has an exact Hebrew equivalent.

The first part of the Ketuba also states the bride’s previous marital status. If she has not been married before, the Ketuba says betulta. Some communities simply write kalata, “the bride.” If the bride is a widow or divorcee, the Ketuba must record it: metarakhta or armelata — divorcee or widow — in Aramaic, the language of the Ketuba.

SECOND PART: THE HUSBAND’S OBLIGATIONS

The second part sets out the husband’s obligations toward his wife. The groom declares that he is legally taking her as his wife “according to the law of Moshe and Israel,” which means he accepts all the responsibilities of a Jewish husband.

The Torah established the three principal duties of a husband toward his wife (Shemot 21:10):

she-erah: providing his wife with food.
kesutah: providing her with clothing and shelter.
onatah: living with her.

These three obligations are explained in detail, with Maimonides’ illustrations, in MISHPATIM: The Rights Of A Jewish Wife.

THIRD PART: THE FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS

The third part, which is the longest section of the document, sets out the monetary compensation the wife receives if the marriage is dissolved, and the clauses that make the Ketuba a collectible debt. It is explained in KETUBA (Part 2): The financial obligations and the signing.

Rabbi Yosef Bitton

The Talet under the Hupa

Immediately after the ceremony of the giving of the ring (qiddushin) the groom wears a Talit (a prayer shawl). The custom is to use a new Talit, usually given to the groom by the bride. If it is still daylight time, the groom should recite two blessings: lehit’atef betsitsit and Sheheheyanu. If it’s already nighttime, he would recite only one blessing: Sheheheyanu.

According to rabbi Obadia Yosef, if the Hupa takes place during the day, the groom wears the Talit in the same way he wears it every morning: first, covering his head with it (‘atifa) and then, placing it on his shoulder. If the wedding takes place during the night, then the groom does not need to cover himself with the Talit.

After that, and in both cases, the talit is placed over (or “on”, depending on the custom ) the heads of the groom and the bride (Yalqut Yosef p. 136).

Before wearing the Talit, the groom pronounces the blessing Sheheheyanu. This is a blessing of praise to HaShem for the privilege of being able to live a particular new happy occasion. When the groom says this blessing for his new Talit, he has to bear in mind that he is also giving gratitude to HaShem for the merit of his new wife, his new home, etc.

Why does the groom use a Talit during the Hupa?

Rabbi Obadia Yosef mentions many reasons (and pesuqim, see Yalqut Yosef p. 132). One of them is that the Tora mentions the Mitsva of Tsitsit, next to the Mitvsa of marriage ( Debarim 22:12, marriage; 22:13, Tsitsit). It is interesting to notice that, because of this reason, whereas in Sephardic and German Jewish communities it is customary that a Jewish boy wears the Talit once he becomes Bar-Mitzva (or even before), in Eastern European Jewish communities it is customary for the Jewish man to begin wearing the Talit only after he gets married.

In his book “Made in Heaven” Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan mentions a very original reason. He explains that the Talit is given to the groom by the bride as a token of reciprocity for receiving a ring from him. “Just as the wedding ring symbolizes that she is bound to him, to the exclusion of all other men, the Talit symbolizes that he is bound to her, to the exclusion of all other women” .

After the groom wears the Talit and recites Sheheheyanu, the Ketuba is read.

Tomorrow, BH, we will begin to explain what a Ketuba is.

The ring

Previously, we explained that the Jewish wedding consists of two steps: Qiddushin and Hupa, which today are integrated into one single ceremony.

We will begin by describing the Qiddushin.

THE RABBI: There could be many Rabbis invited to participate of the wedding, but the bride and groom should appoint one Rabbi to be the mesadder qiddushin, the Rabbi who would preside over the ceremony. This Rabbi will be responsible for the order of the wedding and for all the legal aspects of the wedding. Among other things: 1. Verifying previous to the marriage the Jewishness of the bride and the groom. 2. Preparing and writing the Ketuba. 3. Appointing or approving the witnesses (this will be explained later on). etc. The Rabbi mesadder qiddushin recites the first two blessings, known as “birkat irusin”.

BIRKAT IRUSIN: Holding a cup of wine in his hand the rabbi would say first: “Bore Peri haGefen” (Blessed are You, HaShem, the Creator of the product of the vineyard). The main Mitsva of the wedding ceremony is “happiness”, i.e., to make the groom and his bride happy. Wine represents happiness, as it says in Tehilim (Psalms 104) “and wine would make man’s heart happy” (see video below for another original explanation). The second berakha says: meqaddesh amo Israel ‘al yede hupa bekiddushin. “Blessed are You HaShem, our God, Who consecrate us with His commandments … and allowed us to be married by the Hupa with the Qiddushin”, which is a blessing by which we praise HaShem for establishing in His Tora the institution of marriage, for the sake of preserving our morality and the sanctity of the Jewish family.

