SEGULOT: The Secret to Finding Your Soulmate (shiddukh)

SEGULOT: The Secret to Finding Your Soulmate (shiddukh)

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נחית דרגא נסיב איתתא
פ’ רש”י לא תקח אשה חשובה ממך שמא לא תתקבל עליה. יבמות ס”ג
Worldwide, single Jewish boys and girls are having a hard time finding their soul mates. People resort to all kind of metaphysical help and even superstitions, which for the most part, are not working.
Today I will share with the reader a very powerful SEGULA which can help you to find the right girl, and could solve the Shiddukhim crisis altogether !
This SEGULA is brought in the Talmud Yebamot, 63. So, you can consider it absolutely legit an 100% Kosher! It is addressed mainly to men, but it works also for girls. This Segula consists of just four words: נחית דרגא ונסיב איתתא (nahit darga unsib iteta) Literally: “Descend one step and get yourself a wife”. What the rabbis are saying is that you, the man  “should not be looking for a woman that is on a higher level than you, rather, look for a girl that finds YOU attractive”.
Well, you have to admit that this is, indeed, a revolutionary statement for our modern society, a total paradigm shift! And I guess this statement represents a very big problem for those who think, and try to make others believe, that our Tora is (or our rabbis are) chauvinist.
Allow me to illustrate how this SEGULA works.  If I ask a single guy of certain age why he still single, knowing that BH he has many potential suitable candidates, he would usually repeat this mantra: “Rabbi, I need to find a girl that I feel attracted to”.  If a guy considers himself in terms of looks, say, level “8” (apologies for using this materialistic superficial conventionalism, but it is the best illustration to explain this critical point), he expects to find a girl who is at least level “9” . It absolutely does not cross through his mind for a second that a level “9” girl might be expecting a level “10” guy, not a level “8” guy!
Now, you can see why we have this “shidukhim crisis”. Boys and girls are trapped in this vicious cycle.  if a level “8” girls looks for a  9 guy, and a 9 guy looks for an 10 girl, this trend means that everyone is looking for an upgrade of himself or herself, and the pool of potential candidates is smaller and smaller.
Our rabbis said that in terms of appeal, if you date  a good person (good middot, i.e., good qualities, good values, good personality) as long as you do not feel a physical rejection for that person, you should try to explore the possibilities of a serious relationship with that person. What about attraction? You need to allow time to do its magic. Emotional closeness and love will eventually trigger a long lasting attraction. Let me explain. Contrary to what was believed in Greek (and what is believed in modern society) for the Jewish mind, beauty is absolutely subjective, and it is “the result”, not the cause, of love. It is NOT that I love you because I find you beautiful, but rather, I find you beautiful because I love you.   When I get to love someone, then I find him or her beautiful. Think about a mom or a dad with their children: no matter how handsome my neighbors’ 4 years old boy is. To ME there is no one in the universe more handsome than MY boy. Why? Because I love my son!  So, if you go out with a “good” potential candidate, give it some time, even if you don’t feel the butterflies right away.
The media, on the other side, is trying to reprogram our minds and make us believe that “I cannot be attracted to any girl that does not look like a movie star”. Modern media is perhaps the main responsible for the materialistic consideration of “looks”, as the most important determining factor in a Shiddukh.
Our SEGULA teaches men to make a switch and think: “I must find a girl that finds ME attractive”. When people think that way, the pool of potential candidates for marriage suddenly grow exponentially!
I know many (too many, unfortunately!) guys who are very suitable bachelors, and sometimes years might pass by until they get married. Why?  Because, opposite to the Rabbis’ SEGULA and probably guided by modern-media-values, they often fall in the trap of their own imagination: “I loss interest in this girl because she likes me. I need to conquer a girl who is still not attracted to me”. This destructive, and unfortunately, not uncommon utopia sometimes can last for years.
So, if you are looking seriously to get married, repeat this SEGULA: Nahit Darga Unsib Iteta, as many times as needed. And start looking for the right boy or girl: the one that is attracted to YOU.