After reciting these two blessings, the Rabbi drinks from the wine, gives the cup of wine to the groom, and after the groom tastes the wine, the cup is given to the bride’s mother and she gives it to her daughter. One of the reasons that the mother, and not the groom, brings the cup to the bride, is that at this moment (the betrothal/qiddushin) the bride is still more “the daughter of her parents” than “the wife of her husband”.

THE RING: Once the Rabbi who presides the wedding pronounces the first two blessings, the ceremony of qiddushin takes place. The consecration of the bride is done by the means of a qinyan, a legal process by which the bride and the groom are officially engaged. Technically, this qinyan could be done in a different ways. For example, by the groom giving the bride a document (shetar) that states his intention to betroth her in accordance to Jewish Law. Alternatively, it could be done by the groom giving to the bride anything of a minimal value. However, in most communities the custom in our days is that the qinyan qiddushin is performed by giving a ring, he wedding band, to the bride (to the best of my knowledge, the only exception is the Syrian community in NY, where the qiddushin many times is done with a silver coin instead of a ring).
The ring to be used at the qiddushin should be plain without any stones or accessories. The ring needs to belong to the groom. This is the reason why he Rabbi would normally ask the groom about the ownership of the ring, making sure that the ring belongs to the groom, and he has not giving it yet to the bride, etc.
During the ceremony there is no exchange of rings between the bride and the groom. It is only the groom who gives a ring to the bride. The groom consecrates the bride as his wife, and the bride consecrates herself to the groom. Exchanging rings at the ceremony would be an imitation of a gentile ceremony. In many communities, however, the groom would wear his ring, if he wishes to do so, before the Hupa begins.

The ancient origins of the Jewish wedding ceremony

Maimonides explains that the institution of marriage is a Biblical innovation (MT Hilkhot Ishut 1:1). Before the Tora was given to the Jewish people, he says, a man would find a woman, bring her to his home and they would live together and bring children without any public commitment or formal ceremony. Also, since in ancient times there was no institution of marriage there was no formal process of divorce. If one of them wished to leave the family, he or she could do so at any moment.

The Tora established the Mitsva of marriage: when a man and a woman wish to live together, first, they should get married . This is learned from the Pasuq in Debarim 22:13 “When a man takes (=marries) a woman …” .

Jewish marriage is a ceremony of a public nature and therefore it requires the presence of two witnesses. It is also an accepted standard that, in normal circumstances, the wedding will be held in the presence of at least a Minyan, ten adult men.

The wedding consists of two steps: qiddushin (or irusin) and hupa (or nisuin). The first one, qiddushin is the formal and legal betrothal or engagement (not to be confused with the proposal/engagement we do today). The qiddushin is done mainly to seal the formal commitment to getting married. The qiddushin is performed by a legal process called qinyan (lit. acquisition) . The standard custom today is doing this qinyan by giving a ring to the bride. Although, in some Syrian communities, following a very ancient custom, the groom gives the bride a silver coin instead of a ring. When the groom gives the ring to the bride, he consecrates her saying: “Behold, you are consecrated to me (to be my wife ), with this ring, according to the law of Moshe and Israel”. Upon receiving the ring, the two are formally engaged. However, the couple still cannot live together. They will be considered formally married only after the Hupa.

It is very important to mention that in Talmudic and pre-Talmudic times, this first step of the wedding, or qiddushin, was celebrated usually one year before the actual wedding ceremony or Hupa took place. During that year between the qiddushin and the Hupa the couple was formally engaged but not married. They would still live each in his or her parents home. Still, the woman was considered me-orasa or formally betrothed. Thus, if the couple decided to disolve the qiddushin, the process of a formal divorce was required.

The year between the qiddushin and the hupa was consecrated to building the new house, preparing the wedding dresses, the food and everything needed for the Hupa and for the seven-days party which follows the Hupa (sheba berakhot). That year also served to strengthen and build up the relationship between the bride and the groom in the spiritual and emotional realms, in anticipation for their intimate life as husband and wife.

This year period between the qiddushin and the Hupa is not in practice anymore. In our days, the qiddushin is done under the Hupa, as part of the same ceremony. Why? There were many practical issues that demanded this change. For example, the persecutions Jews suffered in exile. Imagine if the groom had to run away to save his life. If that happened, the bride, who was now in a state of betrothed-but-not-married, will not be able to marry to someone else in the future because she needed now a GET, a formal divorce bill, from her groom. Because of this and similar circumstances, we do now the qiddushin and the Hupa at the same time.

Today, the Jewish wedding ceremony consists of the giving of the ring (qiddushin) and the Hupa. These two steps are now completely integrated, and most people would not know or realize that, formally, these are two different ceremonies.

Rabbi Israel Najara (1555-1625) and the Jobar Synagogue

The Jobar Synagogue, Eliyahu haNabi, considered the oldest in the world, was destroyed in May 2014 during the Syrian civil war.

Rabbi Israel Najara ישראל בן משה נאג’ארה was born in Safed, Israel in 1555. At a very early age, his family moved to Damascus, Syria. The family Najara comes from “Nájera”, a small town located in the “Rioja Alta” , Spain, on the river Najerilla.

In Damascus, Rabbi Moshe Najara led the Mishmarot. Among many Syrian Jews, the custom of Mishmarot continues to this day. These are long Tora study sessions held on the eve of Rosh Chodesh and every Shabbat afternoon.

Due to his father’s position, Rabbi Israel Najara did not serve as an active rabbi in Damascus. Instead, he served as Chazan (liturgical cantor) and rabbi (traditionally, in Sephardic communities, these two roles were often held by the same person) of the Jewish community of Jobar (pronounced Dyobar or Djobar), a suburb of Damascus.

The city of Jobar was predominantly Jewish. The historian Shams Ibn Tulun al-Dimashqi, who died in 1546, wrote:
“Jobar is a Jewish village with some Muslim presence.”

Jobar was famous for its synagogue: Eliyahu haNabi. We have a fascinating description of the city and its synagogue from a rabbi and traveler, Rabbi Moshe Basula:

“The city of Jobar is one mile from Damascus. The Jewish community of Jobar has 60 Musta’arabim families (= native Jews belonging to the ancient Syrian community; the term Musta’arabim is typically used in contrast to ‘Sephardim,’ the Jews who came from Spain. Eventually, both communities merged). In the city, there is a beautiful synagogue, unlike anything I’ve ever seen… with six columns on the right side and seven on the left.
The synagogue, called Eliyahu haNabi, was built above a cave. People say this is the cave where Eliyahu haNabi hid [when he fled from King Ahab], and that the synagogue dates back to the time of the prophet Elisha. [At the entrance to the synagogue, halfway up the right wall], there is an irregularly shaped stone, where one can see the imprint of multiple footprints. According to tradition, this is where Elisha anointed Hazael [king of Aram, ancient Syria].
The synagogue was restored by Rabbi El’azar ben Arach. People told me that many miracles took place in this synagogue. During times of persecution, the Jews would gather there to find refuge from their enemies.”

Rabbi Israel Najara became very famous for his poetry. He wrote hundreds of religious poems known as piyutim (we know of 346), mainly focused on the suffering of the Jewish people and the yearning for redemption. His most famous poem is probably Y-ah Ribbon ‘Alam Ve‘Almaya, a liturgical poem written in rabbinic Aramaic, which has been adopted by both Sephardic and Ashkenazi communities. Another well-known composition is the Ketuba for the Festival of Shabuot, a poem read in many Sephardic communities on Shabuot, which compares the covenant between God and Israel to a marriage ceremony.

Rabbi Najara also authored a book titled Mikve Israel, a collection of 40 sermons he delivered in the Jobar synagogue. In these sermons (derashim), Rabbi Najara weaves together profound Talmudic ideas with philosophy and Jewish mysticism. Notably, his father, Rabbi Moshe Najara, was a student of the renowned Mequbbal the Ari z”l haQadosh, who held Rabbi Najara’s poetry in high regard and once said:

“His poetry is greatly cherished in Heaven.”

In his sermons, one can see that philosophical and mystical elements were secondary for Rabbi Najara. His focus was on Musar — the ethical and moral teachings of the Talmud. Rabbi Najara aimed to teach and inspire people to improve themselves and refine their character. He often emphasized the importance of tsedaqa (charity), mutual financial support, and gemilut jasadim (acts of kindness not necessarily involving money), such as visiting the sick, comforting mourners, and more.

In the final years of his life, after the death of his father, Rabbi Najara moved to the city of Gaza, in Israel. He served as the rabbi of the Jewish community in Gaza until his passing in 1625, and he is buried there. Upon his death, his son, Moshe, succeeded him in this position.